# Sexual heresies. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 9, 2019, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295 "2019-04-09T18:24:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 9:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/21 "2019-04-10T09:06:02Z")
> [@UltraVires](#): > > The important thing is open and full communication WRT sex and what you like (the general you). Don’t lie and PLEASE don’t fake orgasms. If what I (the general I in this case) do is not working for you and/or you need us to do X, Y, or Z in order to orgasm, just tell us. Even if it is embarrassing, just say it. We have heard worse. Fine. And if a woman says “you know, I’ve had enough, please stop, I’m fine” even if she hasn’t orgasmed please take her at her word. It is a rare woman that will orgasm every single time she has sex. Lack of one should not be construed as a failure on anyone’s part. I’ve known a couple women who, due to nerve damage (one from diabetes, another from a spinal injury, another who probably had a nerve severed during a hysterectomy) were unable to orgasm. But they still enjoyed having sex. Just as there are men who have impotence problems from one degree to another there are women who likewise have problems. Women have an advantage in that can continue to have sex even if they’re the female equivalent of impotent, but trying to get their bodies to do something they can no longer isn’t going to work for anyone. Fortunately, such things are uncommon, but women in general don’t function sexually the same way men do. ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 9:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/22 "2019-04-10T09:06:47Z")
> [@Scribble](#): > > As a fat woman, I can attest to the fact that fat women get less attention. A lot less attention. We’re part of the furniture, basically. > > As for why the overweight women you know have never complained about their love lives–many people think that the very idea of fat people having sex or an interest in sex is repulsive. If you bring up anything, even obliquely, about your love, sex, or romantic life, there will be at least one person with a look of disgust on their face. You learn very quickly to shut the hell up about it. > > If anyone asks you, or if you’re in a situation where staying quiet would be more conspicuous than joining in the conversation, you’ll say something entertaining and seemingly body-positive–the way your friend did about her cleavage. Admitting the truth would be super-awkward, ruin everyone’s mood, and make you look like an asshole for spoiling the fun. pssst are you in a relationship with anyone right now? If not, how you doin? I don’t equate curvy to rubenesque or plus sized or bbw or “a little extra” (pick yer euphemism) or fat. But, being one of those guys to whom “size doesn’t matter”, I can truly say I don’t care, as long as the hygiene, grooming and personality is there and (like Ultravires said) you directly, clearly, inambigously tell us what you want and like in the boudoir, I’m there if you are (I draw the line at monkies though) ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 11:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/23 "2019-04-10T11:27:03Z")
> [@Lizard](#): > > _heresy_ (noun): any belief or theory that is strongly at variance with established beliefs, customs, etc. > > _Gulp_ here goes … > > \*“When a man sleeps around he’s called a stud …” \* - I have never in my life seen a man express admiration for the quantity of sex another man is having. If anything, I’ve seen more suspicion than anything else. A man who can’t keep it in his pants is not to be trusted in general, because he probably lacks self-control. Yes. Its rarely a compliment. Its either an insult or a neutral observation. At best its tongue in cheek. > [@](#): > > _“Nobody notices fat women or thinks they are sexy.”_ - Well, I am myself a contrary example to this. Not only that, but most curvy women I’ve known never complained about their love life. Many seemed well aware their size gave them certain assets (i.e., deep, canyon-like cleavage) they were definitely willing to use to get male attention. The ideal female body size has been established by an unholy alliance of women and gay fashion designers. Who seem to think anything which is not skinny teenage boy type body=fat. > [@](#): > > _“I got my breast implants to feel more confident, not to attract attention.”_ - Yeah, and there’s a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you. How does buying a product build “confidence” by itself? A C-note to anyone who can explain that logic. On the other hand, “People noticing you more and thinking your’e hot because of your bust” makes real sense. See above. Yup > [@](#): > > _“A man who is a good lover makes sure the woman orgasms.”_ - I believed this for years, and interpreted it to mean I HAD to get her off, come hell or high water, and what she did back to me didn’t really matter. And this coincided with years of frustration doing 80% of the effort every time I had sex. I am not the only guy like this I know of, though I doubt we’re a genuine species or anything like that. I’m in a mutually satisfying relationship now, but if I’m ever back on the market, I will never let things get so lopsided again. WOmen are a mystery, whatcha gonna do? > [@](#): > > Everyone screws around like rabbits when they’re young, and then it tapers off and you grow up/settle down.\* - I suppose “young” is relative. But I’m having more and better sex now in my 40s than I did in my 20s. What’s different is after a person figures out what kind of person is worth being with, he doesn’t have to keep starting over; he can perfect ONE relationship. And that’s when the fun really starts. 😃 Certainly true for dudes, maybe so for women (true for the one that I know). TwentySomethings are just dumb. They wpould not know a good time if it danced naked in front of them. > [@](#): > > Hmm. I suppose I could get flamed for some of this, but I _said_ they were heresies … Well point 1 is one of the feminist commandments so you’ll get flamed for sure.😃 (Though I might have taken the heat off). ---
**Author:** ![Two\_Many\_Cats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8dc957/32.png) [@Two\_Many\_Cats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Two_Many_Cats)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/24 "2019-04-10T12:14:55Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > This is heresy? It just seems like good sense to me. She: Yeahhh, ooooh baby, baby…do it to me. Make me cum… He: Oh sure, It’s always about you, isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/25 "2019-04-10T14:12:24Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Do most men really care about breast size in women? I mean that’s not really anything that I care about at all. Oh, I have other preferences, but breast size is just not important to me at all. I wish I had known this earlier in life. I can’t even tell you how much my way of thinking was warped by feeling that I was basically deformed. Until I started posting here, and talking to people who had no reason to lie, I figured any guy who liked me was just (literally) settling for less. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/26 "2019-04-10T14:19:46Z")
Gay men have no standards, and will have sex with any guy who is willing. I’ve known plenty of gay men, and I’ve known damn few this applies to. Most of them are in monogamous relationships. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/27 "2019-04-10T14:27:27Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Gay men have no standards, and will have sex with any guy who is willing. > > I’ve known plenty of gay men, and I’ve known damn few this applies to. Most of them are in monogamous relationships. Gay men are still men. So yeah, no standards.😃 ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/28 "2019-04-10T15:06:16Z")
Certain circles of guys will most definitely encourage each other to sleep around. It’s probably a sort of camaraderie and confidence builder. Fat, skinny, small breasts, large breasts, there are men with preferences for all of those but I think personality and general compatibility can greatly offset any of those physical preferences. Making the woman orgasm is certainly a worthy goal, but not 100% necessary every time. Focus on foreplay and have fun and unwind, it’s not supposed to be work. You definitely have to potential to have better quality sex when you’re older, as long as you’re with the right partner and you have your life together and have the time and desire for sex. But the young people do often screw like rabbits, not sure if the sex is good quality though. ---
**Author:** ![Treppenwitz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treppenwitz/32/3445_2.png) [@Treppenwitz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Treppenwitz)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/29 "2019-04-10T16:52:30Z")
> [@Lizard](#): > > …\*“When a man sleeps around he’s called a stud …” \* - I have never in my life seen a man express admiration for the quantity of sex another man is having… Here’s an unsavoury FWIW for you. It’s not just individual men who do/did this. Until (it seems) a few years ago, the Bizarre column in The Sun “newspaper” (UK) awarded annually the title of “Shagger of the Year”. See: [Bizarre Awards 2013 – The Sun](https://www.thesun.co.uk/archives/bizarre/442076/bizarre-awards-2013/) - which includes a photo of “Andy (from Lawson)” (no, me either) proudly holding his award. Looking for a link to use for this post, I saw other stuff that suggested that this particular title has subsequently been retired. You would like to think so, but frankly the whole thing is just too distasteful for me to want to research it any further. j (Disclaimer - I was aware of this only from an interview with Lemmy, in which it was mentioned.) ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/30 "2019-04-10T19:35:34Z")
> [@control-z](#): > > You definitely have to potential to have better quality sex when you’re older, as long as you’re with the right partner and you have your life together and have the time and desire for sex. But the young people do often screw like rabbits, not sure if the sex is good quality though. Let’s face it - when you’re a beginner at anything you tend to have flaws in your technique, you fumble a lot, and things don’t always work out as intended… but lots of practice will usually improve things so, yeah, younger people fuck like bunnies because that’s how they become better at sexual intercourse. And because it’s usually fun and feels good, even if no one involved is perfect. Later in life maybe it’s less about quantity and more about quality. But, for damn sure, this is an area where mileage varies all over the place. ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/31 "2019-04-10T20:32:34Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Fine. And if a woman says “you know, I’ve had enough, please stop, I’m fine” even if she hasn’t orgasmed please take her at her word. It is a rare woman that will orgasm every single time she has sex. Lack of one should not be construed as a failure on anyone’s part. > > I’ve known a couple women who, due to nerve damage (one from diabetes, another from a spinal injury, another who probably had a nerve severed during a hysterectomy) were unable to orgasm. But they still enjoyed having sex. Just as there are men who have impotence problems from one degree to another there are women who likewise have problems. Women have an advantage in that can continue to have sex even if they’re the female equivalent of impotent, but trying to get their bodies to do something they can no longer isn’t going to work for anyone. > > Fortunately, such things are uncommon, but women in general don’t function sexually the same way men do. That’s fine. But again, if you are a woman that has trouble climaxing, you should be very honest with a guy about how that can be made better or if it cannot. Again, guys are pretty hung up on that and deem themselves a failure in the sack if they cannot make their wife or girlfriend orgasm. From being a guy and talking to guys, when we look back at the “best sex” in our lives, it was not what the woman did to us, but how hard she came. Now, I’m sure that many women view themselves as “failures” if a man, for example, has a bout of impotency, thinking that he is not attracted to her. I think the open and honest communication will solve that. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/32 "2019-04-10T21:02:12Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Do most men really care about breast size in women? I mean that’s not really anything that I care about at all. Oh, I have other preferences, but breast size is just not important to me at all. > > Maybe it’s just me. [_Chacun à son goût_](https://youtu.be/poDujhmotFQ?t=211) ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/33 "2019-04-10T21:41:03Z")
> [@UltraVires](#): > > That’s fine. But again, if you are a woman that has trouble climaxing, you should be very honest with a guy about how that can be made better or if it cannot. Again, guys are pretty hung up on that and deem themselves a failure in the sack if they cannot make their wife or girlfriend orgasm. Actually, I orgasm fairly regularly - just not every time. Never the first time. Sometimes when I’m feeling a bit off color, or tired. You’ll just have to take my word for it that I’m pretty outspoken about what I do and don’t like, do and don’t want. And if I say “stop” I mean it, because having the guy work on you and work on you and work on you because goddamnit he WILL make you orgasm is actually not a pleasant situation. What I really want to change is the fact so many guys are hung up about this. They should not feel themselves a failure if the woman only orgasms 3 times out of 4 (randomly picked numbers). Or 4 times out of 5 or whatever. Focusing solely on the orgasm can put a lot of pressure on folks which can interfere with achieving an orgasm… which is not a feedback loop any of us want. Frankly, with if you’re getting your woman to climax that often she’s doing better than average. If you aren’t hung up on it women are less likely to fake orgasms either to appease you or to just get you to stop because because enough already. Yes, the best sex involves mind-blowing orgasms for both parties, but not every act of sexual intercourse is going to be a peak experience. No one should beat themselves up for a less than perfect session. Too much focus on the part of the man to _make a woman orgasm_ and it starts to feel more like it’s about his prowess than my pleasure. That’s the flip side of a man feeling like he’s always doing 80-90% of the work, the notion that my orgasm is the man’s trophy. > [@](#): > > Now, I’m sure that many women view themselves as “failures” if a man, for example, has a bout of impotency, thinking that he is not attracted to her. Actually… On one occasion it was pretty clear that the guy had had too much to drink. I wasn’t happy about that, but not because I felt he wasn’t attracted to me but because I was all wound up and was disappointed that actual sexual intercourse was not going to occur. Yeah, I was a little annoyed at him, but stuff happens. When my late husband started to have issues I was more concerned about it being a warning sign in regards to his health than any sense I wasn’t attractive to him. So, no, I’ve never viewed myself as a failure if the man for some reason couldn’t perform. But I might well be an outlier. > [@](#): > > I think the open and honest communication will solve that. Yes, that certainly does optimize the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/34 "2019-04-10T21:53:21Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > The ideal female body size has been established by an unholy alliance of women and gay fashion designers. Who seem to think anything which is not skinny teenage boy type body=fat. Because Hustler, Playboy, and Hollywood are all run by women and gay men. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/35 "2019-04-10T22:09:01Z")
The women in Playboy/Hustler/etc. are way different than the women in, say, Cosmopolitan and other magazines marketed to a female audience, ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/36 "2019-04-10T22:27:07Z")
In general, I disagree with **Broomstick**. The boobs are larger in Playboy et al, but the rest of the body is still slender. Fashion magazines do tend to smaller boobs, because the clothes are the point, and it’s harder to make clothes that aren’t about the boobs if the boobs are large. Cosmopolitan tends to show women showing off their (generally) medium sized boobs - large enough to have cleavage, small enough to still be able to defy gravity when the model is still young. Men’s magazines show women with boobs usually in inverted correlation to the income level of the target audience. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/37 "2019-04-10T22:40:30Z")
Speaking of orgasms: men can’t really fake it. I get it if a woman fakes it, and I understand. Men can’t really get away with that. So, what do women think if a man had sex with you and didn’t orgasm? ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2019, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/38 "2019-04-10T22:50:41Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > The women in Playboy/Hustler/etc. are way different than the women in, say, Cosmopolitan and other magazines marketed to a female audience, ISTR Helen Gurley Brown once responding to a question about why all the models on the cover of _Cosmopolitan_ were so, ummm, _buxom_, with something along the lines of: “_I LIKE buxom models…_” and now the word “buxom” looks really amusing to me. Better get it out of my system. _buxom, buxom, buxom_ Hope that works. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2019, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/39 "2019-04-11T03:17:01Z")
Is the greatest admiration for guys with high numbers from guys who haven’t had any? Or from guys who want to be a player but suck at it? I remember one overnight golf trip with a bunch of expats in Tokyo. All of us were American professional guys in our 40s. We were talking about life in Japan, Japanese women, work, sports and all. Then we started comparing numbers. I had 120 something, and people were not impressed. Another guy has 74 and everyone thought he was a god. Oh, that was our golf scores. Never mind. Does anyone over 40 care about the number of sexual partners? Or was just that my crowd? ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2019, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295/40 "2019-04-11T15:22:04Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Speaking of orgasms: men can’t really fake it. I get it if a woman fakes it, and I understand. Men can’t really get away with that. Why not? Is the woman inspecting the condom afterward? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-heresies/832295.md?page=3)