# Sex Torture? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 11, 2006, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701 "2006-12-11T17:47:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Triskadecamus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b19c9b/32.png) [@Triskadecamus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triskadecamus)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2006, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/41 "2006-12-13T15:09:07Z")
A truely respectful S&M relationship is far less abusive than your typical not so hot romantic encounter. Tops who don’t know, and respect limits are pretty thoroughly shunned in the culture, while abusive guys in bar scenes often have great reputations, and lots of girlfriends. Most bottoms in S&M have very strong feelings about real abuse, and are not shy about sticking up for themselves when the encounter it. One of those peculiar things about “those people.” 😉 I don’t mean to imply that there is no chance of abuse in this type of exploration, only that it really is not a major feature of the subculture. Tris ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2006, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/42 "2006-12-13T15:35:50Z")
**anastaseon** writes: > [@](#): > > For me, it can’t just be a punch in the face - that’s not pleasurable. I have to be built up to it, slowly, and the more turned on I get, the harder things can progress - with my consent - and up to the point that I want to be slapped, hit, spanked, etc. I don’t know why I enjoy it, and \*it took a long, long time for my husband to be as comfortable as he is now. \* (Although I added the italics) I can’t help it; I gotta ask: Is your husband still beating his wife? ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2006, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/43 "2006-12-13T18:30:35Z")
It occurs to me that my somewhat-snarky post upthread could be construed as contempt for S/M or B/D or other practices of that ilk. So I’d like to issue a disclaimer about that. I’m entirely capable of experiencing power diffs as erotic under the right circumstances myself. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2006, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/44 "2006-12-13T18:40:04Z")
[QUOTE=CalMeacham] I can’t help it; I gotta ask: Is your husband still beating his wife? [/QUOTE] Yes. Wait, no. No wait, he never… _heyyyy_ now. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2006, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/45 "2006-12-13T22:24:56Z")
[QUOTE=pool] In my mind I always call BS on the whole pain gives me pleasure thing. I mean if I went to some BDSM club I don’t think anyone will be lining up for me to punch them in the face with brass knuckles. [/QUOTE] How do you mean, BS? Are you saying that people who are into S&M are lying when they say they enjoy being hurt? Or are you saying they’re lying about it hurting in the first place? In either case, why would they lie about it? ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2006, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/46 "2006-12-14T04:28:41Z")
[QUOTE=Antinor01] Point being, there most likely are people out there that would let you punch them in the face AND get off on it. But they are a distinct minority. [/QUOTE] Marvel Comics has a “spoof” superhero team called “The Great Lakes Avengers”. The briefly had a member who called himself “Leatherboy”. They eventually figured out that he didn’t have any superpowers — he was just a masochist who joined the team in the hopes of getting beat up on a regular basis. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2006, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/47 "2006-12-14T04:44:37Z")
[QUOTE=AHunter3] It’s mostly the eroticization of power. One key way of underlining a power differential is to establish the ability of Party A to inflict pain on Party B, especially at times and to degrees of Party A’s choosing. Also, if Party A is similarly able to elicit pleasure in Party B with similarly granular control of how much and when, Party A has all the behavior-modification grips on Party B, pleasure and pain. [/QUOTE] I’ve sometimes heard it said that in a BDSM relationship and/or session, the **bottom** is the party that really has the power. No, I don’t understand it either. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2006, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/48 "2006-12-14T10:53:23Z")
[QUOTE=Phase42] Marvel Comics has a “spoof” superhero team called “The Great Lakes Avengers”. The briefly had a member who called himself “Leatherboy”. They eventually figured out that he didn’t have any superpowers — he was just a masochist who joined the team in the hopes of getting beat up on a regular basis. 😃 [/QUOTE] I just lately reread _Watchmen_, and at the end of chapter 1 Laurie Juspeczyck and Dan Dreiberg are reminiscing about “Captain Carnage”, who did exactly that. Unfortunately he tried the routine on Rorschach, who obliged by dropping him down an elevator shaft. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2006, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/49 "2006-12-14T12:29:16Z")
I’d forgotten about that …! ---
**Author:** ![Triskadecamus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b19c9b/32.png) [@Triskadecamus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triskadecamus)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2006, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/50 "2006-12-14T15:59:10Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] I’ve sometimes heard it said that in a BDSM relationship and/or session, the **bottom** is the party that really has the power. No, I don’t understand it either. [/QUOTE] It’s hard to be all toppish when you got no bottom. Since actual chattel slavery is generally not part of the BDSM relationship, you do what the bottom wants, or you think about what you would have done to the bottom that found a top that fits. Power is about making something happen. Tops don’t have it. Dominance without submission is . . . boring. Tris ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2006, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/51 "2006-12-14T16:36:28Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] I’ve sometimes heard it said that in a BDSM relationship and/or session, the **bottom** is the party that really has the power. No, I don’t understand it either. [/QUOTE] This is a topic of discussion that I’ve seen come up fairly frequently within the community: to what extent does the bottom have the power in a scene, and how, then, does the top maintain control of the scene and the illusion of power? One way in which the bottom has the power in a scene is through their safeword. The bottom can stop the scene at any time he or she chooses. Also, scenes are often tailored to the bottom’s needs and desires, which the top is then responsible for meeting, but not exceeding. To give a (simplified) personal example: two of my kinks are men in skirts and sadism. I’ve met a man who enjoys cross-dressing but isn’t very masochistic. We’re planning a scene that will focus on his cross-dressing and feature some light spanking, but I won’t get to indulge much in my sadistic tendencies because the scene - any scene - is defined by the limits of the bottom. Just because I’m dominating him doesn’t mean I get to do whatever I feel like. As the top, I’m responsible for making the scene good for both of us: for the bottom by working within his limits, and for myself by finding something within those limits that I’ll enjoy. The bottom, in turn, is responsible for telling me beforehand what he enjoys and what his limits are, and during the scene for giving me feedback about how much he’s enjoying himself (through words, sounds, and body language) so I know whether I should change what I’m doing, keep doing it, or try pushing his limits a little. ---
**Author:** ![pool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pool/32/4152_2.png) [@pool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pool)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2006, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/52 "2006-12-14T19:13:09Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by **Miller** > How do you mean, BS? Are you saying that people who are into S&M are lying when they say they enjoy being hurt? Or are you saying they’re lying about it hurting in the first place? In either case, why would they lie about it? I think the actual people who enjoy any pain are few and far in-between. Having somone whip you on the ass with a leather whip the way they do it isn’t real pain. As to why they might lie, I’m guessing for the attention…Oh I’m so hardcore, its so shocking I like getting whipped, give me a fucking break. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2006, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/53 "2006-12-14T19:21:58Z")
[QUOTE=pool] I think the actual people who enjoy any pain are few and far in-between. Having somone whip you on the ass with a leather whip the way they do it isn’t real pain. As to why they might lie, I’m guessing for the attention…Oh I’m so hardcore, its so shocking I like getting whipped, give me a fucking break. [/QUOTE] You are of course welcome to believe anything you choose. In this case you would also be wrong. You’ll find that most people that are into sex mixed with pain don’t talk about it much without being asked. So who are they seeking attention from? Yes, like any group there are posers. They are the exception though. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2006, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/54 "2006-12-14T19:33:43Z")
[QUOTE=pool] I think the actual people who enjoy any pain are few and far in-between. [/QUOTE] So you’ve never met someone who enjoys very spicey food, how strange. ---
**Author:** ![pool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pool/32/4152_2.png) [@pool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pool)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2006, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/55 "2006-12-14T19:52:48Z")
> [@](#): > > You’ll find that most people that are into sex mixed with pain don’t talk about it much without being asked. Cite? > [@](#): > > So who are they seeking attention from? Yes, like any group there are posers. They are the exception though. So all those who put on public exhibitions are posers? Well let me tell you there must be a very high proportion of posers then. I was at a bar just last month and there was a group with all the BDSM type gear on whipping some chick’s ass. > **[File:Folsom 2004 Janus Booth.jpg](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Folsom_2004_Janus_Booth.jpg)** > > Click on a date/time to view the file as it appeared at that time. > You cannot overwrite this file. The following page uses this file: > The following other wikis use this file: > **[File:Partial suspension folsom.jpg](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Partial_suspension_folsom.jpg)** > > Click on a date/time to view the file as it appeared at that time. > You cannot overwrite this file. The following 4 pages use this file: > The following other wikis use this file: > **[File:Flogging demo folsom 2004.jpg](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Flogging_demo_folsom_2004.jpg)** > > Click on a date/time to view the file as it appeared at that time. > You cannot overwrite this file. The following page uses this file: > The following other wikis use this file: > **[File:Ponygirl folsom2005.jpg](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Ponygirl_folsom2005.jpg)** > > 25 September 2005 > > > Taken 9/25/05, Cropped 10/06/05 using the en:GIMP. Click on a date/time to view the file as it appeared at that time. No you are right none of these people want any attention. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2006, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/56 "2006-12-14T20:28:41Z")
[QUOTE=pool] Cite? [/quote] You want a cite for people NOT doing something? That’s cute. > [@](#): > > So all those who put on public exhibitions are posers? Well let me tell you there must be a very high proportion of posers then. I was at a bar just last month and there was a group with all the BDSM type gear on whipping some chick’s ass. > > [File:Folsom 2004 Janus Booth.jpg - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Folsom_2004_Janus_Booth.jpg) > > [File:Partial suspension folsom.jpg - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Partial_suspension_folsom.jpg) > > [File:Flogging demo folsom 2004.jpg - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Flogging_demo_folsom_2004.jpg) > > [File:Ponygirl folsom2005.jpg - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Ponygirl_folsom2005.jpg) > > No you are right none of these people want any attention. Some people do like to do things in public, I have seen though that the public demonstrations very much tend to be a lot less ‘hardcore’ (to use your word) then what they do in private. Exhibitionists and the SM crowd do have some crossover, but are not automatically the same thing. When I mentioned posers I was refering to your statement that there are people who aren’t as into it as they claim. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2006, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/57 "2006-12-14T20:53:20Z")
[QUOTE=pool] I think the actual people who enjoy any pain are few and far in-between. Having somone whip you on the ass with a leather whip the way they do it isn’t real pain. As to why they might lie, I’m guessing for the attention…Oh I’m so hardcore, its so shocking I like getting whipped, give me a fucking break. [/QUOTE] I’ve given a couple people welts across their back and ass. I’m not a heavy-pain bottom myself, but the results of a scene I did a couple weeks ago can been seen here: [http://bleeargh.blogspot.com/2006/12/whats-black-and-blue-and-red-all-over.html](http://bleeargh.blogspot.com/2006/12/whats-black-and-blue-and-red-all-over.html) (not work-safe) And if you really want to talk pain, try cock-and-ball torture: [Mistress Matisse](http://mistressmatisse.blogspot.com/2004/10/week-in-review-warning-this-entry.html) (work-safe) Like **Antinor01** said, most people don’t do the extreme stuff in public. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2006, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/58 "2006-12-15T00:28:56Z")
[QUOTE=pool] So all those who put on public exhibitions are posers? Well let me tell you there must be a very high proportion of posers then. I was at a bar just last month and there was a group with all the BDSM type gear on whipping some chick’s ass. [/quote] Well what do you expect going to a BDSM club? Or if by the very slight chance it wasn’t a BDSM club, then the group you saw were being extremely rude in showing off their kink to unsuspecting people. [QUOTE=pool] > **[File:Folsom 2004 Janus Booth.jpg](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Folsom_2004_Janus_Booth.jpg)** > > Click on a date/time to view the file as it appeared at that time. > You cannot overwrite this file. The following page uses this file: > The following other wikis use this file: > **[File:Partial suspension folsom.jpg](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Partial_suspension_folsom.jpg)** > > Click on a date/time to view the file as it appeared at that time. > You cannot overwrite this file. The following 4 pages use this file: > The following other wikis use this file: > **[File:Flogging demo folsom 2004.jpg](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Flogging_demo_folsom_2004.jpg)** > > Click on a date/time to view the file as it appeared at that time. > You cannot overwrite this file. The following page uses this file: > The following other wikis use this file: > **[File:Ponygirl folsom2005.jpg](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Ponygirl_folsom2005.jpg)** > > 25 September 2005 > > > Taken 9/25/05, Cropped 10/06/05 using the en:GIMP. Click on a date/time to view the file as it appeared at that time. No you are right none of these people want any attention. [/QUOTE] Guess what, you see lots of gay people at gay pride. It doesn’t mean they are pretending to be homosexuals, just to look cool. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2006, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/59 "2006-12-15T00:35:56Z")
[QUOTE=Bippy the Beardless] Guess what, you see lots of gay people at gay pride. It doesn’t mean they are pretending to be homosexuals, just to look cool. [/QUOTE] I don’t know, it’s getting pretty fashionable to be gay these days. ---
**Author:** ![pool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pool/32/4152_2.png) [@pool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pool)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2006, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701/60 "2006-12-15T03:03:44Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by **Bippy the Beardless** > **Well what do you expect going to a BDSM club?** Or if by the very slight chance it wasn’t a BDSM club, then the group you saw were being extremely rude in showing off their kink to unsuspecting people. It wasn’t a BDSM club, just a regular bar. It wasn’t that they were rude that does not bother me, I just think its an obvious cry for attention, “Hey look at me!” > [@](#): > > Guess what, you see lots of gay people at gay pride. It doesn’t mean they are pretending to be homosexuals, just to look cool. Gay pride events are trying to make a statement about prejudice and affect the political and social order. BDSM groups just want attention in my opinion, and maybe to make some money selling BDSM gear. > [@](#): > > I’ve given a couple people welts across their back and ass. I’m not a heavy-pain bottom myself, but the results of a scene I did a couple weeks ago can been seen here: > [http://bleeargh.blogspot.com/2006/12/whats-black-and-blue-and-red-all-over.html](http://bleeargh.blogspot.com/2006/12/whats-black-and-blue-and-red-all-over.html) Oh dear, not a couple bruises on the ass :rolleyes: The other link didn’t seem to show any pics. Listen, I’m sure there a few that may enjoy some hardcore painful whatever in a sexual situation, but getting flogged on your ass and then saying “Oh I like pain”, that isn’t “real” pain, thats just someone who wants some attention for their “crazy” fetishes :rolleyes: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sex-torture/383701.md?page=4)