# Seducing people into friendship?! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 5, 2005, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254 "2005-01-05T18:56:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2005, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/1 "2005-01-05T18:56:01Z")
While perusing the [Okcupid.com](http://Okcupid.com) profiles, I noticed a somewhat confusing trend. I saw quite a few profiles of women that set the relationship they wanted to ‘friend’, but had very provocative photographs of themselves. Why would you want to seduce someone into becoming your friend? Isn’t this sending kind of mixed messages? ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2005, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/2 "2005-01-05T19:03:40Z")
Most likely, they aren’t just looking for friends, but for whatever reason don’t want to be completely open about the fact that they’re looking for sex partners. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2005, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/3 "2005-01-05T19:08:26Z")
Or they say such a thing so that they can jump your bones if they like the way you look, and drop you if you’re too ugly (with it “on the record” that they only wanted to be friends) and say that the “friendship” just wasn’t working out. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2005, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/4 "2005-01-05T19:09:29Z")
Forgot to add that **YOU** then become the superficial one for expecting the message in the photograph to tak eprecedence over the disclaimer in the text. ---
**Author:** ![missbunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/76d3ee/32.png) [@missbunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missbunny)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2005, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/5 "2005-01-05T19:13:16Z")
Maybe they want to start off as friends. How are the photos provocative? Are they naked? Half-dressed? Boob shots? ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2005, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/6 "2005-01-05T19:18:43Z")
Like the beer commercials say, there are friends and there are “friends”. Personal ads are full of codewords. Maybe the word friend is understood to mean “person to have sex with but without any emotional or social involvement”. ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2005, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/7 "2005-01-05T20:50:43Z")
On OKCupid, is it possible to set up multiple “desired relationships”? On Lavalife that’s allowed, resulting in some strange profiles. Maybe the women are ticking “friend,” “relationship,” and “wild hot monkey sex” (or whatever) and decide to only upload one pic. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2005, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/8 "2005-01-05T22:43:21Z")
> [@Little Nemo](#): > > Personal ads are full of codewords. Maybe the word friend is understood to mean “person to have sex with but without any emotional or social involvement”. Or it could mean, “I want you to have the hots for me so you’ll spend time and/or money on me in the vain hope of getting something more than friendship.” Or, when a woman dresses provocatively it could mean, “I want attention,” not neccesarily “I want sex.” ---
**Author:** ![MysteryFellow63427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2005, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/9 "2005-01-05T23:09:12Z")
I demand links! ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2005, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/10 "2005-01-06T04:28:32Z")
I think so many women use “friend” to a) pay some lip service to the cliche of “start off as friends” . Many women view men as extremely afraid of commitment, and think that coming right out and saying that they want a long-term relationship and/or marraige would scare a lot of men off; and b) it’s kind of a safety net in case you don’t like the guy enough to date him again after you meet, you can just say you are just looking for friends. If you don’t date him again after he knows you’re looking for a LTR and/or marraige, then they know that you just think he’s a loser. That’s my take on it anyway. And I haven’t seen any provocative women’s ads, since I don’t look at them, I’d say it’s because somehow women have gotten the idea that men like looking at half-nekkid women (don’t ask me how) and this ups their chances of getting responses. Go figure. ---
**Author:** ![Garfield226](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Garfield226](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Garfield226)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2005, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/11 "2005-01-06T04:32:58Z")
> [@Duke](#): > > On OKCupid, is it possible to set up multiple “desired relationships”? On Lavalife that’s allowed, resulting in some strange profiles. Yes, you can choose from: Friends, Penpals, Activity Partners, Sex Partners, Short-term Relationship or Long-term Relationship. ---
**Author:** ![pokey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ebca7d/32.png) [@pokey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pokey)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2005, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/12 "2005-01-06T04:43:08Z")
Hmm. > [@](#): > > Friends, Penpals, Activity Partners, Sex Partners, Short-term Relationship or Long-term Relationship. There is something to object to about all those except friend. Penpals and Activity Partners sound liek grade 3 things. Sex partners and short term relationship sound like dirty, dirty one night stands, and long term relationship sounds like “please let me move in with you.” ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2005, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/13 "2005-01-06T13:28:46Z")
> [@ultrafilter](#): > > Most likely, they aren’t just looking for friends, but for whatever reason don’t want to be completely open about the fact that they’re looking for sex partners. I’d guess if they did the number of obscene messages they get would dectuple, which might be a factor. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2005, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/14 "2005-01-06T14:19:19Z")
Well, Adult Friend Finder is called Adult Friend Finder, even though it seems to be more like Adult Sex Finder. I have no experience with personal ads, but I suspect many of these women choose “friend” because they are open to many possibilities. Maybe they’d like to have a long term relationship if the ideal person came along, but in the meantime, they’d be happy to have a casual dating relationship, a “friends with benefits” arrangement, a just-friends friendship, or even a one-night-stand, depending on the situation. If you met an attractive woman at some event, say a friend’s wedding, and determined that she was single, you wouldn’t demand that she state her goals. She wouldn’t know what her goals even were until she got to know you a little better. So, you’d ask her out for a friendly cup of coffee, and see where things went. In other words, instead of using personals to achieve a specific goal, they’re using them to expand their field of regular dating opportunities. And of all the descriptors listed, “friend” seems to be the best choice. As **pokey** said, it’s the least objectionable. ---
**Author:** ![Susie\_Derkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@Susie\_Derkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susie_Derkins)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2005, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/15 "2005-01-06T14:31:52Z")
> [@Little Nemo](#): > > Personal ads are full of codewords. [OT] A friend of mine once put up a personal ad in which she stated that she enjoys watersports. She meant waterskiing and innertubing. I told her it might not be perceived as such. [/OT] ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2005, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seducing-people-into-friendship/283254/16 "2005-01-06T14:40:26Z")
Friend is such a nice, vague term. I mean, \*everybody \* is looking for a friend. Who goes online to look for a distant acquaintance? “I’m looking for someone whose face I’ll recognize enough to say hello to, but not enough to remember their name.” The problem is that there are so many different ideas of friendship. I agree with those who say that it’s a nice safe term for one’s goal. Also, that it is a good way for ladies to avoid feeling slutty by looking for sex online.