# Seeking advice - moral support of divorcing child **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 8, 2011, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-advice-moral-support-of-divorcing-child/570687 "2011-02-08T20:47:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 4\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![HillKat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/838e76/32.png) [@HillKat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HillKat)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-advice-moral-support-of-divorcing-child/570687/21 "2011-02-10T15:25:44Z")
> [@missouri65](#): > > I feel for you. My family is going through something similar, though without the children and a little further along in the process. > > What has helped for us: A close friend who has been a godsend. This friend has been there to drive my relative to the lawyer, spend the night with her when she got too low, and push and advise. It helps that the friend is several years older, opinionated and quite pushy. I think she made my relative move out and pushed her into getting a lawyer and starting the process. Those things are much easier for someone who is actually there. Does your daughter have a girlfriend who is close enough that you could enlist her? You say she has good friends, do they know what is going on? I wouldn’t expect anyone else in the world to go to the lengths this woman has, but a caring trusting person who is actually there really helps. > > The other thing that I think has really helped is that we have split the duties. It really just naturally works that way due to our personalities. My job is honesty and tough love. My mother’s job is to listen. We’ve never vocalized this to my relative, but she knows, and calls the right person for what she needs. If she just wants to cry, she calls my mom. If she needs real practical advise or just a kick in the butt, she calls me. It also works for us because no one has to try to do everything. Do you have another daughter, or a sister, or someone else your daughter is close to who could help carry some of the load? You don’t want to try to do it alone and 3000 miles away. > > These are the things that have helped us. Maybe your visit will help move things along, but you’re at the start of it and there will be a long way to go. I wish you both the best. I don’t know if it helps, but I wanted to let you know that you aren’t the only one. It does help, and is something I’ve considered, but not tried. She has one very close friend there who is doing a lot to help, but not to the extent that your friend has. Perhaps a direct request to her is in order, but I hate to impose. They’ve only known each other three years. She’s already doing more than I would expect. I’ve only met her passingly. Unfortunately, there really is no one else. I have one other child, a son, but they are not close, he’s here, and this is not the type of thing he deals well with. Thank you for your kind wishes. I suspect we’ll continue to need them! ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-advice-moral-support-of-divorcing-child/570687/22 "2011-02-10T16:50:05Z")
> [@HillKat](#): > > … I have one other child, a son, but they are not close, he’s here, and this is not the type of thing he deals well with… Would you mind elaborating on what you mean, about your son not dealing well with this type of thing? Like, he doesn’t like changes in routine, or like he’s not compassionate about other people’s pain? I hope you can get it through her head that continuing in this situation is far, far worse for her children than a divorce. Exponentially worse. ---
**Author:** ![HillKat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/838e76/32.png) [@HillKat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HillKat)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-advice-moral-support-of-divorcing-child/570687/23 "2011-02-11T17:35:01Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Would you mind elaborating on what you mean, about your son not dealing well with this type of thing? Like, he doesn’t like changes in routine, or like he’s not compassionate about other people’s pain? > I hope you can get it through her head that continuing in this situation is far, far worse for her children than a divorce. Exponentially worse. **purplehorseshoe** , Sorry for the delayed response, limited access time. I don’t mind. He’s a very compassionate person, perhaps too much so. He has mental health issues and stress has profound effects on his well being and ability to function within the realm of normal. And yes, changes in routine are also very difficult for him to deal with. Also, he and his sister are polar opposites in personality, so for him it’s often hard to understand where she is coming from. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-advice-moral-support-of-divorcing-child/570687/24 "2011-02-11T17:56:02Z")
This may sound harsh but children of divorced parents isn’t that big of deal anymore. Make sure she knows that. It’s funny, a few years ago I was talking to a friend of mine. She mentioned that she had to move in with her Mom and Dad. I replied: “Your parents are still married?” to which she says: “Yeah, my parents are weird.” 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-advice-moral-support-of-divorcing-child/570687.md?page=1)