# Share your clever/funny colloquialisms **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 14, 2002, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729 "2002-12-14T14:55:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![guitarmax\_99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f19dbf/32.png) [@guitarmax\_99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/guitarmax_99)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/1 "2002-12-14T14:55:11Z")
A ways back I was hanging out with a friend of mine, and we were trying to be quiet so as not to wake up the baby sleeping in the next room. He eventually had to go to the bathroom, which is right next to that room, and when I told him that he should do it quietly, he looked at me and said,\*\* “I’ll be as quiet as a fieldmouse pissing on a cotton ball.”\*\* This expression totally cracked me up, and I had to stifle my laughter so as not to wake the baby. Anyway, I asked him where he got this gem of a statement and he said he picked it up when he was stationed in the south (while he was in the army) and that’s where he thinks it came from. So, I got to thinking that there probably were other funny and (particularly) descriptive colloquialisms out there like this one. I’d like to hear some more! Anyone know any that they’d care to share? ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/2 "2002-12-14T20:11:03Z")
I love 'em. And we have many many wonderful ones: “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit !!” “We’re cookin’ with _gas_, now.” “Busy as a one-armed paper hanger.” “I didn’t know whether to shit or go blind, so I closed one eye and farted.” “That dog won’t hunt.” “He got all wrapped around the axle about that.” “This gravy’s so good it’ll make a puppy pull a train.” “Naw, it’s so good it’ll make you slap yo grandma.” “I’ll be dipped in a bucket of shit !!” Just to share a few … 😉 ---
**Author:** ![vertigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/3ec8ea/32.png) [@vertigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vertigo)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/3 "2002-12-14T22:57:19Z")
“Well tie my face to the side of a pig and roll me in the mud!” or “Bury me in an ant hill and smear my face with jam…” ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/4 "2002-12-14T22:58:38Z")
“Well, solder my spleen vents shut and hang me a new frog!” ---
**Author:** ![Skeezix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@Skeezix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skeezix)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/5 "2002-12-14T23:09:03Z")
PSA: Working in a prison makes you really weird, kids. [sub]And knowing is half the battle…[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Skeezix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@Skeezix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skeezix)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2002, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/6 "2002-12-14T23:11:11Z")
No. Wait. I’ve gotta know. Is that actually some _real_ bizarre injoke? I can’t imagine the story behind it… but I’d love to know. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/7 "2002-12-15T00:06:46Z")
I have no idea what it means, **skeezix**. The patient who said it is a paranoid schizophrenic, and he was less than lucid that day. His explanation included phrases like “the overmind” and “dance with me” and something that sounded like “numerator hat”. At that point I felt it more worthwhile to turn to more productive areas of the examination. ---
**Author:** ![Skeezix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@Skeezix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skeezix)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/8 "2002-12-15T00:26:31Z")
That’d be the proctological bit, yeah? Seriously, though, I was thinking, “Venting one’s spleen is generally what one does in the pit… P’raps he dealt with some patient or another with ‘anger management issues’ and told him to draw a picture of a frog, 'cause, well, the guy likes frogs, and that’ll keep him from getting stuck in solitary every couple weeks for beating the snot out of some other prisoner or guard… And the clever phrase helped him remember this, like his own little mantra, mebbe…” Sorry. Please forgive the highjack, **guitarmax\_99**. [actual relevance] My wife and her stepfather use the old “ **beat you like a red-headed step-child** ” as a gag between the two of them. “ **I didn’t know whether to shit or wind my watch** ” has always tickled me. [/actual relevance] [sub]George Carlin: So I shit on my watch.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/9 "2002-12-15T00:48:48Z")
That reminds me: whupped like a borrowed mule crazy as a run-over dog I wouldn’t f_ck her with YOUR d_ck ('scuse me) ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/10 "2002-12-15T00:50:51Z")
I’m finer than frogs hair. ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/11 "2002-12-15T01:01:55Z")
When saying goodbye: “Don’t stick any beans up your nose…” ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/12 "2002-12-15T01:47:42Z")
My SO, Sniffs\_Markers, said that when she and her siblings were being nosey, her father used to say: **"Quizzy monkeys burn their noses…"** (“Quizzy” being short for “inquisitive.”) ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/13 "2002-12-15T04:30:47Z")
I wouldn’t be caught dead in that place with a ten foot pole. ---
**Author:** ![Wisest\_Novel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wisest_novel/32/13329_2.png) [@Wisest\_Novel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wisest_Novel)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/14 "2002-12-15T04:49:32Z")
My kitchen’s so small, you can’t swing a dead cat in there without getting fur in your mouth. If I was any better, I’d have to be twins. That’s as pretty as a little red wagon going up a hill. OK, I’m off like a prom dress, and out of here like a scalded dog. ---
**Author:** ![Briny\_Deep](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/briny_deep/32/17188_2.png) [@Briny\_Deep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Briny_Deep)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/15 "2002-12-15T05:01:10Z")
“Well, slap the dog and spit in the fire.” (This must be pronounced “Dawg” and “Fahr” to be authentic.) Then the one I learned from a Cecil book: “I wouldn’t piss on his ass if his piles were on fire.” ---
**Author:** ![Denis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5e9695/32.png) [@Denis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Denis)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/16 "2002-12-15T05:23:11Z")
“I was sweatin’ like a dog shittin’ razor blades.” “Well. Fuck. Me. Runnin’.” “Stinks bad enough to knock a buzzard off a shitwagon.” “He has the attention span of a chicken on speed.” “That guy’s twenty pounds of bullshit in a ten pound bag.” “That lasts about as long as a fart in a windstorm.” ---
**Author:** ![brianjedi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@brianjedi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brianjedi)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/17 "2002-12-15T06:19:15Z")
Here’s a whole bunch of them: “on him like a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat” “wigglin’ like a worm on a hot board” (stole this one from NASCAR legend Buddy Baker, when describing a race car) “whipped him like a rented mule” “fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch” “not the sharpest crayon in the box” (Note: to be used with Southern accent) -brianjedi ---
**Author:** ![Bullwinkle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@Bullwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/18 "2002-12-15T08:01:38Z")
He’s just ate up with the dumbass! ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/19 "2002-12-15T17:54:35Z")
Nobody else catch this ?? > [@](#): > > I wouldn’t be caught dead in that place with a ten foot pole The ten-foot Pole said he wouldnt’ either !!! yuk yuk 😛 on being frightened: If I coulda’ spit, my heart woulda gone with it (I just can’t quit …) ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2002, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/20 "2002-12-15T18:19:32Z")
I’ve always heard “ten foot pole” used to indicate that you couldn’t get anywhere close as in “You couldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole.” Some of my favorites: As busy as a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest… So ugly he could back a dog off a meat wagon… Throwing the baby out with the bathwater (meaning that you are overlooking something important) As shallow as a saucer Lower than a duck’s butt as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof (Hmmm…might be a good name for a play in there…) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729.md?page=2)