# Self-Righteous Clique Official! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 30, 2000, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549 "2000-01-30T00:21:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![missdavis102](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7feea3/32.png) [@missdavis102](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missdavis102)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2000, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/41 "2000-02-01T17:25:00Z")
Scarlet, I happen to be president and CEO of Ass Toasters Unlimited, a placement company for persons with this unique niche talent. What other skills do you possess? Right now I could place you with one of 4 or 5 evil organizations, depending on your education and experience. They’re all quality, reputable outfits, the kind of place any sadist would be proud to work. The way we work is on a consulting basis - we consider all our employees to be “Ass-Toastciates”. We can provide binding agreements with all our client organizations for long term or short term contracts. Fat Guy in a Little Coat, the reason I applied for this position personally is that I see this Evil Syndicate going places. I want to help you succeed. My experience will show on every ass that’s placed before me - from the very first to the last. Every customer will be satisfied and smokin’ - you have my word on it. So whaddya say? ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2000, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/42 "2000-02-01T17:31:00Z")
Realizing it has been about 5 weeks since I have been able to test my evil ninja assassin abilities in the field, I did some practice work on some numb-headed tourists here in Orlando. I didn’t inflict any harm on them, but I did work on stealthiness, an overbearingly sinister presence, and my intimidating tactics. I would like to report complete success, as the tourists ran off for their cab like frightened kittens during an earthquake. I am hoping it is this kind of proactiveness that will lead to my promotion to Director and Scheduler of all Evil Ninja Assassin activities. * * * Oh boy, my first official case of sig line writer’s block. ---
**Author:** ![the\_Scarlet\_Pimpernel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f1d935/32.png) [@the\_Scarlet\_Pimpernel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_Scarlet_Pimpernel)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2000, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/43 "2000-02-01T17:44:00Z")
I can provide references attesting to my abilities using whips and stiletti. Im a certified Superficial Physical Alteration (Temporary) artist. And I have a strong upper arm, thigh, and stomach. Plus when I put on an evening dress Im supposed to register _myself_ as a lethal weapon. ---
**Author:** ![Minxsmom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d07c76/32.png) [@Minxsmom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Minxsmom)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2000, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/44 "2000-02-02T06:09:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by SmickD: > \*\*Minxsmom, you wouldn’t be tryin’ to sabotage anything here would you? > \*\* : :putting on an innocent face and using my most vacant, dumb-blonde voice:: Me? Sabotage? What would make you think that? You didn’t ask anyone else if they were trying to sabotage anything. Don’t you trust me? Remember, I’m on _your_ side. ---
**Author:** ![Minxsmom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d07c76/32.png) [@Minxsmom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Minxsmom)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2000, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/45 "2000-02-02T06:14:00Z")
Damn smilies – ---
**Author:** ![trouts1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecccb3/32.png) [@trouts1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/trouts1)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2000, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/46 "2000-02-02T06:27:00Z")
Sexy Assistant for Head Honcho, I have received an email from a Mr. Prac Redavni requesting I recommend him to your organization. Mr. Redavni states he has Cash, Carriers, Planes and “wiggley women” to offer your organization which he says he is in deep sympathy with. He requests to lay his fortunes and fleet at your disposal in a top-secret meeting at 8 o’clock just below Vicksburg. The desire expressed by Mr. Redavni is for the first meeting to be one where love, trust and friendship could be developed so your ninja’s and goons should not be armed. Also, Mr. Redavni would like a parallel meeting of lesser goons and organizational officials so they can get friendly too. He requested your side should not be armed as a sign of your good will and injected this is a peace meeting to discuss ideas and philosophy about terminating Carp. Mr. Redavni then went on extensively about his intense dislike of Carp. I personally cannot speak form Mr. Redavni, his fortune or character but thought the letter was something for your attention so am filling you in via “Sexy assistant”. For clarifications PracRedavni@PracHQ.it GL ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2000, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/47 "2000-02-02T06:44:00Z")
**Inter-clique Memorandum** Date: February 1, 2000 To: Head Honcho From: Missy2U, Lackey (in no particular order) Re: Above invitation from Mr. Prac Redavni ============================================= HH: As one of your loyal lackeys, I wanted to make sure I registered my uneasiness with respect to the above mentioned meeting invitation. Frankly, it sounds very fishy. The request that we attend said meeting unarmed is, in particular, most distressing. I would like to assure you that per the SRC Handbook (as given to us at our orientation) we do, and will continue to remain, armed to our proverbial teeth. If necessary, we will also arm our teeth. Lastly, if I may be so bold as to suggest it, perhaps the letter should be sent to the lab for examination. There is something rotten in Denmark if you ask me… Regards, Missy2U Lackey (in no particular order) ---
**Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2000, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/48 "2000-02-01T21:42:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Is this job going to require me to wear a blue dress and knee pads? Because if so, I will need a raise. I heard you do this for the sheer enjoyment… * * * Yer pal, Satan ---
**Author:** ![Sassy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@Sassy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sassy)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2000, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/49 "2000-02-01T21:51:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by SmickD: > \*\*\NEW HIRE ALERT!!!\ > Sassy, > in case anyone missed it is or newest man trapping secret agent, unless she is the same Cristi that was originally hired in that position. So, in that case, we will call one pf her personalities “Chesty Kopfshmerzen” and the other “Chastity Blowswell” > They both start with “C”, for Cristi, which is also my SO’s name, so there was much rejoicing. > > {{yay}} > > \*\* Cristi and I are not the same person, and should probably be kept apart (2 redheads in one room, y’know…) If I need an alias, my choice has always been Trixie Molloy * * * I am a redhead, you see, and I do not tempt. I insist. -Cristi ---
**Author:** ![Konrad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f475e1/32.png) [@Konrad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Konrad)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2000, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/50 "2000-02-01T22:13:00Z")
Doctor Jackson: We haven’t been able to find any moronic assisstant whose name is Igor. You have the choice between a Wilhelm, a Fritz or a Walter. \*\* New position available \*\* We have an opening for a position of the utmost secrecy. It is so secret that even the name of the position or the responsibilites cannot be revealed. In fact, it is so secret that if you are hired for it, we won’t tell you. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2000, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/51 "2000-02-01T22:37:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Doctor Jackson: We haven’t been able to find any moronic assisstant whose name is Igor. How about a moderately intelligent brunette assistant with big hooters? Will I do? * * * **StoryTyler** “Not everybody does it, but everybody should.” [I Spy Ty.](http://sites.netscape.net/storytyler/homepage) ---
**Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2000, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/52 "2000-02-01T23:23:00Z")
> [@](#): > > How about a moderately intelligent brunette assistant with big hooters? Will I do? I think that would depend on _what_ you do. * * * Yer pal, Satan ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2000, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/53 "2000-02-02T00:18:00Z")
:::rushes in, hair perfectly tussled, cleavage perfectly balanced::: So sorry I’m late. Had to wait in line at the Secret Agent Store–they were having a really great sale on Eau de Michael Finne cologne. Managed to get a few bottles, so if any of you need some, just let me know. So, where we headed? Whom shall I seduce first? Is there an assignment yet, or shall I just grab one of these fine gentlemen for a bit of practice? (an aside to Smick–Sassy honors me by using something I said in another thread as her sig line, but we are not the same person. She’s extremely cool, though, and will be a very fine agent.) * * * “The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his ribcage.” --anonymous redhead ---
**Author:** ![Nekosoft](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c2a13f/32.png) [@Nekosoft](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nekosoft)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2000, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/54 "2000-02-02T01:32:00Z")
Agent Nekosoft responding to the call for an acronymistic name. Proposals include: **F** ederation of **E** lite **L** outish **C** ads, **H** oodlums, **I** ll-wishers, **N** ihilists and **G** oons **C** itizens **E** xchanging **C** riminal **I** nformation **L** eading to **A** ctivities **D** iabolically **A** ggrandizing our **M** ajestic **S** atan or something that would fit on a business card or letterhead: **C** ancers **L** acking **I** ntegrity and **Q** uality and **U** ltimately **E** vil ## Let it never be said I do nothing to serve my evil organization. Dojo. Casino. It’s all in the mind. ---
**Author:** ![Minxsmom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d07c76/32.png) [@Minxsmom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Minxsmom)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2000, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/55 "2000-02-02T01:54:00Z")
How about **C** itizens (or **C** lique) **A** gainst **R** eprobate car **P**? * * * Princess of the Time and Space Continuum since 1969 (upgraded to Goddess 01/07/00) S.S.D.A., SDMB Self-Righteous Clique =^…^= ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2000, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/56 "2000-02-02T04:22:00Z")
If I could direct your attention to the original recruitment thread, I haven’t heard back about my application for Homicidal Sociopath yet. Please let me know at your earliest convenience as to whether your organization currently has an opening for that position. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2000, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/57 "2000-02-02T07:25:00Z")
Sorry Kat, we don’t have any opening for a Homicidal Sociopath. However, you can interview with Kinoons (our knuckle dragging hose-mongering riot buster) for a position that he does have open. It is: Guts mopper. Must be really pissed off all the time and have a forehead more veiny than my step-dad’s. Is allowed to break bones from time to time. Will consider promoting to Autonomous Homicidal Sociopath, DOP. * * * _Fat Guy in a Little Coat, SDMB Self-Righteous Clique_ > [@](#): > > “And on the eighth day, God Created beer > to prevent the Irish from taking over > the Earth.” ---
**Author:** ![Bluepony](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Bluepony](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bluepony)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2000, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/58 "2000-02-02T12:39:00Z")
Just a few more updates from the humdrum financial side of this Evil Organization as I sip frozen margaritas with some Miami Dolphins cheerleaders at my newly purchased beachfront cottage… **Shadowfox** , and all other buxom, voluptuous, _femme fatale_ secret agents---- conditional “yes” to your personal expense accounts, choice of Jag _or_ BMW (we can’t expect our alluring agents to drive in Hyundai Excels). Your computers are all going to be laptops (I got a great deal from Dell) since I expect you’ll be doing a lot of international travel in doing the Evil One’s biddings. Bottom line— even though World Domination is our ultimate goal, this is still a business!! I want receipts on all expenses, from skiing forays in the Alps to Rodeo Drive shopping sprees. Also (just a suggestion), even though you are lavish, jet-setting, secret agent/assassins, it won’t hurt the corporate bottom line to eat at Denny’s or IHOP every once in a while. Also look at Wal-Mart for some good bargain secret agent items. Ms. Shadowfox, the conditional “yes” to your luxury company car means you can have the passenger ejector seat and voice-activated laser, however I’m drawing the line at your request for Blaupunkt 10-CD changer and wet bar. That goes for all female secret agents. Sorry ladies. It was a bitch, but I finally got Met Life to underwrite our Self-Righteous Clique Group Life and Accidental Death/Or Dismemberment Insurance Plan. On the good side, I got them to cover, additionally, at no extra cost to you, accidental death or dismemberment for: 1. Catastrophic Doomsday Nuclear Device Premature Detonation and/or Destruction and 2. Unknown devices (other than firearms) that Evil Goons neglected to confiscate from Good Guy secret agent(s). This includes wristwatch death rays and exploding pens. Lastly, welcoming our new lawyer, Coldfire Esq. This may be an international evil organization, but you’re gonna get your payroll check in **US dollars** , period. I’m not going thru the hassle of changing it into that day-glo Monopoly money used in your depraved native country 😉 Also, you need to get a US Social Security number. Even though we are the world’s leading Evil Organization, I don’t like making enemies of Social Security. ``` Well, gotta run, the coconut shrimp are done and the Dolphin cheerleaders are finally up to the Naked Tequila Shots and Twister Competition. Duty calls, I must go... Regards, *Cheval Bleu* SRC Evil Director of Finances ``` * * * “…send lawyers, guns, and money…” ``` Warren Zevon ``` ---
**Author:** ![Vestal\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5e9695/32.png) [@Vestal\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vestal_Blue)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2000, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/59 "2000-02-02T15:59:00Z")
Uh, Bluepony, while discussing finances, I’d like to requisition one Aston Martin DB7, with overdrive and turbos, a Walther PPK in 9mm Parabellum (for evening soirees) and a new S&W 10mm Eagle for day to day activities. Also, If we’re gonna do this in a big way, we are going to need a larger budget for the sneaky underhanded devices department (SUD). Also, I need an enlarged clothing allowance; My missions are _hell_ on a tux! * * * VB The ways of cats and little girls are mysterious. ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2000, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549/60 "2000-02-02T16:28:00Z")
If we are making requests for capital requisitions, then I would like to put in my request for a 3rd world country. I could use it as a training ground, it would likely give me a base camp to work out of while in the midst of probably adversaries, and I would like to be able to tell people that I own a country. Something in the mideast would be nice, but I will settle for a sub-saharan African country as well. * * * Now, you too can become an Evil Ninja Assassin in the Self-Righteous Clique. Ask me how. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/self-righteous-clique-official/13549.md?page=4)