# Sexual obsession & mid-life crisis; this can't end well **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 3, 2010, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004 "2010-08-03T13:59:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/181 "2010-08-06T20:01:33Z")
> [@Starving\_Artist](#): > > Thus the situation may be nothing more than essentially a roommate situation in which you have a 38-year-old guy living under the same roof with a 20-year-old sexpot and getting the hots for her and deciding he wants to try to develop a relationship with her. That started somewhere around a 28 year old man living under the same roof as that 10 year old girl. That’s something important to note here. At some point during that time (and she’s only been legal 2 years), he decided he wanted to fuck her. I guess I’m skeptical, but I have issues believing the guy honestly just started thinking about sticking it to her in the last year or two. Maybe someone else here has fucked somebody they’ve known since that person was a child. I haven’t. It’d skeeze me out hardcore. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/182 "2010-08-06T20:08:02Z")
> [@Starving\_Artist](#): > > ETA: Sorry, **olives** , I’ve just seen your post on preview and am about to leave for work. I’m gonna go ahead and post this anyway and will try to answer your post when I get back later this evening. Okay, thanks. And I agree with you that we don’t necessarily know how long they’ve been living together. If they started co-habitating as adults I do think it changes things, but we don’t know how long he’s been living with girlfriend, and assumptions that he’s been living with her since age 10 and that he is her stepfather have thus far been unchallenged by **Winston**. If I sound overly angry, remember, I’m incredibly biased. But I think I’m biased in a _good way_. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/183 "2010-08-06T20:19:52Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > **Maastricht** ’s post are a beautiful example of victim blaming and should be saved for posterity to study. Yah - sort of glad I’m not the only one that read that and went WTF!?!?! ---
**Author:** ![Lady\_of\_the\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@Lady\_of\_the\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lady_of_the_Lake)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/184 "2010-08-06T20:47:53Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > > [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > > > **Maastricht** ’s post are a beautiful example of victim blaming and should be saved for posterity to study. > > Yah - sort of glad I’m not the only one that read that and went WTF!?!?! I reacted the same way. (Wrote several replies, but decided to cool down instead.) > [@Maastricht](#): > > 1. Have sex with her and mess her up even more. While that might harm a girl who is, fundamentally, a decent and psychologically healthy like our olives, I doubt it would harm Hot Mess any more then she is already messed up. Borderlines take these kind of messed up relationships in stride, where they first idolize and then demonize their partners. Maastricht, I have a problem with what you are saying here. To me it seems as if you are saying \*‘It’s okay to mess with this person because they are messed up. They don’t feel things like a **real human being**.’ \* The only response I have to that is: ‘WTF? No, it is not okay. They are a real person and they can still get hurt.’ ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/185 "2010-08-06T21:00:58Z")
**Winston** , I too would like to know when the friend started “raising” the daughter because I can’t decide if his actions are inappropriate or disgusting. If he’s been raising her long enough to be a stepdad, then it’s gross. If he’s only really been in her life since, say, 17 and on, then it’s just inappropriate. Now of course there’s going to be some carnage from this, but I want to know if I should be offended or if I should just bring the popcorn. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/186 "2010-08-06T21:17:40Z")
Okay, it is in the realm of possibility that he did not in any way act as a father figure to the girl. You know what? He should have. That’s what a decent person would have done. Here you are, watching a teenage girl you’ve known for years (I’m assuming she didn’t suddenly turn bad the moment she turned eighteen) slide into a life of drug abuse, promiscuity and physical danger while her mother enables her. This could be a neighbor, a friend, a student…whatever. What do you do? Do you try to act as a mentor and role model? Do you try to get her into rehabilitation? Do you try to influence her to make more positive life choices? Do you make your home a safe but clean place where she is not allowed to indulge in the things that are ruining her life? Or do you give give her drugs and spend all day figuring out how to stick your dick in her? I don’t care what the others were doing. I don’t care that she’s a “hot mess” and Mom’s apparently no better. For a decent person, these are not huge hurdles. These are hardly even speed bumps. You just do the right thing, regardless. The only difference between good people and bad people is that good people do good people things and bad people do bad people things. Your friend is doing bad person things. There is no excuse. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/187 "2010-08-06T21:45:25Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I’m really curious to see **Winston** answer **Wheelz** ’ questions. > > The thing is, I can’t fathom any circumstance where a ten-year old has an older male living with her and he’s not some kind of father-figure to her. Or in the very least, some kind of family figure, definitely a situation where the power dynamic is tilted in his favor. It just doesn’t happen. A young girl’s life is by necessity impacted by an older male living in the house, and I can’t imagine a single circumstance where he wouldn’t have more power than a ten-year-old. > > And kids that age totally have to deal with burgeoning teen sexuality and everything in that context, and find the appropriate way to express their sexuality. And if a girl is living in a house with an older male that encourages her to be flirty and sexual with him, it’s fucking creepy, and it’s also totally confusing because she really doesn’t know any better and she trusts that person to have her best interests at heart. > > So, no, **Starving**. Assuming our assumption is correct, and that he’s been living with this girl since at least age 15, I’m not going to accept that there is an equal power dynamic between them, much less that she’s calling the shots. Even if he is the most hands-off father figure on the planet, that is still what he is to her. So this is not the equivalent of some strange 40 year old man at a bar hitting on a 20 year old. It’s a violation of trust. Even if she’s trying to give him fucking lapdances and insisting she wants it, it’s a violation of trust. While I think this situation is more than a little creepy, having lived in extended family/group living situations most of my life, I can testify that there are easily situations where a 10-year old girl could have an older male living in the house who is not a father or authority figure. Several of my cousins (younger brothers with very forceful older brothers) fell into this category when I was growing up. We (the children) basically saw them as our bigger contemporaries, not as other adults. And they weren’t dominant even among the children. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/188 "2010-08-06T21:49:16Z")
> [@Lady\_of\_the\_Lake](#): > > To me it seems as if you are saying \*‘It’s okay to mess with this person because they are messed up. They don’t feel things like a **real human being**.’ > \* Yah - assuming the step-daughter does have some sort of psychiatric diagnosis, it’s pretty low for the (presumably) non-psychiatric step-dad to take advantage of that just because he can. If the step-daughter was mentally challenged and had a trust fund and step-dad was trying to figure out how to steal her money I don’t even think this would be a discussion. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/189 "2010-08-06T21:59:34Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > While I think this situation is more than a little creepy, having lived in extended family/group living situations most of my life, I can testify that there are easily situations where a 10-year old girl could have an older male living in the house who is not a father or authority figure. Several of my cousins (younger brothers with very forceful older brothers) fell into this category when I was growing up. We (the children) basically saw them as our bigger contemporaries, not as other adults. And they weren’t dominant even among the children. It definitely can happen, but my question still remains: in the situation you describe, would it be ok for a 28 year old cousin by marriage (so no blood) to spend 10 years in the house with a kid, then, when the kid is 20, stick his dick in it? To me, there’s nothing biologically or legally wrong with doing that (so long as he waited until she was 18), but it’s still wrong. Maybe I’m a prude. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/190 "2010-08-06T22:05:24Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > [ > It definitely can happen, but my question still remains: in the situation you describe, would it be ok for a 28 year old cousin by marriage (so no blood) to spend 10 years in the house with a kid, then, when the kid is 20, stick his dick in it? > > To me, there’s nothing biologically or legally wrong with doing that (so long as he waited until she was 18), but it’s still wrong. Maybe I’m a prude. Not to mention he’s been screwing his aunt the whole time, too… It is, at the very least, interesting to see some of the perspectives here. As we all know rapists, molesters and creepy assholes don’t all wear balaclavas or name tags identifying their kinks and optimal groping times, so they’re going to have friends, families, spouses. I can appreciate how hard it is to shift your view of someone based on something they’ve said (or, as someone implied upthread, done – and it does sound like the guy has already made a move). But positioning this as a Lolita situation… actually, that could be quite appropriate, it just doesn’t work if you thought Humbert was a poor horny pawn. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/191 "2010-08-06T22:07:36Z")
I don’t care if they met ten minutes ago - you don’t fuck your girlfriend’s daughter. Who the hell cares whose fault it is - you don’t fuck your girlfriend’s daughter! You don’t need to dress anything up in psychiatric terms, or wonder why the daughter is messed up, or how much time she spent with him, or what her mother is like. Just **don’t fuck your girlfriend’s daughter.** ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/192 "2010-08-06T23:16:00Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > I don’t care if they met ten minutes ago - you don’t fuck your girlfriend’s daughter. > > Who the hell cares whose fault it is - you don’t fuck your girlfriend’s daughter! > > You don’t need to dress anything up in psychiatric terms, or wonder why the daughter is messed up, or how much time she spent with him, or what her mother is like. Just **don’t fuck your girlfriend’s daughter.** What if she’s really hot? Can I fuck her then? ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/193 "2010-08-06T23:23:56Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > What if she’s really hot? Can I fuck her then? If she’s really hot _and_ has glaringly obvious daddy issues, then yes, this thread says that you absolutely can. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2010, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/194 "2010-08-06T23:31:08Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > > What if she’s really hot? Can I fuck her then? > > If she’s really hot _and_ has glaringly obvious daddy issues, then yes, this thread says that you absolutely can. She’s practically asking for it. ---
**Author:** ![SmartAleq](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smartaleq/32/163_2.png) [@SmartAleq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmartAleq)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2010, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/195 "2010-08-07T00:03:21Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > > > If she’s really hot _and_ has glaringly obvious daddy issues, then yes, this thread says that you absolutely can. > > She’s practically asking for it. And it’ll totes be her fault and you get to play the victim card, so like win! Or something. Have a lemon. ---
**Author:** ![MN\_Maenad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e95f7d/32.png) [@MN\_Maenad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MN_Maenad)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2010, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/196 "2010-08-08T00:50:18Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > And yeah, categorizing this girl as the predatory one in a relationship where Friend clearly has been the one in a position of power for a great portion of her childhood is… problematic at best. Even if this girl/woman is flirting with the friend, that power imbalance is a serious problem. And even though she is technically an adult, Friend is the older, supposedly wiser one. As it was said, a good person would throw this girl a lifeline, not take advantage of her problems. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2010, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/197 "2010-08-08T03:26:32Z")
> [@Starving\_Artist](#): > > We don’t know that this guy is her “stepdad” at all. For one thing the couple isn’t married. And worthless mom was apparently around until two years ago, which, coincidentally, was when the girl turned eighteen. So, given that this kid seems to have been raised with no standards and no guidance and no discipline and little if any love, it’s entirely possible that the guy either had no power or was actively prevented from interacting with this girl in the way fathers do and has been in reality little more than mom’s boyfriend living under the same roof, and since mom has bailed he’s become little more than an older roommate. > > I think **Maastricht** , more than anyone else posting to this thread by far, has an accurate view of the reality of this situation. Well, yeah, except for the fact that **Winston Smith** actually _knows_ the guy. :rolleyes: I would THINK he would know a little bit more about the situation than you or **Maastricht**. Either way, if she HAS been raised in such a way, then she WOULD be more of a victim, since he’d be taking advantage of someone who’s obviously messed up, who he’s known since she was a kid. (And I believe there was mention of him making a pass at her before, and her going to her mother?) :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Starving\_Artist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Starving\_Artist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starving_Artist)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2010, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/198 "2010-08-08T04:41:45Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > > [@Starving\_Artist](#): > > > > We don’t know that this guy is her “stepdad” at all. For one thing the couple isn’t married. And worthless mom was apparently around until two years ago, which, coincidentally, was when the girl turned eighteen. So, given that this kid seems to have been raised with no standards and no guidance and no discipline and little if any love, it’s entirely possible that the guy either had no power or was actively prevented from interacting with this girl in the way fathers do and has been in reality little more than mom’s boyfriend living under the same roof, and since mom has bailed he’s become little more than an older roommate. > > > > I think **Maastricht** , more than anyone else posting to this thread by far, has an accurate view of the reality of this situation. > > Well, yeah, except for the fact that **Winston Smith** actually _knows_ the guy. :rolleyes: I would THINK he would know a little bit more about the situation than you or **Maastricht**. You may _think_ that, but that doesn’t make it so. And it’s beside the point anyway. Neither **Maastricht’s** posts nor mine were attempts to challenge **Winston Smith’s** knowledge of the situation (knowledge of which he’s given us very little, btw). Rather, **Maastricht’s** posts and my response to them were in answer to most of the other posters to the thread up to that time, whose view of the situation basically boiled down to friend=evil personified and girl=victim…a view which in my opinion is sexist at its root: man=evil/woman=helpless victim of manipulation or abuse. **Maastricht’s** post (and she’s a trained psychologist, I believe) was the first to take an objective view of the situation as it very likely is in reality, which is that the guy has become hopelessly infatuated with this woman, and that the girl - damaged emotionally as she may be and for whatever reason - isn’t likely to be damaged further by whatever does or doesn’t take place between them in the future. And she gave very good advice as to what Friend needs to do to extricate himself from the situation. In my opinion her posts were objective, insightful, educational, and even more importantly - correct. I believe **Winston Smith** would be well served to ignore virtually all the other posts to this thread and concentrate solely on the three excellent posts that **Maastricht** was good enough to devote considerable time and effort to composing. She knows what she is talking about. ---
**Author:** ![Starving\_Artist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Starving\_Artist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starving_Artist)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2010, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/199 "2010-08-08T06:28:56Z")
> [@Starving\_Artist](#): > > I believe **Winston Smith** would be well served to ignore virtually all the other posts to this thread… I didn’t mean that quite the way it sounded. What I meant to say was that IMO **Maastricht** has the objectivity, insight and professional training to know what she’s talking about and that her posts should be given weight accordingly. I was headed out the door and posting in haste and I apologize to the many posters in this thread who’ve offered their posts in good faith and who may have been offended by my clumsy choice of words. ---
**Author:** ![lastsong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e8c25b/32.png) [@lastsong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lastsong)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2010, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/200 "2010-08-08T07:58:21Z")
What do you want to take away from this? His continued friendship? A sense that you did what you could to stop it? Legal immunity? God knows how this is going to end - you can’t stop it, but it will end. Where do you want to be when that happpens? I don’t know what is stopping you from emailing this (and the other board’s version) to the girlfriend. Don’t have an email? Print them off and put them in her hand. If she is fine and dandy with her boyfriend humping her daughter, she may turn on you even more than your friend will. Either way, it will probably make the situation blow up - hopefully, before charges are brought. Another thought: Any chance of having the friend move in with you (for a seriously set time limit) or otherwise get him out of that house? The trainwreck is 20 - she at least knows how to find food and use a microwave - the bills can be routed to her everlovin’ mama. Important thing is to get the fool away from her. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004.md?page=11)