# Sexual obsession & mid-life crisis; this can't end well **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 3, 2010, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004 "2010-08-03T13:59:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/61 "2010-08-04T13:42:33Z")
> [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > **Wheelz,** she IS his step-daughter - being ‘his girlfriend’s kid’… It’s been a 10 year de facto relationship - waddya want, a marriage certificate? > > The earlier suggestion (sorry, I don’t have the quote) **Winston Smith** about telling the mother that your mental friend wants a 3-way with her and the daughter is beyond bizarre and for you to comment that you think this isn’t a bad idea I can only HOPE was sarcastic. > > You \*\*know \*\*all this stuff, and yet..this guy is your _friend_..? I don’t care that you’ve known each other since you were kids and that he was the best man at your wedding. Friendship is not a life-long pact no matter what you do - it survives because there remains common ground, and aligned values. > > This is The Psycho Circus and you cannot, and will not ever be the Ringmaster. > > If you really want to help, finish the friendship. That way you’re helping the only person beyond help - you. > > If you want to stick around I can’t help but think you’re just a weirdo voyeur who wants to know about the 40th birthday present. I think you were ok right up to that last sentence. You, Sir or Madam, can fuck right off. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/62 "2010-08-04T13:51:44Z")
> [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > The earlier suggestion (sorry, I don’t have the quote) **Winston Smith** about telling the mother that your mental friend wants a 3-way with her and the daughter is beyond bizarre and for you to comment that you think this isn’t a bad idea I can only HOPE was sarcastic. > > If you want to stick around I can’t help but think you’re just a weirdo voyeur who wants to know about the 40th birthday present. > [@Winston\_Smith](#): > > I think you were ok right up to that last sentence. You, Sir or Madam, can fuck right off. I actually think the OK stopped around where I quoted. The idea behind telling the Mom was not to get it started, but to warn her and hopefully get her to intervene. **WS** ’s sticking around looks to be in the service of helping, not ogling, **ImpossibleThings**. I think your judgment was way out of line. Clearly there’s the idea that if he doesn’t stick around, the friend may have no one talking him out of it. This may be flawed thinking, but I myself have stuck with a situation and people I hoped to change in the face of feeling that I would be abandoning the victims if I walked away. ---
**Author:** ![justrob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a9adbd/32.png) [@justrob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/justrob)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/63 "2010-08-04T14:06:08Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Except Woody never lived w/ Soon Yi and never took part in raising her. He dated her mother but they lived in separate homes. He ever a father figure to her. I think you meant to say “never” there. I only know what I’ve heard about it in the background and what is on Wikipedia but I don’t really buy the idea that he was never a father figure to her. He and Mia Farrow only dated but it was a 12 year relationship with 2 adopted children and one biological child. Soon-Yi was 10 when the relationship started. I don’t see how you could **not** end up a father figure to another child in the household. Even if it was a separate one. Of course I don’t really care about Woody Allen and was just making a joke in the topic of the thread so I’ll drop the hijack. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/64 "2010-08-04T14:20:32Z")
> [@lisacurl](#): > > Midlife crisis, hell. I’m thinking closed brain injury. Unlikely, but certainly possible. We had a family friend, great guy. Upstanding churchgoer, community leader, served on a local city council, etc etc. He taught me how to throw a Frisbee. And one day at Sunday brunch, following church, he looked at a girl at the next table who might have been 13, 14 tops, and said, “Man, look at those tits.” We were all stunned, even more so when he genuinely didn’t seem to understand what the problem was. He died three months later, glioblastoma multiform brain tumor, very aggressive, inoperable, and by then his personality had utterly vanished, changed forever by that weird little monster in his head. I think that’s a one in a million story, though. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/65 "2010-08-04T15:35:12Z")
[quote=“lorene, post:62, topic:549004”] > [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > If you want to stick around I can’t help but think you’re just a weirdo voyeur who wants to know about the 40th birthday present. > [@Winston\_Smith](#): > > I think you were ok right up to that last sentence. You, Sir or Madam, can fuck right off. Jerry Springer jokes, post #12, and here, you so easily tell me to ‘fuck off’ for a throw-away comment like that. Your friend of no boundaries, integrity, morality, or respect tells you his sexual plans for cheating on his de facto (in whose house he lives) with a (now) woman he’s known since she was ten, and to whom he’s been a father figure - and you wanna inoffensively term it ‘a mid life crisis’ like he wanted to dye his hair and buy a sportscar. If that didn’t have me say ‘_Fuck_ OFF!’ I don’t know what would. > [@lorene](#): > > I actually think the OK stopped around where I quoted. The idea behind telling the Mom was not to get it started, but to warn her and hopefully get her to intervene. She’s HARDLY going to intervene when she’s clearly aware of the previous problem involving the police that **Winston Smith** mentioned. Her solution, it seems, was to move as far away as possible. > [@lorene](#): > > **WS** ’s sticking around looks to be in the service of helping, not ogling, **ImpossibleThings**. I think your judgment was way out of line. Clearly there’s the idea that if he doesn’t stick around, the friend may have no one talking him out of it. This may be flawed thinking, but I myself have stuck with a situation and people I hoped to change in the face of feeling that I would be abandoning the victims if I walked away. The situation you stuck with, **lorene** - did the people change? I myself dissolved a 41-year friendship because people _do not change_ until they feel abandoned enough - that is, having no one to ‘off load’ onto while they basically talk to themselves. They’re not interested in your opinion, or the impending train wreck. It’s not heading their way - they’re fucking \*driving \*the thing. All they’re interested in hearing is their plans, their fantasies, or their intentions out loud to a captive audience whom they are certain will not ‘betray’ them or punch them in the mouth. This guy needs professional help (which obviously he will not seek.) He sees absolutely NOTHING wrong with his behaviour. If at 38-year-old man needs someone to ‘talk him out of’ fucking his stepdaughter (adult or not - and when it appears he already has) and telling all and sundry that he has the permission of the mother (effectively his wife) to do so, then you two have more faith in the persuasive word than I do. I’d go with **AClockworkMelon**. Send the idiot this thread. ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/66 "2010-08-04T15:58:00Z")
I like the “dieting and exercising, getting fit again, new clothes”. That’s the spirit! How about Grecian formula, or hair plugs if needed? Yeah, lookin’ good!.. That’s putting a nice, thick layer of frosting on an excrement cake, IMO. Pretties it up a treat! I lead a dull life, I guess, and I’m always amazed when I hear about stuff like this. However, having known people like this (that is, Jerry Springer People) - it’s my experience that there’s nothing you can do or say to stop someone’s eager headlong plunge into chaos. It’s like they’re malfunctioning inside, they have no boundaries, no …self control. They see something they want and run, run, run toward it without a moment’s thought. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/67 "2010-08-04T15:59:19Z")
> [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > Jerry Springer jokes, post #12, and here, you so easily tell me to ‘fuck off’ for a throw-away comment like that. Your friend of no boundaries, integrity, morality, or respect tells you his sexual plans for cheating on his de facto (in whose house he lives) with a (now) woman he’s known since she was ten, and to whom he’s been a father figure - and you wanna inoffensively term it ‘a mid life crisis’ like he wanted to dye his hair and buy a sportscar. If that didn’t have me say ‘_Fuck_ OFF!’ I don’t know what would. A couple of ‘off-hand’ comments on a message board don’t make me a ‘weirdo voyeur’. I don’t like being called a fucking deviant, and as far as I’m concerned you owe me a fucking apology for even suggesting something in that direction. I’m concerend about a friend who has done something incomprehensible to me. Excuse me for not having the moral IQ to know, with instantaneous and concrete certainty, exactly what to do the moment the knowledge enters my brain. I’m sure you’re perfectly superior to me in every way possible. Now fuck off till you’re ready to apologise. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/68 "2010-08-04T16:05:41Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > I like the “dieting and exercising, getting fit again, new clothes”. That’s the spirit! How about Grecian formula, or hair plugs if needed? Yeah, lookin’ good!.. That’s putting a nice, thick layer of frosting on an excrement cake, IMO. Pretties it up a treat! > > I lead a dull life, I guess, and I’m always amazed when I hear about stuff like this. However, having known people like this (that is, Jerry Springer People) - it’s my experience that there’s nothing you can do or say to stop someone’s eager headlong plunge into chaos. It’s like they’re malfunctioning inside, they have no boundaries, no …self control. They see something they want and run, run, run toward it without a moment’s thought. I lead a pretty dull life, too. I’ve got no frame of reference for what my friend is doing. I am leaning towards just sending his girlfriend a message via FaceBook (that’s the only way I know of to get in touch with her) and tell her exactly what’s going on. I’m wrestling right now with whether or not I should try to do it anonymously. I really don’t want to be involved in any of this. Who’s to say the girl doesn’t share his feelings and would want revenge on _me_ for spilling the beans? The _last_ thing I need is an unstable 20 year old girl with a blodd vendetta against me. This is one fucked up situation, and I’m finding the more I try to suss out what to do, the less clear it all becomes. I was hoping posting about it would help me to clarify my thoughts and chart a course to help them fix their family, but I’m starting to think that’s not possible and the best I can hope for is that the girl isn’t victimized any longer. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/69 "2010-08-04T16:15:57Z")
> [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > She’s HARDLY going to intervene when she’s clearly aware of the previous problem involving the police that **Winston Smith** mentioned. Her solution, it seems, was to move as far away as possible. Right. I know that and you know that and, to a certain extent, \*\*Winston Smith \*\*knows that. But there is a huge **huge** amount of distance between knowing and acknowledging that and still trying to figure out if there’s something he can do…and being a weirdo voyeur. In other words, staying in contact with the friend while he casts about for any ideas on what to do to help the girl \*does not count \*as condoning and even getting off on the behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/70 "2010-08-04T16:36:47Z")
> [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > If you want to stick around I can’t help but think you’re just a weirdo voyeur who wants to know about the 40th birthday present. > [@Winston Smith](#): > > You, Sir or Madam, can fuck right off. > [@Winston Smith](#): > > Now fuck off till you’re ready to apologise. Up until now people were able to discuss this volatile situation without resorting to insults and insinuations. No one is allowed to tell someone to fuck off outside the pit; you know that, **Winston** — and telling someone they’re a voyeur in this situation is uncalled-for and jerkish, **6Impossible**. Now, everyone take a step back and cool off. **Ellen Cherry IMHO Moderator** ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/71 "2010-08-04T16:42:37Z")
Indeed. My apologies to The Board for that. ---
**Author:** ![Telcontar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@Telcontar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telcontar)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/72 "2010-08-04T16:48:59Z")
> [@Winston\_Smith](#): > > Who’s to say the girl doesn’t share his feelings and would want revenge on _me_ for spilling the beans? The _last_ thing I need is an unstable 20 year old girl with a blodd vendetta against me. I just wanted to highlight this as a real concern. People with nothing to lose can do a lot of damage, and who knows how she sees her enabling, sexually obsessed, stepfather, or how she’d respond to seeing him removed. That really could go any which way. I think you’re at some risk for any action you take, but that there’s no real way to avoid it. The biggest question, in my mind, is what the mother thinks of all this. If your friend is being honest, then she won’t see any reason to take action. Is there anyone else you could involve? Preferably someone who would be guaranteed to take your side. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/73 "2010-08-04T16:49:51Z")
So if the word ‘voyeur’ is so objectionable, I retract it unreservedly. At no point, however, did I call you a ‘fucking deviant’ **Winston Smith**. I think that term is owned by your friend. I’m sure The Board accepts your apology. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/74 "2010-08-04T16:52:59Z")
> [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > So if the word ‘voyeur’ is so objectionable, I retract it unreservedly. The word voyeur is not the least bit objectionable. The context, subtext and delivery was. Intellectual cowardice posing as pedantry is quite charming. Stick with it. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/75 "2010-08-04T16:59:12Z")
> [@Telcontar](#): > > > [@Winston\_Smith](#): > > > > Who’s to say the girl doesn’t share his feelings and would want revenge on _me_ for spilling the beans? The _last_ thing I need is an unstable 20 year old girl with a blodd vendetta against me. > > I just wanted to highlight this as a real concern. People with nothing to lose can do a lot of damage, and who knows how she sees her enabling, sexually obsessed, stepfather, or how she’d respond to seeing him removed. That really could go any which way. I think you’re at some risk for any action you take, but that there’s no real way to avoid it. > > The biggest question, in my mind, is what the mother thinks of all this. If your friend is being honest, then she won’t see any reason to take action. Is there anyone else you could involve? Preferably someone who would be guaranteed to take your side. Therein lies my dilemma. The more I think about this, the more conflicted I’m getting. On one hand, I want to take the advice of a lot of people here and just ditch. On the other hand, I’d like to be able to help the daughter by arranging for some sort of intervention, as a lot of others here are advising. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/76 "2010-08-04T17:00:20Z")
> [@Winston\_Smith](#): > > The word voyeur is not the least bit objectionable. The context, subtext and delivery was. Intellectual cowardice posing as pedantry is quite charming. Stick with it. It’s wrong to call you a voyeur but it’s OK to call someone an intellectual coward? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/77 "2010-08-04T17:00:29Z")
> [@Winston\_Smith](#): > > > [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > > > So if the word ‘voyeur’ is so objectionable, I retract it unreservedly. > > The word voyeur is not the least bit objectionable. The context, subtext and delivery was. Intellectual cowardice posing as pedantry is quite charming. Stick with it. Yeah. Stick with your friend, **Winston**. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/78 "2010-08-04T17:07:15Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > [@Winston\_Smith](#): > > > > The word voyeur is not the least bit objectionable. The context, subtext and delivery was. Intellectual cowardice posing as pedantry is quite charming. Stick with it. > > It’s wrong to call you a voyeur but it’s OK to call someone an intellectual coward? 😕 I think so. ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/79 "2010-08-04T17:10:37Z")
> [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > > [@Winston\_Smith](#): > > > > The word voyeur is not the least bit objectionable. The context, subtext and delivery was. Intellectual cowardice posing as pedantry is quite charming. Stick with it. > > Yeah. Stick with your friend, **Winston**. > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > It’s wrong to call you a voyeur but it’s OK to call someone an intellectual coward? 😕 Good grief. Only on Straightdope can someone post about being concerned for the well being of his friends stepdaughter, only to be attacked in the process. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2010, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004/80 "2010-08-04T17:13:20Z")
I’m not attacking anyone. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sexual-obsession-mid-life-crisis-this-cant-end-well/549004.md?page=5)