# Share your favorite lawyer jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 15, 2007, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195 "2007-04-15T08:59:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Queen\_Bruin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Queen\_Bruin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Bruin)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/21 "2007-04-15T19:01:04Z")
[QUOTE=KlondikeGeoff] Fellow sits down at the bar, orders a drink, and says to the bartender, “You know, all lawyers are assholes.” A guy at the end of the bar pipes up, “Hey, I resent that!” “Why,” asks the bartender, “are you a lawyer?” The guy replies, “No, I’m an asshole.” [/QUOTE] Did you get this joke from the LSAT problem reject bin? Just 'cause all lawyers are assholes certainly doesn’t make all assholes lawyers. I mean, what percentage of normal everyday assholes would catch that, anyhow? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Noone\_Special](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/noone_special/32/2863_2.png) [@Noone\_Special](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Noone_Special)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/22 "2007-04-15T19:04:55Z")
It seems that in some Research Facilities they’re starting to use Lawyers instead of rats. Turns out there are some things rats just won’t do. ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/23 "2007-04-15T19:22:54Z")
A group of Muslim terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred attorneys were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one attorney every hour. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/24 "2007-04-15T19:41:57Z")
[QUOTE=Beware of Doug] I notice there are no jokes about _women_ lawyers. [/QUOTE] Ah, but there are. Check post #18. ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2007, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/25 "2007-04-15T23:02:52Z")
How do you know they aren’t about women lawyers? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df705f/32.png) [@Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Full_Metal_Lotus)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/26 "2007-04-16T00:57:53Z")
What is the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer? It is a hell of a lot cheaper to get screwed by a prostitute FML ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/27 "2007-04-16T01:13:23Z")
[QUOTE=Noone Special] It seems that in some Research Facilities they’re starting to use Lawyers instead of rats. Turns out there are some things rats just won’t do. [/QUOTE] Also, the scientists don’t have to wory about getting attached to them. ---
**Author:** ![Mbossa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/73ab20/32.png) [@Mbossa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mbossa)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/28 "2007-04-16T02:07:01Z")
[QUOTE=Beware of Doug] I notice there are no jokes about _women_ lawyers. [/QUOTE] What do you call 500 female lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. Why won’t sharks attack a female lawyer? Professional courtesy. What’s the problem with female lawyer jokes? Female lawyers don’t think they’re funny and no one else thinks they’re jokes. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/29 "2007-04-16T03:35:59Z")
Three engineers and three lawyers are always taking the same commuter train into the city. The lawyers notice one day that the engineers have only bought one ticket for the three of them. One of the lawyers asks the engineers ‘whats up with that?’ and is told, ‘just watch, you’ll see.’ The engineers get on the train and immediately all cram into the toilet before the conductor notices. Regardless, the conductor stops by the toilet and knocks on the door - which opens a little, and a hand holds out the one ticket. The lawyers are impressed by this and decide that they’ll try it the next day. They buy one ticket between the three of them, and they cram into the toilet before the conductor notices. As it happens, the conductor stops to collect the tickets from the engineers first, and they hand the conductor person _six_ tickets. They explain to the conductor that their three lawyer companions are all in the loo together. ---
**Author:** ![Master\_Shake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f17d59/32.png) [@Master\_Shake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Master_Shake)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/30 "2007-04-16T04:04:51Z")
[QUOTE=Civil Guy] Three engineers and three lawyers are always taking the same commuter train into the city. The lawyers notice one day that the engineers have only bought one ticket for the three of them. One of the lawyers asks the engineers ‘whats up with that?’ and is told, ‘just watch, you’ll see.’ The engineers get on the train and immediately all cram into the toilet before the conductor notices. Regardless, the conductor stops by the toilet and knocks on the door - which opens a little, and a hand holds out the one ticket. The lawyers are impressed by this and decide that they’ll try it the next day. They buy one ticket between the three of them, and they cram into the toilet before the conductor notices. As it happens, the conductor stops to collect the tickets from the engineers first, and they hand the conductor person _six_ tickets. They explain to the conductor that their three lawyer companions are all in the loo together. [/QUOTE] The variation I heard on this one has the same setup, but at the end, after the three lawyers cram themselves into the bathroom, one of the engineers walks up to the door, knocks, and says, “Ticket please.” ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/31 "2007-04-16T04:13:44Z")
It’s really one of those utility jokes in that you can insert your favourite group in one slot, and your target group in the other and the joke works. ---
**Author:** ![Sunrazor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sunrazor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunrazor)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/32 "2007-04-16T04:15:16Z")
There’s an opening on the board of directors of a multinational corporation. The candidates are senior partner of an accounting firm, president of an engineering company and the managing partner of a law firm. Each is asked, in turn, one question: What is two plus two? The accountant consults his actuarial tables and replies that two plus two is four. The engineer, when asked, whips out his pocket calculator, conducts complex calculations and replies that two plus two is four. When it’s the lawyer’s turn, he peeks outside the door of the interview room, closes the door tightly and returns to the interview table, where he asks, “What do you want it to be?” ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/33 "2007-04-16T05:03:08Z")
How many lawyer jokes are there? Three. The rest are all true! ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/34 "2007-04-16T05:36:18Z")
Whats the difference between a Lawyer and a Steaming Pile of Shit? ---
**Author:** ![enigm4tic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ba0ec/32.png) [@enigm4tic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enigm4tic)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/35 "2007-04-16T05:51:08Z")
[QUOTE=Projammer] Three. The rest are all true! [/QUOTE] well don’t leave us hanging! Tell 'em! ---
**Author:** ![Taber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ac91a4/32.png) [@Taber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taber)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/36 "2007-04-16T06:23:09Z")
[QUOTE=Gatopescado] Whats the difference between a Lawyer and a Steaming Pile of Shit? [/QUOTE] I don’t know ---
**Author:** ![CreaseMunky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f475e1/32.png) [@CreaseMunky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CreaseMunky)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/37 "2007-04-16T06:35:09Z")
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a football? You only get 3 points for kicking a football between the uprights. ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/38 "2007-04-16T06:37:13Z")
A man is enjoying a latte at his local Starbucks along with his son. The lad is practicing a magic trick- making a silver dollar disappear into his mouth when he accidentally chokes on the coin. Unsure of what to do, the father cries out for help, hoping a Doctor is within earshot. A middle aged woman in a business suit walks over to them, thrusts her hand down the front of the boy’s pants and squeezes his testicles. His face turns red as she twists and turns his scrotum, before finally, he coughs up the coin, which the lady catches in her free hand. As she hands the coin to the relieved father, he asks, “Are you a Doctor?” “No,” she replies. “Divorce attorney.” ---
**Author:** ![Manatee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/50afbb/32.png) [@Manatee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manatee)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/39 "2007-04-16T06:39:17Z")
[QUOTE=Taber] I don’t know [/QUOTE] Exactly. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2007, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195/40 "2007-04-16T06:40:34Z")
I would say the difference was the steam. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-favorite-lawyer-jokes/400195.md?page=3)