# Seeking an Insight into the Female Mind (A Dating Situation) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 10, 2005, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981 "2005-01-10T03:18:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2005, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981/41 "2005-01-18T04:05:02Z")
Um, hellllooooo? You can’t just tell me about the situation, get me to thinking and talking about it, tease me with the implication that you’ve found out why she treated you like that, then just go away!! What happened? ---
**Author:** ![partlycloudy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/partlycloudy/32/3114_2.png) [@partlycloudy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/partlycloudy)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2005, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981/42 "2005-01-19T22:32:56Z")
:: bump :: Gadarene, do tell! ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2005, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981/43 "2005-01-19T23:07:36Z")
Another vote for wanting to hear the story . . . 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![taxi78cab](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47c2d/32.png) [@taxi78cab](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/taxi78cab)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2005, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981/44 "2005-01-20T21:02:08Z")
Another bump… C’mon, **Gadarene**! We’re all being devoured by curiousity! ---
**Author:** ![andymurph64](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e57/32.png) [@andymurph64](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andymurph64)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2005, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981/45 "2005-01-20T23:09:08Z")
> [@](#): > > by Sat on Cookie > I think I’m going to go against the grain here. > > Sounds to me like quite an issue, and I think you’re being a bit of a wimp about it (sorry). > > From what I can tell, she basically asked you over for dinner and then blew you off. I don’t get a whole lot of ambiguity about the fact that you would, in fact, be getting together on Sunday night from your post. > > I have no idea what happened, but anything short of an email _from her_ apologizing profusely and giving a plausible excuse should not be acceptable to you. Were I you, I certainly would not be mad, angry or confrontational after only three dates; I would simply not be interested in pursuing anything further. It doesn’t seem to me like a slight hiccup in a budding relationship, it sounds like complete disregard for plans and your time…and you don’t see that. > > So, my advice would be to move on. If she emails or contacts you, fine - judge for yourself if her apology/explanation works for you and go from there. But don’t be a doormat and don’t make excuses for other people’s rudeness. HERE HERE! Please, please do not call/contact her. You’ve already called her at least twice. The ball is in her court. It’s not rocket science people! If someone likes you and wants a relationship with you they ACT like they like you and want a relationship with you. ---
**Author:** ![Sengkelat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Sengkelat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sengkelat)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2005, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981/46 "2005-01-21T00:13:08Z")
So, why hasn’t Gadarene posted? We need to be overly analytical about this, and keep in mind that he said A’s explanation was “interesting.” a) When A called back, she explained that she really wasn’t interested, mainly due to Gadarene’s overpowering cordite odor and peculiarl bony ankles. He’s sunk so far into depression that he can’t bring himself to share his shame. b) A called back and said she was unable to return his calls because of the unanticipatable time demands of her profession, that of being an assassin for the Crustacean Liberation Front. Realizing that she had revealed too much, rather than kill him she brought him into her confidence and now they’re sequestered in a miserable safe house somewhere planning a hit on Joey “Butter Sauce” Jones, regional manager of Red Lobster. c) When A called back, she revealed her ardent, undying love for Gadarene, dangly earlobes and all, and now he’s too busy doing the horizontal mambo (that’s code for “playing parcheesi”) to bother posting details for us losers. d) Whatever A had that made her so flaky has infected Gadarene. I’m rooting for option c) myself, but honestly I think b) is most likely. ---
**Author:** ![SusanStoHelit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@SusanStoHelit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SusanStoHelit)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2005, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981/47 "2005-01-21T00:21:34Z")
> [@andymurph64](#): > > HERE HERE! Psst. It’s “Hear, hear!” as in, “listen up.” Please return to your regularly scheduled wild speculation. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2005, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981/48 "2005-01-21T03:46:56Z")
HEY, GADARENE! GET OVER HERE AND FILL US IN!! That oughtta do it. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2005, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981/49 "2005-01-21T03:52:36Z")
Maybe her interesting explanation was that she’s really an axe-murderer. Then she realized that now that she’d told him, she’d have to axe-murder him. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Gadarene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@Gadarene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadarene)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2005, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981/50 "2005-01-21T05:30:50Z")
…Whoops. :smack: Sorry, y’all. I, um, forgot to come back to the thread. As you might have noticed. Here’s the nutshell before I head for bed; I’ll gladly give more detail if there’s anything specific anyone wants to know. I got a long e-mail from her last Thursday. It gave a reason, although not an excuse, for her having spaced on the dinner. She had a family tragedy earlier this fall, and something happened over the weekend to shake her up and make her dwell on it more than usual. She could still have contacted me, obviously, whether before the dinner or sometime sooner than four days later, but it is at least a mitigating factor for her apparent flakiness. Most of her e-mail dealt with some of the thoughts she’d been having about her and me, though. We met as the result of a very random situation, and at the beginning I don’t think either of us expected to hit it off well enough to want to continue to see each other and go on dates and such. So her e-mail basically said that she’d decided that she didn’t have it in her right now for the kind of emotional investment that any relationship would require, and it seemed like a relationship was where it was heading (probably true, given how well we got along, although we’d never talked about it). So she basically said that I would be the first to know, if I wanted to know, when she was ready for a relationship, and if I was available at that time then she’d like to try and continue something. And she apologized and said she just couldn’t handle anything more than a friendship as things stood in her life. She said she was open to talking about it more if I wanted. The whole thing was very, very kind, actually, the too-long time that it took her to send it notwithstanding. I wrote something back the next day telling her I understood and respected her ability to judge her emotional state and appreciated her openness in letting me know. I admitted that not hearing from her about the dinner threw me for a loop but said that it obviously wasn’t that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. And I said I’d be there for her as a friend however I could, and that she was welcome to let me know when she thought she was ready for something else. _shrug_ Every word of my response was sincerely meant, and I wouldn’t change it. I’m sure some of y’all may think that she didn’t deserve the niceness, but I disagree. It’s not in my nature to do otherwise, at any rate, not when someone who I like and care about seems genuinely to like and care about me. Even if they’re not perfect, and even if things don’t work out the way I want them to. All things considered, what her e-mail said (and how it said it) were probably the best I could have hoped for after not having heard from her for that long. So we’re supposed to grab some lunch on Monday, and I’m not going to sweat it if it doesn’t happen. But neither am I going to throw away a friendship (with at least the possibility of something in the future, if the timing’s right for both of us) and an opportunity to help her out and give her support, just because she wasn’t as considerate as she could’ve been. …I guess I was a little preemptively defensive at the end there. 🙂 Sorry about that. Any questions or reactions? ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2005, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981/51 "2005-01-21T13:46:39Z")
> [@Gadarene](#): > > …Whoops. :smack: > > Sorry, y’all. I, um, forgot to come back to the thread. As you might have noticed. > > Here’s the nutshell before I head for bed; I’ll gladly give more detail if there’s anything specific anyone wants to know. I got a long e-mail from her last Thursday. It gave a reason, although not an excuse, for her having spaced on the dinner. She had a family tragedy earlier this fall, and something happened over the weekend to shake her up and make her dwell on it more than usual. She could still have contacted me, obviously, whether before the dinner or sometime sooner than four days later, but it is at least a mitigating factor for her apparent flakiness. I’m not as crazy as I thought. I mentioned depression, and I don’t think I was that far off the mark, really. I still have days like that left over from my father’s death, and then it’s embarrassing to try to explain to people, so I start avoiding them and, well, this sort of thing happens. ---
**Author:** ![Gadarene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@Gadarene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadarene)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2005, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981/52 "2005-01-22T00:13:03Z")
> [@](#): > > I’m not as crazy as I thought. I mentioned depression, and I don’t think I was that far off the mark, really. I still have days like that left over from my father’s death, and then it’s embarrassing to try to explain to people, so I start avoiding them and, well, this sort of thing happens. I’m sorry to hear about your dad. And I agree – I was never convinced that there was any malice in her actions, and it certainly doesn’t seem so now. Hopefully I can be a good friend to her going forward. ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2005, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981/53 "2005-01-22T00:28:34Z")
You know, the same (almost exact same) situation happened with me a few months ago. Do a search and you’ll find a thread I started about it. Same result, the guy just wasn’t ready for a relationship and was hoping I’d be available when he _was_ ready. I’m happily not available now, but I _did_ get a really good friend out of it, and I’m thankful for that. Sorry it didn’t work out how you’d hoped, but I’m very glad you’re well-adjusted enough to be able to see the positive in the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2005, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981/54 "2005-01-22T02:39:53Z")
Well. That’s not very dramatic. Hmmpf. Of course you were right to be nice about it and be a gentleman. If she’d told you she had been too busy smoking crack out in the alley to call you, it’d be a different story. You handled it right and well. And who knows, maybe you could be really good friends. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2005, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981/55 "2005-01-22T03:03:08Z")
I _knew_ the yelling would work. 😉 > [@trublmakr](#): > > Maybe her interesting explanation was that she’s really an axe-murderer. > Then she realized that now that she’d told him, she’d have to axe-murder him. :eek: Holy crap, that made me laugh out loud! 🙂 **Gadarene** , I’m glad to hear that your faith in her was justified, even if the relationship plans need to be put on hold (temporarily, I hope). Good luck! (And in the meantime, come [join the SDMB masses](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=296398) at [OK Cupid](http://www.okcupid.com/). 😃 ;)) What?? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seeking-an-insight-into-the-female-mind-a-dating-situation/283981.md?page=2)