# Shoud I contribute a nice anecdote to my mean dad's memorial service. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 22, 2011, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133 "2011-09-22T01:48:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Palo\_Verde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/65b543/32.png) [@Palo\_Verde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palo_Verde)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/1 "2011-09-22T01:48:14Z")
I’ve posted about a few other issues pertaining to this, and hopefully this will be the last one. My dad died recently. He was not a nice man. Not abusive, but mean. He never made any attempt to meet any one of my 4 children, and almost all of my experiences with him were negative. But not ALL of the experiences were negative. If I dredge my memories, I can come up with a few nice things. Like how he always pretended to be far too sophisticated to like The Muppet Show, but then peeked while we were watching it and laughed himself sick. So his memorial service is coming up and I’ve been asked to write up something about him. I have 3 choices: 1. Write that his was one bad SOB and managed to alienate all his siblings, children, and co-workers. 2. Come up with a cute anecdote or two 3. Write nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/2 "2011-09-22T01:57:53Z")
I’d suggest a cute anecdote. It’s not mean, and lack of anything more substantial or recent will say everything you need to without explicitly spelling it out. ---
**Author:** ![Implicit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Implicit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Implicit)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/3 "2011-09-22T02:07:17Z")
You lived the bad, remember the good. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/4 "2011-09-22T02:18:37Z")
On the off-chance that someone loved him, you’ll make them feel better, and it won’t reward him in any way - he’ll be too dead to pat himself on the back for the nice things you say. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/5 "2011-09-22T02:35:24Z")
You can perhaps make a nod at his full personality with something like, “Although Dad could be cantankerous, I remember when . . .” If it would let you speak of nice memories without feeling like you were trying to decieve anyone. ---
**Author:** ![Palo\_Verde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/65b543/32.png) [@Palo\_Verde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palo_Verde)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/6 "2011-09-22T02:55:22Z")
> [@Yllaria](#): > > You can perhaps make a nod at his full personality with something like, “Although Dad could be cantankerous, I remember when . . .” If it would let you speak of nice memories without feeling like you were trying to decieve anyone. I like this. I hate the thought of everyone talking about him as if he were a saint. ‘Cantankerous’ is good, because it’s a polite way of saying ‘asshole’. So I should trot out the Muppets anecdote? ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/7 "2011-09-22T03:03:32Z")
Do you really think anyone there is not going to be familiar with what kind of a person he was and need you to remind them? Focus on good memories, and keep it positive. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/8 "2011-09-22T03:05:43Z")
> [@Cazzle](#): > > On the off-chance that someone loved him, you’ll make them feel better, and it won’t reward him in any way - he’ll be too dead to pat himself on the back for the nice things you say. This. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Gadai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@An\_Gadai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Gadai)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/9 "2011-09-22T03:13:06Z")
Did he feed you and clothe you? Was he neglectful? ---
**Author:** ![Roderick\_Femm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/roderick_femm/32/14875_2.png) [@Roderick\_Femm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roderick_Femm)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/10 "2011-09-22T04:26:41Z")
Another thing to remember, that I learned by observing my father in his later years (when I was able to be more objective) - his faults were driven from within, and he was pretty much unable to change. He wasn’t very happy (my father, I mean). If your father was like mine, you have the opportunity to be a better person and to show some compassion to his memory. Or maybe he was just a jerk because he liked it. You knew him, I didn’t. Your call. Roddy ---
**Author:** ![Palo\_Verde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/65b543/32.png) [@Palo\_Verde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palo_Verde)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/11 "2011-09-22T04:40:45Z")
> [@An\_Gadai](#): > > Did he feed you and clothe you? Was he neglectful? My parents divorced when I was about 3 and he never paid a dime of child support. So I guess you could call that neglectful. ---
**Author:** ![Palo\_Verde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/65b543/32.png) [@Palo\_Verde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palo_Verde)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/12 "2011-09-22T04:44:12Z")
> [@Roderick\_Femm](#): > > Another thing to remember, that I learned by observing my father in his later years (when I was able to be more objective) - his faults were driven from within, and he was pretty much unable to change. He wasn’t very happy (my father, I mean). If your father was like mine, you have the opportunity to be a better person and to show some compassion to his memory. > > Or maybe he was just a jerk because he liked it. You knew him, I didn’t. Your call. > Roddy I think that’s pretty accurate. I think he was unhappy and unable to change. He was an alcoholic, addicted to prescription drugs, agoraphobic, and suffered from depression. I don’t think he could help being a jerk, but that didn’t make him any easier to deal with. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Gadai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@An\_Gadai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Gadai)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/13 "2011-09-22T05:28:06Z")
> [@Palo\_Verde](#): > > My parents divorced when I was about 3 and he never paid a dime of child support. So I guess you could call that neglectful. Ah ok, then my recommendation is “May he rot” as a eulogy. ---
**Author:** ![Triskadecamus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b19c9b/32.png) [@Triskadecamus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triskadecamus)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/14 "2011-09-22T05:43:39Z")
Funerals are not for the dead. Speak, or do not speak to the survivors, including yourself. If your dad was a mean son of a bitch, becoming one yourself won’t pay him back at all. If nothing is the best you got, say nothing. If the tiny spark of good he couldn’t even see in himself had some importance to you, by all means, speak of it. Speak of the memory, not the man. The evil that men do can be enterred with their bones, so let it be with daddy dearest. Tris ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/15 "2011-09-22T05:57:44Z")
After they bury him, dance on his grave to the Muppet Show theme song. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/16 "2011-09-22T06:36:05Z")
> [@Yllaria](#): > > You can perhaps make a nod at his full personality with something like, “Although Dad could be cantankerous, I remember when . . .” If it would let you speak of nice memories without feeling like you were trying to decieve anyone. This. If you have a way with words, or ask help from someone who does, it is perfectly possible to come up with something that is both truthful and kind. Another way is to contrast his _intentions_ with his _problems_ and the \*outcome as felt by you. \* You are doing some of that here in this thread. " Dad suffered from depression all his life, and it made it difficult for him to show kindness and love. It may have been the reason he sought such limited contact with those he loved. In a way, we understood, and in another way, we resented it because we missed him, missed a dad. As I stand here before you to speak about my dad, I want to talk about the good stuff. I remember how he secretly loved the muppet show…" ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/17 "2011-09-22T12:59:42Z")
I remember at my horrible grandfather’s funeral, everyone was silent. With thin smiles on their faces. I finally said, “Gee, \*someone \*should say \*something \*nice about him.” After a pause, cousin Lauren said, “It’s a \*shame \*he was such a bastard.” ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/18 "2011-09-22T13:50:08Z")
There’s enough unforgiveness, meanness, vindictiveness and self-centeredness in the world already. If he was as sick as you say he was (post #12) then it’s not a huge leap to believe he couldn’t help himself. And it doesn’t sound like those around him made any attempt to wring him out and get him to rehab either–to help him. You can’t make a nod to him being a dick without offering to shoulder the blame for allowing him to remain the thing he was. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/19 "2011-09-22T14:15:59Z")
It isn’t for him, it’s for you. Forget about him and what a horrible guy he was - remember that you have to live with both the memories of him and the memories of the service. Try to remember the good parts because you’ll have plenty of time to remember the bad parts. Rise above; it will only make you look and feel better. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2011, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133/20 "2011-09-22T14:27:14Z")
> [@Palo\_Verde](#): > > . . . So I should trot out the Muppets anecdote? Life is too short to forgo a chance to talk about the Muppets. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/shoud-i-contribute-a-nice-anecdote-to-my-mean-dads-memorial-service/597133.md?page=2)