# Share your clever/funny colloquialisms **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 14, 2002, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729 "2002-12-14T14:55:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![ricepad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b38774/32.png) [@ricepad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ricepad)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/161 "2003-01-15T07:32:56Z")
I stole this from **CrankyAsAnOldMan** years ago: Busier than a one-legged cat tryin’ to bury a turd on a frozen pond. ---
**Author:** ![pierre72](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b2d939/32.png) [@pierre72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pierre72)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/162 "2003-01-15T11:03:14Z")
(Of the morning-after realisation): e.g., “She was so ugly, I had to chew my own arm off to get away.” (Insult): e.g., “Conceiving you was a waste of a wank.” (when heading to the bathroom for a no2) “I’m off to bury a sailor at sea” (of someone who rates themselves a class above): “He farts higher than his arse” (annoying): “He makes my shit hang sideways” (to have suffered diarrhoea): “I’ve just spent tuppence in ha’pennies and farthings” Admittedly, most of these do work best when said in a broad north-England accent. Think Daphne off Frasier, for you Yanks… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Jeffrey\_Hartnett](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/77aa72/32.png) [@Jeffrey\_Hartnett](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeffrey_Hartnett)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/163 "2003-01-16T04:44:03Z")
On someone who is quite verbose: S/he could talk the ear off a brass monkey. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/164 "2003-01-16T11:10:56Z")
I’ll pound you like a salami in a salami-pounding contest! ---
**Author:** ![Archergal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Archergal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Archergal)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/165 "2003-01-16T15:46:45Z")
Someone asks me how I am, my usual response is: “Hanging in like a loose tooth.” ---
**Author:** ![verbenabeast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/c4cdca/32.png) [@verbenabeast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/verbenabeast)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/166 "2003-01-16T23:55:11Z")
Ugly enough to back to sh\*t up a light pole He don’t know me from Adam’s housecat When you are doing something the hard way you are “Taking the long way around Robin Hood’s barn” If you are out of place you “Feel like a milk-bucket under a bull” someone who doesn’t know what is going on “doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the wall” I’m hungry enough to eat the ass out a dead mule… Slower than smoke off of a cool turd… If something is distasteful “I wouldn’t hit a wet dog in the ass with it”… ---
**Author:** ![Apollyon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/apollyon/32/4238_2.png) [@Apollyon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apollyon)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2003, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/167 "2003-01-17T02:06:58Z")
A personal favourite (the mental image always makes me smile). _On Futility:_ It’s like trying to herd cats. ---
**Author:** ![zepchick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/858c86/32.png) [@zepchick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zepchick)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2003, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/168 "2003-01-17T04:05:40Z")
My personal favorites: “Don’t get your crank shaft all up in a two stroke!” “Well, Christ on a Crouton!” “I only did it for sheeps and whistles…” ---
**Author:** ![ShetlandPony](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4bbf92/32.png) [@ShetlandPony](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShetlandPony)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2003, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/169 "2003-01-17T19:05:31Z")
_Describing women_ I wouldn’t crawl over her to get to you! I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for farting! _Chaos_ He couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery _Stupidity_ If brains were dynamite they wouldn’t blow his hat off \*Exasperation - my mother’s favourite \* Hell’s Bells and buckets of blood _Useless_ He’s an arse with ears _Surprise_ Well F\*\*k me sideways ---
**Author:** ![Janx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Janx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Janx)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2003, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/170 "2003-01-17T19:25:27Z")
Make like a bread truck and haul buns! ---
**Author:** ![dahempfaerie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/779978/32.png) [@dahempfaerie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dahempfaerie)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/171 "2003-01-18T05:37:43Z")
she could eat apples through a picket fence built like a brick shit house colder than a witch’s tit he has more \_\_\_\_\_ than Carter has pills like a turd in a punch bowl thinks her shit don’t stink ---
**Author:** ![Chanticleer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/65b543/32.png) [@Chanticleer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chanticleer)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/172 "2003-01-18T14:49:55Z")
" He was grinnin like a dog shittin a peach seed ". ---
**Author:** ![galen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecc23a/32.png) [@galen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/galen)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/173 "2003-01-18T16:31:50Z")
Said of someone with old-fashioned or outdated ideas: You can’t be a mule in a John Deere society. ---
**Author:** ![\_etalhea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/_/779978/32.png) [@\_etalhea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/_etalhea)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/174 "2003-01-18T22:05:40Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Honey \* > **"Too poor to buy a louse a pair of leggings" > “I’m so poor, I can’t afford to pay attention” > “As nervous as a dog shittin’ peach pits” > “Colder than a witches tit” > “As dumb as a box of rocks” > “He has the brains of an ice cube” > “She’s so ugly, she could stop an 8 day clock” > "She’d f**_ a snake if it had ears to hang on to" \*\* Just a comment on #4, my ex-wife is a witch, and I assure you her breasts were normal temperature. Here’s a few from me: That went over like a NARC at a biker rally My dick’s harder than chinese arithmetic (when asked a series of stupid questions or being interrupted): Comes at 8, leaves at 9, asshole deep and three for a dime! (refers to an old, worn out joke) ---
**Author:** ![JolieRhys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b9bd4f/32.png) [@JolieRhys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JolieRhys)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2003, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/175 "2003-01-18T23:14:47Z")
I wouldn’t touch that with somebody else’s 10-foot pole. That pup won’t suck. Shoot and holler shit. Phukmerunnen. You’d skrog anything with a pulse. Is the Pope Catholic? Do bears shit in the woods? Is a frog’s ass watertight? Quit your cryin’. You’re gettin’ the floor wet. ---
**Author:** ![BuckleberryFerry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@BuckleberryFerry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BuckleberryFerry)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2003, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/176 "2003-01-19T01:28:36Z")
**Excessive PDAing:** On him/her like a Sacksville-Baggins on a garage sale. I got that from a fanfiction I read once. (Paraphrased for universiality) ---
**Author:** ![JolieRhys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b9bd4f/32.png) [@JolieRhys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JolieRhys)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2003, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/177 "2003-01-19T02:03:09Z")
Dumber than a box of rocks, but the box is empty…that’s how I always heard it. Fair to middlin’- when asked how are you? The wheel’s aturning, but the hamster’s still dead. Did you take the big yellow bus or the little yellow bus to school? In addition to “the lights are on- nobody home” is Everybody’s home, but they’re groping around in the dark. or, Elevator’s in the basement and the cords have been cut. Obviously, you weren’t spanked enough as a child. Do your parents know they had children that lived? Knocking boots. Alive and living. Able to sit up and take nourishment. Taking a dirt nap. I haven’t laughed this hard since the story the other morning about knocking the baby over with a fart. [I’ve been HIT!] ---
**Author:** ![GorillaGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8491ac/32.png) [@GorillaGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GorillaGirl)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2003, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/178 "2003-01-19T02:46:17Z")
Happier than a four-peckered goat. I don’t know him/her from Adam’s off ox. You’re not sharp as a tack just because you have a flat head. Sorry don’t feed the bulldog. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by verbenabeast \* > \*\*When you are doing something the hard way you are “Taking the long way around Robin Hood’s barn” > \*\* I always heard “Going clear 'round Hell’s half acre.” ---
**Author:** ![Irishlove](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3da27b/32.png) [@Irishlove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishlove)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2003, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/179 "2003-01-19T03:23:44Z")
Let’s make like a tree and leave or Let’s make like a tree and get out of here. And my personal all-time favourite: Let’s make like a horse’s d\*ck and hit the road ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2003, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729/180 "2003-01-19T06:44:06Z")
–She could suck the chrome of a trailer hitch. –Couldn’t find his ass with two hands and a mirror In answer to the question “Where is so-and-so?”: –He went to shit and the hogs ate him –Up my ass pickin’ daisies –In East Jafuckahunga –Ain’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree/ the sharpest tack in the box –Whatever blows your skirt up for ya –Yer damn skippy! –I knew him when Hector was a pup (is this a Trojan War reference?) –Queer as old dad’s hatband (I have no idea what that means) –He’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic Some favorites from my dad: –He’s screwed blue and tattooed –When someone is really angry my dad says “He got a wild hair across his ass” –He talks like a man with a paper asshole/ a corrugated tin asshole –Go piss up a rope/shit in your hat –She’s built like a brick shithouse (this apparently is a complement) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-clever-funny-colloquialisms/142729.md?page=10)