# Share your offensive jokes. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 30, 2012, 10:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403 "2012-04-30T10:18:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2012, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/181 "2012-06-13T13:14:45Z")
> [@Siam\_Sam](#): > > No, but I did hear about the leper hockey game. There was a face-off in the corner. Then the lepers played poker, until one of them threw in his hand. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2012, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/182 "2012-06-13T13:26:34Z")
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2012, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/183 "2012-06-13T15:08:39Z")
Then there was the leper who ran into the screen door and strained himself. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2012, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/184 "2012-07-16T02:50:33Z")
A British Engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan. He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof. ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2012, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/185 "2012-07-16T03:07:43Z")
> [@pullin](#): > > I overheard this conversation at work the other day. > > Coworker-1: {Generalized muttering about current gummint, and right-wing theories about why Texas didn’t get one of the retired space shuttles} > > Coworker-2: “We already got one.. back in '03. It came with ‘some assembly required’, though.” > I shouldn’t have, but I chuckled at this one. What color were the astronaut’s eyes? Blue. One blew into the pacific, one blew into the gulf. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2012, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/186 "2012-07-16T21:42:59Z")
> [@JKellyMap](#): > > I take it these are meant to be a satire of some notion of Estonia as cold, and its inhabitants as sad. > > I thought the jokes were hilarious…BUT… > > I visited Estonia 10 years ago (in the summer, admittedly), and guess what – nothing but happy, gorgeous, colorful young people (or so it seemed), enjoying life and sunshine and joy. I’m pretty sure those jokes date back to Soviet times, when life there could be pretty dismal. I’ve been to all three Baltic states, and I love them! I’d give my left nut to live in Riga! ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2012, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/187 "2012-07-16T21:58:58Z")
The Farmer and the Pimp One day, an elderly farmer drove into the big city, looking to buy some tools. But because of a detour due to road construction he got lost, and found himself driving through the ghetto. Finally, he pulled over next to a man standing on the corner and asked for directions. “Excuse me; do you know where I can buy a hoe?” “A ho’? Talk to Leroy, next corner over there.” So the farmer drove to the next corner, where he saw a black man wearing a long fur coat, gold jewelry, and a sporty broad-brimmed hat with a feather in it. “Are you Leroy?” he asked the man. “Who’s askin’?” said Leroy. “I was told I could buy a hoe from you.” “Hey, now you talkin’! What’chu be looking for?” “I need a new hoe. The one I’ve got is pretty old and beat up.” “I got’s what you needs. What color you like?” “What color? Can be any damn color, I’ve just got some seed I need to plant.” “I hear that, my man! You looking for by the hour, or for a night?” “No no, I don’t want to _rent_ one, I want to _buy_ one!” “ **Buy** one, huh? Hmm… I gotta couple in my stable I could let go for the right price.” “I usually keep mine in a toolshed.” “Damn, you sho’ know how to keep yo’ bitches slapped down! Ok, tell you what; I got one that’s fine lookin’, be all yours for three grand.” “WHAT!? Three thousand dollars? That’s ridiculous!” “That’s the price, my man.” “Well… what if I paid for just the head?” “Jus’ head?” “Yeh, I’ve got a shaft it would fit on.” “Don’ we all? I got one, not too good lookin’, but if all you be wantin’ is head, she do fine.” “She? She who?” “The ho’. Name’s Tyleesha.” “Sounds like there’s a lot of sentimental value. Are you sure you want to sell?” “Oh no problem, I ain’t used her nearly two years now. You be usin’ her much?” “I guess maybe three or four hours a day.” “Damn, you got some stamina for an old guy!” “I used to be able to go from sunup 'till sundown, 'till my arthritis got worse.” “Ok, I letchu have Tyleesha for five hundred.” “WHAT? That’s still way too much!” “Hey, you the one needs a ho’ that bad. Take it or leave it!” The farmer drove away in disgust. Eventually he did find the hardware store, got the hoe he was looking for, and drove home. A few weeks later, the farmer’s purebred siamese cat had kittens, and he advertised them for sale. A black man showed up at his door, saying he’d heard he could get some pussy there; but that’s another story. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2012, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/188 "2012-07-16T22:00:32Z")
What’s black with two legs? A one-legged black man. What’s black with three legs? A piano! Why won’t blacks marry Mexicans? Their kids would be too dumb to steal. Why do blacks keep chickens on the lawn? To teach their kids how to walk. Why can’t blacks be airline pilots? Their lips pop over 20,000 feet. What’s stamped on the inside of every black man’s lips? “Inflate to 22 lbs.” What do you get if you cross a black with a Jew? A janitor who thinks he owns the building. What’s “The Great White Hope”? Sickle-cell anemia. A travelling salesman is driving through the Deep South when his car breaks down. He starts walking and finally comes to a old house with a black woman sitting on the porch and fifteen black kids playing in the yard. After using her phone to call for a tow truck, he strikes up a conversation with her. “Tell me, are those all your kids?” “Shore are!” “What are their names?” “Well, that’s little LeRoy over there … that one’s LeRoy … this here is LeRoy…” “Wait a minute! All your kids are named LeRoy?” “Shore are!” “But doesn’t that get confusing? What if you want LeRoy over there to come to you instead of LeRoy over there?” “That’s easy! I calls 'em by their last names!” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2012, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/189 "2012-07-16T22:07:41Z")
Why do blacks wear those hats with the big brims? So birds can’t shit on their lips. What’s black on the outside and white on the inside? Len Bias’s nose.\* Why is Len Bias like a bouquet of flowers? They both die two days after they’re picked.\* What division is Len Bias playing in now? Six feet and under.\* '80s cultural references. ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2012, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/190 "2012-07-16T22:10:49Z")
This joke doesn’t work as well on the screen as verbally, but I’ll share it anyway. Basically, for everything I say, you say “so did the fat lady.” I went to the store. –So did the fat lady. I bought bubblegum. –So did the fat lady. I chewed the gum. –So did the fat lady. I blew a big bubble. –So did the fat lady. It popped. –So did the fat lady. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2012, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/191 "2012-07-16T22:29:05Z")
_There was a young man from Bombay who fashioned a cunt out of clay. But the heat from his prick turned it into a brick and it chafed all his foreskin away._ _There was a young man from Madras whose testes were fashioned of brass. When he clanged them together, they played “Stormy Weather” and lightning shot out of his ass._ _There once was a young man named Lude whose girlfriend was kind of a prude. He got her to eat it o’er repulsion deep-seated by saying “Pretend that it’s food!”_ _There once was a young man from Uppingham who stood up on a bridge down a Buckingham, watching the stunts of the cunts in their punts and the tricks of the pricks that were fucking them._ _There was an old whore from Azores whose cunt was all covered with sores. The dogs wouldn’t eat the hunks of green meat that hung in festoons from her drawers._ _When asked by the Dutchess at tea if ever I fart when I pee, I replied with some wit “Do you belch when you shit?” and thought that was one up for me!_ _From the rocks at the Cove of St. Giles came a scream that resounded for miles. Said the Pope “Goodness gracious! Has Father Ignatius forgotten the Bishop has piles?”_ _“I’ll tell you” said Prom Chairman Rose “why Peggy’s the prom queen I chose. She’s delightfully free as the wind on the sea and besides, like the wind, Peggy blows!”_ And the ever-popular _There was a young man from Nantucket whose cock was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin as he wiped off his chin “If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!”_ and _There was an old hermit named Dave who kept a dead whore in his cave. He said with a grunt “It’s a mighty cold cunt, but think of the money I save!”_ ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2012, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/192 "2012-07-17T00:15:39Z")
What does a lesbian bring to a second date? A moving van. ---
**Author:** ![Full\_Tilt\_Boogie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/2acd7d/32.png) [@Full\_Tilt\_Boogie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Full_Tilt_Boogie)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2012, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/193 "2012-07-17T01:02:58Z")
A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a drink… ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2012, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/194 "2012-07-17T13:33:09Z")
> [@ElvisL1ves](#): > > What does a lesbian bring to a second date? A moving van. Along those lines: How can you spot a lesbian bar? Look for all the U-Hauls parked out front. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2012, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/195 "2012-07-17T14:37:34Z")
What do lesbians use for lubrication? Tartar sauce. Did you hear about the Polish lesbian? She liked men. How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, so long as he’s got plenty of oil and he’s reeeeeeal careful! How do you keep gay men from getting AIDS? Tell 'em to sit down and keep their mouths shut. Why did they bury Liberace upside down? So his friends would recognize him. In what film was Rock Hudson going to co-star with Sylvester Stallone? _Rambutt._ In what TV series was Rock Hudson going to co-star with Bruce Willis? _Moonbiting._ ---
**Author:** ![Bamboo\_Boy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/839c29/32.png) [@Bamboo\_Boy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bamboo_Boy)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2012, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/196 "2012-07-19T12:43:15Z")
Vintage Challenger jokes: What were Christa McAullife’s last words? What’s this red button for? Did you hear where she went for Spring break? (She was a teacher) All over Florida. How did they know she had dandruff? Her head and shoulders washed ashore. What was the last thing she said to your husband? You feed the dogs, I’ll feed the fish. All these jokes remind me of that craze in the 80’s with that book series “Truly Tasteless Jokes”. Anyone else remember these books? The ones I had were pre-Challenger era, though. ---
**Author:** ![nofun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/839c29/32.png) [@nofun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nofun)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 8:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/197 "2012-11-29T08:34:43Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > What do you call a quadriplegic in your swimming pool? > > Bob. > > What do you call a quadriplegic lying on your doorstep? > > Matt. What do you call a quadriplegic under a pile of leaves? Russell. ---
**Author:** ![Seamack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/46a35a/32.png) [@Seamack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seamack)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 8:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/198 "2012-11-29T08:55:56Z")
What is the most disgusting thing in the world? Sticking 5 oysters up granny’s cunt and sucking out six! ---
**Author:** ![BwanaBob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bwanabob/32/2985_2.png) [@BwanaBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BwanaBob)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/199 "2012-11-29T21:08:36Z")
Then there was the successful, blind, prostitute. You really had to hand it to her. ---
**Author:** ![PotatoPeeler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/838e76/32.png) [@PotatoPeeler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PotatoPeeler)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2012, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/200 "2012-11-29T22:28:11Z")
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403.md?page=11)