# Serious Q involving foster kids **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 21, 2016, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serious-q-involving-foster-kids/769268 "2016-10-21T19:20:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2016, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serious-q-involving-foster-kids/769268/21 "2016-10-22T13:37:55Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Are you prepared for the day you realize her attachment to you extends beyond what you initially imagined? > > 16yr old girls from unstable homes, lacking father figures, often develop feelings for any man in their life who respresents stability. Also, sometimes these girls have internalized that the path to what they want/think they want, lies in their sexuality. > > Are you prepared for her accusing you of sexual misconduct should you reject any advances? Because sometimes 16yr old girls from unstable homes lash out unreasonably when their imagined ‘salvation’ becomes a bust. > > Please tell me you’ve considered these scenarios at least! If not, you’re not in any way ready for what you’re about to dive into. > > Tread VERY carefully, and Good Luck! I’ve underlined the operative words in your post. It is not always good advice to turn down a good thing because of what MIGHT happen. I think most teens develop and mature well enough that they do not exhibit these kinds of behaviors to any psychopatic degree ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2016, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serious-q-involving-foster-kids/769268/22 "2016-10-22T16:02:38Z")
Not my point. My point was if his eyes are not open enough that he’s even considered such a scenario, maybe he’s not quite as ready as he needs to be. If he feels, after reflection and research, he can handle and address such things should they arise then, yes, I agree, he shouldn’t hold off because of what ‘could sometimes’ manifest. Sorry if that wasn’t clear! ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2016, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serious-q-involving-foster-kids/769268/23 "2016-10-22T16:47:46Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Please tell me you’ve considered these scenarios at least! If not, you’re not in any way ready for what you’re about to dive into. > > Tread VERY carefully, and Good Luck! I have considered the possibility, as scammy and manipulative as her mother was, my first thought when girl B contacted me was “WTF does her mother want to try and guilt me out of now” only to find out it was all for real. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2016, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serious-q-involving-foster-kids/769268/24 "2016-10-22T17:11:35Z")
> [@drachillix](#): > > I have considered the possibility, as scammy and manipulative as her mother was, my first thought when girl B contacted me was “WTF does her mother want to try and guilt me out of now” only to find out it was all for real. If that is the behavior her mother has modeled for her, and of course she saw your relationship w/ her mother and now appears to want you back in her life that tells me two things - A) you were/are right to be on guard and B) you have that much more reason to never, for one minute until she is 18, be alone w/ her. Not a car ride, not a quiet street corner, not until she’s a legal adult. Perception may not always be truth but it is frequently prosecuted as true enough in both criminal and civil courts. Off-topic, have you looked into fostering classes for your state? ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2016, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serious-q-involving-foster-kids/769268/25 "2016-10-22T23:34:49Z")
> [@Nawth\_Chucka](#): > > Off-topic, have you looked into fostering classes for your state? Takes about 4-6 Months here (pronounced 6-8). She turns 17 in Jan. By the time I could become a “fully authorized” foster parent type she is well on her way to 18. If she was a little younger I probably would go this route. I am not looking to become a foster parent in general, just looking to enhance a crappy situation for kid(s) I know. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2016, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serious-q-involving-foster-kids/769268/26 "2016-11-01T21:08:37Z")
Well mini unhappy update: Her social worker has decreed that the only POSSIBLE reason for wanting anything to do with this girl is to try and turn her into some kind of sex toy and has instructed her to break off contact with me and instructed her foster parents to report anything they believe to be evidence of contact with me. Mind you this social worker talked to me for maybe 5 minutes a month ago, and the girl for about 5 minutes on the phone to determine this. Girl sent me a little flurry of messages that she was basically ordered her not to speak to me, Thank you for everything, etc etc. My two friends who work in the same office as her are a tad bit pissed off that the whole thing has been summarily shut down like this. One of them is a Social worker of equivalent rank in the same office who kinda prepped/quizzed me to see if she would approve me before even bothering with the background check. Well I told her that if she needed anything I would still be here for her and that I would check in occasionally Like a month or so, I will probably send some kind of small Xmas gift. I have a buddy who is a family law attorney I am supposed to meet with for a little free consultation just to see where the “edges of the table” are and or if there is anything that can be done to appeal the issue without it turning into a complete shitstorm. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2016, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serious-q-involving-foster-kids/769268/27 "2016-11-01T22:09:40Z")
Your concentration on the younger girl almost exclusively and your lack of interest in going through the fostering process in order to be there for her in a way that one is trained for and that one documents doesn’t look good. It doesn’t appear you want to help the family to grow healthier and stronger together and keep in contact, which is likely what the foster system where you live aims for. You can have altruistic motives; but this looks, at the very least, like an inequitable friendship since you were never an actual family member. So, wait until she’s a legal adult to build a friendship w/ her; what do you have to lose in that time? ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2016, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serious-q-involving-foster-kids/769268/28 "2016-11-02T11:07:12Z")
Yeah, telling her you’ll check on her and planning on sending a Christmas gift is not only begging for legal involvement, but you’re also setting her up to have a contentious relationship with her foster parents and social worker. It’s tough being a foster parent; it’s tougher when the child is a teen and even MORE tough when there’s a non-relative who has been told to stay away but who is going around everyone’s back to maintain contact. Youre asking this girl to lie for you, which is a terrible position for an adult to put a vulnerable child in. You had no contact with her for years; you can wait until she’s an adult. She’ll still be super cool and able to hold deep, meaningful conversations with you when she’s 18. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2016, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serious-q-involving-foster-kids/769268/29 "2016-11-02T19:16:55Z")
> [@drachillix](#): > > Well mini unhappy update: > > Her social worker has decreed that the only POSSIBLE reason for wanting anything to do with this girl is to try and turn her into some kind of sex toy and has instructed her to break off contact with me and instructed her foster parents to report anything they believe to be evidence of contact with me. > > Mind you this social worker talked to me for maybe 5 minutes a month ago, and the girl for about 5 minutes on the phone to determine this. > > Girl sent me a little flurry of messages that she was basically ordered her not to speak to me, Thank you for everything, etc etc. > > My two friends who work in the same office as her are a tad bit pissed off that the whole thing has been summarily shut down like this. One of them is a Social worker of equivalent rank in the same office who kinda prepped/quizzed me to see if she would approve me before even bothering with the background check. > > Well I told her that if she needed anything I would still be here for her and that I would check in occasionally Like a month or so, I will probably send some kind of small Xmas gift. I have a buddy who is a family law attorney I am supposed to meet with for a little free consultation just to see where the “edges of the table” are and or if there is anything that can be done to appeal the issue without it turning into a complete shitstorm. Just want to point out that you don’t know what, precisely, is going on behind your back. You don’t know what the girl is saying when you’re not around. And I’m not saying she’s lying or anything, just that - you don’t have the whole picture here. Also, her case worker is privy to information you don’t have. She’s still a minor and it’s appropriate for you and her both to abide by her guardian’s wishes. It’s inappropriate to try and circumvent their wishes, no matter how pure your motives. If I’d seen this earlier, I would have advised you to ask to meet the foster family and to make an effort to get to know them rather than seeing the girl outside their view. As it is, you need to back off and show everyone that you appreciate their concerns and are willing to respect them. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2016, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serious-q-involving-foster-kids/769268/30 "2016-11-02T19:56:12Z")
Once the case worker has decided she(he?) doesn’t like you the game is over. Capital O OVER. Walk away before it gets worse. And ixnay on the xmas gift. That’s a direct deliberate violation of the case worker’s instructions. Instructions they have the power to enforce via the Sheriff. It sucks that the world is as it is. It sucks that the girl’s had a crappy 16 years on the planet and is about to have two more crappy years without your assistance. Keep your powder dry and in a bit less than 2 years you’ll be able to be a positive influence again. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2016, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serious-q-involving-foster-kids/769268/31 "2016-11-02T20:12:25Z")
> [@bobkitty](#): > > Yeah, telling her you’ll check on her and planning on sending a Christmas gift is not only begging for legal involvement, but you’re also setting her up to have a contentious relationship with her foster parents and social worker. It’s tough being a foster parent; it’s tougher when the child is a teen and even MORE tough when there’s a non-relative who has been told to stay away but who is going around everyone’s back to maintain contact. Youre asking this girl to lie for you, which is a terrible position for an adult to put a vulnerable child in. You had no contact with her for years; you can wait until she’s an adult. She’ll still be super cool and able to hold deep, meaningful conversations with you when she’s 18. This. I’m sorry it turned out this way but please respect the wishes of the other involved adults, for the girl’s sake. ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2016, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serious-q-involving-foster-kids/769268/32 "2016-11-02T20:39:33Z")
My advice would be to stay away to the extent possible. This could end up very very badly for you. There are already people with stronger connections than you who are suspicious of you. Even if you have the purest motivations, these people could ruin your life if they decide otherwise and act on it. Not worth it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serious-q-involving-foster-kids/769268.md?page=1)