# Share your offensive jokes. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 30, 2012, 10:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403 "2012-04-30T10:18:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Yorikke](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yorikke/32/4335_2.png) [@Yorikke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yorikke)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2012, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/41 "2012-04-30T22:44:39Z")
More of a spoken one, but here goes - Q: What’s so great about fucking 25-year-olds? A: There’re twenty of 'em! Say it out loud if you don’t get it. Joe ---
**Author:** ![Yorikke](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yorikke/32/4335_2.png) [@Yorikke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yorikke)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2012, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/42 "2012-04-30T22:47:10Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Come on man, no Nazi or Holocaust jokes. You can’t make jokes about stuff like that. My own grandfather died in Auschwitz. He fell off a watch tower. [Here’s where I first saw that - the whole joke is here](http://i305.photobucket.com/albums/nn210/hrhomer/296108_1720829.jpg). Joe ---
**Author:** ![Yorikke](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yorikke/32/4335_2.png) [@Yorikke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yorikke)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2012, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/43 "2012-04-30T22:55:00Z")
> [@Stelios](#): > > [li]The plan to get my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat. [/li] > [@JKellyMap](#): > > Stelios, great jokes…but what on earth does this mean? Some Britishism, perhaps? > [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > It’s a play on Britishisms. He is putting cum on a dog treat. Which the dog then eats. Thereby swallowing his…you get it. I think the problem is the usage of the phrase “coming on a treat.” With my mighty reasoning power, I’m guessing it means something like “coming along great.” Americans (like me) have never heard the phrase “coming on a treat.” But the American phrase has no double entendre possibilities. Joe ---
**Author:** ![emcee2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emcee2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emcee2k)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2012, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/44 "2012-04-30T23:02:53Z")
A man and a young boy are walking into the woods at night. The boy says, “I’m scared”, the man says, “You’re scared? I have to walk back alone”. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2012, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/45 "2012-04-30T23:49:08Z")
What’s the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman’s mouth? Einstein’s cock. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2012, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/46 "2012-04-30T23:57:58Z")
What’s the worst thing about sex with a four-year-old? Getting the blood out of the clown suit. ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/47 "2012-05-01T00:10:53Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > What do you call a one-legged woman? > > Ilene. What do you call a short-legged Mexican woman? Consuelo. > [@MsWhatsit](#): > > Hey, did you know that Helen Keller had a swingset in her backyard? > > …yeah, neither did she. Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants? So you could read her lips. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/48 "2012-05-01T00:17:02Z")
Why do women have cunts? So men will talk to them. ---
**Author:** ![Crab\_Rangoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Crab\_Rangoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crab_Rangoon)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/49 "2012-05-01T00:53:00Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > What do you call a quadriplegic in your swimming pool? > > Bob. > > What do you call a quadriplegic lying on your doorstep? > > Matt. What do you call a quadriplegic lying in a leaf pile? Russel. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/50 "2012-05-01T01:48:50Z")
> [@Max\_Torque](#): > > Well, let me just tip the offensiveness scale with this one: > > What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and her vagina? > > Only _one_ retarded thing has come out of her vagina. OMG! My eyes are offended just reading that. We have a winner!! ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/51 "2012-05-01T01:50:37Z")
> [@Crab\_Rangoon](#): > > What do you call a quadriplegic lying in a leaf pile? > Russel. What do you call a quadriplegic learning to water ski? Skip ---
**Author:** ![Namkcalb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c89c15/32.png) [@Namkcalb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Namkcalb)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/52 "2012-05-01T02:08:47Z")
I guess this is the safest place for racist jokes. A white guy and a black guy were walking by a river and they quickly striped off to get ready to swim. The white guy said “slow down! it might be too cold, let me check”, and he promptly dipped his penis in to test it “it’s warm, let’s dive in”. But the black man quickly interjected “Hey, safety first, I’ll check how deep it is”, after “testing it”, he said, “all clear, it’s only two feet deep” Another racist one. Why do black people eat chocolate so carefully… because they are afraid of biting their fingers ---
**Author:** ![Pops1963](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9de053/32.png) [@Pops1963](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pops1963)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/53 "2012-05-01T03:54:34Z")
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his head. The bartender walks over and says “that’s pretty cool,where did you get it?” The parrot says “Africa they’re all over the fucking place” ---
**Author:** ![GameHat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ed655f/32.png) [@GameHat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GameHat)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/54 "2012-05-01T05:02:24Z")
Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver? She was a woman ---
**Author:** ![GameHat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ed655f/32.png) [@GameHat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GameHat)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/55 "2012-05-01T05:15:14Z")
Still, my favorite offensive joke is best without a punchline. And yes I got this from _The Simpsons_, wherein Krusty begins: “This guy walks into a bar, he takes out a tiny piano, and a twelve inch pianist” “oh, no, wait, I can’t tell that one!” LOL There are a few punchlines for that one floating around. But it really is best without. Imagination and all, I mean. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/56 "2012-05-01T06:47:53Z")
Reminds me of our seventh grade camping trip, when our strait-laced English teacher told us, “There once was a man from Nantucket… well, I’m afraid I’m just going to have to leave it at that.” Nowadays, of course, kids would look it up on their I-phones and the mystery would be solved in minutes, even out in the woods. No such luck for us kids back in the day. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/57 "2012-05-01T07:00:18Z")
> [@cosmosdan](#): > > OMG! My eyes are offended just reading that. > > We have a winner!! The “r word” usually makes me stabby, but that’s too funny to get worked up about. (it’s also true BTW) ---
**Author:** ![Stelios](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Stelios](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stelios)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/58 "2012-05-01T12:33:16Z")
> [@Peter\_Morris](#): > > What’s the World’s thinnest strip of beach? > > Bobby Sands. Ha! That one’s brilliant 😃 ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/59 "2012-05-01T12:51:24Z")
Q: Why do all men float? ``` Y'know, like if I throw them in the lake, they float to the top? (C'mon ladies, I know you know the answer!) ``` A: Because they’re all scum! * * * Q: Why are only 20% of the people in heaven women? A: Otherwise it’d be just like hell! ---
**Author:** ![Stelios](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Stelios](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stelios)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/60 "2012-05-01T12:56:25Z")
A few more [ul] [li] “Jesus loves you.” A nice gesture in church.[/li] A terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison. [li] “Darling, why are there broken condoms on our couch?”[/li] “Stelios… Would you please call our children by their names?” [li] I was driving around the other day and started feeling really horny. So I decided to swing by this well known dogging spot that was close by. There were a few other cars there so I pulled up and joined in.[/li] I had a great time, but I think I failed my driving test. [li] When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.[/li] And then I saw her face. [li] I’m Josef Fritzl, and no windows was _my_ idea![/li][li] Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, “Get outta here, you little shit!”[/li] A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny’s bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to. Little Johnny smiles, “It’s not so fucking funny when it’s YOUR mum, is it?” [/ul] [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403.md?page=4)