# Share something vulgar, crude, tasteless, and HILARIOUS **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 6, 2009, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868 "2009-10-06T23:28:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Apollyon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/apollyon/32/4238_2.png) [@Apollyon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apollyon)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/21 "2009-10-07T05:24:45Z")
> [@Picard\_Kills\_Kirk](#): > > Ugh, this joke is so repulsive I am putting the entire thing in a spoiler box. > > [spoiler]Q. What is better than having sex with a six year old girl? > A. Turning her over and pretending its a six year old boy. > > Q. What is better than having sex with a six year old boy? > A. Nothing.[/spoiler] I’ll see you and raise you… Q. What’s the best thing about having sex with six year old girls? A. There are six of them. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/22 "2009-10-07T05:27:50Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > Here is my very favorite dirty joke: > > What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? > > cough, cough 😕 Here’s one I heard from my uncle when we were all sitting around telling filthy jokes at a family gathering: Did you hear about the miraculously aging girl? She was 8 before she was 7 ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/23 "2009-10-07T07:52:37Z")
A man and small boy are walking deep into a darkened forest in the middle of the night. The boy squeezes the man’s hand harder and says “jeepers mister, it sure is scary in here”. “You think you’re scared? I have to walk out of here alone!” Sometimes it’s a joke grenade, just give it a minute. ---
**Author:** ![Maiira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f04885/32.png) [@Maiira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maiira)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/24 "2009-10-07T08:03:27Z")
Dunno about “hilarious,” but some of the more vulgar ones that I’ve heard. What’s red, white, and bounces up and down? A baby in a blender. What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a convertible in my garage? I don’t have a convertible in my garage. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you just told her twice. ---
**Author:** ![Apollyon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/apollyon/32/4238_2.png) [@Apollyon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apollyon)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 8:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/25 "2009-10-07T08:10:59Z")
> [@Maiira](#): > > What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a convertible in my garage? > > I don’t have a convertible in my garage. Ah yes, the classic “pile of dead babies” jokes… What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pile of sand? You can’t use a pitchfork on a pile of sand. ---
**Author:** ![Shig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Shig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shig)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/26 "2009-10-07T11:03:43Z")
A man goes to his family doctor and says “I need birth control pills for my 12 year old daughter.” The doctor replies “Your 12 year old daughter is sexually active?” The man answers, “Well I wouldn’t really call it _active_, she kinda just lays there like her mom does.” ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/27 "2009-10-07T12:11:44Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#): > > A man and small boy are walking deep into a darkened forest in the middle of the night. > > The boy squeezes the man’s hand harder and says “jeepers mister, it sure is scary in here”. > > “You think you’re scared? I have to walk out of here alone!” > Sometimes it’s a joke grenade, just give it a minute. Now THAT one I laughed at… ---
**Author:** ![Red\_Skeezix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/aca169/32.png) [@Red\_Skeezix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Red_Skeezix)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/28 "2009-10-07T12:19:08Z")
> [@Apollyon](#): > > Ah yes, the classic “pile of dead babies” jokes… > > What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pile of sand? > > You can’t use a pitchfork on a pile of sand. What’s the difference between your grandmother and a newborn? Your grandmother doesn’t cry when I fuck her in the ass. ETA: First one I posted was a repeat. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/29 "2009-10-07T12:56:12Z")
The thread immediately following this one as I type is “Ted Williams’ Head Batted Around.” ---
**Author:** ![Walker\_in\_Eternity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/46a35a/32.png) [@Walker\_in\_Eternity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walker_in_Eternity)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/30 "2009-10-07T13:02:58Z")
> [@Apollyon](#): > > Ah yes, the classic “pile of dead babies” jokes… > > What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pile of sand? > > You can’t use a pitchfork on a pile of sand. Those jokes are told slightly differently in the UK. For example: What’s the difference between a lorry load of marbles and a lorry load of babies? You can’t pitchfork marbles What’s green and turns red at the flick of a switch? Kermit in a liquidiser What’s pink and turns red at the flick of a switch? Miss Piggy (or a baby) in a liquidiser. ---
**Author:** ![Paintcharge](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/paintcharge/32/7946_2.png) [@Paintcharge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paintcharge)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/31 "2009-10-07T13:05:39Z")
This one was told to me by one of the nicest people I know. How do you make a small boy cry twice? Wipe you bloody cock on his teddy bear. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/32 "2009-10-07T13:30:07Z")
Below is my NUCLEAR OPTION sick joke. I use this only in the company of people I already know have a twisted mind, and who haven’t the slightest chance of taking me seriously. What’s blue and fucks old people? Hypothermia. What’s blue and fucks children? Me, in my lucky blue suit! ---
**Author:** ![Shig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Shig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shig)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/33 "2009-10-07T13:49:27Z")
> [@Walker\_in\_Eternity](#): > > Those jokes are told slightly differently in the UK. > > For example: > > What’s the difference between a lorry load of marbles and a lorry load of babies? This version wouldn’t work here in the U.S., Walker. We don’t have lorry loads here. OK, so we probably do, but I’ve never ever heard the word “lorry”. Now I have to look it up, dammit. I’m back now and slightly confused. You would call a pickup truck a “lorry”? This from the people that call a vagina a “fanny”! :dubious:😃 ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/34 "2009-10-07T13:52:27Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > 😕 When she got to the ball(s), she was gagging on his dick. ---
**Author:** ![Jettboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/85e7bf/32.png) [@Jettboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jettboy)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/35 "2009-10-07T14:30:03Z")
Once a guy was jogging in the park in the early morning hours. As he rounded the lake in the center of the park, he heard a sound like someone crying over in the bushes. Curious, the jogger looked behind the bushes and saw a young woman with no arms and no legs crying as though her heart was breaking. “Are you OK?” he asked, “What’s wrong?” “Yeah, I’m OK, I guess,” she replied, “I just suddenly realized that I’m almost 30 and I’ve never been fucked.” The jogger glances around to make sure no one is watching. He picks the woman up and throws her into the lake. “You’re fucked NOW, baby!” he shouts. ---
**Author:** ![tim-n-va](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim-n-va/32/3001_2.png) [@tim-n-va](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim-n-va)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/36 "2009-10-07T14:50:44Z")
I just thought of this one this morning when I heard that Chris Evert was divorcing golfer Greg Norman. She probably wanted someone who takes more strokes per hole. ---
**Author:** ![Walker\_in\_Eternity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/46a35a/32.png) [@Walker\_in\_Eternity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walker_in_Eternity)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/37 "2009-10-07T15:16:40Z")
> [@Shig](#): > > This version wouldn’t work here in the U.S., Walker. We don’t have lorry loads here. OK, so we probably do, but I’ve never ever heard the word “lorry”. Now I have to look it up, dammit. I’m back now and slightly confused. You would call a pickup truck a “lorry”? This from the people that call a vagina a “fanny”! :dubious:😃 Yes a lorry is a generic name for a goods vehicle of almost any size bigger than a van or pickup truck (see here a pickup is basically a flatbed van). As for the whole fanny thing, makes me howl when I hear people saying “smacked her on the fanny” or something similar. I’d love to know how these differences came about, given that we generously bequeathed our translatlantic cousins their language. ---
**Author:** ![Gesturing\_Mildly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/65b543/32.png) [@Gesturing\_Mildly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gesturing_Mildly)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/38 "2009-10-07T15:23:55Z")
Q: What’s the worst thing about fucking a five-year old? A: Trying to talk dirty over the sound of her ribs cracking. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_Meatloaf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Sir\_Meatloaf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_Meatloaf)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/39 "2009-10-07T16:18:24Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > Below is my NUCLEAR OPTION sick joke. _creeps in, peers around_ Ahem . . . what’s the definition of necrophilia? The irresistible urge to pop open a cold one. _goes back to lurking_ ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2009, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/40 "2009-10-07T16:19:36Z")
> [@Gesturing\_Mildly](#): > > Q: What’s the worst thing about fucking a five-year old? > A: Trying to talk dirty over the sound of her ribs cracking. I thought it was trying to get the blood stains off your clown suit. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868.md?page=3)