# Share your "Almost Live" love **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 26, 2003, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612 "2003-06-26T20:39:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/1 "2003-06-26T20:39:14Z")
Inspired by the Bill Nye thread over in MPSIMS, I thought I’d post a thread for all us Seattle-area folks to reminisce about the glory that was Almost Live. I was so irritated when I moved all the way out here to Seattle, only to have Almost Live cancelled a few short years later. Not that I moved out here specifically because of it, or anything, but still. The Seattle metal community says: “LAME! LAME! LAME!” I think my favorite skit was Simile School: Bob: “Wow, this is a really fast car. This car is as fast as… a really, really fast car.” Announcer: “Does someone you know need to go to Simile School?” (As an aside: does anyone happen to know why Almost Live was cancelled? It took me a few episodes into the season afterward to realize that they were just showing re-runs from the late '80s instead of new shows. I couldn’t figure out why everyone in the studio audience had such big hair and retro clothing on. :smack: ) ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/2 "2003-06-26T20:52:51Z")
I had the hots for one of the chicks on that show. Don’t remember her name. It was kinda strange, because she was no real beauty, but something about her was very sexy in an “older woman in full bloom, best-friend’s mom” kind of way. The bald guy was pretty funny, too. I didn’t like the anouncer dude, however and was glad they kept him out of most skits. * * * Fagjunk Theology: Not just for sodomite propagandists anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Horatio\_Hellpop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Horatio\_Hellpop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatio_Hellpop)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/3 "2003-06-26T22:48:41Z")
I think John Keister (the bald guy) was a local weatherman with lots of thick black hair before he landed this gig. The Comedy Central version expurgated all the seattle-only references, which was the best part of the show: Who can forget gems like “Great Chefs of Renton”? ---
**Author:** ![vl\_mungo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc8723/32.png) [@vl\_mungo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vl_mungo)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/4 "2003-06-26T23:08:59Z")
During it’s heyday it was one of the funniest shows on television. Even though I don’t/didn’t live in Seattle, I enjoyed the local references… The Kent Driving School (Hey! Where’s the fire… you’re driving well over 10 miles per hour), was funny no matter where you lived. They did great work with a shoestring budget. I think the show “jumped the shark” when the guy who played the stoned characters left. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/5 "2003-06-26T23:10:26Z")
I liked the younger woman. Don’t quite know why. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/6 "2003-06-26T23:32:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mr. Blue Sky \* > \*\*I liked the younger woman. Don’t quite know why. \*\* Isn’t that weird? They were both kinda hot, but I just can’t put my finger on what it was (I suppose if I asked nice they might think about it!) about them. If you passed them on the street, you wouldn’t even look a third time, but there was definatly _something_ about them! I liked the (goo-e-duck) spoofs and the slug skits. * * * Insert sig here ---
**Author:** ![zoltar7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b38774/32.png) [@zoltar7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoltar7)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/7 "2003-06-26T23:43:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gatopescado \* > \*\*I had the hots for one of the chicks on that show. Don’t remember her name. It was kinda strange, because she was no real beauty, but something about her was very sexy in an “older woman in full bloom, best-friend’s mom” kind of way. > \*\* [Tracey Conway](http://www.seattlebookings.com/Tracey%20Conway.html) > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mr. Blue Sky \* > \*\*I liked the younger woman. Don’t quite know why. \*\* [Nancy Guppy](http://www.kmps.com/n_jocks_nancy.shtml) ---
**Author:** ![panamajack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/47e85d/32.png) [@panamajack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panamajack)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2003, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/8 "2003-06-26T23:49:06Z")
Even though I hadn’t seen it for a long time, I knew the show had to have been canceled the day I saw an advertisement for ‘COPS’ in Kent – and it was the actual FOX show. I could be wrong, but I think the Comedy Central version was not “Almost Live” but “Haywire” (or maybe a mix of the two). “Haywire” shared some cast members, like John Keister, but didn’t have any Seattle-specific sketches. It added segments with “Billy Kwan”, a parody of old Kung Fu movies which was usually fairly funny. It was _almost_ “Almost Live”. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/9 "2003-06-27T00:01:27Z")
God, I miss that show! I loved the Lame List, Speedwalker, The Worst Girlfriend in the World, COPS on Mercer Island… ---
**Author:** ![nitroglycerine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c5a1d2/32.png) [@nitroglycerine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nitroglycerine)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/10 "2003-06-27T00:15:12Z")
The pack of reporters sketch was one of the funniest things ever. Did anyone see last weeks Malcom in the Middle rerun? It was all about Hal’s new obsession with speedwalking. Funny stuff. Jon ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/11 "2003-06-27T00:42:09Z")
COPS on Mercer Island COPS in Ballard The Lynnwood Beauty School - where you learned to apply “not found in nature, only in Lynnwood” blue eyeshadow. “I’m John, Here’s my report.” The High-Fivin’ White Guys The Lame List where the topic was something along the lines of “guys you used to hang out with whose bands have made it big who _still bum drink money_” and Kim Thayil (from Soundgarden who had always been one of the lame list guys) replied “Actually, that’s kind of cool.” I watch too much tv. ---
**Author:** ![AchimbaProphet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/2bfe46/32.png) [@AchimbaProphet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AchimbaProphet)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/12 "2003-06-27T01:16:46Z")
The Billy Kwan segments were great! I loved Keister’s Lame List segments with the Seattle grunge/rock community. For a long while it was better than any of the other comedy sketch shows out there. Pat Cashman is the man. Very funny, very diverse. He often rivaled Phil Hartman. So many drunken Almost Live memories… One of the actors who joined the show late in it’s running is in every commecrial I have seen on TV for the last year or more. ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/13 "2003-06-27T03:41:15Z")
Speed Walker was both hilarious and disturbing (if you’ve seen it you know what I mean) I loved Billy Kwan! ---
**Author:** ![Seven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Seven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seven)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/14 "2003-06-27T10:31:46Z")
I think I must be the only one from Seattle who HATED that show. Every week it was the same damn show. Same jokes. Same skits. Yeah, I get it. White guys give each other high fives all day long, then pause, then give each other high fives again… I GET IT! I got it last week, I’ll get it next week and I’ll get it when you do the same skit for the next three years. That said, if I had to choose, I’d say Nancy Guppy. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![And\_that\_s\_the\_bottom\_line](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df788c/32.png) [@And\_that\_s\_the\_bottom\_line](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/And_that_s_the_bottom_line)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/15 "2003-06-27T11:35:01Z")
I loved _Cops in Kent_. I also loved the _Cops on Mercer Island_ sketches. Especially the one where the cops arrest people for drinking tap water instead of bottled water and stopping for a latte before going down to the police station was part of due process. _High Fivin’ White Guys_ is also another one of my favorites. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/16 "2003-06-27T11:38:45Z")
And let’s not forget the _Ineffectual Middle Management Suck-ups_ … ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/17 "2003-06-27T14:02:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gatopescado \* > \*\*I had the hots for one of the chicks on that show. Don’t remember her name. It was kinda strange, because she was no real beauty, but something about her was very sexy in an “older woman in full bloom, best-friend’s mom” kind of way. > > \*\* So it wasn’t just me… ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/18 "2003-06-27T15:40:06Z")
> [@](#): > > The Kent Driving School (Hey! Where’s the fire… you’re driving well over 10 miles per hour) I could swear it’s the Ballard Driving School. My favorite from that: “Woah woah woah, what are you doing? You pay taxes on BOTH sides of the road! Use them!” (shot of car meandering all over the road). Priceless. My school was one of many that sold frozen pizzas as a fundraiser. Yours Truly sold no less than 20 pizzas to Ross Schaffer, because his house was in my neighborhood. Why he bought any of those sucky things, I don’t understand-- my sales pitch was basically a series of awkward mumbles and blushes. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Elvis\_Rojo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@El\_Elvis\_Rojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Elvis_Rojo)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/19 "2003-06-27T15:44:31Z")
I I recall correctly, _Heywire_ was on a major network (ABC, CBS, or possibly even FOX), but Comedy Central showed _Almost Live_. They both had Billy Quan skits, though, which were my personal favorites. I loved how in each fight, the flying jump kick just became more and more ludicrous. I can’t decide if the Joke Shop or Pool Hall kick was the best. I still make references to Speed Walker and the High Fiven White Guys, but no one else I’ve met in the past ten years seems to know what the hell I’m talking about. Still, it was great fun. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2003, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612/20 "2003-06-27T17:28:01Z")
"Hi, kids, and welcome to Uncle Fran’s Musical Forest. Today, I’m going to sing a song about my ex-girlfriend, and all the others of her kind. \ \*Little girls are made of sugar and spice. So how come when they grow up they turn into… Bitches on wheels. Bitches on wheels, bitches on wheels, bitches on wheels, bitches on wheels…\*" [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-almost-live-love/184612.md?page=2)