# Shape-Shifting Jesus **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 13, 2013, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814 "2013-03-13T13:12:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/1 "2013-03-13T13:12:33Z")
> **[Yahoo News: Latest and Breaking News, Headlines, Live Updates, and More](https://news.yahoo.com/)** > > The latest news and headlines from Yahoo News. Get breaking news stories and in-depth coverage with videos and photos. > [@](#): > > A newly deciphered Egyptian text, dating back almost 1,200 years, tells part of the crucifixion story of Jesus with apocryphal plot twists, some of which have never been seen before. > > Written in the Coptic language, the ancient text tells of Pontius Pilate, the judge who authorized Jesus’ crucifixion, having dinner with Jesus before his crucifixion and offering to sacrifice his own son in the place of Jesus. It also explains why Judas used a kiss, specifically, to betray Jesus — because Jesus had the ability to change shape, according to the text — and it puts the day of the arrest of Jesus on Tuesday evening rather than Thursday evening, something that contravenes the Easter timeline. > … > While apocryphal stories about Pilate are known from ancient times, van den Broek wrote in an email to LiveScience that he has never seen this one before, with Pilate offering to sacrifice his own son in the place of Jesus. > > “Without further ado, Pilate prepared a table and he ate with Jesus on the fifth day of the week. And Jesus blessed Pilate and his whole house,” reads part of the text in translation. Pilate later tells Jesus, “well then, behold, the night has come, rise and withdraw, and when the morning comes and they accuse me because of you, I shall give them the only son I have so that they can kill him in your place.” [Who Was Jesus, the Man?] > > In the text, Jesus comforts him, saying, “Oh Pilate, you have been deemed worthy of a great grace because you have shown a good disposition to me.” Jesus also showed Pilate that he can escape if he chose to. “Pilate, then, looked at Jesus and, behold, he became incorporeal: He did not see him for a long time …” the text read. > > Pilate and his wife both have visions that night that show an eagle (representing Jesus) being killed. > > In the Coptic and Ethiopian churches, Pilate is regarded as a saint, which explains the sympathetic portrayal in the text, van den Broek writes. > > The reason for Judas using a kiss > > In the canonical bible the apostle Judas betrays Jesus in exchange for money by using a kiss to identify him leading to Jesus’ arrest. This apocryphal tale explains that the reason Judas used a kiss, specifically, is because Jesus had the ability to change shape. > > “Then the Jews said to Judas: How shall we arrest him [Jesus], for he does not have a single shape but his appearance changes. Sometimes he is ruddy, sometimes he is white, sometimes he is red, sometimes he is wheat coloured, sometimes he is pallid like ascetics, sometimes he is a youth, sometimes an old man …” This leads Judas to suggest using a kiss as a means to identify him. If Judas had given the arresters a description of Jesus he could have changed shape. By kissing Jesus Judas tells the people exactly who he is. [Religious Mysteries: 8 Alleged Relics of Jesus] > > This understanding of Judas’ kiss goes way back. “This explanation of Judas’ kiss is first found in Origen [a theologian who lived A.D. 185-254],” van den Broek writes. In his work, Contra Celsum the ancient writerOrigen, stated that “to those who saw him [Jesus] he did not appear alike to all.” ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/2 "2013-03-13T13:49:49Z")
Interesting. ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/3 "2013-03-13T14:46:52Z")
From the above, linked article: > [@](#): > > In fact, in this text, Jesus’ actual Last Supper appears to be with Pontius Pilate So the famous painting by Michelangelo really was called, “The Penultimate Supper”. It looks like [Monty Python](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-v-f2mT94Y) was right. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/4 "2013-03-13T14:48:03Z")
So Jesus was the Martian Manhunter? ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/5 "2013-03-13T14:49:49Z")
This makes me even more convinced that the Bible was really just fan fiction. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/6 "2013-03-13T15:57:47Z")
> [@Dragwyr](#): > > This makes me even more convinced that the Bible was really just fan fiction. LOL, a parchment version of [Archive of Our Own](http://archiveofourown.org/) … but I draw the line at Jesus/Thomas slash … there isn’t enough brainbleach in the world!:eek:😛 ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Panda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ee7513/32.png) [@Darth\_Panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Panda)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/7 "2013-03-13T16:03:54Z")
So, if God made man in his image, and Jesus is a shapeshifter, and God is Jesus, then we were all made in the image of a shapeshifter. That’s really helpful. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/8 "2013-03-13T16:05:45Z")
I am Jesus! ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Panda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ee7513/32.png) [@Darth\_Panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Panda)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/9 "2013-03-13T16:12:10Z")
Chimeras aren’t shapeshifters! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/10 "2013-03-13T16:42:18Z")
> [@Darth\_Panda](#): > > So, if God made man in his image, and Jesus is a shapeshifter, and God is Jesus, then we were all made in the image of a shapeshifter. > > That’s really helpful. He shifted into the shape of a guy while making people, and shifted into the shape of an eel when making eels, and so on, and so forth, and platypus, amen. ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/11 "2013-03-13T16:51:44Z")
> [@Mollie\_Magill](#): > > So Jesus was the Martian Manhunter? Mmm. Makes me wonder what we would see in the stats section for Big J in a Role Playing Game handbook. 😃 _ **Trans Fat Og, formerly True Blue Jack, the Boner of Salvation** _ ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/12 "2013-03-13T16:58:27Z")
Hmph. Obi-Wan could do the same thing. Big deal! The Force gives you power over weak minds. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![appleciders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@appleciders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/appleciders)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/13 "2013-03-13T17:03:44Z")
It’s an interesting text, but let’s keep this in perspective, folks; this is 1,200 years old. It’s as far removed from Jesus as we are from the Magna Carta. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/14 "2013-03-13T17:05:46Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > I am Jesus! I am a square. Wait, I am a triangle. Hold on, here’s the tricky one: I am an octogon! ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/15 "2013-03-13T17:06:38Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > The Force gives you power over weak minds. :dubious: “This is not the King of the Jews you seek…” ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/16 "2013-03-13T17:10:29Z")
1,200 years is ‘ancient’? ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/17 "2013-03-13T17:11:47Z")
> [@Mollie\_Magill](#): > > So Jesus was the Martian Manhunter? And here I thought of Dream from Sandman. Now, let’s see. If it dates back almost 1200 years, that’s some time after 813 CE. That makes it after Charlemagne was declared Emperor, so that’s early medieval, rather than ancient. Describing it as Jesus fan fiction is apt. I don’t know how common it was, but I’ve heard of other medieval writing that added to the Jesus story. The one I can think of off hand is a story about His childhood. In that story, the other children in the neighborhood mocked his Mother, possibly for irregularities regarding his birth. He got angry and they all fell down dead. Then Mary came out and chided Him, and He resurrected them all. No cites, I’m afraid. I probably picked it up in a Medieval Studies lecture, but can’t swear to it. It makes me not at all surprised by the new story, although I have to say that the shapeshifter bit is a fun addition. ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Panda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ee7513/32.png) [@Darth\_Panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Panda)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/18 "2013-03-13T17:12:14Z")
> [@appleciders](#): > > It’s an interesting text, but let’s keep this in perspective, folks; this is 1,200 years old. It’s as far removed from Jesus as we are from the Magna Carta. Umm, if you’re making the case that we should discount this because the writers of that document were only as familiar with that event as we are with the Magna Carta, you might not be making the point that you want to be. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shape-shifting-jesus/652814/19 "2013-03-13T17:15:11Z")
It’s settled, from now on my go-to will be “Jesus Shapeshifting Christ!”