# Seriously, I don't think he's a stalker. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 7, 2009, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675 "2009-08-07T18:52:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Novalyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/22d042/32.png) [@Novalyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Novalyne)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/41 "2009-08-07T22:15:17Z")
Usually I trust the intuitive feelings I get about people and situations. Recently, though, I met a couple who were friends with a mutual friend. For some reason, I had an instant aversion to the guy, thought he was kind of a jerk and not particularly nice to his girlfriend, even though he did nothing overt. I couldn’t really pinpoint why, but at the end of the evening I felt pretty secure with my assessment. I spent a few more evenings with them and it turns out the he is one of the nicest, sweetest guys I’ve met in awhile, and he and his girlfriend are a lovely and loving couple. I felt pretty ashamed of my instant assessment of him, and tried to figure out why I had such negative thoughts about him. My point, I guess, is that sometimes we can have irrational reactions to people that are not borne out by reality. Maybe this is what has happened with your friend? ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/42 "2009-08-07T23:20:02Z")
> [@Jelymag](#): > > I’m really curious that she’s never acted this way before. There’s got to be something she hasn’t shared that’s freaking her out. Is he at the gym EVERY time she goes? Is he there when she gets there or does he show up after? Has she ever talked to this girlfriend? Did she catch him peeking in the locker room or something? Does he remind her of someone? Has she seen him elsewhere? For a long time, I used to work full-time at the circulation desk of the library. So out of the 62 hours a week we were open, I would be the first person someone would see when they walk in for 35 of them. A bunch of people would remark how strange it was that I was always at the library when they were. Not that I was stalking them, but that seeing somewhere more than a few times at the same place freaked them out. Maybe that’s what this is. Although there was this one time someone did think I was stalking them. This girl of about 20 (who I must admit, was pretty cute) came in and practically screamed “YOU ARE ALWAYS HERE WHEN I COME IN!” Telling her that I worked at the library full-time just seemed to confuse her more. I didn’t see her for a long time after that but she eventually came back. And perhaps she’s over it, as she came in a few weeks ago and I accidentally bumped her hand when shelving DVDs and I worried she was going to flip out on me. Instead, she just smiled. Obviously, she’s stalking _me_. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/43 "2009-08-07T23:56:18Z")
I have learned the hard way never to completely ignore a woman’s intuition. If she thinks she’s in danger, she should take action. I think if she reports it to the management they are likely just to keep an eye out, and then she’ll have corroboration one way or the other. I don’t think it will hurt the guy, and it might make her feel better to know they are watching her get to her car, etc. This could also be a response to living with a jelaous man. They can make you crazy. They’ll convince you that every guy who looks at you is after you, and you are somehow guilty for attracting their attention. My biggest concern would be whether she is in danger from her husband. As strange as her response may have seemed, she might be trying to protect herself (or the guy)from her husband’s assumptions. She may even know that he’s playing a sick game by asking the guy to go talk to her about it. He may be watching for any tiny hiccough he can interpret as an invitation on her part, in order to torture her about it. And why didn’t the guy’s girlfriend talk to her? That’s the normal way, isn’t it? There’s nothing wrong with being direct and clear about refusing an unwanted advance. It really is the best way. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/44 "2009-08-08T00:18:55Z")
> [@ShelliBean](#): > > My inner smart ass instead immediately thought “There’s that bitch that was rude to me for trying to be friendly. Now I’m really going to fuck with her head.” Then he wages his war of subtle head nods and half smiles and mouthed "hi"s until she cracks. I think that’s EXACTLY what Jesus would do!😃 Can anybody cite the supporting Bible verse? Seriously, women like her scare me. She wouldn’t notice him looking at her unless she was looking at him, right? ---
**Author:** ![Turek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/turek/32/18782_2.png) [@Turek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turek)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/45 "2009-08-08T00:22:10Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > I think if she reports it to the management they are likely just to keep an eye out, and then she’ll have corroboration one way or the other. I don’t think it will hurt the guy, and it might make her feel better to know they are watching her get to her car, etc. I disagree. There are way too many false accusations of men as it is. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/46 "2009-08-08T00:26:06Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > I have learned the hard way never to completely ignore a woman’s intuition. If she thinks she’s in danger, she should take action. I think if she reports it to the management they are likely just to keep an eye out, and then she’ll have corroboration one way or the other. I don’t think it will hurt the guy, and it might make her feel better to know they are watching her get to her car, etc. > This could also be a response to living with a jelaous man. They can make you crazy. They’ll convince you that every guy who looks at you is after you, and you are somehow guilty for attracting their attention. My biggest concern would be whether she is in danger from her husband. > > As strange as her response may have seemed, she might be trying to protect herself (or the guy)from her husband’s assumptions. She may even know that he’s playing a sick game by asking the guy to go talk to her about it. He may be watching for any tiny hiccough he can interpret as an invitation on her part, in order to torture her about it. > > And why didn’t the guy’s girlfriend talk to her? That’s the normal way, isn’t it? > > There’s nothing wrong with being direct and clear about refusing an unwanted advance. It really is the best way. Good points - also why not talk to the potential stalker guys girlfriend about how she feels uncomfortable. I’d rather get the two of them together and say what I have to say than go to the management. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/47 "2009-08-08T00:29:54Z")
He really is not a stalker. Your friend needs to learn what a stalker actually is, hopefully not via personal experience. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/48 "2009-08-08T00:36:18Z")
> [@overlyverbose](#): > > Yeah. Apparently Larry gave the husband his card during their conversation, then came over and talked to my friend. The husband was initially interested in going out with Larry & his girlfriend, but had to go out of town on business that weekend. My friend refuses to talk to her husband about why she feels uncomfortable around him. She says her husband (who I’ve talked to maybe once or twice) is very possessive. So maybe that’s the issue. This doesn’t make sense. If her husband were so possessive, why would he tell the guy to talk to her directly? ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/49 "2009-08-08T00:38:07Z")
Possibility: Several women in the larger circle of friends I used to belong to were very paranoid about Single Men. Single Men were NOT SAFE. As one of these terrifying individuals, they seldom spoke to me and sometimes actively snubbed me. I was not invited to several parties to the point of other members of the group asking why I (and another single male) were being excluded. At that point, one of these paranoid little snowflakes tried to explain it to me by telling me that I might be uncomfortable at the party. No, I said, the truth was that they were uncomfortable with me (and other single men) and they should stop trying to pretend otherwise. The proof came when I got married. Then I was Acceptable, and welcome at every event. They spoke to me like I was a real human. Then I got divorced, and they refused to ever speak to me again. > [@TruCelt](#): > > I have learned the hard way never to completely ignore a woman’s intuition. If she thinks she’s in danger, she should take action. Thanks so much for the Paranoid Nutjob perspective. There isn’t really much of a line between “taking action” and harassment or false or baseless accusations that cause real harm. I’ve been on the other side of this, both as a single man and as the husband of a delusional paranoid, and it ain’t pretty. I’ve also been on the third side of this as a Security Officer, and I can tell you that baseless allegations and unwarranted witch hunts damage reputations and cause future allegations to be much more closely scrutinized, and unfortunately, sometimes ignored. In short, shove it up your ass. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/50 "2009-08-08T00:44:03Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > I have learned the hard way never to completely ignore a woman’s intuition. If she thinks she’s in danger, she should take action. Is it just women’s intuition, or anyone’s? Saying “Don’t doubt women’s intiutition” just seems kind of patronizing. I mean, women are just as likely as anyone else to be wrong about gut feelings. If she genuinely had a case, then yes, but sometimes people are just paranoid. > [@](#): > > And why didn’t the guy’s girlfriend talk to her? That’s the normal way, isn’t it? I don’t really see why. Maybe she wasn’t there. Or maybe the guy is more gregarious. I mean, I get that in general women don’t like to be approached by strange guys, but at some point, implying that it’s abnormal for a guy to ever approach a woman is getting into some creepy territory. And I say this as a woman. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/51 "2009-08-08T01:30:05Z")
I don’t think your friend is crazy, I think she’s just being a brat, honestly. Maybe there’s a very understandable reason she’s acting this way, but if she hasn’t indicated that she wants to talk about it, then IMHO it’s not your place to suss it out for her. I would just leave it alone, and if she kept bringing it up then I’d tell her I thought she was being unfair to this guy. Sometimes people just need to hear that they’re being unreasonable. I know I need to hear it sometimes. As for this being new behavior, how long have you known her, and how many times has you known her to be in the same situation? I mean, if you’re married and usually got out and about with your husband, then random guys don’t come up to you as often asking if you want to hang out. So it could be that nothings really changed for her, you’re just getting to know her more. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/52 "2009-08-08T02:12:00Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Something like that happened to me many years ago. I was at a bar, nursing beer number, oh, 72 or something like that, and just kind of staring straight ahead. I suppose it’s possible that occasionally I’d looked around at people for a moment, but mostly I was just lost in thought. > > All of a sudden this guy tapped me on the shoulder and demanded to know why I had been staring at him all night. He was backed up by 2 or 3 of his friends. I swore I wasn’t looking at him, but he was insistent. He accused me several more times, and I denied it each time. He asked if I was gay, in a way that implied he’d kick my ass if I said yes. This went on for several minutes, and was pretty scary. I have no idea what put the thought in his head. Hell, that was my entire freshman year of high school!!! Someone was always threatening to “kick my ass” because I gave them a “dirty look.” Mostly it’s just beccause the look on my face tends to be really angry, or upset, people tell me. **Hampshire** – he spoke to her ONCE. She ordered him to leave her alone, very rudely, I might add. Now, all he does is say the occassional, “Hello” or whatever. (Which might be just a habit – I do that to everyone, pretty much) ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/53 "2009-08-08T03:17:02Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > In short, shove it up your ass. That was rude and uneccessary. It has the effect of making me wonder just how wrong these other people were about you. ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/54 "2009-08-08T03:25:19Z")
My take is that the guy was evangelizing. Inviting semi-random strangers to church? If this were a normal conversation, the guy would have just left it to the husband to invite his wife along to trivia night. Going and also talking to the wife sounds to me like a kid trying to pull “but mom said I could” “but it’s OK with dad.” No, I don’t think she’s being stalked. I do say kudos to her for stating flat-out she didn’t want to talk to the guy. None of this “so I only kinda smile when I say hi to him” conflict-avoidant stuff. What does seem really strange is why she won’t talk to her husband about it. That just seems odd. Is her husband still thinking they’re all going to get together for Bible trivia sometime? Is her husband some jealous nutjob who’s going to go all pistols-at-dawn? Did her husband really say “go talk to my wife”? If he didn’t, then that does put the guy’s behavior in the creepy category. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/55 "2009-08-08T03:56:23Z")
> [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](#): > > My take is that the guy was evangelizing. Inviting semi-random strangers to church? > > :snip: > > Is her husband still thinking they’re all going to get together for Bible trivia sometime? Trivia nights are the modern equivalent of bingo nights with the benefit of not being associated with old people or gambling. [A church in the St. Louis area had a Harry Potter trivia night last week.](http://events.thetelegraph.com/edwardsville-il/events/show/87966242-harry-potter-trivia-night) ---
**Author:** ![DZedNConfused](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dzednconfused/32/15991_2.png) [@DZedNConfused](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DZedNConfused)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/56 "2009-08-08T04:28:05Z")
> [@ShelliBean](#): > > My inner smart ass instead immediately thought “There’s that bitch that was rude to me for trying to be friendly. Now I’m really going to fuck with her head.” Then he wages his war of subtle head nods and half smiles and mouthed "hi"s until she cracks. Basically what I was thinking, I would CERTAIN to ALWAYS smile and wave any time I saw her after that response. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/57 "2009-08-08T06:45:37Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > Thanks so much for the Paranoid Nutjob perspective. There isn’t really much of a line between “taking action” and harassment or false or baseless accusations that cause real harm. I’ve been on the other side of this, both as a single man and as the husband of a delusional paranoid, and it ain’t pretty. I’ve also been on the third side of this as a Security Officer, and I can tell you that baseless allegations and unwarranted witch hunts damage reputations and cause future allegations to be much more closely scrutinized, and unfortunately, sometimes ignored. > > In short, shove it up your ass. Personal insults aren’t allowed in this forum, **Chimera**. Please don’t do this again. ---
**Author:** ![Abby\_Emma\_Sasha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@Abby\_Emma\_Sasha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abby_Emma_Sasha)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/58 "2009-08-08T06:51:36Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > I can sympathize with **Overlyverbose** ’s friend. I was in a Starbucks once, and when the barista handed me my change, she said: “Have a nice day!” > > :eek: Can you believe it??? “Have a nice day!” Just like that! As if she thought she was my friend or something! I haven’t told my SO, I don’t want to scare her, but I’ve taken to walking the wrong way for a few blocks after I get off the bus in case the crazy barista girl is following me. Oh, pshaw, that’s nothing. Just last week I was at Wal Mart and while checking out I told the clerk I _liked her nail polish!_ Clearly I am freaky compliment giving maniac and I must be stopped. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/59 "2009-08-08T16:01:49Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > Personal insults aren’t allowed in this forum, **Chimera**. Please don’t do this again. My apologies. For the record: I walked away from the computer, came back and noticed that it was not the Pit and went “oops”. I tried to edit the post but was too late on the edit window. So I reported my own post and asked that the offending sentence be removed. Unfortunately, this was not done. But still, my error. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2009, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675/60 "2009-08-09T01:40:20Z")
So basically, he once invited her and her husband to an event at his church, was rudely rebuffed, and now all he does is give the occassional “Hello?” (Well, she CLAIMS he “looks at her”, and that he was staring at her car to memorize her license plate number?) Uh… yeah, total stalker. I’d say we’re looking at a _Sleeping With the Enemy_ situation here. 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/seriously-i-dont-think-hes-a-stalker/505675.md?page=4)