# Share your favorite lawyer jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 15, 2007, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195 "2007-04-15T08:59:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/1 "2007-04-15T08:59:25Z")
The thread on the Duke rape case and the astonishing figure of $5 million in legal fees for the boys got me thinking about lawyer jokes. Here’s one to start: An old miser is on his deathbed, and in pondering the conventional wisdom of “you can’t take it with you” defiantly thinks to himself, “why _can’t_ I take it with me?”. He arranges to have a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer see him before his departure. He gives them $30,000 cash each and instructs them to come to his funeral and throw the money on his casket in an envelope before they bury him, forever sealing him with his fortune. He dies, the funeral takes place, and each man dutifully throws his envelope on the casket just before they cover it with dirt. While riding home, the doctor pipes up, “You know, I’m feeling kind of guilty. Our practice really needs a new X-ray machine, and in order to help pay for it I only put $25,000 in the envelope.” With this, the priest chimes in, “Yes, I too have to confess. I took some of the money for much-needed improvements to our church, and only put $20,000 in the envelope.” After a moment of uncomfortable silence, the lawyer quips, “You gentlemen should be ashamed of yourselves!” “What?” they both remark, “Are you trying to tell us you did exactly as he told you?” “Absolutely!” he exclaims. “My envelope contained a check for the full amount.” ---
**Author:** ![fifty-six](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@fifty-six](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fifty-six)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 9:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/2 "2007-04-15T09:03:57Z")
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. ---
**Author:** ![Abby\_Emma\_Sasha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@Abby\_Emma\_Sasha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abby_Emma_Sasha)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 10:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/3 "2007-04-15T10:50:00Z")
Here’s one: Next time you get arrested call a comedian. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/4 "2007-04-15T11:35:47Z")
Q: What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start. ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/5 "2007-04-15T11:53:17Z")
A lawyer I used to work for told me this one: Why do lawyers wear ties? To keep their foreskins from creeping up over their faces. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/6 "2007-04-15T12:02:28Z")
Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a carp? A. One’s a bottom feeding, scum sucking predator… and the other’s a fish. Did you hear about the lawyer who died in a pie eating contest? A cow stepped on his head! ---
**Author:** ![raindog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@raindog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raindog)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/7 "2007-04-15T12:20:26Z")
Q: Why won’t sharks attack a lawyer? A: Professional courtesy Q: What’s the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead dog in the road? A: There will be skid marks in front of the dog. ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/8 "2007-04-15T12:34:52Z")
A lawyer is uttlerly flummoxed when, on arriving in heaven, St Peter congratulates him on dying as the world’s oldest man. He thinks about it for a few seconds, then light dawns and he says, horrified: “Wait a minute, _please_ tell me you didn’t work this out by adding up my hours billed …” ---
**Author:** ![This\_ll\_Do](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/this_ll_do/32/3023_2.png) [@This\_ll\_Do](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/This_ll_Do)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/9 "2007-04-15T14:24:55Z")
The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Il\_Palazzo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Lord\_Il\_Palazzo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Il_Palazzo)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/10 "2007-04-15T14:28:16Z")
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him. Why are dead lawyers buried 12 feet deep instead of the usual 6? Because deep, deep down, they really are nice people. What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman. What’s the problem with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and no one else thinks they’re jokes. ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/11 "2007-04-15T14:44:54Z")
What do you call a group of skydiving lawyers? Skeet. ---
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/12 "2007-04-15T15:13:40Z")
A hunter and his guide have paused in the jungle to watch a large herd of elephants pass. A few moments after the last elephant has gone a large leopard is seen following in the path made by the elephants and pausing at the poop piles to eat. The hunter asks the guide “Why is he doing that?” and the guide says “He must have just eaten a lawyer and is trying to get the taste out of his mouth.” ---
**Author:** ![KlondikeGeoff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3e96dc/32.png) [@KlondikeGeoff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KlondikeGeoff)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/13 "2007-04-15T16:35:18Z")
Fellow sits down at the bar, orders a drink, and says to the bartender, “You know, all lawyers are assholes.” A guy at the end of the bar pipes up, “Hey, I resent that!” “Why,” asks the bartender, “are you a lawyer?” The guy replies, “No, I’m an asshole.” ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/14 "2007-04-15T16:37:41Z")
What do you have if you have a dozen lawyers up to their necks in concrete? Not enough concrete. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/15 "2007-04-15T16:53:32Z")
Wasn’t there some sort of short-lived movement by lawyers in the US 10 or 20 years ago to make it a hate crime to tell lawyer jokes? Or something like that? It came after a series of hostage-murder-suicide incidents involving lawyers and law firms. The perps were mostly guys who’d been taken to court and cleaned out by the lawyers. The lawyers were trying to say that lawyer jokes helped promore the sort of mindset that led to that kind of thing. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/16 "2007-04-15T17:01:44Z")
[QUOTE=Siam Sam] Wasn’t there some sort of short-lived movement by lawyers in the US 10 or 20 years ago to make it a hate crime to tell lawyer jokes? Or something like that? It came after a series of hostage-murder-suicide incidents involving lawyers and law firms. The perps were mostly guys who’d been taken to court and cleaned out by the lawyers. The lawyers were trying to say that lawyer jokes helped promore the sort of mindset that led to that kind of thing. [/QUOTE] Heh, well these are all a lot more mean-spirited than the one I put in the OP! There have to be some out there which are actually funny… ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/17 "2007-04-15T17:25:59Z")
The funniest one I’ve heard had a better setup than the one on [this page](http://www.101funjokes.com/lawyer_jokes.htm) that starts out with _“Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady…”_. In fact, the better version (which I haven’t tried to run down online) has the two lawyers on a desert island and the young lady washing up on shore. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/18 "2007-04-15T17:55:18Z")
[QUOTE=Lord Il Palazzo] What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman. [/QUOTE] There’s a companion joke to that one. What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a doberman? Lipstick ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Knig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@Typo\_Knig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Knig)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/19 "2007-04-15T17:58:46Z")
Why did Washington, DC get all the lawyers and New Jersey get all the toxic waste? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . New Jersey had first pick! As a matter of fact, I am from New Jersey originally. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/20 "2007-04-15T18:30:36Z")
I notice there are no jokes about _women_ lawyers. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195.md?page=2)