# Share your offensive jokes. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 30, 2012, 10:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403 "2012-04-30T10:18:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![The\_Man\_With\_The\_Golden\_Gun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dc4da7/32.png) [@The\_Man\_With\_The\_Golden\_Gun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Man_With_The_Golden_Gun)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/81 "2012-05-01T21:07:56Z")
Why did Hitler commit suicide? He got the gas bill. Why wouldn’t Hitler make a good President? Because he’s dead. Where do you send a Jew with ADD? To a concentration camp. Did you know that Hitler died on a Jewish holiday? Any day Hitler dies would be a Jewish holiday. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2012, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/82 "2012-05-01T22:21:21Z")
> [@Max\_Torque](#): > > Well, let me just tip the offensiveness scale with this one: > > What’s the difference between Sarah Palin’s mouth and her vagina? > > Only _one_ retarded thing has come out of her vagina. I literally laughed out loud at this one. ---
**Author:** ![BunnyTVS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BunnyTVS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyTVS)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2012, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/83 "2012-05-02T00:54:30Z")
> [@Stelios](#): > > I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night. > > As she got in I asked, “How much for a blow job?” > > She said, “Thirty bucks.” > > I said, “Can you do twenty?” > > “Yeah, okay” she replied. > > I said, “Great, here’s $600 then” And some of my favourite (also from [sickipedia.org](http://sickipedia.org)) > [@](#): > > I took a girl back to my place last night. > > After swallowing my cum she jumped up, got dressed and left. > > I guess she’s not used to seeing a guy ejaculate in his own mouth. > [@](#): > > If you go for a piss and your urine is clear, you’re hydrated. > > If it’s yellow, you’re dehydrated. > > If it’s white, you’re shaking your cock too much. ---
**Author:** ![Plumpudding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Plumpudding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plumpudding)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2012, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/84 "2012-05-02T00:57:18Z")
> [@JKellyMap](#): > > I take it these are meant to be a satire of some notion of Estonia as cold, and its inhabitants as sad. > > I thought the jokes were hilarious…BUT… > > I visited Estonia 10 years ago (in the summer, admittedly), and guess what – nothing but happy, gorgeous, colorful young people (or so it seemed), enjoying life and sunshine and joy. So, maybe some other, truly drab/dour culture should be lampooned for these jokes. Any suggestions? I’ve never been there, so you’re probably right. I’ve heard from bulgarian students that bulgaria is pretty bad, but I think they have quite nice weather… Reminds me of a story one of them told me. Apparently there’s this holyday that requires primary-school students to buy a flower for their teacher. Funny thing is, later that day he gave her the flower he went past the florist on the way home and spotted his teachers selling off big bouquets of flowers back to the florist. Haha. But as for what country could fit I have no idea. Ukraine? Anyway, lot’s of funny jokes in this thread. Loved the one about how mothers in kentucky finds out about their daughters period. ---
**Author:** ![tim-n-va](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim-n-va/32/3001_2.png) [@tim-n-va](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim-n-va)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2012, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/85 "2012-05-02T01:37:12Z")
Q: How is broccoli like anal sex? A: If you were forced to have it as a child you probably won’t like it as an adult. ---
**Author:** ![pope\_hentai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ee59a6/32.png) [@pope\_hentai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pope_hentai)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2012, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/86 "2012-05-02T01:52:33Z")
have you heard the one about the jewish man vacationing in thailand? yeah, he brought his own kids! ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2012, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/87 "2012-05-02T14:17:28Z")
What’s worse than than having Michael Jackson babysit your son? Having a Penn State football coach bath him. Why did PSU name it Beaver Stadium? Because “Fucking Little Boys Up The Ass Stadium” took too many letters. Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death. To calm the situation, Jesus said: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.” Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot. Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: “Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off.” A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, “My child, why are you so upset?” The little girl turns to him and says, “My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there.” The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, “It’s just not your day, is it?” ---
**Author:** ![LonesomePolecat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a88e57/32.png) [@LonesomePolecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LonesomePolecat)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2012, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/88 "2012-05-02T18:22:10Z")
> [@SnakesCatLady](#): > > What do you call a quadriplegic hanging on the wall? > > Art. What do you call a quadraplegic floating in the ocean? Chum. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2012, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/89 "2012-05-02T18:25:48Z")
> [@LonesomePolecat](#): > > What do you call a quadraplegic floating in the ocean? > > Chum. Chum Bob Squarepants? ---
**Author:** ![LonesomePolecat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a88e57/32.png) [@LonesomePolecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LonesomePolecat)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2012, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/90 "2012-05-02T19:01:00Z")
> [@JKellyMap](#): > > So, maybe some other, truly drab/dour culture should be lampooned for these jokes. Any suggestions? How about North Korea? Lots of hunger, deprivation, and just plain old general misery there. Q: What do you call a North Korean woman with a yeast infection? A. A quarter pounder with cheese. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2012, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/91 "2012-05-02T19:02:26Z")
How do you get an Italian woman pregnant? Cum in her shoes and let the flies do the rest. ---
**Author:** ![Capt\_Kirk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@Capt\_Kirk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capt_Kirk)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2012, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/92 "2012-05-02T20:20:56Z")
A Catholic Priest and his old friend a Rabbi are walking down the street in Brooklyn, having a chat about their respective congregations, when a young boy darts between them and runs off Priest " I would lave to fuck that boy" Rabbi " Out of what?" ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2012, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/93 "2012-05-02T21:51:47Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > How do you make a dead baby float? > Two scoops of ice cream, some soda, and a dead baby. Even grosser the way I heard it: “Soda, two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.” My fave: What did the leper say to the prostitute? “Keep the tip.” ---
**Author:** ![Stelios](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Stelios](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stelios)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2012, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/94 "2012-05-02T22:37:55Z")
A few more: [ul] [li] Just been on [bigbustycoons.com](http://bigbustycoons.com)[/li] Damn, those guys have really good bus companies. [li] When people with lisps say “Bithneth”, you know they mean business. [/li][li] My mate told me that I just don’t understand irony. [/li] Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time. [li] A massive scouser, shaven-headed, muscles on his muscles, tattoos on his tattoos, is sitting in Liverpool’s roughest pub having a pint, when in comes a slender, camp, smartly dressed man. The man sits next to the scouser, orders an appletini, and then turns to the scouser and says “Hello sailor. How about meeting me round the back for a blow-job?”[/li] At this, the scouser promptly flies into a furious rage. He picks up the other man, runs him head first all along the bar, drops him to the floor and then pummels him relentlessly for five whole minutes, before throwing him out onto the street. “Jesus Terry” said the barman "What did that poor fella say to you? “Dunno” the scouser replied “Something about a job” [li] A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing is moving. [/li] Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, “What’s going on?” “Terrorists have kidnapped David Cameron. They’re asking for a $310 million ransom. Otherwise they’re going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.” The driver asks, “How much is everyone giving, on average?” “About half a gallon!” [li] Once upon a time, a lonely little boy was wandering through an enchanted forest when he came to a beautiful lagoon in a small clearing. At the waters edge, on a lilypad, there sat a magical frog. The frog said “Help me, young master. For I am a noble prince, cursed by a sorcerer to end my days in the body of a frog. Take me with you, and together we shall undo this wizard’s curse. I shall reward you beyond your wildest dreams”[/li] Well, the boy immediately picked up the frog and took him home. The frog said “Young master, for me to turn back into a man, I must spend one night in your bed.” The boy agreed and when he went to bed he took the magic frog and tucked him up snugly beside him. The next day, the boy awoke to find that the wizard’s curse had indeed been lifted, and that the frog had changed back into a full grown man. “Oh rapturous day!”. He cried, and there was much rejoicing throughout the household. And that, your honour, concludes the case for the defence. [/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2012, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/95 "2012-05-03T00:14:26Z")
> [@Stelios](#): > > [li] My mate told me that I just don’t understand irony. [/li] > Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time. Ironically, I’m laughing the most at this one, which isn’t offensive. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2012, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/96 "2012-05-03T03:07:31Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Ironically, I’m laughing the most at this one, which isn’t offensive. Speak for yourself. I’m offended. Just where do you get off speaking for me?:mad: ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2012, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/97 "2012-05-03T03:09:32Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Ironically, I’m laughing the most at this one, which isn’t offensive. > [@kayaker](#): > > Speak for yourself. I’m offended. Just where do you get off speaking for me?:mad: Let me guess. You’re a white man. Am I right? What are you trying to pull? N/M. ---
**Author:** ![Diver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@Diver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diver)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2012, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/98 "2012-05-03T22:03:38Z")
What are used tampons good for? Tea bags for vampires. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2012, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/99 "2012-05-04T14:00:02Z")
> [@Pops1963](#): > > A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his head. > The bartender walks over and says “that’s pretty cool,where did you get it?” > The parrot says “Africa they’re all over the fucking place” The version I heard was A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his head. “Hey what the hell’s the matter with you, we don’t allow those in here.” The bartender yelled. “You don’t allow parrots?” asks the black man “I was talking to the parrot”, says the bartender. ---
**Author:** ![Stelios](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Stelios](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stelios)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2012, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403/100 "2012-05-06T19:25:54Z")
Images of Michael Jackson are to appear on cans of Pepsi to mark the 25th anniversary of the release of his album ‘Bad’. So, nearly 3 years after his death, he’s still finding his way down children’s throats. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/share-your-offensive-jokes/620403.md?page=6)