# shall I ask her out? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 21, 2016, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824 "2016-01-21T21:01:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![shaqil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5e9695/32.png) [@shaqil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shaqil)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2016, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/21 "2016-01-21T23:50:30Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > What do you mean start thinking about yourself? Focusing on earning money is thinking about yourself. > > WRT to dating. First, you don’t ask a girl out with the focus of starting a relationship. You ask her on a date, because you believe you might enjoy spending time together on that date. Nothing more. Otherwise you are already putting too much pressure on her and yourself. If she says yes, then great, hope you have a good time. If she says no, then “c’est la vie”. All that is lost is the time you spend asking her out on one date. Look for someone else to ask out. > > If you do have the date and you both enjoyed it, ask her out for one more date. Let it go from there. > > Many younger people put too much pressure on themselves about dating, like they are picking out their future spouse on the first date. thanks ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/22 "2016-01-22T00:41:38Z")
You will ask. She will answer. And You… will Know. Yes, that sucks. No, its not romantic. No, it doesn’t make it any easier. If she says yes, go with it. Have Fun. If she says no, well now you know & you never need to waste another moments thought on it. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/23 "2016-01-22T00:58:08Z")
> [@Death\_of\_Rats](#): > > You are better off regretting having asked, then regret never trying. This is usually correct, since if it doesn’t work normally you won’t see each other. Sharing an apartment - not so much. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/24 "2016-01-22T01:03:24Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Ask her for a date. Don’t ask her to be your girlfriend. Too much too early. Too early even for that. Look, OP, you talk to her, right? Find her interests. If there is a movie she wants to see, or bowling, or anything, suggest you go, just like you would your male roommate. Not a date. You don’t pay, you just hang out since stuff like this is more fun for two. She: I want to see Citizen Kane. You: Me too. It’s at the Paramount, want to go tomorrow? If she suddenly discovers she needs to wash her hair she’s not interested. If she says she is busy, how about next Tuesday, you’re good. Remember, it is not a date, it is hanging out. If she is interested you’ll know. I used this strategy very successfully when I was living in a dorm many years ago. I decided I wasn’t interested, but I stayed friends with all of them since it never got to a serious stage. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/25 "2016-01-22T01:16:39Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > She: I want to see Citizen Kane. Major red flag, IMO. That’s the most boring movie ever made. ---
**Author:** ![shaqil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5e9695/32.png) [@shaqil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shaqil)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/26 "2016-01-22T01:49:49Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > You will ask. She will answer. And You… will Know. > > Yes, that sucks. No, its not romantic. No, it doesn’t make it any easier. > > If she says yes, go with it. Have Fun. > If she says no, well now you know & you never need to waste another moments thought on it. you are right, I will do that, thanks ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/27 "2016-01-22T01:51:37Z")
Is she just a temporary roommate or a long-term one? I have had several female roommates (most of them very attractive) and I never hit on them or even thought of doing so. In my mind, once you are sharing a place together, they are more like pseudo-siblings than romantic interests and that is not a line I ever even thought about crossing at least not while we lived together. That isn’t to say we didn’t know each other well or we didn’t do fun things together either as a group or individually. We did all the time. I took them out to bars, restaurants and lots more on non-dates that other people assumed were dates. You can do the same thing in the beginning and maybe something will click but you have to let it happen naturally. Showing your hand too early is not a good idea and you shouldn’t be using that as a strategy to begin with. You have a rare opportunity to see someone at their best and worst in daily life even if you do have puppy love for her. I can guarantee you that some of it won’t be that great if you look at it objectively. Learn to be a trusted friend first and then try some outside activities with no romantic expectations because you are going to have to go back to the same place even if you blow it and make everything awkward. If romance is really in the cards, it will fall in place if you play it safe and slow. Otherwise, it wasn’t meant to be and you don’t create any unnecessary drama. There is nothing wrong with developing a friendship with a woman either even if that is all that ever comes of it. She may set you up with one of her friends once she trusts you that you like even more. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/28 "2016-01-22T01:54:50Z")
> [@shaqil](#): > > you are right, I will do that, thanks This will end well, I’m sure. ---
**Author:** ![shaqil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5e9695/32.png) [@shaqil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shaqil)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/29 "2016-01-22T01:54:58Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > Too early even for that. Look, OP, you talk to her, right? Find her interests. If there is a movie she wants to see, or bowling, or anything, suggest you go, just like you would your male roommate. Not a date. You don’t pay, you just hang out since stuff like this is more fun for two. > > She: I want to see Citizen Kane. > You: Me too. It’s at the Paramount, want to go tomorrow? > > If she suddenly discovers she needs to wash her hair she’s not interested. If she says she is busy, how about next Tuesday, you’re good. Remember, it is not a date, it is hanging out. > If she is interested you’ll know. I used this strategy very successfully when I was living in a dorm many years ago. I decided I wasn’t interested, but I stayed friends with all of them since it never got to a serious stage. > > Good luck. thanks ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/30 "2016-01-22T02:59:52Z")
If you ask her out on a date and ask her to be your girlfriend on that date, there’s a not at all negligible chance she’ll say “no”. And if she does, there’s a darned very good chance right after that she’ll start looking for a new place to live. Dating is a way to get to know someone. To see what interests you share and what you don’t share. Heck, you’ve got that already if you’re roommates. Let things just happen. Consider this, once you get over what I call the “Bloom” of this infatuation, you might start seeing some things you don’t like about her. Don’t go on dates, but there’s nothing wrong with checking out some restaurants, catching a movie, getting some pie and a cuppa coffee, or getting drinks together. In many ways, it’ll be easier than a date. You’ll do all the same stuff, but there’s no uncertainty about whether you should walk her to her door or not and there’s no doubt about whether you should try to kiss her goodnight (don’t try) at the door. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/31 "2016-01-22T03:52:41Z")
Important note: If the two girls hook up, it’s not OK for you to invite yourself to a threesome. Wait for them to ask you. ---
**Author:** ![drewder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@drewder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewder)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/32 "2016-01-22T04:16:50Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > Too early even for that. Look, OP, you talk to her, right? Find her interests. If there is a movie she wants to see, or bowling, or anything, suggest you go, just like you would your male roommate. Not a date. You don’t pay, you just hang out since stuff like this is more fun for two. > > She: I want to see Citizen Kane. > You: Me too. It’s at the Paramount, want to go tomorrow? > > If she suddenly discovers she needs to wash her hair she’s not interested. If she says she is busy, how about next Tuesday, you’re good. Remember, it is not a date, it is hanging out. > If she is interested you’ll know. I used this strategy very successfully when I was living in a dorm many years ago. I decided I wasn’t interested, but I stayed friends with all of them since it never got to a serious stage. > > Good luck. This is probably the best advice on here. Actually the best advice is NO (you really shouldn’t date someone whom you know you must see on a regular basis) but somehow I don’t think that will satisfy you. Remember though if you make it awkward that you should be the one who finds a new apartment don’t make her do it. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/33 "2016-01-22T04:26:15Z")
> [@shaqil](#): > > Hello, > I have a situation which I am not being able to cope. I am 28 years old and have never been in relationship. I am really shy and the other thing is I wanted to earn some money in life and then after that I would start thinking about myself. > I have been sharing this apartment with other male and now there are two more girls who started sharing the apartment with us. I really like the one and now I realize that I have wasted my time all the life. we do not see each other a lot in the apartment but when ever we see each other we jokes and have fun. But she is a jolly kind of person and she is always joking with the other roommates as well. I asked her one night if she is interested to watch a movie so she said yes and we watched a movie. that night she told me that she has just broke up with her boyfriend because he would not trust her. > I once asked her if she is interested as I am going to cook and we can have dinner together but she told me that she is going for walk and do not know when she will be back. > I am really interested in her and do not know what to do in this situation. Can you please advise me how should I approach her so that the things do not get messy between us. she has been sharing the apartment now for almost two weeks. > Thanks > Regards > Shaqil The best way to approach her if something lighthearted and fun: sneak up behind her and lick her on the ear or the neck. And not just a tiny little tongue touch, a big, slobbery, dog-lick. This will break the ice and let her know you’re interested in a fun and playful way. There’s no possible way she could resist that. Another suggestion is to just go into her bedroom stand in the doorway – at a respectable distance of course – and just stare at her while she sleeps.you’ll want to make a little bit of noise if she doesn’t wake up and notice you. That will show her how deeply interested in her you are. One last thing – make sure you leave any computer or cell phone/tablet that you own open to pictures of naked women. This will show her how much she can trust you and how much you trust her because this way, see, you’re showing her you have no secrets. Any of these things are guaranteed to get a reaction from her, but all of them together, well, you can just imagine!! ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/34 "2016-01-22T04:30:57Z")
> [@drewder](#): > > This is probably the best advice on here. Actually the best advice is NO (you really shouldn’t date someone whom you know you must see on a regular basis) but somehow I don’t think that will satisfy you. The real best advice is actually to never date anyone, ever. But I guess that unless we’re willing to live in [burning houses](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SF9yFCSICE8) now and then, the human race is doomed to extinction. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/35 "2016-01-22T04:34:53Z")
> [@Fenris](#): > > Another suggestion is to just go into her bedroom stand in the doorway – at a respectable distance of course – and just stare at her while she sleeps.you’ll want to make a little bit of noise if she doesn’t wake up and notice you. That will show her how deeply interested in her you are. Those are all good tips but this one is especially effective. You left out the important part though. You have to make yourself really pale, nocturnal and distant even while present. If that doesn’t work, make her obey you in bondage. Punish her for ‘bad’ behavior by spanking her and tying her up. She will grow to love you for it especially if she is sexually inexperienced. You could also write up your experiences as casual erotica but I doubt they would sell any copies. It is anti-feminist and demeaning to almost all women. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/36 "2016-01-22T04:47:56Z")
Since the thread has gone there- [_Do I Creep You Out?_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_U377vst5o) ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/37 "2016-01-22T04:52:21Z")
Don’t ask her out on a date. Ask her if she wants to “hang out” like you would with the male roommate, like mentioned up thread. Asking her out on a date puts a lot of pressure and weirdness on people you live with. Just keep asking her if she wants to see a cool movie or go to some cool place but ask like she is just a friend. **Take your time. Let things develop naturally over time.** Like you are learning to swim. If you don’t know how to swim and you jump in the deep end you’ll drown. You start in the shallow end and **over time** work your up to the deep end. Eventually you’ll find out if she is interested in you. If so you are cool beans and then you ask her on a date. If she is not interested then hey you have a friend to go see movies or go bowling with. Win/win. Remember the best relationships are where the people are also good friends with similar interests. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/38 "2016-01-22T05:06:03Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > Important note: If the two girls hook up, it’s not OK for you to invite yourself to a threesome. Wait for them to ask you. “I believe the French call it a ménage a trois…?” ---
**Author:** ![drewder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@drewder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewder)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/39 "2016-01-22T05:25:15Z")
> [@Fenris](#): > > One last thing – make sure you leave any computer or cell phone/tablet that you own open to pictures of naked women. This will show her how much she can trust you and how much you trust her because this way, see, you’re showing her you have no secrets. Even better if it’s pictures of her naked. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2016, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824/40 "2016-01-22T07:10:32Z")
Give her a note that says, “Do You Like Me?” and then put “Yes” and “No” below where she can circle them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shall-i-ask-her-out/743824.md?page=3)