# Sexless Marriage- what do you do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 27, 2010, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551 "2010-10-27T17:12:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![tygre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c4cdca/32.png) [@tygre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tygre)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/141 "2010-10-29T00:47:16Z")
Lack of sex was one of the primary reasons my first marriage ended. Not the only reason, but probably one of the largest ones. I had (and still have) a fairly high sex drive. He on the other hand …did not. The final end came when he asked if we could just quit having sex (which never was very good, but I will spare the gory details) altogether. I was 28 at the time and the idea of another 50 or 60 sex-free years just wasn’t happening. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/142 "2010-10-29T01:10:49Z")
It very much depends on the situation. My S/O developed a heart problem that required the docs to put him on blood thinners. You can guess the result of that. When the heart problem went away, his parts never really got back to working order and the drugs that are easily prescribed in the U.S. are incredibly expensive in the U.K. We had a fantastic sex life before all this happened. He is still a wonderful person. And now, I’ve hit menopause and depression. Do I dump him because our sex life has devolved to kisses and cuddles? I don’t think so. For me, love and friendship count for more than sex. He’s not a broken dildo. He’s a human. And a good one. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/143 "2010-10-29T01:24:42Z")
> [@carnut](#): > > It very much depends on the situation. My S/O developed a heart problem that required the docs to put him on blood thinners. You can guess the result of that. When the heart problem went away, his parts never really got back to working order and the drugs that are easily prescribed in the U.S. are incredibly expensive in the U.K. > > We had a fantastic sex life before all this happened. He is still a wonderful person. And now, I’ve hit menopause and depression. Do I dump him because our sex life has devolved to kisses and cuddles? I don’t think so. For me, love and friendship count for more than sex. He’s not a broken dildo. He’s a human. And a good one. The OP rules out most big physical stuff. I agree that physical stuff changes things. Physical disability can change every single aspect of a marriage. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/144 "2010-10-29T02:19:28Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Not taking birth control \<\> not being on birth control. > > I’ve never taken birth control but I’ve used birth control methods, just not hormonal ones because of a bad family history with hormone pills. Hey, if you have a family history that makes perfect sense. My family history is this: Mom and Dad get married after a 5 year engagement. Mom goes off pill in month 3; doctor advises her she will get pregnant in “several months”, once the medication has worn off after years. Mom gets pregnant in _first_ sexual encounter with my father, less than one WEEK off the pill. Mom then pregnant with me while living apart from my dad for 3 months. So not taking birth control, for me, is like waving a great big “Come Impregnate Me!” sign. > [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > Well, thank you! I appreciate that – although I have found some incredibly interesting people here and I feel far from special in that regard. > > Shall I tell you that I hiked ten miles along the San Francisco coastline today, finishing up with a lovely lunch at a chef’s table where I watched some pigs heads being sawed open by the sous chef? It was great fun, actually! Okay, the hike and chef’s table sounds way more like my own real (boring but fun) life 😛 > [@tdn](#): > > Give or take four billion years. If you’re referring to marriage, I did not know that. If you’re referring to the evolution of man, today, on conservative talk radio in my coworker’s office, I overheard the host explaining that “liberals think we come from pond scum”. By which he meant evolution. > [@MeanOldLady](#): > > People, are you all forgetting that **Qui Dong** whoever is **Curtis LeMay**? If so, may this serve as a reminder. Wait, REALLY? Maaaaaaan. This thread just got a whole lot less fun. > [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Slow down there, crazy lady. Take it easy. I lived on the edge by having it with vinaigrette. > [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Also, linds, is your mother’s name really Luciille? :dubious: Nah, she’s not. I thought someone might see it and think I made a funny. ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/145 "2010-10-29T03:25:54Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Wow. But I _have_ to ask…how did you know she was Panamanian? > > And to those with sexless marriages…you have my sympathies. Are any of you happy? Do you get your happiness elsewhere? Would you have married your spouse knowing what conditions would be like down the road? > > Marriage is a relatively new institution. People have been bumping uglies since man and woman came around. Nobody should be ashamed of their bodies or their desires. For centuries women have had to pretend to be less interested than men in sex, have been pressured by society to hold out on them, to use sex as a weapon and a tool for bartering. Your lame attempt to roll back the clock by chastising people to stay in their sexless marriages and relationships, condemning their desires and needs must stop. > > **Idiot**. (Bolding mine) **Moderator Note** : You’re entitled to your opinion, but it is against the rules to issue personal insults in this forum. Don’t do this again. For the Straight Dope, **Spectre of Pithecanthropus** ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/146 "2010-10-29T03:30:27Z")
In all honesty I would probably leave. This wouldn’t prevent me from loving him, but I need a relationship that’s comprehensive, and sex is an important part of a fulfilled life. Actually, my partner is so devoted to my well-being that he would encourage me to leave and find happiness with someone else. But damn, having to make that decision would tear me apart inside. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/147 "2010-10-29T03:45:05Z")
> [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > Concur. > > My last relationship was sexless for the last 18 months. He kept swearing up and down that it was just a phase and that he’d snap out of it. > > Well, he snapped out of it when I found out he had set-up and was philandering with a Panamanian prostitute. :mad::mad::mad: > [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > We had extensive business holdings in Panama and for the first year-and-a-half of our relationship, flying together to Panama multiple times. > > When the sex stopped and the relationship started to deteriorate, we started traveling separately. I was fed lines like, “both my parents and grandparents marriages were destroyed by infidelity and it scarred me terribly so it is something I WOULD NEVER DO.” > > Because of our business, we had mutual access to each others’ business emails and when he failed to return some prostitute’s phone call, she emailed him and I saw the message. Pretty stupid to have handed her a business card, huh? **Fried Dough Ho** , Just out of curiosity - you’ve also in the past said that your relationship with your husband ended when you found him having sex with two other men, which explained his drop in libido. [Cite.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=13069771&postcount=22) Not meaning to derail or anything, but the two scenarios seem contradictory. Can you clarify for me? –MtO ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/148 "2010-10-29T04:52:04Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Wait, REALLY? > > Maaaaaaan. This thread just got a whole lot less fun. Yeah, I had no idea. Well, I’m not sure I’m going to take sex or relationship advice from a child, but maybe I’m a dick. I suppose that explains his position though. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/149 "2010-10-29T05:33:42Z")
The real-world answer for me (happened not that terribly long ago, although not an official Marriage but a 12 year exclusive relationship) was more complicated than any of your poll answers, so I didn’t answer the poll. • a factor in the breakup was me realizing I was OH so ripe for the picking; and I didn’t want to have sex with someone else _and then_ tell her. Certainly didn’t want to fall into an affair and then tell her. • a big factor was the lack of hugs and physical affection and verbal expressions of affection. I came close to checking the box for “I stay… sex is important but love is more so” because I did stay for a long time, but I also eventually _didn’t_ stay. I won’t swear I would have stayed forever if there had been hugs and cuddling and verbally affectionate things said in sufficient quantities but no sex; but I would have stayed a lot longer • there were some arcane and abstract forms of love, the absence of which became a big issue. I write stuff, personal material turned into social theory, and it matters to me that I be taken seriously and something happened to make me aware that she thought I was just trying to be “interesting” or even “shocking” and that the content was something she could dismiss and ignore. • reciprocally, for her, before we became sexless she had an issue with the lack of imagination, not enough innovation and different positions and role play and fantasy fulfillment; and she also had in mind that there should be shared planning for the future, that a good relationship “builds” with a sense of what the couple wants to be doing 5 and 10 years from now, etc; she didn’t break up with me over these but could have, they were pretty strong issues for her. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/150 "2010-10-29T05:37:47Z")
> [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](#): > > Why not? Marriage shouldn’t be dissolved by our primitive apelike desires for physical satisfaction. This from someone who considers _masturbation_ a sin. ---
**Author:** ![Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fried_Dough_Ho)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/151 "2010-10-29T05:57:49Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > **Fried Dough Ho** , > > Just out of curiosity - you’ve also in the past said that your relationship with your husband ended when you found him having sex with two other men, which explained his drop in libido. [Cite.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=13069771&postcount=22) > > Not meaning to derail or anything, but the two scenarios seem contradictory. Can you clarify for me? > > –MtO They are two different men. I was married when I was 20 and divorced when I was 25. That was over twenty years ago. The guy who cheated with prostitutes was my last relationship which ended 2 1/2 years ago. I’ve been single ever since. I have had a total of four long-term relationships and there are another two guys in between those two. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/152 "2010-10-29T07:02:18Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > In general, I think a man’s drive never goes to zero. If he’s not having sex with his wife, he is either cheating or masturbating. He is finding ways to satisfy that need. > > In contrast, I think a woman’s drive can go to zero. She’s not having sex with anyone nor masturbating. She truly has no desire for sex. I’ve mentioned before how in my parents’ case it was him who put the stopper on it. She’d always had a higher libido, was bedridden for close to two years, during which time his libido had gotten even lower (due to a combo of depression and lack of usage), he did not masturbate, and when she got better but couldn’t take french kissing or the missionary any more, he refused to partake in what he called “mutual masturbation”. My grandparents stopped in their late 80s rather than their 40s, but again she was permanently horny (still is) and he’d moved from permahorny to occasional bouts of “damn, woman, you do have great tits” (died in August). It is not always the woman who has the lower libido. I’ll concede “in general” but please let us keep in mind that “in general” does not mean “always”. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/153 "2010-10-29T07:15:09Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Hey, if you have a family history that makes perfect sense. My family history is this: Mom and Dad get married after a 5 year engagement. Mom goes off pill in month 3; doctor advises her she will get pregnant in “several months”, once the medication has worn off after years. Mom gets pregnant in _first_ sexual encounter with my father, less than one WEEK off the pill. Mom then pregnant with me while living apart from my dad for 3 months. **lindsay** , let me respell: The Pill is not the only kind of BC. I agree that people having intercourse with no BC at all and no desire to make a shared baby are complete idiots, but choosing a different BC method than The Pill is not an “impregnate me” sign. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/154 "2010-10-29T07:17:38Z")
> [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > They are two different men. I was married when I was 20 and divorced when I was 25. That was over twenty years ago. The guy who cheated with prostitutes was my last relationship which ended 2 1/2 years ago. > > I’ve been single ever since. I have had a total of four long-term relationships and there are another two guys in between those two. Righteous. Just making sure I had my mental narratives straight on various board members. Carry on. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/155 "2010-10-29T11:18:50Z")
🙂 [quote=“DiosaBellissima, post:14, topic:558551”] Yeah, this certainly is an aspect there, I won’t lie. My friends _regularly_ tell me: Oh, Diosa, just wait until you’re married, then you’ll see. You wont want to do it EVER. Oh God, then once you have kids. . . it’s like, why would you even want to? You just want to lay there and let him get it over with. [\quote] So a couple of things: I assume these friends have never been that into it but I have to say: I’ve always been VERY pro sex. Three times a day swinging from the rafters sex. I had a very difficult pregnancy when I felt like crap pretty well constantly - I had NO sex drive. Not surprising - I mean if you feel like you need to hurl, and DO actually hurl multiple times a day it kind of kills the mood. Now I have a two month old and there are many times (most times) that I would rather have a nap then sex. This I expect will change once Junior sleeps for longer and the Mr and I are sleeping in the same room again (i sleep in Junior’s room to reduce SIDS risk). So, my point is I do knd of get wher your trends are coming from- when you’re feeling very unwell sex just isn’t a priority. Now, contrary to what they say, after Junior was born and things downstairs had, uh, improved (trust me - you don’t want to know) my sex drive returned somewhat. I mean, not ‘Three times a day rafter swinging’ at this point, but it’s there and it’s certainly not ‘lay ther till he finishes’. It’s more like ‘run into the living room,tell him Junior is napping and haul his butt into bed for the 15 minutes of free time we have available.’ Foreplay is somewhat optional but it’s really not an issue. Now - to the poll - assuming that everything else was good and he was still affectionate and would cuddle and kiss and hold hands - well, I would stay and play with myself a lot. At this point I can’t see depriving my son of a full time dad just because he won’t (can’t?) help me get my rocks off. Really - sex is awesome but hubby is pretty awesome even when we’re not having sex. However, if there was no afection at all I would have to leave I think. I mean, I can get my rocks off on my own just by concentrating for a few minutes and leaning against the washer during the spin cycle - I can’t cuddle myself and that would make me too dad to stay. ---
**Author:** ![Khaki\_Campbell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de053/32.png) [@Khaki\_Campbell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khaki_Campbell)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/156 "2010-10-29T11:26:09Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Indeed, one reason for lack of sex might be lack of trust …Or lack of t **h** rust 😃 ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/157 "2010-10-29T11:33:15Z")
Ugh - can everyone please ignore all the typos in my previous post - I’m on an iPhone, in the dark while sleep deprived. It’s not pretty. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/158 "2010-10-29T11:39:10Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > It is not always the woman who has the lower libido. I’ll concede “in general” but please let us keep in mind that “in general” does not mean “always”. AT which point I’ll reiterate: In a relationship that lasts decades, I predict EVERYONE will CHANGE, their libido included. It’s how that change is dealt with determines if it’s a healthy relationship or not. The problem with a dead libido is that the person affected is not the one with the dead libido, and the person with the dead libido doesn’t see that anything’s wrong. It’s like you’re stuck in a house, where there’s a high-pitched mosquito squeaking going on, and your spouse is deaf, and you just can’t find the source of the godaamn noise, and they’re oblivious because they just can’t _empathize_ with what you’re experiencing. I wish a lot of pre-marital counseling included conversations on sex. Not the ‘uber loving act aspect’, the 'odds that your libidios will mismatch over a period of time is GREAT…that doesn’t make the horndog wrong, and it doesn’t make it right that the other person flat out ignores their needs. Funny thing is, I’ve been faithful, never wandered, but when I’ve felt sexually fulfilled wandering was never even a question. It’s interesting how less attractive the world is when you’re getting your fire stoked at home. ---
**Author:** ![storyteller0910](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@storyteller0910](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/storyteller0910)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/159 "2010-10-29T13:37:34Z")
> [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](#): > > Sexual desire is different from romantic love. I’ve been married for ten years, and I can tell you with perfect certainty this: You’re absolutely wrong. I love my wife. She’s a fantastic person. Her sense of humor and mine are perfectly well-suited for one another, so we spend 80% of our lives laughing. She is a musician, and watching her play, teach, or even talk about music is an inspiration to me. She’s responsible and bright, and I respect her more as a friend and partner than anyone I’ve ever known. We have traveled together, built a home together, cooked meals, played video games, played sports, watched stupid television, and raised a six-year-old child who is the perfect reflection of her mother. There is nothing about the phrase “romantic love” that does not apply to our relationship (on most days :)). But don’t fool yourself. None of this would have happened, ever, if we hadn’t wanted to fuck one another. Sorry to be crude, especially given your sensibilities, but I think it gets the point across. Sexual desire is the foundation on which all that other stuff was built. If it stopped? We’ve already discussed that. If one partner or the other ever became unable or entirely unwilling to have sex, we’d allow for extramarital solutions. I don’t think it will happen, though, because our respective drives are both relatively modest with regard to frequency and extremely well-matched. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/160 "2010-10-29T14:48:26Z")
I think you can have one without the other, but in the adult world, they are very strongly intertwined (like you said, **storyteller** ), and that’s a good thing. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551.md?page=9)