# Sexual inadequacy and domestic violence **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 5, 2013, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249 "2013-06-05T22:29:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2013, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249/41 "2013-06-08T17:37:04Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > The OP is offensive and borderline misandric. > > I’d imagine an OP that said: _“Is a hot babe, that wears revealing clothing most of the time, likely to be a slut ?”_ Would of been shut down some time ago. I disagree. And the answer to the hypothetical posed in your post is, “yes, more likely to be, if you by ‘slut’ mean inclined to sexual promiscuity, as a person who is not so inclined to promiscuity will be less likely to wear revealing clothing most of the time”. In the same vein, people who are violent often have certain underlying frustrations which causes them to lash out, very few people are violent without (what they perceive to be) adequate reason. Sexual inadequacy is one such underlying issue. A partner is any case going to be a target, especially as they are so intimately linked with said frustration. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2013, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249/42 "2013-06-08T17:42:46Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > The OP is offensive and borderline misandric. > > I’d imagine an OP that said: _“Is a hot babe, that wears revealing clothing most of the time, likely to be a slut ?”_ Would of been shut down some time ago. You are really milking this, just digging for a reason to be offended. Why don’t you give it a try and see what happens? “Are women who dress provocatively more likely to be promiscuous?” You could even set up an anonymous poll. The only thing wrong with the OP is the clumsy phrasing. He might have asked “Are abusive men more likely to be big, strong, macho types or small, weak, and meek?” I’m certain he didn’t intend to imply that all big, strong, macho types are prone to abuse. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2013, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249/43 "2013-06-08T17:52:56Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > You are really milking this, just digging for a reason to be offended. Why don’t you give it a try and see what happens? “Are women who dress provocatively more likely to be promiscuous?” You could even set up an anonymous poll. No I’m not. Just pointing out the double standard. I know a small crew of women would be offended, so I’m not going to even bother. You should note, you we’re the only one out of a vocal minority of women that didn’t find one of my posts offensive in the past, but others considered it misogynistic. So thanks, but no thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2013, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249/44 "2013-06-08T18:05:24Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > No I’m not. Just pointing out the double standard. > > I know a small crew of women would be offended, so I’m not going to even bother. > > You should note, you we’re the only one out of a vocal minority of women that didn’t find one of my posts offensive in the past, but others considered it misogynistic. Clumsy wording is not evidence of a double standard. The OP doesn’t indicate a hatred or mistrust of men. I don’t know what you’re referring to in the second part. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2013, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249/45 "2013-06-08T18:46:52Z")
> [@drachillix](#): > > OK I am going to toss in a little TMI moment, maybe indicative of some problem with me or maybe more of a problem with her, but hell here goes. Maybe it will provide some insight on how a guy who has to this day never actually hit a woman, could find himself physically abusing a S/O. > > I was involved in a relationship with someone who had very different priorities than me, and thought nothing of running roughshod over my life in pursuit of her priorities. Problem was I did not realize this until we had been dating for quite some time thinking that the initial incidents were just “shit happens” until I recognized the patterns and that they would not stop. In fact when I called her out on them, they increased in frequency and she became more willful about it. I loved so much about her she was in many ways perfect nerd girlfriend, but by the end of things, she would apologize for for an inconsiderate behavior then repeat it again the next day. After a lot of this it became so frustrating that I found myself wanting to lash out physically. I felt like it was only option I had left. After months of trying to fix the relationship by talking about it and expressing why I was hurt by some of her behaviors, I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. I was so frustrated that I found myself thinking “would it make a difference if smacked her around a little” > > a few weeks later, she did something that REALLY pissed me off. I stopped myself mid swing and walked out for a few hours to cool off, she saw it coming probably 3 seconds before I even started to swing and went duck and cover in preparation for the coming pounding. I came back, apologized for scaring her, etc, etc. > > For the next month, everything was perfect. Yes probably because she was scared of setting me off and me not stopping. Slowly but surely the behaviors resumed. > > The logical part of my brain finally told me clearly, time to end this before I end up in jail for killing this woman with my bare hands. > > I do not blame her for the problem as I should have just ended things long before they got to this point. However I can see where men with fewer coping skills or less ability to articulate their needs and feelings would have started swinging much earlier and with far less restraint. At the same time, from long exposure to friends, and cow-orkers, I believe there is a subset of people who do not really worry about upsetting their S/O until it reaches physical violence levels. It is good you got out when you did, there was going to be tons of tension in that relationship. I used to feel bad that I could rarely get a date, but as I get older I realize ‘this isn’t so bad, it could be worse’. ---
**Author:** ![Tethered\_Kite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a5b964/32.png) [@Tethered\_Kite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tethered_Kite)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2013, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249/46 "2013-06-08T20:26:07Z")
Men who hit their female companions have any number of problems. While it could stem from feelings of sexual inadequacy I think that may be less frequent than other things. The ability to deal in socially acceptable ways with uncomfortable feelings is certainly high. Mental illness Chemical dependency A background of violence A need to control one’s surroundings A difficulty taking responsibility for his behavior and so blaming others Poor impulse control Even possibly physically health issues. Others and any combination of the above. The OP isn’t sexist _per se._ Interpreted as written it belies a typical mistaken belief that physical strength equals mental and emotional health. The focus of the sentence is about men and why they may hit women. Spin a mention of _macho_ through the filter of extreme feminism and individual experience and you can get offended by the term _mailman._ ---
**Author:** ![Otara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a88e4f/32.png) [@Otara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otara)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2013, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249/47 "2013-06-08T22:37:18Z")
I should say the OP is correct in that there is research arguing something akin to that position, based on attachment theory and how it plays out with DV. I did my postgrad in this area. Dutton is one of the major supports of this perspective. Ie that men with ‘secure’ attachment styles are far less likely to be abusive, with the anxiety based attachment styles connected with abuse. Or more correctly that secure is uncorrelated with abuse, and somewhat protective. However I think it could be argued that a secure attachment style as a measure is just a more likely outcome of not being abusive - correlation and causation is a bit messy in this situation. > **[Domestic violence revisited the application of attachment theory](https://www.academia.edu/1479492/Domestic_violence_revisited_the_application_of_attachment_theory)** > > Domestic violence revisited the application of attachment theory Quick google that has a small table of the kinds of attachment styles examined. But this is by no means the only or even dominant view in the field. Otara ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2013, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249/48 "2013-06-08T22:39:17Z")
> [@Otara](#): > > I should say the OP is correct in that there is research arguing something akin to that position, based on attachment theory and how it plays out with DV. I did my postgrad in this area. Dutton is one of the major supports of this perspective. > > Ie that men with ‘secure’ attachment styles are far less likely to be abusive, with the anxiety based attachment styles connected with abuse. Or more correctly that secure is uncorrelated with abuse, and somewhat protective. However I think it could be argued that a secure attachment style as a measure is just a more likely outcome of not being abusive - correlation and causation is a bit messy in this situation. > > [(PDF) Domestic violence revisited the application of attachment theory](http://www.academia.edu/1479492/Domestic_violence_revisited_the_application_of_attachment_theory) > > Quick google that has a small table of the kinds of attachment styles examined. > > But this is by no means the only or even dominant view in the field. > > Otara How does avoidant personality factor into domestic violence? I’d assume they either wouldn’t get into a relationship, or would walk away at the first sign of trouble. ---
**Author:** ![stoplight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@stoplight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stoplight)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2013, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249/49 "2013-06-08T22:41:06Z")
> [@drachillix](#): > > It might be worth noting, I grew up in an environment with zero physical abuse that I was aware of. She grew up in a very abusive environment. In retrospect I wonder if the “subset” I mentioned before are people from that environment and prone to believing until someone starts swinging they are not really serious. classic Projection Identification, I bet you felt you were possessed by the devil for a second or two? ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2013, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249/50 "2013-06-08T22:53:33Z")
> [@stoplight](#): > > classic Projection Identification, I bet you felt you were possessed by the devil for a second or two? No, I was just mad, I would never attribute my anger to an outside source like that, I am an atheist. For those few seconds, I wanted to hurt her. ---
**Author:** ![stoplight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@stoplight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stoplight)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2013, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249/51 "2013-06-08T23:24:22Z")
> [@drachillix](#): > > No, I was just mad, I would never attribute my anger to an outside source like that, I am an atheist. For those few seconds, I wanted to hurt her. not literally, possessed by an unfamiliar rage perhaps. ---
**Author:** ![Tethered\_Kite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a5b964/32.png) [@Tethered\_Kite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tethered_Kite)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2013, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249/52 "2013-06-08T23:50:42Z")
**Otara** , I’m glad you mentioned attachment issues. I had meant to include it in my post as dependency. It’s not uncommon for male abusers to self-destruct when they lose the object of their abuse. Hardly indicates that he’s dealing from a position of inner strength. One of the most intractable cases of depression in an abused women I’ve ever seen was a woman who finally managed to escape from her home and get help. Her husband killed himself and left a note blaming her for his suicide. It was the ultimate act of abuse. ---
**Author:** ![Vaevictis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f04885/32.png) [@Vaevictis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vaevictis)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2013, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249/53 "2013-06-09T02:29:05Z")
> [@Wesley\_Clark](#): > > Women are choosier about mating. Stereotypically speaking, guys will fuck almost anything that walks but because a woman invests so much more of her time, health and energy into a kid she has to make much choosier decisions. Across the animal kingdom the sex that invests more of itself into offspring makes choosier decisions. So I am guessing institutional misogyny is either in whole or in part an effort to corral women and take their freedom of choice away. Yes, if you live in a world without even moderately reliable birth control. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2013, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249/54 "2013-06-09T03:19:08Z")
> [@Vaevictis](#): > > Yes, if you live in a world without even moderately reliable birth control. Which was the human race for the first 199,950 years of its 200,000 year existence. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2013, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249/55 "2013-06-09T08:05:15Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > The OP is offensive and borderline misandric. > > I’d imagine an OP that said: _“Is a hot babe, that wears revealing clothing most of the time, likely to be a slut ?”_ Would of been shut down some time ago. That was not my objective at all. In fact, the long-forgotten article went on to say that an aggressive, dominant, frigid woman is, so the writer claimed, more likely to be the target of domestic violence (especially if her husband is something of the Caspar Milquetoast type). The woman I had been seeing for a while was like that, but I would never think to strike her–then again, I am not married to her. I don’t think a bullying woman would get anywhere with a macho man as heretofore described. I created a character–who appeared in some of the fiction thread in MPSIMS–a petite woman bearing as strong resemblance to Velma of Scooby-Doo: 5 feet tall, wearing glasses. She has a husband who is 6’8", as macho as any man needs to be–and he treats her like a queen. They have three teenage boys, big strapping fellows…who will not dare to cross their mother. (She does not raise her voice or use an angry tone; she doles out criticism and praise all in the same tone of voice, which can hurt as much sometimes.) Granted this is an ideal, but I like role models which are positive, something to shoot for. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-inadequacy-and-domestic-violence/660249.md?page=2)