# Share something vulgar, crude, tasteless, and HILARIOUS **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 6, 2009, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868 "2009-10-06T23:28:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/81 "2009-10-09T15:48:57Z")
Whenever somebody tells me they’re anxious or nervous about meeting a significant other’s parents for the first time I always suggest they tell this joke to immediately warm them up, let them know you enjoy being with their son or daughter, and have a great sense of humor: You know what’s even better than fucking twenty-five-year-olds? Fucking Twenty-one five-year-olds. Obviously for the parents to appreciate your great sense of humor the joke needs to be tailored to your significant other’s age. Sadly nobody has ever taken my advice and broken the ice with that joke ☹ ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/82 "2009-10-09T17:55:08Z")
> [@A Monkey With a Gun](#): > > What do all battered women have in common? > > They don’t fucking listen That’s not funny at all. I used to volunteer at Tempura House, a shelter for lightly battered women. ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/83 "2009-10-09T18:27:41Z")
This one’s tasteless/offensive in the sense that I’d only tell it to a Christian with a good sense of humor: St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in. After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks oddly familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, “I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly.” Jesus wells up with emotion. He whispers, “Daddy?” The old man says, “Pinocchio?” ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/84 "2009-10-09T19:25:51Z")
> [@lost4life](#): > > That’s not funny at all. I used to volunteer at Tempura House, a shelter for lightly battered women. Woulda gone better with post #76. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Red\_Skeezix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/aca169/32.png) [@Red\_Skeezix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Red_Skeezix)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/85 "2009-10-09T20:33:59Z")
Well, since we’ve already opened the racist door… A black guy and a gay guy are sitting at a bar getting drunk and shooting the shit when the gay says to the black guy, “Hey, how about I take you out in the alley and give you a blow job?” So the black guy follows the gay guy outside and proceeds to beat the living shit out of him. He returns to the bar and sits down when the bartender asks him, "Why the hell did you beat that guy up? " To which the black guy responds, “He was trying to give me some kind of job.” ---
**Author:** ![HookerChemical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/278dde/32.png) [@HookerChemical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HookerChemical)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/86 "2009-10-09T21:30:54Z")
How do you make a skeleton? Put a leaper in a wind tunnel. How do you make sausage? Put a sock at the end of the tunnel. ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee7513/32.png) [@Mona\_Lott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lott)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/87 "2009-10-09T21:37:25Z")
What is incest? That’s the game the whole family can play. ---
**Author:** ![Tixenfleaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9a140/32.png) [@Tixenfleaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tixenfleaz)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/88 "2009-10-09T21:57:08Z")
This is one I’ve never shared in mixed company: What’s blue and hard and makes women scream? Crib death. ---
**Author:** ![tattman40](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/db5fbb/32.png) [@tattman40](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tattman40)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/89 "2009-10-09T23:19:39Z")
Two Iranian women are shopping in the produce aisle. They get to the potatoes and one woman says…“These remind me of my husband’s testicles”. Other woman says…“That big??” “No…That dirty” ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2009, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/90 "2009-10-09T23:49:29Z")
> [@HookerChemical](#): > > How do you make a skeleton? > > Put a leaper in a wind tunnel. > > How do you make sausage? > > Put a sock at the end of the tunnel. Those aren’t offensive, just really, really gross. Where’s the puking smiley when you need it? 😛 Why were Helen Keller’s legs yellow? Because her dog was blind too Neo-Nazi: So, my plan is to be the next Hitler. My plan is to kill all the Jews and one clown. Other guy: Why the clown? Neo-Nazi: See? Nobody cares about the Jews! ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2009, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/91 "2009-10-10T00:09:22Z")
Given the cat loving nature of these boards this is gonna push the envelope. How can you make a cat sound like a dog? Douse it with gasoline and toss a match at it- WHOOOFF! ---
**Author:** ![racer72](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/racer72/32/3075_2.png) [@racer72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racer72)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2009, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/92 "2009-10-10T00:22:59Z")
Why do tampons have strings? So the crabs can bungie jump. ---
**Author:** ![janis\_and\_c0](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janis_and_c0/32/21_2.png) [@janis\_and\_c0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/janis_and_c0)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2009, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/93 "2009-10-10T01:56:56Z")
> [@Claude\_Remains](#): > > Given the cat loving nature of these boards this is gonna push the envelope. > > How can you make a cat sound like a dog? > Douse it with gasoline and toss a match at it- WHOOOFF! Oh yeah? How do you make a dog sound like a cat? Freeze it and take a chainsaw to it - meeewooooowwwwwww ---
**Author:** ![HubZilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ccd318/32.png) [@HubZilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HubZilla)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2009, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/94 "2009-10-10T02:48:03Z")
How do you circumcise a leper? You shake them Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms Embalmer one: This girl has a shrimp in her pussy! Embalmer two: No, that’s her clitoris Embalmer one:Well, it tasted like a shrimp ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2009, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/95 "2009-10-10T03:10:46Z")
You know you have a pretty decent sperm count when your girlfriend has to chew before she can swallow. ---
**Author:** ![Neverender](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/848f3c/32.png) [@Neverender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neverender)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2009, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/96 "2009-10-10T11:10:49Z")
Did you know the instructions accompanying Viagra states “keep away from children”? What on earth do they think? That I wouldn’t be able to maintain an erection with a child…? ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2009, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/97 "2009-10-10T20:22:01Z")
What’s the sound of an Asian woman sliding down a stair bannister? (flicks finger over lips) blb-blb-blb-blb-blb… what do you get when you cross a Polock with a Mexican? a kid who spray-paints graffitti on chain link fences. How can you tell the racist water sprinklers? They go “chink, chink, chink, cink, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger.” What sentence is always found in newspaper write-ups of Irish weddings? “among the injured were…” ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2009, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/98 "2009-10-10T22:29:15Z")
> [@lost4life](#): > > I stole this one from a different thread, so thanks to whoever posted it. > > Why did Michael Jackson hold his baby over the balcony? > > To taunt Eric Clapton. > > It takes some people a few seconds, but I am always crowned the sickest person in the bar. Explain. ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/99 "2009-10-11T00:27:03Z")
> [@treis](#): > > Explain. > **[The Truth about Clapton and the death of our son](https://eric-clapton.co.uk/interviewsandarticles/loryinterview.htm)** ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2009, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868/100 "2009-10-11T00:38:43Z")
> [@lost4life](#): > > I stole this one from a different thread, so thanks to whoever posted it. > > Why did Michael Jackson hold his baby over the balcony? > > To taunt Eric Clapton. > > It takes some people a few seconds, but I am always crowned the sickest person in the bar. Milk and cookie bar at a middle school? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-something-vulgar-crude-tasteless-and-hilarious/512868.md?page=6)