# Sex as a duty? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 30, 2009, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-as-a-duty/491354 "2009-03-30T21:26:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 3\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2009, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-as-a-duty/491354/21 "2009-03-31T21:14:48Z")
My boyfriend and I have pretty well-matched sex drives, but of course we don’t match up exactly. If he initiates sex and I’m not in the mood, one of three things will happen: 1. If I’m feeling fine otherwise, I’ll go along with it, because I know that I’ll get turned on after a few minutes of fooling around. 2. If I’m too tired for intercourse but otherwise feeling okay, I’ll usually offer him a blowjob. Sometimes he accepts, sometimes he wants intercourse or nothing, sometimes the fact that I’m not into it turns him off. 3. If I’m feeling crappy or completely exhausted, I’ll turn him down. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2009, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-as-a-duty/491354/22 "2009-03-31T21:42:45Z")
What **Jodi** says. People aren’t always 100% in sync. There is a difference between “Sure, but don’t expect miracles, I gotta get up in the morning” and “What, _again_?” Sometimes she’ll make me a sandwich even if she isn’t hungry. “Doing your duty” sounds so grudging, though. And it would be disrespectful, not to say jerky, to insist when she really doesn’t feel up to it. It’s not like I’m going to die if I have to wait until tomorrow. And, not to put too fine a point on it, not every form of intimate activity requires both parties to engage at the same level. Did I say that out loud? Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2009, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-as-a-duty/491354/23 "2009-03-31T22:01:28Z")
> [@Jodi](#): > > I think there’s an important distinction to draw here, in that there’s a fundamental difference with someone who wants to accommodate their partner even if they’d rather not (at least initally), and a person who basically says, _Oh, fine. Let me lie down and you climb on top but hurry up because this annoys me, and I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY NOW._ Like anything else, there’s a way to do it (har!) and kind of roll with it (har har!), and a way to make it very clear that you consider it (whatever it is) to qualify you for personal martyrdom. > > The former is fine, IMO, and into every relationship a little of this must fall. The latter is selfish, obnoxious, and sometimes wounding to your partner, and a person doing it deserves a good kick in the pants. I agree, but the other half of that is being made to feel guilty when you say not tonight by the party who wants the accommodating. I got tired of feeling guilty constantly and angry at having various “statistics” shown to me re how often American couples have sex/should have sex etc. I have no problem with the “we’re a tad out of synch but it’s all good in the end” type of compromising. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-as-a-duty/491354.md?page=1)