# Sexual obsession & mid-life crisis; this can't end well **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 3, 2010, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004 "2010-08-03T13:59:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![RainGrowsBrite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed655f/32.png) [@RainGrowsBrite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RainGrowsBrite)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/41 "2010-08-03T20:59:46Z")
I understand giving an old friend the benefit of the doubt. And I understand not turning your back on someone you have known for a long time. But just be careful. People can change. I experienced this first hand with my best friend and maid-of honor. Someone can be someone to you for half your life, and then be something totally different for the rest. My advice is to give him the best guidance you can. Be blatantly frank with him about how you feel and how the scenario disgusts you. But when, because honestly it doesnt sound like an ‘if’… WHEN this blows up, you should distance yourself. Good luck to you sir. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/42 "2010-08-03T21:12:05Z")
> [@malkavia](#): > > > [@Winston\_Smith](#): > > > > I’m not really a fan of moral absolutism, and I try not to judge people too harshly for their shortcomings, but don’t misinterpret that as some sort of defense of this guys actions. I don’t _know_ that he’s been truthful with me, but despite his numerous failings, I’ve always known him to be an honest man. > > > > And as far as kicking him to the curb goes, it’s really not that easy. I’ve known the guy since we were kids. I’ve been friends with him for over 30 years, and we’ve never _once_ had an argument, falling out, or even cross words between us. He was best man at my wedding. > > > > He’s a good man, that has gone wrong somehow, for some reason I can’t fathom, and I’d be doing him wrong if I just kicked him in the balls and walked away. I’d agree there’s a lot of people out there that don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt, but this guy does. > > I respect where you’re coming from here, but there must come a point where you cannot overlook someone’s behavior. If he just wanted to start partying with barely legal women or picked up a bit of a coke habit, I would be right behind you in eschewing moral absolutism. The fact is that he’s trying to victimize an unstable young woman whom he RAISED. Beyond the pale, that. > > I second **Velma** ’s idea for an intervention of sorts. You can advise that you care about him and want him to do the right thing, but standing idly by while he throws this girl’s life into an even more nauseating tailspin is not a situation that I would choose for you. You honestly seem to have a better moral compass than that. > > And to be honest, if it weren’t for the drug abuse, bulemia, etc. I might just shrug this off and think, “What a dick of a stepdad.” and leave it at that. The fact that this girl is so unquestionably unstable and he has been her guardian for all of these many years makes him an abuser for pursuing her, IMO. I know I need to do _something_, I just haven’t figured out _what_. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/43 "2010-08-03T21:14:33Z")
> [@RainGrowsBrite](#): > > I understand giving an old friend the benefit of the doubt. And I understand not turning your back on someone you have known for a long time. But just be careful. People can change. I experienced this first hand with my best friend and maid-of honor. Someone can be someone to you for half your life, and then be something totally different for the rest. > > My advice is to give him the best guidance you can. Be blatantly frank with him about how you feel and how the scenario disgusts you. But when, because honestly it doesnt sound like an ‘if’… WHEN this blows up, you should distance yourself. > > Good luck to you sir. Thanks. I’m going to keep him at arm’s length until this is all resolved. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/44 "2010-08-03T21:16:59Z")
> [@panman\_1960](#): > > Hell, advise him to tell the girlfriend he wants the 3-way with her and her daughter! That gets you off the hook, let’s the girlfriend and the daughter know what’s up in his head and the whole thing is then up to the three of them to figure out. If you do this, will you please let me know when the Springer episode is going to air? This is actually a pretty decent idea, in light of the circumstances. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/45 "2010-08-03T21:18:55Z")
> [@](#): > > I know I need to do something, I just haven’t figured out what. Sometimes, I’m afraid, there is no “what.” > [@](#): > > Thanks. I’m going to keep him at arm’s length until this is all resolved. Sometimes, I’m afraid, there is no “resolved.” Sorry, but I don’t see this ever having a pat resolution, or even being solved to so much as one single person’s satisfaction. (Also, if he helped raise this girl, he has a lot of responsibility re: her current fucked-upedness. Which he is now using to his advantage. Thus raising his own fucked-upedness. And 'round and 'round it goes.) ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/46 "2010-08-03T21:26:03Z")
Game. Set. Match. Everyone loses. ---
**Author:** ![RainGrowsBrite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed655f/32.png) [@RainGrowsBrite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RainGrowsBrite)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/47 "2010-08-03T21:26:34Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Sorry, but I don’t see this ever having a pat resolution, or even being solved to so much as one single person’s satisfaction. I agree. The fact is… I find that this guy is acting inexcusably morally corrupt. And to me, unless he suddenly snaps out of it and says, “Oh my god, what the hell am I doing”, it stays as an inexcusable offense in my friendship book. I, personally, would not want this person in my life going forward. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/48 "2010-08-03T21:35:01Z")
> [@justrob](#): > > Gee, I don’t know, it worked out pretty well for Woody Allen. Of course he was a lot older so the extra experience probably helped him get it to work out. > > Seriously though… ewwwewwwewwww… (insert pukey smiley) > > There is no way this ends well without either the daughter or the friend removing themselves from the situation. Except Woody never lived w/ Soon Yi and never took part in raising her. He dated her mother but they lived in separate homes. He ever a father figure to her. As to the OP - you really can’t be this guy’s friend, knowing what you know. I’m with the crowd that thinks he’s already crossed some pretty big lines with her already, even if he hasn’t actually had sex with her. No doubt there have been some Oops-I-didn’t-know-you-were-undressing-in-here “misunderstandings” and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if he had some hidden cams in her room or bathroom to spy on her. Get rid of this scumbag and find a way to ruin this for him. Don’t just throw up your hands saying “I guess he’s ignoring my advice, oh well…” and actually actively find a way to ruin it, either by telling other friends/family/or whatever. Yes, she’s an adult but that doesn’t really make it any less fucked up. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/49 "2010-08-03T21:41:46Z")
> [@RainGrowsBrite](#): > > > [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > > > Sorry, but I don’t see this ever having a pat resolution, or even being solved to so much as one single person’s satisfaction. > > I agree. The fact is… I find that this guy is acting inexcusably morally corrupt. And to me, unless he suddenly snaps out of it and says, “Oh my god, what the hell am I doing”, it stays as an inexcusable offense in my friendship book. I, personally, would not want this person in my life going forward. This. Immediately snaps out of it and spends YEARS going through voluntary therapy to figure out what made him lose his shit. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/50 "2010-08-03T21:46:28Z")
It is so easy to read a post on a message board and say “Yuck! Kick that loser out of your life!”, and yet real life is never that simple. Even when you know a friend is wrong, utterly wrong, disgustingly wrong… even then, a friendship that has lasted a lifetime takes time to die. I’m so sorry that you’re in this position; both in learning that the man who has been so much to you for so long has become someone not worthy of your friendship and respect, and also sorry that you have to deal with the inevitable grief and sorrow that the death of this friendship will bring. It isn’t easy to walk away even when you know it is time. It would be nice if there was a neat, helpful \*something \*you could do to help, but these adults are hellbent on their own destruction. Maybe telling him why you can’t be a part of his life any more will be a wakeup call for him. More likely the three of them are committed to crashing and burning and in the aftermath… if there’s remorse, maybe there will be a time when you can be his friend again. Whatever happens, good luck to you and to them. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/51 "2010-08-03T21:47:39Z")
Tell your friend that _you_ want to fuck the girl.\* Assuming he’s horrified by this suggestion, you can then say, “Now do you see how ridiculous and creepy it is that _you_ want to?” But if he’s OK with the idea, then you’ll know without a doubt that he’s beyond any help you can give. \*I’m not going to use the term “step-daughter” because she’s not. She’s his girlfriend’s kid. Not that he isn’t still being a creep. ---
**Author:** ![ThirdOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@ThirdOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThirdOne)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/52 "2010-08-03T21:49:18Z")
He wants a relationship with a promiscuous druggy with other issues… this is not a good thing. He definitely took a wrong turn somewhere. I would have to walk away from the friendship if he pursued her. I am not in your shoes, obviously. I think approaching this girl would not change anything for your friend and might get you involved in a violatile situation. She can’t be thinking clearly and could easily make wild accusations against you, involving the police, again. All I recommend is, do not let him involve you to the point that you end up in jail, etc. ---
**Author:** ![supergoose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@supergoose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/supergoose)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/53 "2010-08-03T22:26:20Z")
God, that poor girl. Whatever happens, I hope it’s the least horrible scenario for her. I very, very much doubt your friend gives a shit given his behavior and intentions, but you might try giving him a verbal slap upside the head/wake up call of what this must be like from her point of view and to try to get him to encourage her to some counseling or something. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/54 "2010-08-03T22:49:01Z")
> [@Winston\_Smith](#): > > He’s already crossed the line at least once: he made some comment to her which was sexually suggestive, and she told her mother about it. I guess he managed to talk his way out of trouble, but from what he’s told me his girlfriend and some other family members can see what’s going on, though he has vigorously denied it. > [@](#): > > He told me that the girlfriend divulged to him that if he did fuck the daughter, it wouldn’t bother her. :dubious: It doesn’t make sense to me that she would object to a flirtatious comment but be okay with him acting on his urges. Huh? If I were you, I’d just simultaneously inform the brother, mother, and daughter about his comments. You don’t have to be judgmental of him. Just lay out his quotes and say “I am concerned about what would make him say things like this and I wanted you to be aware of the situation”. No mentally healthy man would be thinking this way about a girl he had helped raise from childhood. This does not sound like something where you can just “talk him out of it” - just like you can’t expect to “talk someone out of” pedophilia. He probably needs professional help. The daughter may be a grown woman, but **even grown women can be raped or coerced into sex**. How would you feel if it comes out later that he raped her and you didn’t do anything to try to stop it? I would also agree with those who feel that even in the best of circumstances 20 year olds are not really all that mature. A 20 year old from what sounds like a very dysfunctional family is probably not emotionally mature and healthy enough to protect herself from a predator. This girl has probably been through a lot. A parent’s death is traumatic enough to screw up a child all by itself. Add on top of that all the other weirdness (mom not being around, stepfather acting creepy and possibly molesting her) and it is no wonder she is acting out so badly. I think the compassionate and right thing to do is to try to prevent things from getting any worse for her. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/55 "2010-08-03T23:17:45Z")
**Wheelz,** she IS his step-daughter - being ‘his girlfriend’s kid’… It’s been a 10 year de facto relationship - waddya want, a marriage certificate? The earlier suggestion (sorry, I don’t have the quote) **Winston Smith** about telling the mother that your mental friend wants a 3-way with her and the daughter is beyond bizarre and for you to comment that you think this isn’t a bad idea I can only HOPE was sarcastic. You \*\*know \*\*all this stuff, and yet…this guy is your _friend_…? I don’t care that you’ve known each other since you were kids and that he was the best man at your wedding. Friendship is not a life-long pact no matter what you do - it survives because there remains common ground, and aligned values. This is The Psycho Circus and you cannot, and will not ever be the Ringmaster. If you really want to help, finish the friendship. That way you’re helping the only person beyond help - you. If you want to stick around I can’t help but think you’re just a weirdo voyeur who wants to know about the 40th birthday present. ---
**Author:** ![lisacurl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/41988e/32.png) [@lisacurl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisacurl)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/56 "2010-08-03T23:25:10Z")
Midlife crisis, hell. I’m thinking closed brain injury. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2010, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/57 "2010-08-03T23:42:15Z")
> [@Velma](#): > > This man is in a position where he needs people he respects (you, hopefully) to firmly and clearly tell him that what he is doing is wrong. You said you have tried to talk to him before, I would do a final conversation and then be done with him until he changes his behavior or gets help. I would compare it to an intervention I guess. Speaking of, if the Op hasn’t ever seen the [A&E show\* Intervention \*](http://www.aetv.com/intervention/index.jsp) he may want to check out one of the episodes involving a young female addict who’s been abused (I’d say 9/10 of them have been abused or assaulted). Might be an interesting illustration of the connection between abuse and cycles of abuse/addiction/out-of-control behavior. Knowing your stepdad has been hanging around for a decade waiting to fuck you, pretty much confirming what you’ve already suspected, that your attractiveness and body are your primary assets… not great for the old self-esteem. And this guy gives midlife crises a bad name. Get a sports car or a toupee, don’t contribute to a young person’s downward spiral. ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/58 "2010-08-04T01:55:07Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > > [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > > > This is coming totally out of left field given my own personal experience, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he’s already fucked her. She’s exhibiting behavior that could easily be attributed to childhood sexual abuse. It could be any number of other things, too, but if she’s lived with him all this time, I see big red flags. > > Well, I have a completely different personal history than you do **Olives** and this is exactly where my thoughts went to as well. > > Frankly, if you’re buddy has this many boundary issues (which he clearly does) he may no have had actual sex with her, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s done other sexual things telling himself that they don’t count 'cus it’s not ‘sex’. Or at least the girl can tell he wants to, and that alone is shattering her self esteem and ability to make healthy decisions. I’m a man with no history of abuse and my thoughts went there too. ---
**Author:** ![Fionn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Fionn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fionn)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/59 "2010-08-04T02:07:36Z")
> [@lavenderviolet](#): > > The daughter may be a grown woman, but **even grown women can be raped or coerced into sex**. How would you feel if it comes out later that he raped her and you didn’t do anything to try to stop it? Since she lives in her mother’s house and seems to have problems that would make employment an issue, she could be especially vulnerable to coercion. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/60 "2010-08-04T07:21:17Z")
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