# Sell me your soul. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 4, 2003, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538 "2003-09-04T15:41:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2003, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/1 "2003-09-04T15:41:20Z")
**SELL ME YOUR SOUL** [sub]\*[/sub] Too long has the market for souls been dominated by the Big Two: God and Satan. Since the dawn of time, these two entities have waged the eternal battle for human souls. I say NO MORE!!!. No longer should a person who wishes to sell their souls have to go to hell for all of eternity, or go through life sinless and wasting a Saturday or Sunday at worship. It is well beyond the time for somebody to step in and offer another option for those who are interested in selling their soul. Just as Coke/Pepsi has RC Cola; Just as McDonalds/Burger King has Wendy’s; Just as Miller and Budweiser has Coors; God and the Devil will now have to compete with me in the ever-elusive market for human souls. And, of late, it appears that both sides are resting on their laurels, and the market share is just ripe for the picking. Now, keep in mind that the price paid for souls has dramatic tfluctuations in prices over the years: Faustus wanted 24 years of magical powers and merry-making. Charlie Daniels seems to think it takes a fiddle of gold. For Homer, all it cost was a doughnut. Dorian Grey wanted eternal youth. Edith Evans wanted to win at cards Robert Johnson wanted to be a famous bluesman. Bart only needed $5. The price I will pay for your soul will depend completely on the kind of shape your soul is in. For example, I recently obtained a Peace Corps volunteer whose soul was in prime condition, with nary a black mark on it, when he purchased a Hummer2. On the opposite side, I got the remnants of Bill Clinton’s soul for a hand job and a twinkie. So, prices may vary. I’m very interested in purchasing your soul, so please, let me know what kind of shape it is in, and your current asking price. It’s about time somebody challenged God and Satan and offered you, the ever-important seller, more options. [sub]Void where prohibited. Limited time offer. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Use only as directed. For recreational use only. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Other restrictions may apply.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![superstar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f4b2a3/32.png) [@superstar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/superstar)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2003, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/2 "2003-09-04T23:56:02Z")
What the hell are you talking about? Go get some sunshine on your face, or eat some sugar, or take a bath… something please!!! ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2003, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/3 "2003-09-04T23:57:29Z")
Sorry, I’ve already run a telemarketing firm. ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/4 "2003-09-05T00:02:01Z")
You gonna pay for shipping? ---
**Author:** ![leechbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@leechbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leechbabe)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/5 "2003-09-05T00:20:33Z")
Can I get fries with that? ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/6 "2003-09-05T02:28:14Z")
World peace, with diversity ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/7 "2003-09-05T02:35:09Z")
$8.5 million. Never mind the fact that I don’t believe I or anyone else even _has_ a soul. That’s my price. Bwaaaaahahahaha!!! ---
**Author:** ![Creaky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e68b1a/32.png) [@Creaky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creaky)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/8 "2003-09-05T02:40:58Z")
Item: One soul, good condition. Good patriot and scrupulously honest girlie, model of a 1950’s houswifey (most of the time). (Former punk rocker, but don’t let that fool ya! :D) In exchange I want to be able to eat and drink anything I want without getting fat, _and_ I want eternal life… on Earth. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Super\_Gnat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Super\_Gnat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Super_Gnat)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/9 "2003-09-05T02:41:33Z")
Well, my soul already belongs to Someone, but I’ll sell you the $500 in my bank account for $3000. ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/10 "2003-09-05T03:03:21Z")
Sell you my sole? I’d be happy to, but the fishing’s been mighty poor around here lately, and my last catch was What? Oh. Never mind. ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/11 "2003-09-05T12:39:26Z")
You need to prove that you can deliver. Get me laid. Then we’ll talk. ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/12 "2003-09-05T12:59:32Z")
My soul looks okay on the outside, but inside is a shriveled, blackened core. So how closely do you inspect these things? ---
**Author:** ![green\_bladder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@green\_bladder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/green_bladder)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/13 "2003-09-05T13:09:15Z")
Mine’s second hand. ---
**Author:** ![paulberserker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c4cdca/32.png) [@paulberserker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/paulberserker)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/14 "2003-09-05T13:28:52Z")
mine needs food ---
**Author:** ![Amp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Amp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amp)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/15 "2003-09-05T13:36:34Z")
You got tree fifty? ---
**Author:** ![Bruce\_Daddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/85f322/32.png) [@Bruce\_Daddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bruce_Daddy)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/16 "2003-09-05T13:43:41Z")
Hookers and firetrucks. What’s your address? ---
**Author:** ![Gundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b782af/32.png) [@Gundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gundy)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/17 "2003-09-05T13:47:46Z")
I think you know what I want in exchange for my soul. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Bravo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_bravo/32/493_2.png) [@Johnny\_Bravo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Bravo)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/18 "2003-09-05T13:49:46Z")
I just don’t think I’m ready for this sort of commitment. It’s not you, it’s me. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/19 "2003-09-05T13:51:20Z")
Heh. Former public defender. Current “Beltwat bandit” government contractor. Vote Republican much of the time. I may have to pay YOU. - Rick ---
**Author:** ![lauramarlane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a5b964/32.png) [@lauramarlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lauramarlane)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2003, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538/20 "2003-09-05T13:53:35Z")
Damn, **Amp** beat me to it. I was going to ask tree fity for mine! What is the going rate for a spotless soul, anyway? How much should I deduct for venial and mortal sins? Is there some kind of spreadsheet you could send me so I could work out an asking price? sometimes I think about things way too much. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sell-me-your-soul/199538.md?page=2)