# Sexless Marriage- what do you do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 27, 2010, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551 "2010-10-27T17:12:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/81 "2010-10-28T07:34:18Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Huh. Frankly, the mere thought of having sex while not on birth control (ETA: and not trying to make a baby) makes me almost totally uninterested. But that is extremely strange that none of them have ever been on BC. Have their spouses/partners ever asked them to? Perhaps the spontaneity factor is missing? Not taking birth control \<\> not being on birth control. I’ve never taken birth control but I’ve used birth control methods, just not hormonal ones because of a bad family history with hormone pills. ---
**Author:** ![ptr2void](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ptr2void/32/3406_2.png) [@ptr2void](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ptr2void)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/82 "2010-10-28T10:41:35Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > Her medical condition is one that makes it so she can’t kiss or cuddle with her husband? I’m not being snarky, it’s entirely possible it does, I’m just checking. I understand what you’re saying and don’t take it as snarky at all. It’s obviously complicated, and I guess the reality is that the medical condition is just an overlay of a fairly non-functional marriage. A marriage which I’ve chosen to remain in to this point because she needs someone to take care of her. And yes, I _am_ in therapy…much to her chagrin I might add 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/83 "2010-10-28T11:35:22Z")
> [@SSG\_Schwartz](#): > > She does try, about 3-4 times a year, to have sex with me. And I appreciate the times that she tries. It’s been this way throughout most of our 12 year marriage. So, maybe it is my fault with putting up with it for so long. If I try to talk about it with her, I get something like, I’m sorry, I will try more often, but it stays the same. A large portion of my early marriage was like this. My response to it was to discover that ‘frequent awesome sex’ isn’t the highly rated must-have (for me) that other people claim it to be. What’s more important is to determine if the low libido has a _cause_ and can that cause be addressed. Do you really love her? Then part of that love should be helping a person develop, improve, and become a person more comfortable in their skin. That goes for the one with zero libido, too, BTW. My wife had some pretty specific hang-ups about self-image that compounded the disaster that birth control made of her libido. We went through a pretty rough stretch where she was hanging out at the wrong times with the wrong people. The root cause? She was unhappy, and was searching for ANYTHING that would MAKE her happy. The end sure? Medication and Therapy. Both. For both her and me (I had my own burden to bear) That ‘for sickness and in health, for better or for worse’? Yeah, remember that? ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/84 "2010-10-28T11:40:07Z")
Am I 80 or 40? There’s a big difference, you know. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/85 "2010-10-28T12:27:59Z")
I consider sex non-essential, but certainly supplemental, to happiness. We’ve had long dry spells, when old issues became bad habit, and now we’re both just really, really busy and struggling to make it a priority. I get that some people need it. I don’t. I would never leave someone over something that is so trivial to my sense of fulfillment in life. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/86 "2010-10-28T12:34:48Z")
Eh, speaking purely hypothetically 😉 I’m for sitting tight. There’s no entitlement to sex in marriage, whereas there’s plenty of entitlement to fidelity even if it amounts to a licence to play Dog-in-the-Manger indefinitely. The uncertain hope of stumbling across a woman who might be more into it is a poor balance for the certain disruption that would be caused bailing out on the marriage. As for cheating, even if I had the free time I certainly wouldn’t expect any woman to be happy just providing sex, even on the understanding that she wanted her ashes hauled as badly as I did. So I’d just find something to divert myself with and wait for dwindling testosterone and years of disappointment to grind the remnants of my sex drive into the dust. Hypothetically. As to staying horny after marriage, **Diosa** , more power to you. Just remember it wasn’t just cynical misogynist old me that said different, it was your own married contemporaries. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/87 "2010-10-28T13:07:55Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > I mean, today the wildest thing I did was eat a cobb salad. Are you kidding me? If I weren’t single, I’d totally cheat with you. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/88 "2010-10-28T13:45:40Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Marriage is a relatively new institution. People have been bumping uglies since man and woman came around. Give or take four billion years. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/89 "2010-10-28T13:56:32Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Give or take four billion years. _People_ aren’t 4 billion years old. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/90 "2010-10-28T13:59:09Z")
Have you SEEN Larry King? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/91 "2010-10-28T14:00:29Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > _People_ aren’t 4 billion years old. True, but it’s not like humans invented sex. We merely inherited it. And I’m pretty sure Larry King didn’t invent it. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/92 "2010-10-28T14:34:01Z")
> [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](#): > > Why not? Marriage shouldn’t be dissolved by our primitive apelike desires for physical satisfaction. Sex is important. According to my ex-faith, the human desire for sex is a mirror image of the human spirit’s desire to bond with God. Two become One through the power of the Holy Spirit; 3 seperate entities all bond completely through Love. Calling the sexual instinct primitive and ape-like, while no insult (as animals share an aspect of human nature), falls quite short of the mark. While the Catholic tradition might have been quite physical/sex-hating in the past, at least in THEORY today, it is quite sex affirming (albeit in a quite limited fashion). Long story short, while Christianity and Sex today definitely have their differences, at the very least you must acknowledge that in either belief system, sex is not merely a primitive apelike desire. It is a complicated, multi-faceted, beautiful action. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/93 "2010-10-28T14:39:21Z")
People, are you all forgetting that **Qui Dong** whoever is **Curtis LeMay**? If so, may this serve as a reminder. Also, linds, is your mother’s name really Luciille? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/94 "2010-10-28T14:40:15Z")
I voted “leave”. I probably would try to address it in every way possible, up to and including the possibility of asking him if he minded if I went outside the relationship. I’m no nympho, but I enjoy sex. I think that it’s one of our greatest joys in this world, and I hate-hate-hate that so many religious people seem to preach against it. I’m looking directly at you, Qin Shi. If your God truly was real, then he gave us this pleasure and why not enjoy it? As for the thirties thing, I have indeed seen a significant difference in myself in my thirties, but I find it stems a lot more from self-confidence than any magical button. I don’t really care that my family thinks sex is atrocious, or that other girls think it’s just a necessity and a chore. I never talk about sex IRL and certainly not MY own sex life. I have a theory on this, too - the quiet, serious ones are the firecrackers in bed. And as for the sex-after-marriage thing, that is totally a fault of one or both of the participants. You might not be with the one you love, but you can love the one you’re with. But that means constant work on both sides - which is why I said “one or both”. Sometimes it is indeed just one person. I have often said I believe people think that love will always be the first blush of romance and violins and flowers. Maybe because our relationship didn’t start like that - we started as friends, then as friends-with-benefits, ours is thirteen years old and still going strong. We’re not married, but I can’t see the things we do to maintain our relationship suddenly disappearing after marriage. To maintain an active sex life, you have to do just that - maintain an active sex life. Even if you’re not aroused all the time! The more time you let it go the more uninteresting it gets, IMO. You simply must keep the pump primed, so to speak. And I do have a hard time seeing what marriage is for without sex - it’s not the only thing in a marriage of course, but it’s the only thing you’re “supposed” to do with your spouse and no one else. If I wanted a roomie I’d get one. Last thing - I by no means speak for everyone, I hope that’s apparent. On the same token, though, I’m pretty sure my human experience is not special and thus many many people think and feel the same way. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/95 "2010-10-28T14:41:46Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > People, are you all forgetting that **Qui Dong** whoever is **Curtis LeMay**? If so, may this serve as a reminder. Also, linds, is your mother’s name really Luciille? :dubious: I didn’t forget. As an ex-Catholic I just felt like arguing against somebody whom I might have a slight fridgin (fraction+smidgen) of reaching. In other news: you, tdn, DioBella, and JsGoddess are hereby voted Thread AllStars by me. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/96 "2010-10-28T14:57:14Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Wow. I honestly have to say you might be the single most interesting person on the dope. Your stories (sometimes heartbreaking) are always so…well, interesting! You have a very intriguing life, I hope you continue sharing stories. > > I mean, today the wildest thing I did was eat a cobb salad. Slow down there, crazy lady. Take it easy. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/97 "2010-10-28T15:10:29Z")
I hate to say it, but if ALL else fails I’d have to say cheat. If your spouse withholds for months or years, how can they begrudge you what they are not willing to participate in? In a perfect world, cheat with their blessing, but you know how fragile that would be. ---
**Author:** ![Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fried_Dough_Ho)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/98 "2010-10-28T15:16:03Z")
> [@control-z](#): > > I hate to say it, but if ALL else fails I’d have to say cheat. If your spouse withholds for months or years, how can they begrudge you what they are not willing to participate in? In a perfect world, cheat with their blessing, but you know how fragile that would be. Do you tell the spouse you are going to go outside the relationship for sex beforehand? If they are begrudging you sex are you also going to compound the situation by begrudging that person the option of staying in a relationship where infidelity is part of the scenario? ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/99 "2010-10-28T15:21:14Z")
The thing that separates my spouse from others is the fact that they are my lover. If they have stopped being my lover, why would I keep them as my spouse? ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/100 "2010-10-28T15:31:55Z")
In my opinion, cheating should never be an option. You married this person for better or for worse. Now things have turned for the worse, and communication should commence. If you feel sex is worth dissolving the marriage (as I myself might), then so be it. That doesn’t legitimize cheating. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551.md?page=6)