# Sexless Marriage- what do you do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 27, 2010, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551 "2010-10-27T17:12:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/121 "2010-10-28T20:12:48Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I will never understand why some people get married who cannot talk to their spouses about sex and expectations about it. People is weird. Agreed. If you can’t talk about something that’s so foundational to the relationship, how can you be in the relationship? That’s just basic, Relationship 101 stuff. And if you try to bring it up (or any other serious issue, really) and you really _can’t_ talk to your spouse about it, because they refuse/shut you down, then the relationship is well on its way to dying, anyway. If you try, and can’t, fix it (and you can’t by yourself, the spouse needs to actively participate), then just put the poor relationship out of its misery, already. Personally, if it got to that point, I wouldn’t stay together “for the kids,” either. If things are that bad, the kids will know, and instead of benefiting the kids with a stable, loving home, you’ll be modeling a severely dysfunctional relationship to them. That’s the only romantic relationship they’ll get to see from the inside before they go off and have their own – you’d basically be setting them up to have lousy screwed-up relationship problems of their own in the future. A bad relationship model is way more powerful than you think. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/122 "2010-10-28T20:12:54Z")
> [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](#): > > Why not? Marriage shouldn’t be dissolved by our primitive apelike desires for physical satisfaction. \ Don’t criticize what you can’t understand. \ ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/123 "2010-10-28T20:15:58Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I agree as well. Well, it’s not the _only_ thing that separates the relationships, but it’s one of the main things. And it can be a bit of a canary in the coal mine, so to speak. > > I will never understand why some people get married who cannot talk to their spouses about sex and expectations about it. People is weird. Maybe they were brought up thinking sex is dirty? Maybe they think that the language you have to use to discuss it is basically improper? Maybe they are scared that they are going to be told they are doing it wrong? Couples don’t talk about money, either. They is weird. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/124 "2010-10-28T20:16:47Z")
> [@StusBlues](#): > > …Without sex (or children, which are kinda connected), what makes a spouse different from your buddy from 'Nam? I suppose that depends on your platoon. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/125 "2010-10-28T20:18:02Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > Maybe they were brought up thinking sex is dirty? Maybe they think that the language you have to use to discuss it is basically improper? Maybe they are scared that they are going to be told they are doing it wrong? > > Couples don’t talk about money, either. They is weird. But just because people do it, doesn’t mean it’s healthy. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/126 "2010-10-28T20:20:32Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Am I 80 or 40? There’s a big difference, you know. Yeah, it is better at 40. Actually it is better when the last kid leaves the house for college. ---
**Author:** ![SlowMindThinking](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@SlowMindThinking](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlowMindThinking)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/127 "2010-10-28T20:23:06Z")
Those who say they can’t understand why someone would stay, but cheat, write like most cheaters decide, “I’m going to cheat”. They don’t. I haven’t known many people who’ve cheated, or rather I haven’t known that someone has cheated very often, certainly I’ve known far fewer people were cheaters or cheated on, than people those who were divorced, but I can tell you what I have noticed. (Bear in mind, I’m a guy, and so I know mostly know the tales of 30 to 50 year old men.) There are a lot of men in that age range who feel trapped in a sexless marriage. For whatever reason, their wife doesn’t want it nearly as often as they do. (I could name two or three guys who’ve gone more than a year w/o any. Yes, I’m sure this happens to women, too. Fewer women than men confide in me. I only know one woman who faced this, and at least a half dozen guys, more likely more than a dozen. A counselor friend of mine has told me it is more common than one likes to think.) Doesn’t really matter why, but no one is so bad in bed that someone who loves them won’t do it on occasion. The man feels unloved. It’s a relationship, so probably both share the blame, and maybe he’s not getting any because she feels unloved, but the fact remains: he’s not getting any and feels unloved. Often, they go through counseling. I’ve known a couple of cases where that changed everything. Often, they divorce, especially if her low libido is just a low libido for him. (I even knew one guy whose ex said during the divorce proceedings that she didn’t like men. That certainly explained the lack of sex, but why was she so bitterly angry about the divorce?) But sometimes, the man feels he can’t leave. The most common reason amongst the guys I’ve talked to is the man still wants to live with his kids. Second is not being able to afford a divorce. Third is guilt because their partner is otherwise a good person, or because of their religious beliefs. As time goes by, he chances upon member of his preferred gender who becomes a friend, or has been a friend and has secretly been crushing on them. Then a good friend. Then a confidante. Talk turns to hugs. One day they kiss, and boom, penis ensues. Or, he goes on a trip, or she does. Perhaps he has a too much to drink, and penis ensues. Perhaps just someone being interested leads to penis ensuing. I don’t believe many people say to themselves, “Well, I’m not getting any at home, so I’ll cheat.” It is only afterwards that the justification starts. Di, don’t be surprised if your friends’ husbands aren’t miserable, and a few aren’t cheating. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/128 "2010-10-28T20:24:21Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > But just because people do it, doesn’t mean it’s healthy. It is definitely not healthy. We are lucky in having good parents. My wife’s mother told her that she didn’t get married to wash the dishes, and my mother sometimes made dirty jokes - after I was old enough to get them. We’re coming up on 40 years of being together, so don’t let anyone tell you it has to get bad. If there is a post-honeymoon let down, it is 32 years late for us. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/129 "2010-10-28T20:45:28Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > I can - not from personal experience, I might add. If one partner is rejected - and I assume that they’ve talked about it - he or she may feel not very worthwhile as a sexual being. An affair can give that kind of reenforcement, and this might be more important in the long run than the sex. > I can imagine a person not leaving for fear that no one would ever be interested in him or her again, since there must be something wrong to have turned off the person he or she married. This might be enough to not go through the hassle of divorce. This makes total sense. Unfortunately, it’s acting 100% out of fear and insecurity and is all kinds of unhealthy. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/130 "2010-10-28T20:55:36Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > Maybe they were brought up thinking sex is dirty? Then maybe they ought to keep their nasty, dirty body parts to themselves. Instead, they seem to think having sex is okay but talking about it isn’t. And that’s nuts. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/131 "2010-10-28T20:59:21Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > I suppose that depends on your platoon. Yeah, I saw that coming. And **Qin** , my apelike desires for things like sex, food, and shelter are pretty much the main things that keep me going. That’s life. ---
**Author:** ![Gleena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b3f665/32.png) [@Gleena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gleena)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/132 "2010-10-28T22:23:25Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > I can imagine a person not leaving for fear that no one would ever be interested in him or her again, since there must be something wrong to have turned off the person he or she married. This might be enough to not go through the hassle of divorce. This is why I stayed married for years longer than I should have. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/133 "2010-10-28T22:24:02Z")
> [@rogerbox](#): > > What? Why wouldn’t there be? I ask this seriously as someone with plans to get married in the near future. To me saying there is no entitlement to sex in marriage as saying there is no entitlement to emotional support, no entitlement to kindness, no entitlement to love etc. > > Are we not entitled to all those things in a marriage? If so, why is sex different? _shrug_ I’ve seen plenty of hard words aimed at men who go around thinking they’re “entitled” to sex under any circumstances whatever, marriage or no. If you crave enlightenment, I’m sure someone will be along to provide same. ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/134 "2010-10-28T22:30:15Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > Yeah, this certainly is an aspect there, I won’t lie. My friends _regularly_ tell me: Oh, Diosa, just wait until you’re married, then you’ll see. You wont want to do it EVER. Oh God, then once you have kids. . . it’s like, why would you even want to? You just want to lay there and let him get it over with. > > Not once in the almost 10 years I’ve been sexually active has there ever been a time I haven’t wanted sex. My understanding is that women are supposed to get even more sexual as they hit their 30s. I mean, I guess I wont understand until I’m there myself, but it’s just odd for these blanket proclamations to be made about my sexual future, because that’s how “all” women are. And this apparently generally accepted truism sure makes me understand why it seems like so many men are willing to cheat…eesh. I don’t think I, having a normal drive, could have enough in common with someone with such a low sex drive to be good friends… ---
**Author:** ![rogerbox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/76d3ee/32.png) [@rogerbox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rogerbox)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/135 "2010-10-28T22:44:36Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > _shrug_ I’ve seen plenty of hard words aimed at men who go around thinking they’re “entitled” to sex under any circumstances whatever, marriage or no. If you crave enlightenment, I’m sure someone will be along to provide same. I’d like to hear it, because someone saying you’re not entitled to sex in a marriage is like saying you have no right to fresh water… it’s just a strange, incomprehensible position to me. I suspect we might be getting hung up on either the definition of entitled, or the scenario in the OP. I don’t think a spouse has to please a spouse anytime anywhere by any means, but no obligation, ever? That’s just alien to me. No one ever claims a spouse is not entitled to emotional intimacy, and i don’t see a difference with physical intimacy. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/136 "2010-10-28T23:35:25Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > This makes total sense. Unfortunately, it’s acting 100% out of fear and insecurity and is all kinds of unhealthy. Of course it is. Most of the stuff we’re talking about in this thread is nuts and unhealthy. Pure physical release is easy, the emotional aspect doesn’t get satisfied by yourself. I wonder if no sex goes along with no emotional intimacy also. I’d suspect it does. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Woo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7c8e57/32.png) [@Dr.Woo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Woo)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/137 "2010-10-28T23:42:32Z")
I voted “other”: I have chosen to simply ignore the situation because I hate confrontation and drama. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Woo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7c8e57/32.png) [@Dr.Woo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Woo)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2010, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/138 "2010-10-28T23:54:07Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > Preach. > > Though this brings up something else I’ve considered- of my friends that are in these sexless marriages, perhaps their partner is just a shitty lay. Maybe that’s part of it. Who knows. Presumably, though, that person was a shitty lay before their wedding day, too-- so that doesn’t really make sense either. I suspect that your friends wouldn’t so much mind having sex, but they just don’t want to do it with their husbands. And not really because the husbands are bad lays, but because they’re bored or whatever. Familiarity breeds contempt. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/139 "2010-10-29T00:11:12Z")
It’s funny what two people can get used to. I’ve known couples that are loveless, don’t live together, won’t get divorced…I’ve know others that are bunnies many decades into their marriage, I’ve also known couples where the wife goes on a one week bender to vegas to get her rocks off…the husband endorses it…their relationship works for them. I’ve also known couples that are VERY OBVIOUSLY unhappy with each other, but refuse to actually make the steps necessary to end the marriage. So, what are ya gonna do? ---
**Author:** ![Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/f04885/32.png) [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qin_Shi_Huangdi)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/140 "2010-10-29T00:14:49Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Wow. But I _have_ to ask…how did you know she was Panamanian? > > And to those with sexless marriages…you have my sympathies. Are any of you happy? Do you get your happiness elsewhere? Would you have married your spouse knowing what conditions would be like down the road? > > Marriage is a relatively new institution. People have been bumping uglies since man and woman came around. Nobody should be ashamed of their bodies or their desires. For centuries women have had to pretend to be less interested than men in sex, have been pressured by society to hold out on them, to use sex as a weapon and a tool for bartering. Your lame attempt to roll back the clock by chastising people to stay in their sexless marriages and relationships, condemning their desires and needs must stop. > > Idiot. > [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > All or most of the purposes of marriage are “primitive apelike” ones. People marry for affection or sex or having children; not because they want to design computer chips together. Sexual desire is different from romantic love. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551.md?page=8)