# Sensual Seduction, or ridiculous okcupid messages I have received (NSFW) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 30, 2010, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655 "2010-09-30T20:20:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Mississippienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d2c977/32.png) [@Mississippienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mississippienne)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/1 "2010-09-30T20:20:43Z")
WARNING: The following message has been evaluated by the Pure Food and Drug Act and the Surgeon General of Beverly Hills as Not Safe for Anyone, Anywhere, at Anytime. Read at your own risk. This is a real message I received on OkCupid from some hopeful idiot who’s username has been withheld to protect the dumbass. As you read this, I would like you to imagine yourself as a young woman with a heart open to love, with your whole life ahead of you. And then you click on a link, and find that, unbidden, the internet has regurgitated THIS into your face: > [@](#): > > At the risk of getting way ahead of myself, I’ll give you one scenario I think could be likely. Obviously not a first date, but, we’re on a bed, kissing. I kiss your neck, I kiss behind your ear, and down to your shoulders I Tantalizingly, and slowly ill unbutton your top. I like how he points out that ‘we’ are not on our first date. Y’know, he’s not implying I’m a filthy whore or anything. I’m a classy dame. He probably took me on two and a half imaginary dates before getting me in the sack. And why is ‘Tantalizingly’ capitalized? More importantly, what in this scenario is ‘Tantalizing’ if he’s ‘ill unbuttoning’ my top? > [@](#): > > Kissing at each button, starting at the base of your neck, working my way down with my tongue to your lower stomach, while I run my nails down your back. While writing this, this guy was no doubt imagining my girl-parts heaving and glistening with sheen and all sorts of cool stuff like that. While my buttons are being kissed (is he talking about my real buttons or is buttons a euphemism for something? Any ideas?) > [@](#): > > Coming back up to kiss you on your lips, Ill take both of your hands in mine. And pull your hands over your head as I keep kissing you. > I tie your left wrist to the headboard, and slowly do the same to your right hand. Gently. You can lie back and just enjoy- Letting me take over- completely. This happens immediately after he feeds me enough rohypnol to kill an elephant. He’s getting so hot-under-the-collar at this fantasy that he’s talking in sentence fragments. > [@](#): > > You lie back, while I trace each nipple lightly as I press hot, wet kisses into your stomach. And run my tongue in slow circles around your left breast. Slowly, in smaller circles, as I get closer to your nipple. I tease just above your nipple. Ready. But I don’t kiss it yet… As I look him in the eyes and whisper. Slowly. Seductively. “Let me out of this basement, I am feeling uncomfortable. I want you to call me a cab right now.” Then my eyes trail lower, lower. They shine. I begin to giggle, then to laugh. Mockingly. > [@](#): > > Against your skin I’d slide a hand down your side, my fingers delicately tracing the flesh just below your waist band, teasing. Biting my lip I’d meet your eyes from down at your waist, releasing the panty covered skin as it quivers with anticipation. And then Dr. Frank-N-Furter struts in, arches an eyebrow, and says, “I see you shiver, with antici..(SAY IT!)..pation!” > [@](#): > > hope you had a good day off. > cool date would be at target / kmart to get a slushy. > That would be fun Wow, after spending what had to have been the maximum output of \*dozens \*of brain cells on that, uh, erotic scenario, he’s willing to take me out on a romantic date to the local target/kmart for an icy confectionary drink. Yummy. Where have you been all my life!!! > [@](#): > > Now, give me your phone number, we are going out. Almost forgot my manners, Please - of course. Just to up the creepy factor, he then DEMANDS my phone number. I like it when guys don’t wait till later to drop the facade and reveal their evil colors, but allow you to see the degenerate, creepy manchild from the very beginning. Considerate. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/2 "2010-09-30T20:24:37Z")
I have issues with people that can’t use proper grammar. I’d stop reading the first time he said “Ill” and didn’t mean he was sick. ---
**Author:** ![DirkGntly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d9b06d/32.png) [@DirkGntly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DirkGntly)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/3 "2010-09-30T20:26:21Z")
What? That didn’t turn you on? I was up half the night typing that out for you… …uh… oops. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/4 "2010-09-30T20:28:13Z")
Whew! I don’t know why you’re not ready to release your ova for this guy! He’s definitely a keeper! You really luuuuurve him! You want to have, like, a million of his babies! ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/5 "2010-09-30T20:30:11Z")
When does he get to the part with his wizard hat? ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/6 "2010-09-30T20:30:19Z")
Is he paying for the slushy or is he expecting you to go dutch? That would be the tipping point for me (jk) ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/7 "2010-09-30T20:30:41Z")
I don’t know, it’s comedy gold - Kmart? ---
**Author:** ![may\_be\_ignorant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c5a1d2/32.png) [@may\_be\_ignorant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/may_be_ignorant)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/8 "2010-09-30T20:32:43Z")
ha! what a badass! ---
**Author:** ![Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fried_Dough_Ho)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/9 "2010-09-30T20:35:44Z")
> [@Mississippienne](#): > > This is a real message I received on OkCupid from some hopeful idiot who’s username has been withheld to protect the dumbass. As you read this, I would like you to imagine yourself as a young woman with a heart open to love, with your whole life ahead of you. And then you click on a link, and find that, unbidden, the internet has regurgitated THIS into your face: I am an older woman with a heart open to love and half my life behind me but still half in front of me. And – I am sorry to say – I have received more messages like this than I can say. Including some from Dopers. Here is the beginning one I got unsolicited from a Doper about three weeks ago as a PM. I can’t give you the entire thing – it is far too pornographic… > [@](#): > > I bet your auburn hair is soft like cotton and smooth like silk, something I could notice rubbing the tension out of your shoulders before pulling it back to kiss the back of your neck in that ticklish spot on the back that sens a little jolt of ticklish electricity down your back. Then I’d reach around and hold your hands, the heat of my body pressed against your back and wrapped around your shoulders, and I’d whisper in your ear something too quite to understand. Then when you turned your head to ask “what?”, I’d kiss you on the cheek, and then on the lips, and I’d say “that’s what”. > > Meanwhile my hands would begin feeling your belly starting just above your belly button, parting, caressing the sides of your hips, going back almost to your rear but not quite, and then going forward to just under your belly button. > > After that I’d whisper in your ear that your breath makes my pulse quicken, and holding your hand takes my breath away. ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/10 "2010-09-30T20:38:28Z")
That’s it? He stopped as he’s gazing up at your eyes from his vantage point by your panty-covered skin? Then what happened?!?! I have to know! You better call him- I’m at 80% and don’t know how long I’ll last. ---
**Author:** ![Mississippienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d2c977/32.png) [@Mississippienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mississippienne)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/11 "2010-09-30T20:46:05Z")
> [@corkboard](#): > > That’s it? He stopped as he’s gazing up at your eyes from his vantage point by your panty-covered skin? Then what happened?!?! I have to know! Then I farted in his face. Dr. Frank-N-Furter untied me and we proceeded to screw on Creepy Guy’s bed, while Creepy Guy locked himself in the closet and masturbated furiously, while using his tears for lubricant. **Fried Dough Ho** , that is EPIC. Homer and Virgil weep in purgatory because of their inability to write something so amazing, so erotic, so nastytacular. Can we have an internet law, maybe we could call it the Mississippienne-Fried Dough Ho Corollary, that the more likely you are to write and send an erotic fantasy to an unwilling internet recipient, the less likely that anything in your fantasy will EVER come true? ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/12 "2010-09-30T20:51:47Z")
It’s hard to believe that so many dudes still don’t know about…chocolate. AmIrightoramIright? Ladies? An assortmet of _See’s_ caramels & truffles? ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/13 "2010-09-30T20:55:29Z")
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/14 "2010-09-30T21:00:54Z")
Remind me to stay away from OKCupid if I ever find myself single again. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/15 "2010-09-30T21:01:19Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I don’t know, it’s comedy gold - Kmart? That part kinda persuades me it was someone’s idea of a joke. ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/16 "2010-09-30T21:06:07Z")
Shit, it must be nice being a woman. Opening your inbox is always a surprise! I would like that. My inbox is nothing but Gap sales and Bank of America statement notifications. ---
**Author:** ![Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fried_Dough_Ho)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/17 "2010-09-30T21:09:38Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > Shit, it must be nice being a woman. Opening your inbox is always a surprise! I would like that. My inbox is nothing but Gap sales and Bank of America statement notifications. You wouldn’t like it when it involves scat or urine. Trust me… ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/18 "2010-09-30T21:11:27Z")
> [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > You wouldn’t like it when it involves scat or urine. Trust me… Good Lord, what did you put on your profile? ---
**Author:** ![Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fried_Dough_Ho)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/19 "2010-09-30T21:26:55Z")
> [@StusBlues](#): > > > [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > > > You wouldn’t like it when it involves scat or urine. Trust me… > > Good Lord, what did you put on your profile? Nothing. That’s the point. ---
**Author:** ![Chicagojeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b19c9b/32.png) [@Chicagojeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicagojeff)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655/20 "2010-09-30T21:38:35Z")
> [@StusBlues](#): > > Remind me to stay away from OKCupid if I ever find myself single again. Well… it worked great for me. (OKCUPID).. FDH and MISS.. at least they are attempting to wow you with their working entries for the Penthouse Forum and not sending the obligatory Phallic Photos.. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sensual-seduction-or-ridiculous-okcupid-messages-i-have-received-nsfw/555655.md?page=2)