# share you favorite sex related joke **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 7, 2013, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672 "2013-05-07T01:40:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/101 "2013-05-10T19:42:05Z")
The Godfather calls his capo Guido into his office and tells him to shut the door. “Guido,” he says, “is your loyalty to me unconditional?” “Godfather!” says Guido. “You know I’d do anything for you!” The Godfather nods and hands Guido a teacup. “Take this into the bathroom and jerk off into it.” Guido does as he’s told and brings the cup back into the office. The Godfather looks into it, nods, and hands Guido a second teacup. “Now go and jerk off into this,” he orders. Again, Guido does as he’s told. The scenario is repeated three more times until Guido is a shambling wreck. The Godfather nods in satisfaction. “Now, then,” he says, “drive my daughter to the airport.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/102 "2013-05-10T19:47:27Z")
A gorgeous woman is standing on the train platform in Philadelphia when she’s approached by a traveling salesman. “Look,” he says, “my train for Chicago leaves in forty-five minutes, so I don’t have time to fart around. Do you want to fuck or not?” The woman looks him up and down cooly and says “Well, normally I wouldn’t … but you just talked me into it!” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/103 "2013-05-10T19:53:22Z")
The phone rings in an elderly woman’s apartment. She picks it up and hears heavy breathing at the other end of the line. “Hold on a minute, young man!” she says. “I want to get a cup of coffee and a cigarette.” ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/104 "2013-05-10T19:55:17Z")
Three pregnant blondes are meeting for lunch. Blonde #1 says “I was on top when we conceived, so we’re going to have a boy.” Blonde #2 says “My husband was on top when we conceived, so we’re going to have a girl.” The third blonde bursts into tears… “We’re going to have puppies!!!” ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/105 "2013-05-10T20:02:00Z")
A man and a woman are lying naked in bed after sex, and he’s nuzzling her thighs. He sighs, and looks up at her and says “I’m really sorry but we have to break up, your pussy’s just too loose. I’m really sorry but we have to break up, your pussy’s just too loose” “Well, you asshole, you didn’t have to say it twice!” She yells. “That’s just it… I didn’t!” he responds. ~rimshot~ ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/106 "2013-05-10T20:07:26Z")
A gorgeous woman is on a South Seas cruise when the liner runs aground on a reef and sinks, leaving her as the only survivor. She manages to swim to a nearby island and is wading ashore when a young man comes running out of the jungle. “Oh, my God,” he says, “thank heaven you’re here! I’ve been stranded on this island alone for the last ten years, after my parents’ boat sank on that same reef!” The woman is astonished. “You’ve been here alone since you were a little boy? How have you managed to survive?” The young man shrugs. “I make shelters out of palm leaves, pick fruit, dig clams…” “Yeah,” she says, “but what about sex?” “Sex? What’s that?” “Well, come here, I’ll show you!” She pulls him down onto the sand and they get it on right there on the beach. After they’ve finished, she lays back and smiles. “How’d you like that?” she asks. “I liked it fine,” says the young man, “but look what it did to my clam-digger!” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/107 "2013-05-10T20:29:55Z")
A young dude takes out a different chick every Friday night but never manages to score. At the same time, he has a buddy who takes a different chick out every Friday night and always manages to score. He finally gets so frustrated that he decides to ask his buddy for advice. “No problem,” says his buddy. “What I did was paint a little white dot on my dashboard.” The first dude is confused. “A little white dot? How does that help?” “Well, the two of us are parked, sitting in the front seat, and sooner or later she asks what the little white dot is for. I say ‘Oh, I see you’ve noticed my little white dot.’ So we start talking about the dot, then about white things in general, then about abstract things like virginity, and from then on it’s easy!” “That’s a great idea!” says the first dude. He hurries home and paints a little white dot on the dashboard of his own car. Friday night, he’s sitting parked in his car with a new chick. After a few minutes of small talk, she says “Tell me … why do you have a little white dot on your dashboard?” “Oh!” says the dude. “I see you’ve noticed my little white dot!” “You wanna fuck?” ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/108 "2013-05-10T20:31:28Z")
Heard this said by a comedian on the radio: “My fairy godmother gave me the choice of having a long penis or a long memory. I don’t remember which I chose.” ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/109 "2013-05-10T20:48:50Z")
> [@sahirrnee](#): > > Bob and Sue just got married and tonight is the big night. > > Slowly they start to undress. > > Bob removes his shoes and socks and Sue looks over and sees his malformed feet with twisted toes. > > OMG, what happened to your feet! > > Bob explains that when he was a child he had caught tolio and it left his feet weak and mishapened. > > Sue said, “_TOLIO_, I’ve never head of that are you sure you don’t mean polio?” > > Bob said, “No it affected my toes, I had tolio”. > > They continue to undress and Sue looks over and there are red spots all over Bobs knees. > > OMG! Bob, what happened to your knees?. > > Bob explained that when he was child he had had neasles. > > Sue said, “I’ve never heard of neasles, you must mean measles.” > > Bob said, “No, it affected my knees, I had neasles”. > > Finally they are totally undress and Sue looks over at Bob and says > > Wait, don’t tell me > > when you were a child you had > > Small Cocks! Came in here to post that joke. It works a little better if the husband had a rare form of polio (or tonsilitis) called “toelio” (or “toesilitis”) and a rare form of measles called “kneesles”. The punchline then becomes, “Wait, let me guess, when you were a child, you had a rare form of smallpox…”. Implied puns are funnier. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/110 "2013-05-10T21:23:59Z")
How does a Frenchwoman hold her liquor? By the ears. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/111 "2013-05-10T21:26:08Z")
Ever smelled mothballs? How did you get their little legs apart? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/112 "2013-05-10T21:39:51Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > “Oh!” says the dude. “I see you’ve noticed my little white dot!” > > “You wanna fuck?” The joke has a different effect depending on which character is saying the punchline. Which character is saying the punchline? ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/113 "2013-05-10T22:00:28Z")
> [@CookingWithGas](#): > > The joke has a different effect depending on which character is saying the punchline. > > Which character is saying the punchline? They’re both good. Lot’s of jokes have ambiguous or multi-mode endings like that. Best ending just depends on who is telling the joke to whom. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/114 "2013-05-10T22:11:42Z")
> [@CookingWithGas](#): > > The joke has a different effect depending on which character is saying the punchline. > > Which character is saying the punchline? He is. ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/115 "2013-05-10T22:44:25Z")
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress. Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you like under there?” Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, “Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.” After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p.m. sharp. After paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: “Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?” With a lump in her throat Sue answered “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.” Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?” Sue, using her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.” Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.” ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/116 "2013-05-10T23:27:59Z")
I know. You shouldn’t nitpick jokes. But that joke has never worked for me. The $500 Jim gave Sue was for sex. So it didn’t count as the $500 he owed Bob to repay the loan. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2013, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/117 "2013-05-10T23:32:16Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > I know. You shouldn’t nitpick jokes. But that joke has never worked for me. > > The $500 Jim gave Sue was for sex. So it didn’t count as the $500 he owed Bob to repay the loan. Yeah, but Bob doesn’t know that, and no way is Sue going to tell him. ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2013, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/118 "2013-05-11T04:33:40Z")
An auto mechanic is in his shop just before lunch one day and a car pulls in with smoke coming from under the hood. The car door opens and a penguin hops out. The penguin says, “I was driving down the road and heard this loud noise and the engine started running really rough, and smoke started coming from the engine compartment. Can you take a look at it?” The mechanic says, “Sure – it’ll take an hour or so.” The penguin sees a seafood restaurant across the street and says, “Okay, go ahead and get started… I’ll go grab some lunch.” An hour later, the penguin comes back. The mechanic looks up and sees him, and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin says, “WHAT the fuck did you just say to me? Why, I oughta…” then he looks down at himself and says, “Oh. OH. No, that’s just tartar sauce.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2013, 8:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/119 "2013-05-11T08:51:43Z")
A guy walks into a bar and asks for six shots of the strongest vodka they have. The bartender puts six shots on the bar and the guy immediately knocks them back one by one. “Whoa, slow down there!” says the bartender. “Rough day?” The guy looks up and says “Today was my first blowjob.” “Ahhh,” says the bartender knowingly. “You’re celebrating!” “Hell, no!” says the guy. “I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2013, 8:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672/120 "2013-05-11T08:58:57Z")
> [@RitterSport](#): > > So, he asks the guy right out – “Sir, I didn’t mean to look, but I couldn’t help noticing you have a “Wy” tattooed on your penis. By any chance, do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?” > > The Jamaican gentleman says: > > “No, no, mon. It says ‘Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day.’” The way I heard it, the girlfriend name was “Wendie,” and the tattoo read “Welcome to Jamaica, hope you have a wonderful time!” 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-you-favorite-sex-related-joke/657672.md?page=7)