# Self reflection doesn't always have to hurt (an MMP Thread) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** mmp\ **Created:** [October 15, 2012, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745 "2012-10-15T02:50:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/1 "2012-10-15T02:50:11Z")
When will you be good enough for you? Is there some breaking point where you will accept everything about yourself? What do you believe stands between you and complete happiness? My answer: I will never be good enough for myself. I always think there is something I could be doing better or harder or differently. I think this strems from my relationship with my father (shut up Freud). The only way I would probably ever feel proud of myself or happy with myself is if I ever got a sincere, not back handed, compliment from my father. Fat chance. I am the only one who stands between myself and complete happiness, because as much as I have matured and grown as person, I still let the crappy relationship I had with my father growing up, and still have, affect how I feel about myself. Stupid psychology:p ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/2 "2012-10-15T03:12:24Z")
1st again! W00T! **Apes** , you’re good enough for us, and for your husband and kids. That’s what matters. 🙂 I’m good enough for me, maybe I’ll be good enough for hockey lady. ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/3 "2012-10-15T03:18:42Z")
This is why I divorced my family. You won’t ever be good enough for him. Just walk away and think about how awesome you are. It takes a while, but I promise that when you stop thinking that you have done something wrong because your father is an ass, you will feel much better. I used to spend a lot of time obsessing over all the reasons my parents thought I was bad. I honestly thought that the abuse was my fault. It wasn’t my fault at all…just like your feelings are not your fault. Your need for kind words from your father is normal. If you don’t get them, its not you, its him. I’m happy with myself. I have a good job, I do charitable works and I’m engaged to a good and kind man. It took a long time to get here, but the first thing I had to do was walk away from my toxic family. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/4 "2012-10-15T03:28:04Z")
> [@dogbutler](#): > > 1st again! W00T! > > **Apes** , you’re good enough for us, and for your husband and kids. That’s what matters. 🙂 I’m good enough for me, maybe I’ll be good enough for hockey lady. Aw thanks, **doggie** My husband really gets irritated when I fail to acknowledge my strengths and takes it personally when I don’t just up and get over my insecurity because he thinks I am great. But that is a lot of years (29) of mental abuse from my father to get over, I wish I could make my hubs understand it isn’t his job to try and fix me, that I have to do it on my own. I love him to death, but he always has to try and fix everything:smack: Great advice **FL**. I have limited communication with my father, I call him when I want to share something and hang up if he gets critical or tries to get me to say something critical about my brother or mother. I did tell him that I was pregnant, because as the grandpa I thought he ought to know, but my hubs said if he spoke to our daughter (or son for that matter) the way he spoke to me my dad would never see his grand babies again. I was upset that he said that, but I see why. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/5 "2012-10-15T03:35:01Z")
When I did call my dad to tell him I was pregnant he said “Oh, baby. What are you going to do?” I stayed positive and said we were happy and excited and we would make it work, and he responded “Well, if you are happy I am happy.” Terd ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/6 "2012-10-15T03:38:37Z")
All I can say about fathers is that I watched mine ‘grow up’. It took a LONG, long long time, but he’s finally come around to not being negative about everything and can actually give a compliment once in a while. So, I guess, people can change. I suspect it’s harder for men, somehow. That’s not an excuse for your father, it’s just maybe some hope for you,**{April.} \*\* [COLOR=Black]p.s. The ‘If you’re happy, I’m happy’ is pretty close 🙂 [/COLOR]** \*\* ---
**Author:** ![Seanette](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/seanette/32/9139_2.png) [@Seanette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seanette)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/7 "2012-10-15T04:46:46Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Aw thanks, **doggie** > My husband really gets irritated when I fail to acknowledge my strengths and takes it personally when I don’t just up and get over my insecurity because he thinks I am great. But that is a lot of years (29) of mental abuse from my father to get over, I wish I could make my hubs understand it isn’t his job to try and fix me, that I have to do it on my own. I love him to death, but he always has to try and fix everything:smack: IME, that’s typical male behavior. Aware that problem exists, needs to fix it. ---
**Author:** ![Noone\_Special](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/noone_special/32/2863_2.png) [@Noone\_Special](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Noone_Special)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/8 "2012-10-15T06:40:44Z")
Me, as soon as I’m good enough for myself I’m moving on in search of someone **better!** 😛 😃 All this talk about fathers makes me wonder what my own kids will say when this topic comes up in _their_ discussions 5,10, 20 years down the road… :eek: ---
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 9:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/9 "2012-10-15T09:01:09Z")
It’s nearly 2:00 AM here. I still have dishes to do and I’ve been up since 4:30 AM well, now, yesterday. I’m not sleepy, but, I’m tired. I hate leaving dishes in the sink. Hubby’s at work. I never sleep well when he’s gone. Ok, here I go. I’ll be back in the morning, or maybe afternoon. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/10 "2012-10-15T10:13:42Z")
Good Mornin’ Y’all! Up and caffienatin’. _YAWN_ ‘Tis 65 Amurrkin out with a predicted high of 85 for the day and maybe some rain this mornin’. We shall see. The temp tonight might dip below 50! BRRRRRRR!!! I guess I’m lucky in that I came from a lovin’ family. As far as what I think about myself, I do second guess myself a lot. Even when I’m told “you done good” I wonder about how it could have been better. Then I tell myself that if I put a good effort forth then it’ll show. Yeah, all that makes a lot of sense. **flytrap** as to the racetrack, I predict a lot of people will bet a lot of money on races and lose. Some of that money will likely be rent or grocery money which is a dumb thing to bet. Howzzat? 😃 Ok, now I need more caffiene and rumbly tummy wants food. Then, 'tis Monday, so alas, irk purtification must commence. Happy Monday Y’all! ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/11 "2012-10-15T10:28:06Z")
Blurf. I grew up in a house where the prevailing attitude towards a failure was, “Yup. You screwed the pooch, now get over it.” VWife was much more like the OP, where she could not please her father. I also think much of her issues in that regard are self-inflicted. There is a running joke in our house where something goes wrong, and my response is, “I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I’m blaming you.” Kinda like farting, then pointing at the dog. She knows I think her insecurities are ridiculous. Enough of that. I face a long day of irk, with added bonus of dealing with 2, count 'em, two, cancelled bizness trips. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 10:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/12 "2012-10-15T10:36:11Z")
In my house it wasn’t that perfection was expected, it was just that what was failure changed unexpectedly and randomly day to day. So I lived in a constant state of measuring myself against a random and changing standard. I feel like a failure virtually every day, despite all external evidence to the contrary. ---
**Author:** ![dogbutler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogbutler/32/428_2.png) [@dogbutler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dogbutler)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 10:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/13 "2012-10-15T10:55:02Z")
Up, caffeinated, off to irk. ---
**Author:** ![Seanette](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/seanette/32/9139_2.png) [@Seanette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seanette)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 11:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/14 "2012-10-15T11:17:11Z")
Need to find a better brownie recipe. Also need to get my rear end in gear and take care of various clerical tasks around here. ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/15 "2012-10-15T11:44:25Z")
I have a new phrase for my lexicon: **Semper Gumbi**. Always Flexible. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 11:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/16 "2012-10-15T11:45:25Z")
**Seanette** since I’m at work I don’t have a link to it, but the Mumper recipe blog surely has a f-_aaaaaa_-bu- **lous** brownie recipe contained therein. I have found it a great go to for nummy foodstuff to make. Mayhaps some kind Mumper who has the link handy will come along and post it. In other news, puter booted right up at irk this mornin’. I find this both excitatin’ and disconcertin’. I mean if’n it started off actin’ right, will it compensate by goin’ all fubar in the middle of sump’n important later on today. Oh, the suspense! ETA: Hee! **BBBobbio** ---
**Author:** ![Sticks\_and\_Scones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sticks_and_scones/32/16951_2.png) [@Sticks\_and\_Scones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sticks_and_Scones)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/17 "2012-10-15T11:56:11Z")
Huh. I think I’m on the right track regarding the OP. Since I am an emotional person I don’t really want to get into it and dredge up all that stuff right now. But I can appreciate where you’re coming from **Apes** (not with my dad, but with family in general). In other news, it’s Monday! Only one sub job came up last night and I kinda wimped out since I was tired and it was a group of very young children so I didn’t take it. It’s ok, though, I’ll go to water aerobics in a little bit here and then come home and study. ETA: There is a link to the recipe blog in the MMP FAQ at the top of the page. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21825_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/18 "2012-10-15T12:23:53Z")
> [@VunderBob](#): > > I have a new phrase for my lexicon: **Semper Gumbi**. > > Always Flexible. My personal favorite quote and words to live by (and occasional .sig): _Indecision is the key to flexibility._ 😃 Good morning - work started off bad due to my own brain fart, but luckily I figgered it out before I fired off an embarrassing email, so yay for that. As to the OP, my mom tended to be of the mindset that things were never quite good enough. If I got a B, she’d ask “Why didn’t you get an A?” Crap like that. So with my kid, when she did poorly on a test or something, my question was “Do you see where you made your mistake?” I really didn’t care if she messed up as long as she learned from it. And regarding self-reflection, I used to beat myself up a lot, especially in the teen years (unlike every other teen in the world… :rolleyes: ) until one day when I was just looking at myself in the mirror and I realized that I wasn’t a hideous creature. I knew I wasn’t a super-model, but at that point, I recognized that I had my good points. That extended into my abilities and accomplishments. I’d never make a living playing my guitar, but I had a good ear, and when I was with a bunch of friends, I could usually figure out the chords for whatever we were singing. I wasn’t a great seamstress, but I made myself some nice clothes. Stuff like that. I can’t pinpoint the moment, but somewhere along the line, I figured out that I’d never be great at everything, but I had my abilities and my limits. I took advantage of opportunities (and let some slip by, too) And I did my best to avoid regrets - at least I tried to avoid dwelling on them. Not to be sappy or glurgy, but the Serenity Prayer sums it up for me pretty well. Along with: _Don’t sweat the petty stuff, and don’t pet the sweaty stuff_. 😃 Happy Monday! ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/19 "2012-10-15T13:40:50Z")
Know what I miss? When you run defragmenter and got the colorful graphics. Now all I get is a dialogue box that tells me it’s running. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2012, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745/20 "2012-10-15T14:00:43Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > When will you be good enough for you? Is there some breaking point where you will accept everything about yourself? What do you believe stands between you and complete happiness? A bloody long time ago, more than 20 years. My father and Middlebro are both what I call “negative perfectionists”, the kind of person who does not accept in himself defects they do not even see in others, and who will stop trying things they actually want to do because they’re convinced they’ll never be any good, when actually they were doing better than most others at the same level of training. One of my mottoes is _se hace lo que se puede con los materiales disponibles_, “you do what you can with the resources at hand”. Not less, but also not more; don’t beat yourself over the fact that you’ll never lead the national basketball team to a victory when it’s something that’s simply not in your genes. What stands between me and complete happiness? 😕 Well, I’m happy. Sorry. Am I jumping for joy happy? Not right now; among other things, it’s not something you normally do at work. But I’m happy and I feel no angst over a lack of cotton clouds and rainbow-tailed ponies. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-reflection-doesnt-always-have-to-hurt-an-mmp-thread/637745.md?page=2)