# Sexless Marriage- what do you do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 27, 2010, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551 "2010-10-27T17:12:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fried_Dough_Ho)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/161 "2010-10-29T14:56:09Z")
I have had sexual desire without romantic love but it is illusive and short-lived. I have had romantic love that became sexless and that can ultimately be more heartbreaking. I sincerely believe women are fundamentally wired differently than men. When women have sex, it releases a chemical in the brain which has us start the bonding process which is why we are more turned on by the mental. I believe men are ultimately more physical and are able to separate a sexual act, justifying cheating more easily because “its just sex.” Granted, this is not the case with ALL men, but a generalization which I think holds true. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/162 "2010-10-29T16:14:31Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > **lindsay** , let me respell: The Pill is not the only kind of BC. I agree that people having intercourse with no BC at all and no desire to make a shared baby are complete idiots, but choosing a different BC method than The Pill is not an “impregnate me” sign. Well, my friends don’t use the pill, spermicide, condoms, or any other every day forms of birth control. I know they don’t pull out or do the rhythm method either. So, there ya go. In their married lives, it’s not that they don’t want babies- they are fine with babies, they just have never tried not to. > [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > 🙂 > Now - to the poll - assuming that everything else was good and he was still affectionate and would cuddle and kiss and hold hands - well, I would stay and play with myself a lot. At this point I can’t see depriving my son of a full time dad just because he won’t (can’t?) help me get my rocks off. Really - sex is awesome but hubby is pretty awesome even when we’re not having sex. I certainly considered this angle- if I had kids in the relationship and if that would change my answer. I think my view here is slightly colored by the fact that my parents divorced when I was four, but even then, I knew that they were happier apart. I could just tell, you know? There was less tension in the air, less hostility. Now, whether my parents got divorced over sex or not, I never want to know, BUT 😃 I think we can all agree that problems in the sexual arena are certainly likely to bleed over into other areas of the relationship. Whether we like it or not, the kids are keen to this stuff, even if they don’t know specifically what the cause is. So, for me, if it got bad enough that it was an actual problem for our relationship, I’m not sure staying together for the kids would really be that good of an idea anyway. I’d want healthy relationships-- and all of the parts of 'em-- modeled for my children. God knows I’d never want my (hypothetical, non existent future) children staying in a relationship they were unhappy with either. Of course, that’s slightly different than your post though, since you say you’d be happy enough with affection and taking care of yourself. I’m operating under the position that, for whatever reason, that ain’t enough. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2010, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/163 "2010-10-29T16:29:22Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > **lindsay** , let me respell: The Pill is not the only kind of BC. I agree that people having intercourse with no BC at all and no desire to make a shared baby are complete idiots, but choosing a different BC method than The Pill is not an “impregnate me” sign. 😕 I said for ME it was an “impregnate me” sign. I have no idea why you took offense to that. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2010, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/164 "2010-10-30T03:01:50Z")
> [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > I have had sexual desire without romantic love but it is illusive and short-lived. I have had romantic love that became sexless and that can ultimately be more heartbreaking. That pretty well sums it up for me too. I have a female friend who isn’t even interested in romantic love. She has a partner whom she gets along with rather well and a whole host of one-night-stands and short-term flings. She says she is just “scratching an itch.” It wouldn’t work for me but evidently it works for her just fine. ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/165 "2010-10-31T03:26:00Z")
> [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > I sincerely believe women are fundamentally wired differently than men. When women have sex, it releases a chemical in the brain which has us start the bonding process which is why we are more turned on by the mental. I believe men are ultimately more physical and are able to separate a sexual act, justifying cheating more easily because “its just sex.” > > Granted, this is not the case with ALL men, but a generalization which I think holds true. It may hold true, and it’s kind of weird when it doesn’t. It took my wife and I a little while to get it figured out. My brain secretes the bonding crap, and it can take me a little while to stop whatever I am doing and get in the mood for sex. My sex drive is also highly sensitive to exhaustion and stress, whereas my wife could no doubt have sex during global thermonuclear war. In the shelter, obviously. I definitely don’t think I have a low sex drive, but I definitely can’t imagine having sex three times a day. We did that for a few days while on vacation once: she was happier than ever and I could barely drive home. Never again. Stealth bragging ahead, but it’s relevant. We were walking home one night a few years ago when she told me she was thinking about us possibly going to counseling because of our lack of sex. I think she was sincerely afraid that our marriage was becoming sexless. I was under a lot of work pressure at the time so she was willing to cut me some slack, but that she might want some intervention in the future. It had been a whole week since the last time we had copulated. She is a very smart woman, and I felt quite badly afterward for laughing. We worked it out, no counseling required. That aside, I definitely wanted to add to the chorus that promises to change just aren’t credible. Things just revert to the way they were before in no time. In some ways it was hard on both of our self-esteems for obvious reasons. We now have a three month old baby. For some inexplicable reason, this has made me feel like I’m 18 again. Now that the baby is sleeping solidly through the night, this is good times. ---
**Author:** ![Terra1041](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Terra1041](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terra1041)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/166 "2010-10-31T04:04:50Z")
I’d be rejoicing, probably. I don’t have interest in having sex and can’t imagine really enjoying it. Most people’s desire for sex is the #1 thing keeping me away from a relationship currently. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/167 "2010-10-31T04:05:13Z")
After all attempts to fix the marriage (counseling, therapy, vacations, whatever can be done) and it’s still not happening… yes, I leave. I love my husband, and I want to be married to him. But part of marriage is intimacy… and part of intimacy is sex. There are times where there are dry spells. There could be times of health issues, or when life just gets in the way. But if we don’t come back to each other, there are bigger issues that just “no sex.” No sex is a symptom, not a cause. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/168 "2010-10-31T04:33:20Z")
> [@Chopper9760](#): > > While it’s certainly conceivable that I would stay in a sexless relationship and try to be supportive, my first thought is that the lack of sex indicates a fundamental, relationship-ending problem. > > Hypothetically I’ve already done my best to work it out, I’m heading for the door. This pretty much. It’s not just that sex isn’t happening, it’s what’s causing that lack of wanting to with the non-participating spouse. (woman, 51 years old here, if that matters). ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/169 "2010-10-31T04:47:01Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > Yeah, this certainly is an aspect there, I won’t lie. My friends _regularly_ tell me: Oh, Diosa, just wait until you’re married, then you’ll see. You wont want to do it EVER. Oh God, then once you have kids. . . it’s like, why would you even want to? You just want to lay there and let him get it over with. > Not once in the almost 10 years I’ve been sexually active has there ever been a time I haven’t wanted sex. My understanding is that women are supposed to get even more sexual as they hit their 30s. I mean, I guess I wont understand until I’m there myself, but it’s just odd for these blanket proclamations to be made about my sexual future, because that’s how “all” women are. And this apparently generally accepted truism sure makes me understand why it seems like so many men are willing to cheat…eesh. Then their men are doing it wrong. And I have to agree that it gets even better for we girls as we get older. I’ve been lucky enough to have mostly been with men who were pretty darned handy in bed (no pun intended :)). And I’ve had a few who were dreadful and didn’t care to work on it in order to learn how to be good, but yet wanted plenty of sex. So if your friends are married to men like that, I can totally understand why they don’t get it (literally). But if you’ve had even one man who knew his way around the female form, I can’t IMAGINE a girl not wanting to have sex as often as men like it. I think your friends just have never had good sex, so they have no real idea what you’re thinking of. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/170 "2010-10-31T05:25:52Z")
A SO that I’m not fucking is just a good friend. My other good friends are fine with me fucking other people. ---
**Author:** ![SSG\_Schwartz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SSG\_Schwartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSG_Schwartz)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/171 "2010-10-31T11:51:38Z")
> [@Terra1041](#): > > I’d be rejoicing, probably. I don’t have interest in having sex and can’t imagine really enjoying it. Most people’s desire for sex is the #1 thing keeping me away from a relationship currently. I am interested if your lack of desire ended a previous marriage, or if you are avoiding a short term relationship because you choose to not have sex. You also sat that this is why you are avoiding a relationship now. Are you looking for a platonic relationship, or do you feel you will change and tolerate sex for a long term relationship. SSG (P) Schwartz ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/172 "2010-10-31T13:51:43Z")
Unless both parties really have low sex drives, I’ve got to think that being sexless in a marriage is an indication of larger problems, not limited to communication and consideration of the partner. We’ve got a 3-week old child, so it’s a temporary situation, but we’ll be back on track when things settle down. Sex is very important to me, and I can’t see being sexless. I wouldn’t be one of the ones who would let it die without a discussion. I really can’t say what would happen if she decided she didn’t want sex and we couldn’t resolve it. I’m not sure I could walk out of my kids lives over it. Fortunately there’s no indication that this is anything I’ll have to worry about. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/173 "2010-10-31T14:45:50Z")
I think a lot of people don’t want to talk about it or address it. Its the string that, once pulled, unravels the seams to the clothes you wear. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/174 "2010-10-31T15:19:14Z")
> [@Dr.Woo](#): > > I suspect that your friends wouldn’t so much mind having sex, but they just don’t want to do it with their husbands. I think you might be on to something. ---
**Author:** ![Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a88e57/32.png) [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fried_Dough_Ho)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/175 "2010-10-31T15:55:47Z")
> [@TokyoPlayer](#): > > We’ve got a 3-week old child, so it’s a temporary situation, but we’ll be back on track when things settle down. Check back in with us in six to twelve months and tell us how it is going… :dubious::dubious::dubious: ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/176 "2010-10-31T16:40:59Z")
> [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > Check back in with us in six to twelve months and tell us how it is going… :dubious::dubious::dubious: He has other children, so he probably knows something of what he’s talking about. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/177 "2010-10-31T17:20:19Z")
Also, aren’t ladies not allowed to have sexy times for like, 6-10 weeks post birth? ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/178 "2010-10-31T17:39:08Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > My friends _regularly_ tell me: Oh, Diosa, just wait until you’re married, then you’ll see. You wont want to do it EVER. Oh God, then once you have kids. . . it’s like, why would you even want to? You just want to lay there and let him get it over with. This is jaw-dropping. It’s also total bollix. I mean, I’m sure it’s true for your friends, but it’s VERY far from universally true. And I’m married with a sixteen-month-old, so I’m speaking from experience. From what I’ve experienced - and this matches what most of my friends of both sexes say - here’s what happens: Marriage makes no difference to sex. When you’ve got a new baby and you’re in the sleep-deprivation phase, you have sex about a third as often as normal, whatever ‘normal’ is for you. Also, since you have no energy, there’s unlikely to be much swinging from the rafters in your French maid outfit. Once the baby starts sleeping through the night, everything goes back to normal. I absolutely promise, if you ever decide to get married and have kids, there’s no universal natural law that says you have to check your sex drive at the door. > [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Also, aren’t ladies not allowed to have sexy times for like, 6-10 weeks post birth? I had a Caesarean, and when I saw my GP two weeks later I asked him when we could go for it, and he said ‘Whenever you feel like it.’ ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/179 "2010-10-31T17:52:56Z")
Dammit, I forgot to answer the original question. If it was just penetrative sex that was missing (there was a physical problem, we were doing everything but penetration, etc) then I would absolutely stay, no question at all. But if he simply didn’t want to do anything sexual, I agree with everyone who said that it would be indicative of a problem that affected every area of the relationship at the deepest level. ---
**Author:** ![drastic\_quench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e36b37/32.png) [@drastic\_quench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drastic_quench)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2010, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551/180 "2010-10-31T18:21:47Z")
> [@eclectic\_wench](#): > > I had a Caesarean, and when I saw my GP two weeks later I asked him when we could go for it, and he said ‘Whenever you feel like it.’ Quite the bawdy GP, ooh eh missus? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexless-marriage-what-do-you-do/558551.md?page=10)