# Share your clever/funny colloquialisms **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 14, 2002, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729 "2002-12-14T14:55:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![CuriousCanuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@CuriousCanuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CuriousCanuck)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/101 "2003-01-08T21:21:53Z")
Surprise: “Well Jesus McF\*ck!” ---
**Author:** ![Cobalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8491ac/32.png) [@Cobalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cobalt)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/102 "2003-01-08T21:30:55Z")
The variation I’d heard on the ‘busy’ one was “Busier than a one-armed bandit.” “You lie like a cheap rug.” “Dull as dirt.” ---
**Author:** ![Mariachi\_Kitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba8739/32.png) [@Mariachi\_Kitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mariachi_Kitty)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/103 "2003-01-08T21:58:57Z")
Lazier than a bump on a pickle. And a variation…Too pooped to poop. ---
**Author:** ![micilin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8c91f0/32.png) [@micilin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/micilin)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/104 "2003-01-08T21:59:37Z")
On attractiveness: ‘But would you run barefoot through seven fields of broken glass just to slide in her shite?’ ‘I wouldn’t touch her with yours’ ‘I’d say she has a Mary like a wellytop.’ ‘A face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle.’ (thanks Billy Connolly) On exteme hunger: ‘I’d eat shite of a scabby leg.’ ‘I’d eat a nun’s fanny\* through a convent gate.’ ‘I’d eat a farmer’s arse through a hedge.’ On nipple erections (I know too many phrase to do with nipple erections): ‘…like hatpegs.’ ‘… like fighter pilots thumb’s.’ ‘… like monkey’s fingers.’ On the reputation of ladies: ‘If you kicked her in the arse a bag of mickeys\*\* would fall out.’ On finding that something is only superficially attractive: ‘Like buttered shite.’ On ineptitude: ‘Like a one-legged man in an arse-kickingcontest.’ ‘Couldn’t find his arse with both hands and a map’ On meanness: ‘He could peel an orange in his pocket with boxing gloves on.’ And I don’t know what this refers to, but it cracks me up: ‘Ah, but where would you be with bell on your bike and your knickers wringing?’ - Fanny means a different thing over here than in the US. \*\* Mickey: Irish (Dublin?) slang for penis. ---
**Author:** ![po\_gorg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9f8e36/32.png) [@po\_gorg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/po_gorg)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/105 "2003-01-08T22:03:34Z")
I like “busier than a two peckered goat”, “you talk like a man with a paper ass”, referring to someone who doesn’t know what thay’re talking about, “he snuck up on me like a pair of cheap underwear” and “when God was handing out brains, he thought He said Trains and said, ‘no thanks, the whistles hurt my ears.’” My sister’s father-in-law “Fast Eddy” had literally over two hundred sayings that we documented and called “Eddyisms”. Unfortunately, we lost the list over 25 years ago. I’m sure my sister’s husband can recall more. ---
**Author:** ![Weary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/aeb1de/32.png) [@Weary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weary)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/106 "2003-01-08T22:22:53Z")
My own favourite on being unlucky in love: “If I fell into a barrell of tits I’d come out sucking my thumb” How true ☹ ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/107 "2003-01-08T22:37:59Z")
**micilin** : thanks for the international perspective. I’d say “I wouldn’t touch her with yours” is a cleaned-up version of “I wouldn’t f\*\*\* her with a stolen dick.” And over here, fanny = cleaner, more acceptable version of ass (or arse, as you would say.) Mary?? wellytop?? ---
**Author:** ![rostfrei](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7bcc69/32.png) [@rostfrei](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rostfrei)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/108 "2003-01-08T23:13:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Skeezix \* > \*\*That’d be the proctological bit, yeah? > > Seriously, though, I was thinking, “Venting one’s spleen is generally what one does in the pit… P’raps he dealt with some patient or another with ‘anger management issues’ and told him to draw a picture of a frog, 'cause, well, the guy likes frogs, and that’ll keep him from getting stuck in solitary every couple weeks for beating the snot out of some other prisoner or guard… And the clever phrase helped him remember this, like his own little mantra, mebbe…” > > Sorry. Please forgive the highjack, **guitarmax\_99**. > > [actual relevance] > My wife and her stepfather use the old “ **beat you like a red-headed step-child** ” as a gag between the two of them. “ **I didn’t know whether to shit or wind my watch** ” has always tickled me. > [/actual relevance] > > I’ve always heard: “he was so confused, he didn’t know whether to wipe his watch or wind his butt”. > > [sub]George Carlin: So I shit on my watch.[/sub] \*\* ---
**Author:** ![zakiyah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7993a0/32.png) [@zakiyah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zakiyah)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/109 "2003-01-08T23:14:48Z")
on sanity: He’s about two knights short of a crusade. He’s about two fries short of a Happy Meal. on intelligence: He ain’t got half the brains of a bag of ferrets. ---
**Author:** ![Duct\_Tape\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ccd318/32.png) [@Duct\_Tape\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duct_Tape_King)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/110 "2003-01-08T23:20:58Z")
Boy, you’re about as dumb as a box of hair… ---
**Author:** ![Tierce](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea5d25/32.png) [@Tierce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tierce)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/111 "2003-01-08T23:39:33Z")
On wishful thinking: Yeah, and if a frog had wings, it wouldn’t bump its ass a-hoppin’. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2003, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/112 "2003-01-08T23:56:32Z")
Said of an ugly woman: “She looks like her mother fed her with a slingshot.” Of a pretty woman “She has a body that’d make Jesus Christ climb down off the cross.” In the military, bogus acronyms constitute a form of colloqualism: eg. SNAFU, BOHICA, and my favorite: “Proceed to carry out E-tripple-S (off-duty, free to eat, sleep, smoke and shit)” ---
**Author:** ![Chinaco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71c47a/32.png) [@Chinaco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chinaco)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/113 "2003-01-09T00:39:36Z")
Couple of my favorites (these are actually quotes from Waylon Jennings as the Narrator on Dukes of Hazzard): They took off faster than bad news travels. This thing’s got more turns than a bucket o’ worms. Havin’ more trouble than two stray heifers in a pasture full of bulls. He’s got more wrinkles than a bucket o’ prunes. Trapped like two foxes in a hen house with a sack fulla eggs. Smugger than a hog knee-deep in slop. Madder than an old wet hen. Stickin’ out like a bourbon bottle at a country revival. ---
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/114 "2003-01-09T01:29:50Z")
from **NinetyWt** : I wouldn’t f_ck her with YOUR d_ck ('scuse me) My guy friends use a modified version of this that goes: “I wouldn’t f\*ck her with [other person’s name]'s and [secondary person’s name] pushing.” Almost always in reference to a person’s lack of attractiveness or ability in bed. ---
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/115 "2003-01-09T01:36:37Z")
Ooops. Correction: “I wouldn’t f_ck her with [other person’s name]'s d_ck and [secondary person’s name] pushing.” ---
**Author:** ![Joyce\_W](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3ab097/32.png) [@Joyce\_W](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joyce_W)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/116 "2003-01-09T02:20:46Z")
On being scared, “You couldn’t have pulled a pin out of my a$$ with a tractor” Someone trying to do something they’re not capable of, “Don’t monkey with the band if you can’t toot a horn”. ---
**Author:** ![Lionors](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c37758/32.png) [@Lionors](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lionors)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/117 "2003-01-09T02:21:21Z")
Saw a bunch already which made me chuckle in memory, being the transplanted child of Southerners that I am, but here goes. On an individual blessed with a sizeable nose: “S/he could gut a punkin through a rail fence.” On roadkill, someone passed out from drink or other substances, or someone knocked out from a blow: “Knocked him/her flatter than a flitter\*.” On someone who is stingy with their money: “Tighter’n a hen’s flitter.” On a particularly close friendship or business acquaintance (generally of a shady sort): “They’re [stuck together] tighter’n pig turds in July.” On someone who is creating a scene or highly upset: “S/he’s pitchin’ (pitched) a hissie fit.” On someone known for less than legal dealings: “S/he’s as crooked as a dog’s hind leg.” On someone who’s worthless: “Ain’t fit to carry guts to a bear.” And my personal favorite (pardon the phonetic spelling; for the life of me, I have NO idea what this word really is, except possibly a derivation of ‘carrion’): On people or a family who are dirty/low-class/trashy: “They’re just _kearney_.” (pron. kee-YAR-nee) Gotta love colorful language. - Outer female genitalia. ---
**Author:** ![moonstarssun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@moonstarssun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moonstarssun)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/118 "2003-01-09T03:52:48Z")
My dad was a native Texan (or Texican, as my 5yo nephew calls 'em), and he had a seemingly endless supply of these. Some of my favorites: He couldn’t find his ass with both hands and a flashlight. That’s enough to piss off the pope. That’s enough to make the pope kick out a stained glass window. (Usually used when he saw an extremely attractive woman.) That’s good enough to make you want to slap your granny and dare her to get up. Slightly OT, but he also taught me the “sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite” thing when I was very young. He added his own ending, though: “If they do, crack 'em in two and eat 'em like the monkeys do.” I was in college before I realized he made that part up. Scarred for life. It’s enough to piss off the pope. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![SlickRoenick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e68b1a/32.png) [@SlickRoenick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlickRoenick)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/119 "2003-01-09T03:57:51Z")
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel Proof that evolution can go in reverse As smart as bait An intellect rivaled only by garden tools An experiment in artificial stupidity ---
**Author:** ![Mirror\_Image\_egamI\_rorriM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e56c9b/32.png) [@Mirror\_Image\_egamI\_rorriM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mirror_Image_egamI_rorriM)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2003, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/120 "2003-01-09T04:01:28Z")
“I’m slicker than a mashed potato sandwich” some kid said this during Latin today. I about laughed myself silly. And I’m fond of saying “He’s not the shiniest crayon in the picnic basket,” because I like the mixing of metaphors. An insult my friends and I made up and actually use: tampon licker. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729.md?page=7)