# she's fifteen; he's twenty **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 6, 2001, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181 "2001-08-06T21:29:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Cessandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cessandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cessandra)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/1 "2001-08-06T21:29:18Z")
i’ve been asking opinions on this all over the 'net. a girl on a message board i post to wrote to say that she’d met a man at the beach while on vacation with her family in florida. later he called her and told her he’d give anything to spend another night with her. she wants to know if she should pursue a relationship with him. the catch? she’s fifteen, and he’s twenty. everyone on the board pretty much told her to go for it. i think this is very wrong. but all over the 'net i’m being told that i’m being judgemental and that it’s not my place to call him sick. well, i think he is. he’s a grown man, and she’s a child. i’m posting this in imho because i want opinions. i’m tired of arguing it. i just want to know what you think. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/2 "2001-08-06T21:31:11Z")
Not only is it sick – its stautory rape should anything “occur.” Stupid for her, revolting for him, and illegal either way. Ew. ---
**Author:** ![Cessandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cessandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cessandra)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/3 "2001-08-06T21:31:28Z")
ignore this post… i just forgot to select email notification so i know when this is replied to. ---
**Author:** ![ruadh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d2c977/32.png) [@ruadh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ruadh)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/4 "2001-08-06T21:36:53Z")
It’s probably illegal and therefore inherently a bad idea, but I wouldn’t necessarily call it sick. When I was 16 I had a relationship with a 24-year-old and I still honestly think it was a very good, healthy relationship. It depends on the people involved, really. I wouldn’t offer an opinion without knowing either of them. ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/5 "2001-08-06T21:43:49Z")
Age difference doesn’t really matter. But the ages they’re at **DO**. Give it three years. When she’s 18, and he’s 23, no one’ll give a damn. Now it’s illegal. And it should be. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/6 "2001-08-06T22:03:49Z")
There’s no question that a physical relationship between the two of them is illegal as they are at present, and depending on where they live, he might have broken a couple of laws already. Some states are nastier than other about even making “lewd suggestions” to a minor. Hey Cess, good to see ya again. Where ya been? ---
**Author:** ![Odesio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/odesio/32/20003_2.png) [@Odesio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odesio)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/7 "2001-08-06T22:06:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Cessandra \* > \*\* > > i think this is very wrong. but all over the 'net i’m being told that i’m being judgemental and that it’s not my place to call him sick. well, i think he is. he’s a grown man, and she’s a child. > > i’m posting this in imho because i want opinions. i’m tired of arguing it. i just want to know what you think. \*\* I think it is wrong for a 20 year old to be chasing a 15 year old. If I were her father, or his for that matter, and I found out I’d probably go ballistic. Marc ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/8 "2001-08-06T22:18:34Z")
If it were my daughter, and it may be in about 10 years, then I would have serious misgivings about any kind of relationship, and particularly if there were a physical relationship. But I don’t really know what my daughter is going to be like in 10 years or who the 20 year old man would be. Given some of the (approximately) 15 - 20 year old people who have shown themselves to have a fair amount of maturity and wisdom, I may change my mind at that point. But while my daughter is still a minor and living in my household I would fully expect that I be apprised of the situation and be very clear up front with both of them what the expectations of the relationship should be, eg, while he is an adult and she is a minor then the relationship should remainly reasonably platonic. If this is not possible, then they obviously wouldn’t have the emotional maturity to have a relationship that I would expect, so then no, it wouldn’t be okay. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/9 "2001-08-06T22:21:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ShibbOleth \* > Given some of the (approximately) 15 - 20 year old people who have shown themselves to have a fair amount of maturity and wisdom _ **in the SDMB** _, I may change my mind at that point. Note ommision in the original. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/10 "2001-08-06T22:25:53Z")
It is one of those cost-benefit things, I’m afraid. The bad stuff that could happen so outweighs the good stuff that the risk just dosen’t seem worth it. Especially since he was a stranger–the only way I could even begin to condone such n age difference would be if they were both memebers of the same small community and had the fear of that small community’s social censure to keep them in line. In the same way, had they known each other for years, I could believe that the emotional investment was so strong that they couldn’t stand to wait. But they met in Flordia and spent a couple days together? Any man worth dating wouldn’t date a 15 year old, for her own good. ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/11 "2001-08-06T22:27:17Z")
Well, back in the 70’s an actor named Don Johnson(about age 23(?) met an actresses daughter named Melanie Griffith (age 14) and they had sex. They married when she was 18. Wasn’t that statutory rape? So how come He got away with it? ---
**Author:** ![Arden\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b487fb/32.png) [@Arden\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arden_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/12 "2001-08-06T22:34:24Z")
If it were my daughter, who will be 15 in 4 months, I would pack her up and ship her off to Grandma’s, post haste. I’m skittish anough when she introduces one of her 16-18 year old male friends to us. When she brings up the idea of dating one of them, I tell her to call Grandpa and see what he says. She gets the point after that. ---
**Author:** ![imthjckaz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/imthjckaz/32/3223_2.png) [@imthjckaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/imthjckaz)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/13 "2001-08-06T22:50:41Z")
One word: **Jailbait** , has this guy ever heard of this, or is he letting his crotch do the thinking for him. She should not pursue this, more harm than good will come from it. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Miskatonic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr.miskatonic/32/310_2.png) [@Mr.Miskatonic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Miskatonic)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/14 "2001-08-06T23:03:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by vanilla \* > \*\*Well, back in the 70’s an actor named Don Johnson(about age 23(?) met an actresses daughter named Melanie Griffith (age 14) and they had sex. > They married when she was 18. > Wasn’t that statutory rape? > So how come He got away with it? \*\* As I understand it(and Iamnotalawyer), the parents must ask for arrest and conviction. If they don’t then the police and DA won’t bother. The girl won’t help them, and that leaves them with no case unless they catch them _in delecto_ or with a confession, even then they may not bother. Its a very grey area of the law. Grey with black stripes most of the time, but definately grey. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/15 "2001-08-06T23:15:21Z")
Aside from the statutory thing, I would advise anyone who meets someone on the internet to proceed with great caution. He may claim to be 20 but really be some 50 year old slime ball. Were she my daughter, I’d want to meet any guy she dates. Were he someone I could meet and assess his character, I might allow them to date. However without some compelling information that would make me change my mind the answer would be an unequivocable “no.” ---
**Author:** ![orr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e47c2d/32.png) [@orr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/orr)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/16 "2001-08-06T23:21:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Superdude \* > \*\*Age difference doesn’t really matter. But the ages they’re at **DO**. Give it three years. When she’s 18, and he’s 23, no one’ll give a damn. Now it’s illegal. And it should be. \*\* I think Superdude summed it up perfectly. There’s something fishy about a someone who should be in his third year in college going after a girl who could be a freshman in highschool. That doesn’t mean that it’s _always_ wrong. Just fishy. ---
**Author:** ![Bill\_H](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a5b964/32.png) [@Bill\_H](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bill_H)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2001, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/17 "2001-08-06T23:44:37Z")
**Cessandra** , you’re right of course. These don’t sound like healthy friends: > [@](#): > > Everyone on the board pretty much told her to go for it. […] All over the 'net i’m being told that i’m being judgemental and that it’s not my place to call him sick. ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2001, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/18 "2001-08-07T00:10:54Z")
“Well, back in the 70’s an actor named Don Johnson(about age 23(?) met an actresses daughter named Melanie Griffith (age 14) and they had sex. They married when she was 18.” It’s okay if the folks give permission. What do you mean by ‘spend another night with her?’ Are you sure this guy is 20? Maybe he is older. Well, find out & in the meantime you can always say no. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2001, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/19 "2001-08-07T01:01:51Z")
It’s not necessarily statutory rape. Legal age in Canada, for example, is age 14, with certain caveats. . . . . . . . . TMI spoiler space . . . . . . . . . As for me, I lost my virginity at age 16 with a 22-year-old. Not sick - wonderful and world-expanding. Never regretted it. ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2001, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181/20 "2001-08-07T01:11:08Z")
I agree that this is probably not a good idea. That said, 15 and 20 were the ages of my parents when they started dating. They got married at 18 and 23, had me at 21 and 26, and are still going strong at 47 and 52. Still, I think they were the exception rather than the rule. Dr. J [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shes-fifteen-hes-twenty/75181.md?page=2)