Well, there was a sea bat incident that resulted in what became known as The Captain’s Mast of the Century.
Those who know of Sea Bats, well, know about Sea Bats. I won’t reveal more about that but some googling might be informative for those not in the know. But I’ll have to introduce the cast of characters for TCMOTC.
- Commanding Officer: A good guy.
- The Victim: A martinet/bully of a LTJG who managed to continually piss off/annoy everyone above and below him in the chain of command, especially the CPOs and Warrants.
- The Defendant: A very naive and green Seaman Apprentice whose only useful talent seemed to be an innate ability to wield a broom.
- The Division Officer: The Defendent’s DO. He strongly believed in loyalty up and down and behind closed doors was on a first name basis with the CO. And the CPO’s and Warrants had explained to him what REALLY happened during the alleged assault.
- The CPOs and Warrants who set up the Sea Bat incident and could have denied any knowledge, but decided they should try to help out The poor schlemiel Defendant. They also had an uncanny talent for looking innocent in the face of the UCMJ.
The Charge: Assault on a Superior Officer with a Deadly Weapon.
After a lot of official blah blah blah back and forth and testimony, as The Defendant’s Division Officer, the DO was permitted to ask The Victim several questions before the CO. The DO asked The Victim to demonstrate to the CO the position he was in when he was so brutally assaulted. So, after some encouragement from the CO, The Victim got down on his hands and knees.
Division Officer: If the Captain will note, there is no rank insignia visible when the Lieutenant is in that position.
Commanding Officer:* (after a pause while he considers the vista of the LT’s ass poking up in the air)* Lieutenant, just what were you doing on the deck in that position?
The Victim: Well, they were saying they had this Sea Bat in a box and I wanted to see what they looked like.
Commanding Officer: (pause) A sea bat, you say?
The Victim: Yes, Sir. There was sea bat and I wanted to see it.
(a longer pause and while what might be called “significant” glances were exchanged between the DO and CO, an epidemic of muffled coughing went through the space. The CO asked the DO if he would join him in the Captain’s Quarters for a brief conference before rendering his decision.)
The Commanding Officer then determined that The Defendant was guilty of “Rendering an Improper Salute”, restricted to the ship for the next 5 days*, and told that if he kept his nose clean for the next 6 months the record of this non-judicial proceeding would be removed from his service jacket.
The Aftermath: The Defendant never had to pay for his own beer for the next 6 months. There was a long, closed door, classified TOP SECRET conference in the CPO quarters between the CPOs, Warrant Officers, the Commanding Officer, and the Division Officer. The scuttlebutt was the topics of the conference were “DON’T YOU CLOWNS EVER CONSIDER PULLING A STUNT ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD OF THIS AGAIN!”, "GODDAMN, I THOUGHT I’D SEEN SOME DOOZIES BEFORE BUT THIS TAKES THE FUCKING CAKE!’,“WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU IDIOTS THINKING OF SETTING UP THAT POOR KID LIKE THAT!”, and “IF I HAD THE BRAINS GOD PROMISED A DOOR KNOB I’D BUST YOU ALL DOWN TO SEAMAN RECRUIT!”
The next day, the Hospital Corpsman reported that the Captain had expressed some concern that some of the medicinal alcohol had been contaminated and had conducted some quality control testing the previous evening.
*one might note that the ship was on a cruise and not expected to arrive at any port for another 14 days or so.
He was actually on 2 different ICEX. [I will note that I am occasionally jealous of our various service members that get to do the really neat things like take a submarine around the world under the ice, surface to do stuff, or get stationed in places like Thule base or the Antarctic. sigh The neat stuff they get to do doesn’t actually make up for the bad crap they have to deal with though.]