# Should I accept this money? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 18, 2010, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167 "2010-09-18T04:01:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2010, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167/41 "2010-09-20T17:08:04Z")
If they had to pay for childcare, that would be a valid consideration. In this particular case, though, they don’t have to do any such thing. The brother is, after all, unemployed, thus their dependence on the generosity of others to keep a roof over this child’s head. There is no excuse for her not to be at least looking for work to tide them over till Brother finds something. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2010, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167/42 "2010-09-20T18:08:44Z")
> [@Dag\_Otto](#): > > So the brother gets all the benefits of gifts from the parents and the OP gets none? > > Not exactly ideal either. Eh, it looks like the other brother is going to get more than his fair of the parent’s family estate anyhow, either now or when it’s distributed, so worrying about it is probably a fruitless and potentially poisoning effort. So long as the parents are not using the inheritance as a bargaining chip (ie, bringing it up all the time, using it to pressure behavior) then MHO would be to let it go and to not set expectations about equal distributions. And perhaps not enter into any more long-term financial arrangements that involve this future inheritance. Not to say I’d erase current debts, I’d still worry about what my family is owed via current contracts (ie, the lease) And again, all JMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2010, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167/43 "2010-09-20T18:19:19Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > If they had to pay for childcare, that would be a valid consideration. In this particular case, though, they don’t have to do any such thing. The brother is, after all, unemployed, thus their dependence on the generosity of others to keep a roof over this child’s head. There is no excuse for her not to be at least looking for work to tide them over till Brother finds something. That’s the point I was fumbling all around. When someone else is paying your way, ONE of the couple needs to find work, especially when the other one can stay home with the child. In my opinion, they should both be looking, and first one to get a job goes to work, and other one provides childcare. Even if all she can find is a minimum wage fast food job, it would still bring money into the house. I get the impression she’d rather not work fast food, but your personal preference isn’t relevant when you’re adults and you have to pay the bills. Hands up, everyone here who sponged off their parents instead of working a job they hated. I should also say, I have sympathy if neither of them can get any work at all - there seem to be some insanely tough employment situations in the US. She doesn’t even seem to be looking, though, and that’s different. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2010, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167/44 "2010-09-20T19:08:22Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Well, if it was me, I’d get out and find him a cheap apartment to live in, downsizing as required. Then I’d move him and his family into it and rent out the other unit to non family members. Any profit realized would be applied to subsidize his rent on the new place. Parents could pay that rent, as they felt necessary. They should go and get public assistance, at that point, to help cover rent, utilities, health care, meds, food. You and your parents will then be in a better position to fill in, wherever they still need help. They will be more motivated to create change and they will not be as likely to feel enshrined, in a home they cannot afford. If they never move up, at least they are living in cheap enough digs that you and your parents can more easily carry them. **Weedy** , you’re definitely in a tough spot, but you have to admit that you helped put yourself there by renting your property to a family member. You are now being forced to make poor business decisions because of familial ties. Specifically, if you were renting to a non-relative who was having trouble paying the rent, and your tenant’s parents offered to pay on his behalf, you’d accept without hesitation, right? But I understand your reluctance since they’re _your_ parents too. That’s why I wanted to bump the above post, which I think is the best in the thread so far. This way, you and your parents can still help your brother through a rough patch as much as you are able and willing, but the situation will be separated from your investment property, which should by all rights be _making_ money for you, not costing it. Best of luck to you. I truly hope you and your family can work your way out of this mess. (P.S. I know you don’t want to discuss her, but the freeloading GF ought to be out looking for work too, and if it were me I’d tell her that to her face, “nasty temper” be damned.) ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2010, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167/45 "2010-09-20T22:47:03Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > > [@Broomstick](#): > > > > I don’t know what is going on with the girlfriend. Maybe her and brother’s child is young and GF feels very strongly she should stay home and take care of the child. I may not agree with that, but at least that would be an understandable viewpoint. > > It would be an understandable viewpoint if she and the brother could house their child without the charity of others. But when you can’t, it’s far less reasonable–idealism about how to raise your child is a good and laudable thing, but when you get right down where the rubber meets the road it’s far more important for a child to have food, clothes, and shelter than a stay at home parent. Didn’t say I agreed with it, just that it was an understandable viewpoint. Also, the point about most of McJob paycheck going to childcare also applies. Obviously, neither of us is fully informed of the situation, I’m just trying to keep an open mind about the possibilities. It is _very_ easy to get judgmental in these situations, which usually doesn’t help find solutions. ---
**Author:** ![Weedy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/weedy/32/301_2.png) [@Weedy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weedy)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2010, 11:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167/46 "2010-09-21T11:25:09Z")
This has been a very helpful thread, mostly because, I have been discussing all the ideas with my partner, and that has helped to clarify the source of his annoyance. It’s not the money (or not mostly the money), but when they ring us up for every little problem (e.g. blown light bulbs), it drives him nuts. > [@Wheelz](#): > > > [@elbows](#): > > > > Well, if it was me, I’d get out and find him a cheap apartment to live in, downsizing as required. Then I’d move him and his family into it and rent out the other unit to non family members. Any profit realized would be applied to subsidize his rent on the new place. Parents could pay that rent, as they felt necessary. They should go and get public assistance, at that point, to help cover rent, utilities, health care, meds, food. You and your parents will then be in a better position to fill in, wherever they still need help. They will be more motivated to create change and they will not be as likely to feel enshrined, in a home they cannot afford. If they never move up, at least they are living in cheap enough digs that you and your parents can more easily carry them. > > **Weedy** , you’re definitely in a tough spot, but you have to admit that you helped put yourself there by renting your property to a family member. You are now being forced to make poor business decisions because of familial ties. Specifically, if you were renting to a non-relative who was having trouble paying the rent, and your tenant’s parents offered to pay on his behalf, you’d accept without hesitation, right? But I understand your reluctance since they’re _your_ parents too. > > That’s why I wanted to bump the above post, which I think is the best in the thread so far. This way, you and your parents can still help your brother through a rough patch as much as you are able and willing, but the situation will be separated from your investment property, which should by all rights be _making_ money for you, not costing it. > > Best of luck to you. I truly hope you and your family can work your way out of this mess. I like this idea too. I’m trying to think if I can make it work. > [@](#): > > (P.S. I know you don’t want to discuss her, but the freeloading GF ought to be out looking for work too, and if it were me I’d tell her that to her face, “nasty temper” be damned.) Oh, she does look for work. But the hours have to be just right, and it can’t involve lots of standing because her knees are bad, and it’s out of the question for her to work in child care (a field where she has both talent and experience) for some reason I can’t remember now. Talk is cheap and there is no point having an argument with her, unless I am going to do something, which I’m not. And no, that’s not a good business decision. My brother will pay rent when he gets a job; fingers crossed that will happen soon. It’s my mother I’m having problems with, though I think I have shut her up for now. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2010, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167/47 "2010-09-21T12:04:04Z")
> [@Weedy](#): > > This has been a very helpful thread, mostly because, I have been discussing all the ideas with my partner, and that has helped to clarify the source of his annoyance. It’s not the money (or not mostly the money), but when they ring us up for every little problem (e.g. blown light bulbs), it drives him nuts. What? They can’t change their own light bulbs? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2010, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167/48 "2010-09-21T19:01:56Z")
They’re treating you like landlords, but not expecting you to treat them like renters (i.e. kicking them out when they don’t pay the rent). I can see why that’s pissing your partner off. This is one of the reasons you don’t do business with or loan money to family. Tell them to change their own damned bulbs. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2010, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167/49 "2010-09-21T22:03:34Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > The subtext I’m reading here, however, makes me think that this is an extended family that is addicted to drama and they’re not really looking for good, healthy solutions. Oh yeah. The other couple and the parents can’t live together without making each other unhappy; the GF has a nasty temper; the mother seems to be badgering the OP; the brother’s too shy to interview well but not too shy to ask the OP to change lightbulbs; and so forth. It sounds like **Weedy** ’s partner worries that **Weedy** gets taken advantage of. I echo **Broomstick** ’s call for a family conference, and I would recommend trying to raise some of these personal dynamics in addition to working out financial solutions. > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > there seem to be some insanely tough employment situations in the US. Nitpick: The OP’s profile says he’s in Oz. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2010, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167/50 "2010-09-21T22:09:42Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > > > The subtext I’m reading here, however, makes me think that this is an extended family that is addicted to drama and they’re not really looking for good, healthy solutions. > > Oh yeah. The other couple and the parents can’t live together without making each other unhappy; the GF has a nasty temper; the mother seems to be badgering the OP; the brother’s too shy to interview well but not too shy to ask the OP to change lightbulbs; and so forth. It sounds like **Weedy** ’s partner worries that **Weedy** gets taken advantage of. > > I echo **Broomstick** ’s call for a family conference, and I would recommend trying to raise some of these personal dynamics in addition to working out financial solutions. > > > [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > > > there seem to be some insanely tough employment situations in the US. > > Nitpick: The OP’s profile says he’s in Oz. Dude. Just ask the Wizard for help. Duh. ---
**Author:** ![EVERYNAMEISTAKEN](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac8455/32.png) [@EVERYNAMEISTAKEN](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EVERYNAMEISTAKEN)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2010, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167/51 "2010-09-21T22:14:24Z")
I would accept it, and make sure to thank your parents for their generosity. They’re just trying to help. This sounds like a difficult situation for everyone. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167/52 "2010-09-22T00:47:36Z")
He’s in Australia? Well, in that case, I change all my advice - tell your brother to piss off and quit being such a wanker. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167/53 "2010-09-22T03:47:13Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > He’s in Australia? Well, in that case, I change all my advice - tell your brother to piss off and quit being such a wanker. 😃 Maybe the brother should go on walkabout! It would suit his shy demeanor. (Who ever heard of a shy Australian, anyway?) ---
**Author:** ![Weedy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/weedy/32/301_2.png) [@Weedy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weedy)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2010, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167/54 "2010-09-22T04:14:29Z")
My brother is American, actually (born there). Though that is equally against type, I admit. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-accept-this-money/554167.md?page=2)