# She wanted a White child from a Sperm Bank **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 1, 2014, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120 "2014-10-01T19:30:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/161 "2014-10-03T20:20:08Z")
> [@brickbacon](#): > > Okay, but you have a problem with YOUR child being of either race. That is not really a particularly fine or noteworthy distinction. Do you honestly think that is more admirable than those who, “don’t hate Black people, but don’t want them living next door or dating their daughter”? I think I have a right to decide both the race of my child and the race of people whom I fuck. You are deliberately taking the negative, i.e., “I don’t want my kid to be black or white”. I see it the other way: I would vastly prefer my kid to be one of two races, if I have a choice. It’s not anti-black or anti-white or even pro-Indian - I don’t care that I am Indian, only that I happen to want my kid to be the same race as me. I don’t think that’s wrong. > [@brickbacon](#): > > Your anticipation of support is not guaranteed nor is it a basis for a lawsuit based on actual losses. It would be like some rich kid whose parents told him they would cut him off if he got into a car accident suing the other party in an accident for his lost inheritance on top of car repairs. It doesn’t work that way. Your shitty parents don’t compound or aggravate someone else’s mistake. I don’t think that’s an apt comparison. For it to be an apt comparison, the insurance company would have had to promise something, that they did not deliver. If I buy a 2012 Honda Fit and they send me a 2011 Honda-something-else, they can easily replace my car. If they refused to make good, I might very well take them to court, even if my 2011 car was just fine. They can’t easily replace it when they send me an incorrect baby. Anyway I think the judge will decide if she gets compensation. I think she should, some, anyway. The company screwed up. It should pay. I’m not sure why it should just get off scot-free for its mistake. We should just shrug and go Whoops! They just draw randomly from a pile of bottles of semen! We have no idea what you’re going to get, so don’t even bother picking! ETA: > [@Chingon](#): > > Additionally, if the bank makes a clerical error and sends the wrong sperm you have every right to be upset and sue them for negligence. Thakn you, this makes sense to me. I don’t know about additional money - I really don’t. I’m no expert in the law! I’ve never even thought about it (having a child in this manner). But I do agree with the lawsuit in general. Not every lawsuit is frivolous. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/162 "2014-10-03T20:32:19Z")
> [@brickbacon](#): > > If McDonald’s gives me the wrong order, and I only discover it after getting home, something bad happened. I perhaps suffered ill effects. If McDonald’s then apologizes and gives me a refund, I am probably not in a worse position, nor have I been damaged despite the fact that I may have wasted time and gas to go back to get my order corrected. > > You usually have to prove you have suffered a loss or injury that can be compensated with a fixed sum of money and that defendant is the party responsible for your loss or injury. Both points would be problematic in the adoption case in my opinion. You get a wrong order at McDonald’s and they can pay you back and give you the right food. You get the wrong child and they can’t really make you whole. It’s like McDonald’s saying “Well, we’ll give you the money back, but you can never have the Big Mac again.” Her life is irrevocably different than it would have been had they done their jobs properly. And you acknowledge that is isn’t okay what they did. So, it wasn’t okay, they couldn’t undo it, and she has to live with it. How is that not damage? She chose a donor in one of the most important decisions any person can ever make. If she were married to a man and was supposed to be inseminated with her husband’s sperm and they inseminated her with the wrong man’s, would that still be a no-harm, no-foul situation in your mind? ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/163 "2014-10-03T20:37:36Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Of course! What I wouldn’t dream of giving my unborn offspring every advantage in life. Only the best food, education, and housing. Free ride in college. Amazing vacations to exotic locations. An environment where people won’t judge them for being the wrong race. All the skills, knowledge, and patience on my part to raise a healthy citizen. Most people want that. > > Am I entitled to any of this? And is my unborn child? If no in my case, why is this plaintiff so entitled to only the best? > > By using a sperm bank, she took a gamble she’d get some qualities she might’ve not gotten if she’d conceived the conventional way. It’s obvious she got more than she gambled for when the company gave her the wrong sperm, and because of that, it bears some responsibility. But I object to the idea that raising a biracial child is a costly and burdensome situation that requires reparations. Did someone’s negligence keep you from providing those things to your child? If so, you should sue. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/164 "2014-10-03T20:37:56Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > They can’t easily replace it when they send me an incorrect baby. Yeah, I think comparisons to normal consumer goods will always run into the limitations of this analogy. A baby is not like a hamburger or a car or any other thing that can just be refunded and replaced. A baby has independent existence and significance. They can’t just be sent back to the kitchen or returned to the store. So, if you’re in the business of babies, you’d better get it right because the stakes are really fucking high. ---
**Author:** ![Aangelica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b2d939/32.png) [@Aangelica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aangelica)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/165 "2014-10-03T20:44:33Z")
> [@brickbacon](#): > > What a bullshit excuse. First, any random stranger knows the kid was not the exclusive product of two lesbians, so the idea that two lesbians would have to explain a biracial child, but not a White one makes no sense whatsoever. Second, the kid is actually HERS. The explanation is pretty straightforward. Lastly, who the fuck cares what some random stranger might assume, suspect, or ask. She doesn’t owe an explanation to anyone, and even if she chooses to answer these inquiries, the answer is pretty succinct. “Did you adopt?”. " No, she is my daughter". It’s a pretty short conversation. That is, unless you think a lesbian’s choose to either procreate with a minority, or willingly choose minority sperm warrants some special explanation. You know, interestingly, what most people assume when they see a small child with two women is not that the two women are a lesbian couple. At least not in my experience - and I’ve been one of a pair of women with a small child many, many times. They assume that only one of the two ladies is a parent and the other is a friend or other relative of some sort. At least in my experience. If you have a different experience of being one of a pair of ladies with a small child, feel free to tell me how _your_ experience differs. My point was less that she owed anyone an explanation and more that she’s going to be obliged to respond - either to explain, or to give a non-explanatory, STFU to the inquirer and more that the desire to avoid having to deal with the situation at all is reasonable. Either way, it’s a conversation that mostly gets avoided if mother and baby are apparently of the same racial background. > [@brickbacon](#): > > Again, do you think most people see a lesbian couple with a kid of the same race, and assume the child was conceived by two women? I do not in fact think that - in fact, I think the opposite. I think that if I were a lesbian adopting a child, it is certainly a reasonable thing to consider arranging matters to minimize the number of random strangers questioning one about one’s reproductive history and family structure. > [@brickbacon](#): > > I think it’s sad that your seeming cowardice is going to prevent you from adopting plenty of kids just because they have a different skin color rather then telling these prying strangers to fuck off. That’s not even addressing the fact that choosing to adopt doesn’t imply infertility. It’s not exclusively about you, it’s about hopefully making a better life for all of you. Your fear of what strangers might think or say is not all too different from racists in the past who didn’t want their kids fraternizing with Blacks because of that the neighbors would think. I, and almost every other parent I know, do not have the time or energy to dwell on what others will think about how my child came to be. Oh, thank you so much for this right here. The decision whether or not to adopt children, and the circumstances and criteria under which any individual elects to do so (or not do so) are deeply personal. Since you’ve apparently decided - and feel totally comfortable posting - that I’m a cowardly racist, don’t let me stop you. I’m sure you won’t believe me, cowardly soul that I am, but while I can understand why someone might consider the racial background of a child they were adopting, it wasn’t a factor that played into my own considerations on the topic. My point - not that that it matters to you in your rush to call me out for not being brave enough to adopt a child of whatever racial background was handy at the moment - is that a reasoned decision about the extent to which anyone wants to set up circumstances such that they’ll - at a minimum - have to field questions on the topic is a reasonable thing to consider. Also, you’re wrong. Deciding whether or not adoption is a good option for me is a decision that is _entirely_ about me. (Well, and my husband, because decisions about appropriate family planning are the sorts of things responsible, happily married people reach a consensus with their spouse about). I’ll also point out that if I feared what strangers thought and said about me, I sure as shit would not be posting on _this_ message board. And you’ve just thoughtfully given me a graphic example of why that might be. > [@brickbacon](#): > > There are plenty of indications that she has racist tendencies not limited to her comments, the stated facts in her lawsuit, and her decision to move to a racist neighborhood. Once glaring is example of this is that their previous desire to get the same sperm in order to impregnate her partner with a child who is related to his/her sibling seems to have been aborted when they found out the sperm was from a Black guy. Why, in the name of all that’s sane and holy, would she be willing to accept a _second_ sperm donation from the clinic that f-ed up the first one so egregiously? Also, and I may very well be mistaken about this, but isn’t she seeking funds to move _away_ from the racist neighborhood - which she presumably lived in before her daughter was born? ---
**Author:** ![brickbacon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@brickbacon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brickbacon)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/166 "2014-10-03T20:49:23Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I think I have a right to decide both the race of my child and the race of people whom I fuck. Of course you do. However, that is not at all logically connected to what you said or what we are discussing. > [@Anaamika](#): > > You are deliberately taking the negative, i.e., “I don’t want my kid to be black or white”. I see it the other way: I would vastly prefer my kid to be one of two races, if I have a choice. I did no such thing. You took the negative. Need I remind you. You said: > [@Anaamika](#): > > If I was to adopt or maybe have a child in this manner, **I WOULD NOT want a white child! Or a black child!** Note you didn’t say you would WANT and Indian child there. You said what you did NOT want, and you used exclamation points. Furthermore, your preference, if we are assuming your situation is analogous to the case in question, is moot. It’s already happened. The question is whether the race of the child being difference from what you requested is sufficient justification for seeking damages. > [@Anaamika](#): > > It’s not anti-black or anti-white or even pro-Indian - I don’t care that I am Indian, only that I happen to want my kid to be the same race as me. I don’t think that’s wrong. Sure, it’s wrong. It may be a common sentiment, but it doesn’t make it less wrong. Would you blanch at calling a White guy who only wanted White grandkids racist or bigoted? What about if he wanted to live in an all White town? Probably not a tough call there. It’s not the most racist thing someone could desire, but it certainly is a bit racist under most circumstances. Why? Because most of the time, the race of one’s child is immutable byproduct. It’s not something malleable beyond the choice of a mate. When you do have a choice, the decision is usually based on social beliefs and and prejudices predicated on their being a qualitative difference. Hiding behind this desire for racial purity or preference is the innocuous sounding excuse of wanting to match of fit in; which is EXACTLY what most racists say in polite company. I don’t know you well enough to say you you are a racist, but if you are expecting to get a pass because your misguided notions are not provably racist, I think you will have to look elsewhere. > [@Anaamika](#): > > I don’t think that’s an apt comparison. For it to be an apt comparison, the insurance company would have had to promise something, that they did not deliver. If I buy a 2012 Honda Fit and they send me a 2011 Honda-something-else, they can easily replace my car. If they refused to make good, I might very well take them to court, even if my 2011 car was just fine. They can’t easily replace it when they send me an incorrect baby. Correct, but the assessment of damages is not based on what you wanted, but the incurred costs you took on, and the qualitative differences between what you go and what you contacted for. > [@Anaamika](#): > > I’m not sure why it should just get off scot-free for its mistake. We should just shrug and go Whoops! They just draw randomly from a pile of bottles of semen! We have no idea what you’re going to get, so don’t even bother picking! Would you say the same about a restaurant who got an order wrong? Of course not unless there was clear malice or massive negligence. One mistake can happen to anyone. The whole idea that not being sued into debt for one mistake means you got off scot-free is strange in my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/167 "2014-10-03T20:51:26Z")
> [@brickbacon](#): > > Correct, but the assessment of damages is not based on what you wanted, but the incurred costs you took on, and the qualitative differences between what you go and what you contacted for. So, it’s not based on what you wanted, but on the difference between what you got and what you wanted. Thanks for clearing that up! ---
**Author:** ![Clu-Me-In](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@Clu-Me-In](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clu-Me-In)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/168 "2014-10-03T20:54:11Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > You get a wrong order at McDonald’s and they can pay you back and give you the right food. > > You get the wrong child and they can’t really make you whole. It’s like McDonald’s saying “Well, we’ll give you the money back, but you can never have the Big Mac again.” You go to McDonald’s and order a Crispy Chicken Sandwich. They fill your order with Original Chicken Sandwich (Non-Crispy). You take it home, eat it, and it was enjoyable. You then call them up and request that they give you more of what you just ate, they look up your order and give you another Original Chicken sandwich, which you promptly decline cos you had originally ordered a Crispy Chicken Sandwich. They confirm that what they had given you was an Original Chicken sandwich, apologize and offer to refund the money you paid for the sandwich that you ate and enjoyed. You decline and sue them for a lot of money to punish them for not having served you what you originally asked for. Yes, they made a mistake but I say; you win your case and your award amounts to $100. THE END. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/169 "2014-10-03T20:56:11Z")
> [@Clu-Me-In](#): > > You go to McDonald’s and order a Crispy Chicken Sandwich. They fill your order with Original Chicken Sandwich (Non-Crispy). You take it home, eat it, and it was enjoyable. Yeah, I’m not going to attempt to parse this analogy. It’s just terrible. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/170 "2014-10-03T20:58:19Z")
> [@brickbacon](#): > > Please explain to me though how it costs $50k+, the amount they are suing for, to move? If I lived in rural Minnesota - where school districts tend to be pretty decent - and moved into the Twin Cities, I would have at least a $50k delta in housing costs to get a similarly sized house in a similar condition in a similar school district where the community was diverse. That doesn’t include the $30k it would cost us to move our possessions (we had it looked at a little over a year ago when we were considering a cross country move), the loss of vacation time from switching jobs. Loss of 401k vesting. Annual costs to visit family for trips for the next number of years. Frankly - $50k seems like a bargain. It would cost them a lot more to move me. ---
**Author:** ![brickbacon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@brickbacon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brickbacon)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/171 "2014-10-03T21:16:03Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > You get a wrong order at McDonald’s and they can pay you back and give you the right food. > > You get the wrong child and they can’t really make you whole. It’s like McDonald’s saying “Well, we’ll give you the money back, but you can never have the Big Mac again.” Right, which is again why the analogy is imperfect. However, the law is pretty clear that you need to substantiate ACTUAL damages. > [@jsgoddess](#): > > Her life is irrevocably different than it would have been had they done their jobs properly. And you acknowledge that is isn’t okay what they did. So, it wasn’t okay, they couldn’t undo it, and she has to live with it. How is that not damage? Damage does not equal different. The issue is whether she is worse off as a result of their mistake. Unless you think the company is responsible for her racist neighbors, I am not sure why she should get tens of thousands of dollars above and beyond a refund. > [@jsgoddess](#): > > If she were married to a man and was supposed to be inseminated with her husband’s sperm and they inseminated her with the wrong man’s, would that still be a no-harm, no-foul situation in your mind? Again, how is it no-harm no-foul? More importantly, the basis for the above complaint is not having a kid of the wrong race, but from the wrong person. If this case was predicated on the mix up as opposed to race, people would not have come down so hard on her. > [@Aangelica](#): > > You know, interestingly, what most people assume when they see a small child with two women is not that the two women are a lesbian couple. At least not in my experience - and I’ve been one of a pair of women with a small child many, many times. I suppose that is true. Now please explain how that redeems anything you said? Your point was that this woman will have to explain the child to others because she isn’t the same race. That makes no sense given: 1. The child is actually hers 2. Anyone who picks up that she is a lesbian will know the child is not exclusively a byproduct of their relations 3. Everyone will assume that the father is of a different race, which is actually true. > [@Aangelica](#): > > My point was less that she owed anyone an explanation and more that she’s going to be obliged to respond - either to explain, or to give a non-explanatory, STFU to the inquirer and more that the desire to avoid having to deal with the situation at all is reasonable. Again, do you think every interracial couple gets constant comments and questions on HOW their child is theirs? You seem to be thinking these inquisitions will devolve into her having to explain she was inseminated with a Black guy’s sperm. > [@Aangelica](#): > > Either way, it’s a conversation that mostly gets avoided if mother and baby are apparently of the same racial background. Or, if the kid is clearly biracial and bears some similarity to the parent, who is not incidentally the biological parent as well. > [@Aangelica](#): > > I do not in fact think that - in fact, I think the opposite. I think that if I were a lesbian adopting a child, it is certainly a reasonable thing to consider arranging matters to minimize the number of random strangers questioning one about one’s reproductive history and family structure. This is just such a non-factor, and mostly exists to allow people to justify their prejudices. > [@Aangelica](#): > > I’m sure you won’t believe me, cowardly soul that I am… If your hesitance to adopt a kid of a different race boils down to worrying what people will think or what questions others might ask you, then you ARE being a coward. > [@Aangelica](#): > > Also, you’re wrong. Deciding whether or not adoption is a good option for me is a decision that is _entirely_ about me. That’s not what I said. > [@Aangelica](#): > > Why, in the name of all that’s sane and holy, would she be willing to accept a _second_ sperm donation from the clinic that f-ed up the first one so egregiously? If her primary concern was that her kids be related, then she really doesn’t have much of a choice. Furthermore, there are several ways she could ensure the above was true without having to exclusively rely on the bank’s assurance. > [@Aangelica](#): > > Also, and I may very well be mistaken about this, but isn’t she seeking funds to move _away_ from the racist neighborhood - which she presumably lived in before her daughter was born? She is seeking damages in excess of $50k. Why would it cost that much to move? More importantly, why would it be okay to raise a White child in a hostile racist environment anyway? ---
**Author:** ![brickbacon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@brickbacon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brickbacon)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/172 "2014-10-03T21:31:59Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > So, it’s not based on what you wanted, but on the difference between what you got and what you wanted. > > Thanks for clearing that up! Do you have a reading comprehension problem? > [@Dangerosa](#): > > If I lived in rural Minnesota - where school districts tend to be pretty decent - and moved into the Twin Cities, I would have at least a $50k delta in housing costs to get a similarly sized house in a similar condition in a similar school district where the community was diverse. How is that comparable though? Clearly, moving from Baltimore, MD to Potomac, MD or East Palo Alto to Palo Alto is gonna cost more. That doesn’t make it a fair or reasonable request just to satisfy diversity requirements. > [@Dangerosa](#): > > That doesn’t include the $30k it would cost us to move our possessions That is absurdly high (bordering on unbelievable) even if you hired people to pack and unpack. > [@Dangerosa](#): > > the loss of vacation time from switching jobs. Loss of 401k vesting. Annual costs to visit family for trips for the next number of years. I believe this lady works at an AT&T store. I don’t think most of those things are large considerations. But if they are, she should feel free to argue them. > [@Dangerosa](#): > > Frankly - $50k seems like a bargain. It would cost them a lot more to move me. It would cost them more to PAY me to move too, but it would not COST them that much to actually move me. BIG difference. She can only recover the latter. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/173 "2014-10-03T21:34:37Z")
> [@brickbacon](#): > > More importantly, why would it be okay to raise a White child in a hostile racist environment anyway? It isn’t, and some of us have taken pains to avoid that regardless of what our children look like. This mom is apparently not one of those people since she would have tolerated it if she hadn’t had a biracial child. Racism is bad for everybody. But it’s obvious that it’s worse if you’re on the receiving end of the bigotry, isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/174 "2014-10-03T21:39:34Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > But this is a lot different not because of some subjectively defined “hardship”, but because the hospital’s neglience has resulted in a parents’ child being given away to someone else. That there is pain and suffering associated with that is more obvious. > > In this case, the daughter is biologically the mother’s. Her skin is just darker and her hair is more coily. This distinction as to the switched-baby cases strikes me as strained. In both cases, the parents get a healthy baby with the wrong person’s genetic material, due to somebody’s mistake. Why is the pain and suffering of having a baby with the wrong genes “obvious” in the one case and “subjective” in the other? Or rather, why is the pain and suffering obvious in a case of a baby that looks like the mother and not in the case of a baby that doesn’t? ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/175 "2014-10-03T21:47:00Z")
> [@brickbacon](#): > > More importantly, why would it be okay to raise a White child in a hostile racist environment anyway? Because the stakes are different - white people don’t tend to get shot by police in hostile racists environments for being white. They don’t tend to get pulled over for driving while white. They don’t see statistically different discipline in school - with escalation happening much faster and much more severe consequences for the same behavior. Here is the uncomfortable truth - it costs money for minorities - especially blacks - to raise their children in safe environments with good schools. They can’t live in certain communities and expect that their children will be treated with fairness. The communities that they can live in are often either expensive, or poverty ridden. And that is a systemic problem. As a white family, I can move my family to nearly anywhere in the U.S. I can live in a low cost of living area like Montana or South Dakota or Alabama. I can consider taking a job that would move me to rural Georgia. There will be many factors in if I consider that move - but its unlikely to be “will my children be treated with respect and get a fair shake.” As the mother of a minority child, I have to consider that when we talk about moving - Portland is fine…Atlanta only good in some suburbs - be cautious. Austin better than most of the rest of Texas - research carefully. That’s white privilege - and it means white people are going to spend less because there are more choices out there to provide a high standard of living without worry about my children or myself getting treated fairly. This family has recourse to address the economic impact of white privilege on their lives - because the situation they are put in has been the result of negligence on the part of the sperm bank. Would it be really awesome if they didn’t need to address the issue of white privilege - yep. And most white people get to go through their lives not really needing to address it. But they have to - for their daughter’s sake. One of my friends believes they should stay in the racist town - because the only way the town will change is if they are forced to change by addressing race. And that is the only way the town is likely to change. But that is a big burden for a little girl. None of this means that the little girl is defective. Society is defective. Then the question becomes - should they simply eat the costs for their relocation and not sue. And I don’t think they should. And that comes down to a sperm bank that apparently has not changed its processes in the two years since this happened. The parents made a decision to use sperm from a white man - perhaps it was the default decision of most parents who want a child that looks like them and at a sperm bank (unlike adoption) that is an easy decision to make. Or perhaps they decided that a white child was in their comfort level - that doesn’t make you racist - it merely means that given the choice, you like your cocoon of white privilege and you aren’t ready to take up the banner of race relations (and as a lesbian couple, perhaps you already feel you are doing your part for tolerance and inclusion) (and taking up that banner won’t be a choice - your minority child will run into a situation that is fairly clearly discriminatory - probably with a teacher - will you let it stand.) But regardless of their reason, the sperm bank did not give them what they asked for - which the sperm bank was contracted to do - and they are now facing expenses to remediate. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/176 "2014-10-03T21:51:26Z")
So we’re basically talking about compensating this woman for the loss of white privilege, at least with regard to her daughter. Fun, huh? ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/177 "2014-10-03T21:55:34Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > So we’re basically talking about compensating this woman for the loss of white privilege, at least with regard to her daughter. Fun, huh? Actually, if we were talking about that - we’d be talking about a LOT more money. Us white folk have it darn good and it shows up in everything from our kindergarten grades to our annual salary. She is just hoping for some money to minimize the effect of white privilege. ---
**Author:** ![brickbacon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@brickbacon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brickbacon)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/178 "2014-10-03T22:21:54Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > It isn’t, and some of us have taken pains to avoid that regardless of what our children look like. This mom is apparently not one of those people since she would have tolerated it if she hadn’t had a biracial child. Racism is bad for everybody. But it’s obvious that it’s worse if you’re on the receiving end of the bigotry, isn’t it? Sure. I completely agree. My point is just that this town objectively deleterious no matter the color of her kid’s skin. > [@Dangerosa](#): > > Because the stakes are different - white people don’t tend to get shot by police in hostile racists environments for being white… Well said. I agree with most of what you posted, but none of it speaks to my question which was not why it is _worse_, but why it’s _okay_ for a White kid. > [@Dangerosa](#): > > This family has recourse to address the economic impact of white privilege on their lives - because the situation they are put in has been the result of negligence on the part of the sperm bank. But why should a specific act of negligence be the means for addressing societal White privilege? > [@Dangerosa](#): > > One of my friends believes they should stay in the racist town - because the only way the town will change is if they are forced to change by addressing race. And that is the only way the town is likely to change. But that is a big burden for a little girl. I think them changing is highly unlikely. > [@Dangerosa](#): > > Then the question becomes - should they simply eat the costs for their relocation and not sue. They should sue if they can demonstrate those direct costs. > [@Dangerosa](#): > > And that comes down to a sperm bank that apparently has not changed its processes in the two years since this happened. Was this reported somewhere? > [@Dangerosa](#): > > But regardless of their reason, the sperm bank did not give them what they asked for - which the sperm bank was contracted to do - and they are now facing expenses to remediate. Their lawsuit is not based on it being the wrong sperm but rather sperm of a Black guy. That is the part I take issue with. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/179 "2014-10-03T22:33:48Z")
> [@brickbacon](#): > > Sure. I completely agree. My point is just that this town objectively deleterious no matter the color of her kid’s skin. I agree, and for that matter you could say the same thing about a ton of places. You could say it about America in general or many other countries with significant problems related to race. It’s fair to say she must not have realized this was a major problem before, but I guess she does now. Some people only do the right thing when they’re forced to. > [@](#): > > Their lawsuit is not based on it being the wrong sperm but rather sperm of a Black guy. That is the part I take issue with. And if she discovered that she’d received sperm from the wrong white guy, she might’ve sued anyway. But that would have been harder to detect. Her request for damages would probably look very different, though. ---
**Author:** ![brickbacon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@brickbacon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brickbacon)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2014, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120/180 "2014-10-03T22:50:22Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > I agree, and for that matter you could say the same thing about a ton of places. You could say it about America in general or many other countries with significant problems related to race. It’s fair to say she must not have realized this was a major problem before, but I guess she does now. Some people only do the right thing when they’re forced to. I suppose you can say that about a number of places in the US, but I am not sure I would say she went in blind. > [@Marley23](#): > > And if she discovered that she’d received sperm from the wrong white guy, she might’ve sued anyway. But that would have been harder to detect. Her request for damages would probably look very different, though. Perhaps. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/she-wanted-a-white-child-from-a-sperm-bank/700120.md?page=10)