# Sexless Marriage- what do you do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 27, 2010, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551 "2010-10-27T17:12:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/61 "2010-10-28T01:53:52Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > \ ladies, ask your mother how easy it was for her to get pregnant!\ My two older and my two younger sisters were born less than a year apart - I don’t think I have to ask. 🙂 > [@ptr2void](#): > > I so want to comment more on this, but this is the Internet. Let’s just say I’ve stayed. How much longer will it continue? I don’t know. The situation is at a complete impasse, partially due to her medical condition, but it pre-dates the onset of that. In the past decade I’ve probably had sex 5 times, last at least 3 years ago. That includes ANY kind of physical intimacy, even kissing. I’m miserable because of it, but how do I address it without her feeling blamed because she has this medical condition? > > Sigh. That’s rough - you have my sympathy. I guess the bottom line for you is if everything else she gives you makes up for a complete lack of physical intimacy. If not, well, it’s hard to blame you for being a human being who wants to be happy. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/62 "2010-10-28T01:56:25Z")
I haven’t decided yet. ---
**Author:** ![drastic\_quench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e36b37/32.png) [@drastic\_quench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drastic_quench)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/63 "2010-10-28T02:01:46Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I’ll admit that I can’t wrap my head around the husband or wife that cheats rather than ending the relationship. I totally see where you’re coming from, but in this hypothetical party’s defense, sex isn’t everything in a relationship. Even in a relationship devoid of physical interaction both parties can benefit from lots of other aspects in the relationship - even more so if they have children and need to be relied on as good/stable parents. ETA: just the pairing of the two words: sexless marriage, makes me sad. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/64 "2010-10-28T02:07:40Z")
> [@drastic\_quench](#): > > I totally see where you’re coming from, but in this hypothetical party’s defense, sex isn’t everything in a relationship. You’re right. It isn’t. For me, then, that’s where the cheating doesn’t make sense. If it’s important enough to risk the relationship exploding in my face, it’s important enough to address honestly and openly. If it’s not important enough to address honestly and openly, it’s not important enough to risk the relationship for. ETA: Agreed with your edit, too. It’s a sucky situation. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/65 "2010-10-28T02:19:55Z")
The medications my wife is on decrease her sex drive. She can go for weeks without it. I can go for days, sometimes. Trying to get matched up can be a problem. Most of the time it isn’t even worth the effort to try, just to find out that a back rub really is only a back rub. She does try, about 3-4 times a year, to have sex with me. And I appreciate the times that she tries. It’s been this way throughout most of our 12 year marriage. So, maybe it is my fault with putting up with it for so long. If I try to talk about it with her, I get something like, I’m sorry, I will try more often, but it stays the same. I really can’t cheat. Partly because I don’t feel right about it, and partly because the Army has rules about that (Legally, there are no open marriages in the Army.) So, I take what I can get. I used to think I was good, maybe not great at sex, but now I wonder. If I was to cheat, it would only be to see if I was still any good. But I don’t think I will. Just my 2c. SSG § Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/66 "2010-10-28T03:01:16Z")
I didn’t vote because I don’t personally have a fixed position on this, but this probably comes under option 5 **You Forgot.** I had a friend come to me for advice on this exact matter recently. The relationship is good (he actually used the word “blissful”). She feels that as she doesn’t want full-on sex, just “some sexual contact” (which I took to mean oral and/or masturbation, whether mutual or not I didn’t find out) that should be enough for him. Advising him to cheat seemed out of the question (he felt it would be a deal breaker because of the deception as much as anything) and due to the above, having an open relationship is not an option either. So I advised him to start going to a brothel. Note that they are legal and regulated here, there is virtually 0% health risk. I hope to find out how that went shortly. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/67 "2010-10-28T03:24:44Z")
> [@Askance](#): > > I didn’t vote because I don’t personally have a fixed position on this, but this probably comes under option 5 **You Forgot.** > > I had a friend come to me for advice on this exact matter recently. The relationship is good (he actually used the word “blissful”). She feels that as she doesn’t want full-on sex, just “some sexual contact” (which I took to mean oral and/or masturbation, whether mutual or not I didn’t find out) that should be enough for him. > > Advising him to cheat seemed out of the question (he felt it would be a deal breaker because of the deception as much as anything) and due to the above, having an open relationship is not an option either. > > So I advised him to start going to a brothel. Note that they are legal and regulated here, there is virtually 0% health risk. I hope to find out how that went shortly. A brothel isn’t cheating? ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/68 "2010-10-28T03:35:18Z")
My marriage is almost identical to one of those stated above, except instead of three years, it’s been eight. I stay because I love him no matter what and because he’s forgiven me for some terrible transgressions (an affair) of my own. Do I hope things change and improve? You bet. But I’m staying as long as he’ll have me. ---
**Author:** ![Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/f04885/32.png) [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qin_Shi_Huangdi)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/69 "2010-10-28T03:45:39Z")
Why not? Marriage shouldn’t be dissolved by our primitive apelike desires for physical satisfaction. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/70 "2010-10-28T03:50:51Z")
> [@Askance](#): > > …that should be enough for him. He needs to man up and have a come-to-jesus conversation with her; or man up and leave. It’s not even about the sex – no one has the right to decide what another person needs and wants. Doing so is _especially_ egregious in the context of a relationship. Wow. Just… wow. > [@jsgoddess](#): > > A brothel isn’t cheating? And there’s this, too. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/71 "2010-10-28T04:05:26Z")
> [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > Well, he snapped out of it when I found out he had set-up and was philandering with a Panamanian prostitute. :mad::mad::mad: Wow. But I _have_ to ask…how did you know she was Panamanian? And to those with sexless marriages…you have my sympathies. Are any of you happy? Do you get your happiness elsewhere? Would you have married your spouse knowing what conditions would be like down the road? > [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](#): > > Why not? Marriage shouldn’t be dissolved by our primitive apelike desires for physical satisfaction. Marriage is a relatively new institution. People have been bumping uglies since man and woman came around. Nobody should be ashamed of their bodies or their desires. For centuries women have had to pretend to be less interested than men in sex, have been pressured by society to hold out on them, to use sex as a weapon and a tool for bartering. Your lame attempt to roll back the clock by chastising people to stay in their sexless marriages and relationships, condemning their desires and needs must stop. Idiot. ---
**Author:** ![Gleena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b3f665/32.png) [@Gleena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gleena)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/72 "2010-10-28T04:25:22Z")
Yeah, I was outta there. Lack of sex was a symptom of a larger problem (and to be fair, I left mostly due to the larger problems.) But no, not gonna live without it ever again. And hey, to be fair, in my current happy marriage, I go through times of high stress where I’m not as interested, but I make sure he’s…er…taken care of. And sometimes that leads to happy fun times for both of us, because I get into it, and sometimes he’s just happy and I’m happy for him to be happy. Cause with school and work (for us both, law for me and MBA for him) and a child and two dogs and three cats and a house and a yard and things to be done I sometimes just go, you know what? Nah, I just wanna sleep. But he doesn’t. And sometimes I make sure he gets what he needs, even if it isn’t what I need right that second. ---
**Author:** ![Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fried_Dough_Ho)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/73 "2010-10-28T04:47:19Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Wow. But I _have_ to ask…how did you know she was Panamanian? We had extensive business holdings in Panama and for the first year-and-a-half of our relationship, flying together to Panama multiple times. When the sex stopped and the relationship started to deteriorate, we started traveling separately. I was fed lines like, “both my parents and grandparents marriages were destroyed by infidelity and it scarred me terribly so it is something I WOULD NEVER DO.” Because of our business, we had mutual access to each others’ business emails and when he failed to return some prostitute’s phone call, she emailed him and I saw the message. Pretty stupid to have handed her a business card, huh? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/74 "2010-10-28T05:06:45Z")
> [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](#): > > Why not? Marriage shouldn’t be dissolved by our primitive apelike desires for physical satisfaction. Hey, show some respect for those apelike desires - they’re the reason that we’re all here. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/75 "2010-10-28T05:25:32Z")
> [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > We had extensive business holdings in Panama and for the first year-and-a-half of our relationship, flying together to Panama multiple times. > > When the sex stopped and the relationship started to deteriorate, we started traveling separately. I was fed lines like, “both my parents and grandparents marriages were destroyed by infidelity and it scarred me terribly so it is something I WOULD NEVER DO.” > > Because of our business, we had mutual access to each others’ business emails and when he failed to return some prostitute’s phone call, she emailed him and I saw the message. Pretty stupid to have handed her a business card, huh? Wow. I honestly have to say you might be the single most interesting person on the dope. Your stories (sometimes heartbreaking) are always so…well, interesting! You have a very intriguing life, I hope you continue sharing stories. I mean, today the wildest thing I did was eat a cobb salad. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/76 "2010-10-28T05:33:29Z")
[QUOTE=Kaio] [QUOTE=Askance] …that should be enough for him. [/QUOTE] He needs to man up and have a come-to-jesus conversation with her; or man up and leave. It’s not even about the sex – no one has the right to decide what another person needs and wants. Doing so is especially egregious in the context of a relationship. Wow. Just… wow. [/quote] Well as I said he wants to remain in the relationship, if only there was a way to get past this sex thing. I like both parties very much, I’d hate to see them break up. I saw the options as: [ol] [li]carry on as is[/li][li]leave[/li][li]cheat without her knowledge[/li][li]cheat with her knowledge (or at least, have that conversation)[/li][li]the brothel option[/li][/ol] I just saw #5 as the lesser evil, given #1 wasn’t an option by his account. #3 and #4 would likely have amounted to #2. > [@](#): > > [QUOTE=jsgoddess] > A brothel isn’t cheating? And there’s this, too. [/QUOTE] No, I don’t believe it is in this context, or I wouldn’t have suggested it. While it’s clearly being physically unfaithful it at least preserves emotional fidelity. Sleeping with some random woman he meets somewhere carries the possibility, I’d say likelihood, of feelings developing on one or both sides. ---
**Author:** ![Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fried_Dough_Ho)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/77 "2010-10-28T05:53:03Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Wow. I honestly have to say you might be the single most interesting person on the dope. Your stories (sometimes heartbreaking) are always so…well, interesting! You have a very intriguing life, I hope you continue sharing stories. > > I mean, today the wildest thing I did was eat a cobb salad. Well, thank you! I appreciate that – although I have found some incredibly interesting people here and I feel far from special in that regard. Shall I tell you that I hiked ten miles along the San Francisco coastline today, finishing up with a lovely lunch at a chef’s table where I watched some pigs heads being sawed open by the sous chef? It was great fun, actually! ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/78 "2010-10-28T06:53:27Z")
Eh, if the marriage seemed otherwise worthy to me I’d keep trying to find solutions. I say solutions and not solution because there could (and I think probably would) be more than one cause. In one case I’m familiar with, the solutions involved such things as him having a stash of porn that she didn’t know about (and as far as I know, doesn’t), some sex ed (her knowledgeability was seriously lacking, and being a woman of very narrow views and very little imagination didn’t help), acomodations with regards to hours (he’s a morning person, she’s a night owl), and eventually the decision on her part that she was ready and willing to have children (she finally relaxed during sex/sex attempts for the first time in their marriage). And that’s only the parts I know about. If the marriage didn’t otherwise seem worthy, that’s what divorce is for. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/79 "2010-10-28T07:18:03Z")
> [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](#): > > Why not? Marriage shouldn’t be dissolved by our primitive apelike desires for physical satisfaction. All or most of the purposes of marriage are “primitive apelike” ones. People marry for affection or sex or having children; not because they want to design computer chips together. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 7:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/80 "2010-10-28T07:29:10Z")
> [@Askance](#): > > Well as I said he wants to remain in the relationship, if only there was a way to get past this sex thing. I like both parties very much, I’d hate to see them break up. I saw the options as: > [ol] > [li]carry on as is[/li][li]leave[/li][li]cheat without her knowledge[/li][li]cheat with her knowledge (or at least, have that conversation)[/li][li]the brothel option[/li][/ol] or 6. Talk to her about what he needs and how his needs exist – and he has a right to have them – whether she wishes to believe in them or not. It’s possible she might be willing to work with him on things. If she’s unwilling… well why does he want to stay, again? With a partner who completely disregards his needs? > [@](#): > > Sleeping with some random woman he meets somewhere carries the possibility, I’d say likelihood, of feelings developing on one or both sides. People have been known to fall in love with prostitutes. Obviously you can’t make him do anything. But a brothel, at best, will delay the inevitable trainwreck, and likely will make it a lot more explosive at the end. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551.md?page=5)