# Serving divorce papers **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 21, 2013, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822 "2013-08-21T20:00:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![want2befree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/3e96dc/32.png) [@want2befree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/want2befree)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/1 "2013-08-21T20:00:24Z")
In the midst of trying to decide between using a friend/family or a process server, I get the following unsolicited message from my family member: Lazy, scared and people with no friends use process servers. Wow, thanks for the input, rude one. What say you guys? ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/2 "2013-08-21T20:07:38Z")
I can’t imagine a situation where I would use a family member or a friend rather than a process server. Especially not a divorce. Is the family member from whom you got the message volunteering? Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/3 "2013-08-21T20:11:10Z")
Weird message. Sometimes it’s best to use a pro depending on the situation and the people involved. That said, there were two occasions where I served papers on a business for two different friends of mine. I had a friendly divorce so we just got a mutual friend to sign the paperwork and “serve” the ex. ---
**Author:** ![DivineComedienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c67d28/32.png) [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/4 "2013-08-21T20:20:12Z")
I gave my ex the divorce papers myself. As unpleasant as that was, I felt it would be difficult for him if I had a process server. That is, as I assumed he would be served during business hours, it would be unpleasant/embarrassing for him to get served at work with co-workers around, etc. I suppose if I had had reservations about doing it myself (feared for my safety, afraid of a scene, etc.) then I would have asked a friend/family member to do it. Hiring a process server would have been a last resort, but mostly because I’m cheap and wouldn’t want to spend the extra money. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/5 "2013-08-21T20:36:05Z")
I think any family member or friend who would be willing to serve divorce papers is probably the last person you want doing so. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/6 "2013-08-21T20:38:33Z")
My husband and I are in the midst of breaking up. I’d be serving them in person unless there was a physical threat of harm. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/7 "2013-08-21T20:47:51Z")
> [@DivineComedienne](#): > > I gave my ex the divorce papers myself. Concur. In my county, IIRC, you either do it yourself and include an extra notarized form or the sheriff’s office does it. Because the city and county governments here are all but unified, that’s one of the few jobs the sheriff’s office still has. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/8 "2013-08-21T20:48:24Z")
> [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > I think any family member or friend who would be willing to serve divorce papers is probably the last person you want doing so. Why? Given a relatively amicable divorce, it makes no sense waste money on a professional process server. Just have a friend do it. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/9 "2013-08-21T20:50:26Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > Why? > > Given a relatively amicable divorce, it makes no sense waste money on a professional process server. Just have a friend do it. “As you’re looking over these papers, I’ll be opening a bottle of wine. You’re bound to need someone to … er … _comfort_ you.” ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/10 "2013-08-21T20:55:37Z")
I think people who use process servers are considerate people who don’t want to call in silly favors from family members and friends that may bring them into a potentially dramatic situation. ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/11 "2013-08-21T20:56:17Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > Why? > > Given a relatively amicable divorce That’s a pretty big given we’re starting out with here. ---
**Author:** ![want2befree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/3e96dc/32.png) [@want2befree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/want2befree)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/12 "2013-08-21T20:58:58Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > I think people who use process servers are considerate people who don’t want to call in silly favors from family members and friends that may bring them into a potentially dramatic situation. Amen!!! Also, with regard to serving them yourself, I don’t know about other states, but here in California, you cannot serve them yourself, it has to be someone else. ---
**Author:** ![want2befree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/3e96dc/32.png) [@want2befree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/want2befree)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/13 "2013-08-21T21:02:22Z")
> [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > That’s a pretty big given we’re starting out with here. I’m pretty sure I could say it’s an amicable divorce. I mean no, he doesn’t want it, but has not said one peep about it in the 4 years since I left him. He currently lives with me, so I’d say I need to worry much more about the actual getting him to move out, than the being served part. ---
**Author:** ![GreasyJack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/df705f/32.png) [@GreasyJack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreasyJack)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/14 "2013-08-21T21:05:32Z")
Another thing is that process servers sometimes aren’t exactly the fastest, and someone doing their own divorce isn’t exactly going to jump to the top of their pile. I have some attorney friends and, at least around here, it usually takes about two weeks or so. If they really need things served quickly, they have someone in the office do it. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/15 "2013-08-21T21:05:37Z")
> [@want2befree](#): > > I’m pretty sure I could say it’s an amicable divorce. I mean no, he doesn’t want it, but has not said one peep about it in the 4 years since I left him. He currently lives with me, so I’d say I need to worry much more about the actual getting him to move out, than the being served part. Uh, yeah. I have to agree. I mean, serving him should put him on notice that he’s going to have to find a new place to live. (And if he’s not paying rent, that’s going to be a substantial financial hit. He could get upset. Stay safe.) ---
**Author:** ![want2befree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/3e96dc/32.png) [@want2befree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/want2befree)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/16 "2013-08-21T21:32:21Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > I had a friendly divorce so we just got a mutual friend to sign the paperwork and “serve” the ex. In that vein, (ha ha I Googled to find the correct spelling of that word and found a SDMB thread about it), perhaps I could have our 18 year old “serve” him? Or would that be putting too much of an emotional weight on her? Or would she be considered a party to the divorce, because I was told it has to be someone who is not a party to the divorce. ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/17 "2013-08-21T21:37:04Z")
> [@KneadToKnow](#): > > Concur. In my county, IIRC, you either do it yourself and include an extra notarized form or the sheriff’s office does it. Because the city and county governments here are all but unified, that’s one of the few jobs the sheriff’s office still has. I believe the Wake County Sheriff’s office served my ex-wife, but that was nearly twenty years ago. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/18 "2013-08-21T21:47:06Z")
> [@want2befree](#): > > perhaps I could have our 18 year old “serve” him? I don’t know anything about serving papers, but I think that’s a terrible idea. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/19 "2013-08-21T21:59:25Z")
> [@Mollie\_Magill](#): > > I believe the Wake County Sheriff’s office served my ex-wife, but that was nearly twenty years ago. Yeah, my ex-wife’s parents were living in Wilson County when they split up and ex-MIL had the sheriff’s office serve ex-FIL. Maybe it’s a North Carolina thing. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2013, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822/20 "2013-08-21T22:04:10Z")
> [@want2befree](#): > > Also, with regard to serving them yourself, I don’t know about other states, but here in California, you cannot serve them yourself, it has to be someone else. Colorado is pretty laid back. You don’t need a witness or any particular official to marry you–the two of you can ‘self-solemnify’ and do the paperwork at the DMV later. Similarly, the court is happy enough to have his & her notarized signatures on the divorce petition–no service or attorneys required. I downloaded and filled out my divorce petition during lunch on a Monday, got my signature notarized over lunch on Tuesday, handed the papers to Wife 1.0 Tuesday after work and said, “Please get me a notarized signature by Friday” and went upstairs to start packing. Easy Peasy. I’d be lying if I denied feeling a certain grim satisfaction in dealing the coup de gras to the marriage myself, it would be a shame to waste that by using a disinterested process server. Of course, if I suspected she was going to smack me with a stick or something I’d have left first and paid a stranger take the hit. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/serving-divorce-papers/666822.md?page=2)