# Sexual Etiquette **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 10, 2000, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161 "2000-05-10T20:47:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2000, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/21 "2000-05-11T14:56:41Z")
> [@](#): > > Ruff, as abrasive as I am, I agree that tact is necessary, but I hope the urgency of my tone make it clear to h\_thur that she _can not_ afford to **beat around the bush** and share blame or mitigate the truth. (doing my amazingly accurate vulgar loudmouth impression) Yeah, h\_thur, don’t beat around the bush…you already know that upsets him. \ (note to the easily irritated…this post is irony-enhanced) I recommend a strict regimen of reading Cheffie’s Steamy Mash Notes® while he’s in the bathroom trimming his nose hairs. You know, just to warm up. _hearty grin_ ---
**Author:** ![h\_thur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/db5fbb/32.png) [@h\_thur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/h_thur)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2000, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/22 "2000-05-11T15:11:07Z")
Thanks **Chef Troy**. 😃 Ahh those steamy love letters… And as a newly born again virgin (courtesy of Sax Face), I will be doing more _beating around the bush_ now. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2000, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/23 "2000-05-11T15:12:43Z")
One wonders if the person is going to remember all we say in a year when she meets this guy again… ---
**Author:** ![SqrlCub](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2000, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/24 "2000-05-11T15:27:33Z")
I faked it several times with another guy (I should have learned my lesson the second time… Ifigured the first time was just bad). He closed his eyes and I spit on his belly so he thought I came. It was a big old hocker too. I didn’t regret it but it seemed like the only way he would stop. I dated him for about a month and he was the absolute worst in bed. ICK! I feel dirty just being with him. He turned out to be a total slimeball anyway so I didn’t feel guilty about it. Now, I believe that faking an orgasm is good enough to get the guys to finish whatever they are doing but only if you don’t plan on doing/seeing them again. If you do, then they are obviously worth something in your eyes and you owe it to yourself and them to be honest. If you lie then he will continue what he is doing. If I were you and was planning on seeing him again, I would take the dominatrix route and tell him he can’t penetrate you until he sucks on you, gets spanked, whatever turns you on until you are willing to get fu\*\*ed and think you will orgasm in his particularly quick time. HUGS! Sqrl ---
**Author:** ![KP](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a9adbd/32.png) [@KP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KP)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2000, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/25 "2000-05-11T15:42:45Z")
Hmm… well that certainly explains one thing that’s always puzzled me: why many guys think that one-night stands are the best sex and that it ‘brings out their best’ when my experience was always exactly the opposite. I’d racked it up to performance anxiety on their part (which presumably was diminished with a stranger), now I wonder if it isn’t a case. “Oh you da man, you da man – gosh, I’m so wiped out by your raging prowess that… look, I have work in the morning, and I want to write this up for Penthouse first, so you better get going. Nice knowing ya!” Every one night stand is a partner who didn’t want a rematch. ---
**Author:** ![h\_thur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/db5fbb/32.png) [@h\_thur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/h_thur)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2000, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/26 "2000-05-11T15:42:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > > If I were you and was planning on seeing him again, I would take the dominatrix route and tell him he can’t penetrate you until he sucks on you, gets spanked, whatever turns you on until you are willing to get fu\*\*ed and think you will orgasm in his particularly quick time. > \*\* Thank you **Sqrl** for a super twist! Though, I really don’t want to have sex with him again, _even if_ I am totally in the driver’s seat, I will use that the next time I have a bad sexual encounter after Mistress h\_thur, Born Again Virgin, drops her celibacy cloak. I _do_ hope that there are no more bad sexual encounters. I do have a whip and a cat o’ nine tails somewhere… ---
**Author:** ![KP](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a9adbd/32.png) [@KP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KP)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2000, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/27 "2000-05-11T15:43:25Z")
Hmm… well that certainly explains one thing that’s always puzzled me: why many guys think that one-night stands are the best sex and that it ‘brings out their best’ when my experience was always exactly the opposite. I’d racked it up to performance anxiety on their part (which presumably was diminished with a stranger), now I wonder if it isn’t a case of “Oh you da man, you da man – gosh, I’m so wiped out by your raging prowess that… look, I have work in the morning, and I want to write this up for Penthouse first, so you better get going. Nice knowing ya!” Every one night stand is a partner who didn’t want a rematch. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Bredin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/96bed5/32.png) [@John\_Bredin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Bredin)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2000, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/28 "2000-05-11T18:02:16Z")
Hmm, somebody pulled a Cleveland: two, but not in a row. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![learae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f9ae1b/32.png) [@learae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/learae)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2000, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/29 "2000-05-12T05:18:41Z")
From what I hear on the radio there are any number of medications that can help with this kind of physical problem; not to mention condoms that reduce the amount of sensation that the man feels to keep them from ejaculating too soon. I, too, have had a sexual partner with this problem, and he always feels so embarrassed when he goes off and I’m not even close. In my case, I cared for the man a great deal and ‘getting off’ was not as important to me as just being with him. In fact, it bothered him a great deal more than it did me. And I hurt for him. Since men seem to equate so much of their ego with their sexual prowess, this is a touchy area to tread on. My man never minded when I helped him get me there; whether it was after he had finished or before he got started. In fact, it usually turned him on…a lot. If your satisfaction means anything to him at all, then why don’t you suggest that he ‘help’ you get off before he climbs on top and humps away. Believe me, you will be ‘ready’ for him, and, at least in my case…it feels great; and it’s a great way to satisfy everyone. 😃 learae ---
**Author:** ![Tomcat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Tomcat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tomcat)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2000, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/30 "2000-05-12T13:19:03Z")
BTW- What is the time limit for premature ejaculation? I don’t really know. Is it seconds? A minute? Three? Five? What? Do you ladies have a clear time in your head when it is OK for the guy to come? Just curious. As for h\_thur, well darlin’, you just gotta be honest. And being 2000 miles away might help. Being up front with him the next time you see him is going to make it more painful for both of you. I would suggest using the phone though. Then you can have a talk about it. Then make sure you call again, just to be sure he took it the right way- important. As for faking it- I won’t be so chauvanistic as to say you shouldn’t. I mean, hey, if its late, you’re tired, you have a lot on your mind because of work, etc, etc, do you REALLY want to have a conversation about this? If you are too whatever to come, then I think you are too whatever to carry on a meaningful conversation about wants and needs. Groan, smile, roll over and sleep. Deal with it later. If you want to take care of the problem in general though, some guys will respond better to logic, try this: “John, have you ever heard about how 60% to 70% of woman can’t have an orgasm through intercourse alone? Yeah? Well guess what? I’m statistically average on this one. Really. It’s not you, it’s her (pointing down). She needs a _little_ special attention, so, if you do this (something) while I do this (something else) then I’m going to come, and THEN we’ll see what more we can do for you. Deal?” And if he strays, or tries to get _too_ creative, then calmly remind him to do (something) until you want him to do (something else). Yes, it works! Dealt with in the right way, it can be sexy, funny, and calming- with no hurt feelings or strained ego’s. My only other suggestion is if the guy is a little aggresive or pushy or thrusting his hips a bit, then a little taste (pun intended) can help. I little hand or mouth work for a short time lets the guy know A) you are not afraid/hesistant/shy/cautious/??? to touch Mr. Happy & B) that he **IS** going to get some tonight. Most guys will calm right down after a minute or so (or less even) of attention, THEN you can make your demands “Me first, then we’ll finish you.” and he’ll go along happily. Sometimes that testosterone build-up clogs our brains, but a little lovin’ attention makes us calm down a few degrees. Strange, but true. The only problem with this logic is if the guy is having severe timing problems…which then leads back to the original question/concern…hhmmmm…I sorta talked myself into a circle, eh? Oh well, I tried! Truthfully this was a hard thing to learn for me with my wife- my previous girlfriend to her came at the drop of a hat (ANY hat) and my wife takes a lot of work. It was a hard switch from easy licks to long-time loving techniques. And yes, it was dealt with slowly; I had to TOTALLY change my repertoire as it were. I guess this adds to the point of what guys learn from lover to lover. Sometimes we pick things up that we think work well, but for you they don’t, and it is hard to just stop using that ‘secret move’ that worked so well in the past. Help us help you! We can learn, and practice does make perfect. And what fun training it can be! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2000, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/31 "2000-05-12T14:25:29Z")
> [@](#): > > **I faked it several times with another guy (I should have learned my lesson the second time… Ifigured the first time was just bad). He closed his eyes and I spit on his belly so he thought I came.** Holy shit! I thought that was just the answer to a bad joke! Go figure… * * * Yer pal, Satan _I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR: One month, three days, 12 hours, 25 minutes and 23 seconds. 1340 cigarettes not smoked, saving $167.59. Life saved: 4 days, 15 hours, 40 minutes._ ---
**Author:** ![h\_thur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/db5fbb/32.png) [@h\_thur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/h_thur)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2000, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/32 "2000-05-12T14:40:22Z")
I think of PE as less than 15 strokes (or under 3 minutes - which ever **comes** first). I read the clinical definition a long time ago, but I can’t remember exactly what the time limit was. Sometimes he doesn’t even make 5 strokes. (sigh) **Tomcat** , you do have some really good suggestions, though I’m just not interested in having sex with him anymore. If I ever decide to have sex with him again, I’ll try your suggestion. I have changed a lot over the past year and a half. My sexual needs have changed as well. And I just didn’t find myself as attracted to him anymore. **learae** - years ago when this problem first appreared, I did love him so much that being with him was primary, and having an orgasm was secondary. The PE didn’t bother me that much. I felt so sorry for him every time it happened. Over the years the PE has bothered him so much that he now has very little (if any) self-esteem. Every year it gets worse. I don’t think sex should be a pity party. Yes, I hate that it happens to him. Yes, I hate that he feels inadequate and like less of a man (his words, not mine). Yes, I hate it that it makes me feel bad too. Three or four years after I experienced his PE first hand, I had the most amazing sex with another man. It was like a whole new world. I had never had such fantastic sex. We even climaxed at the same time (I know that doesn’t happen to everyone, but I do know that it _can_ happen to me). The next time I saw my friend I tried to guide him, show him what I wanted. He didn’t understand. I tried to guide his hand, and he was insulted. He was usually too rough. He didn’t understand the word gentle. He never seemed to want to please me first, anyway. He usually made a feeble attempt at foreplay, then he wanted to “get [the PE] out of the way first”, it would “only take a minute”. He would come, then get hard again, and then try again. Sometimes he would get the rhythm & stroke down just right. I would tell him that I liked it like that, to not stop. He would then change rhythm and his stroke and I would lose that good sensation that would have lead to orgasm. ☹ Ladies, you all know how frustrating that is. When we were younger he took his time. He was patient and gentle. Sex was wonderful the first three years. I don’t think I can train him to be a good lover. Sadly, it’s just not worth my time and energy anymore. learae, I think it’s wonderful that your man takes the time to attend to your needs first. I wish that my friend had continued to be as patient and receptive. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2000, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/33 "2000-05-12T15:34:48Z")
> [@](#): > > As for faking it- I won’t be so chauvanistic as to say you shouldn’t. I mean, hey, if its late, you’re tired, you have a lot on your mind because of work, etc, etc, do you REALLY want to have a conversation about this? If you are too whatever to come, then I think you are too whatever to carry on a meaningful conversation about wants and needs. Groan, smile, roll over and sleep. Deal with it later. Or, you know, you could NOT have sex, rather than deceive your lover. Or give him oral sex if he really just needs to get off. Lying is not the answer. I bet there are tons of men who would rather their lovers tell them if they didn’t want to have sex, rather than having them put on some theatrics while all the time wondering when the hell he’s going to finish so she can go to sleep. It’s called honesty and communication, and if the relationship is good, you’ll want to have that over a 15-minute bang with a faked orgasm for propriety’s sake any day. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2002, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/34 "2002-05-13T00:34:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SingleDad \* > \*\*Being an attractive, intelligent, charming guy, I constantly deal with women wanting to have sex with me whom I’m just not attracted to or interested in. > > \ > > Ok, ok. 😃 But I _have_ dealt with this situation a few times. My usual method is feign extreme obtuseness (I’m very good at this, given my natural talents). I simply do not get the fact that the person is sexually interested in me. Assuming I like the person otherwise, I’ll continue to talk with them as friends, but the sexual references just seem to go right over my head. A liberal use of {{{ blush }}} helps, because it acknowleges a compliment without necessarily having to return it in kind (I also {{{ blush }}} a lot when I’m really flirting, so if I ever flirt with any of you, don’t think that I’m trying to warn you off). Sooner or later the person will get the hint and stop, or at least tone things down, without me ever having to say an unkind word. > > Remember, sex can _never_ be assumed, not even between established lovers. Each act is separately negotiated and consented to by both (or all) parties. Simply failing to consent (or understanding the request) should be a sufficient signal. One never has an obligation to explain one’s reasons for not consenting to sex. \*\* Feigning ingnorance in a situation like h\_thur’s is is just as intellectually dishonest as outright lying. Correct, even established lovers can’t assume on future sex. Nor can they pretend they have no history. He will say the words or give the signs that say, “I’m ready for another round”. A response of _obliviousness_ is inappropriate and pointless, as he sounds like the kind of guy who will just get more insistent until he forces you into either the truth or another lie. ---
**Author:** ![Wikkit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@Wikkit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wikkit)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2002, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/35 "2002-05-13T08:15:30Z")
Although I found this thread interesting, why did you decide to reincarnate a two year old thread, **yojimboguy**? ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2002, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/36 "2002-05-13T10:47:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wikkit \* > \*\*Although I found this thread interesting, why did you decide to reincarnate a two year old thread, **yojimboguy**? \*\* Excellent question, and the answer is, “I f\*\*ked up”. I did a search for premature ejaculation, over which I started an ill-thought out thread. Somehow, in switching between web pages, I read this as a current page, and responded. ---
**Author:** ![kellibelli](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e480ec/32.png) [@kellibelli](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kellibelli)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2002, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/37 "2002-05-13T11:18:14Z")
I miss them. Singledad, Drainbead, and my pal Satan. So many names on this thread I dont see anymore. feeling melancholy, Kelli ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2002, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161/38 "2002-05-13T12:36:55Z")
What the hell ever happened to Drain Bead /Libby anyway? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-etiquette/19161.md?page=1)