# Should I ask my friend about this very sensitive topic (see inside)? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 28, 2009, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382 "2009-01-28T14:40:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2009, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/1 "2009-01-28T14:40:58Z")
My friend has occasionally brought up to me a very sensitive thing going on in his life (think fertility issues - I won’t say anymore). When he does, I murmur what support I can. I mean, there’s not much I can do. I want to ask him now and then, not because I am all that _invested_ in the answer, but because I want him to know I care about him. But the way I see it it could go either way. 1. He could be thinking, “Man, she really doesn’t even care. She never asks about it. I just want to talk about it.” Or 1. “I can’t believe she’s bringing it up. I’ll talk about it when I’m good and ready and not before.” The thing is, the whole thing is so far off my radar I’m not really sure how to read him (or anybody with this issue, really). I want to proceed sensitively and help my friend. Plus he’s somewhat of a new friend (several months at this point) so we’re still learning about each other. If I bring it up, how should I bring it up? Should I ask how he’s doing? Or just say something like, “I’ve been thinking about \_\_\_\_ and you’re in my thoughts.” And what do I say in the blank? I know some people don’t like when you don’t mention it, like it’s a disease, and some people don’t like the clinical terms. Or should I just keep my mouth shut and wait for him to bring it up? Help? ---
**Author:** ![Tabby\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tabby\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tabby_Cat)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2009, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/2 "2009-01-28T14:48:16Z")
Hm. Speaking for myself, I would just casually bring it up in a quiet, private moment… “so, about [problem]… how’s everything going? Getting better?” Of course, this presumes that he’s seeing a doctor, and there actually is a chance he could get better. If this is a dead end thing, perhaps there really isn’t any good way to bring it up. Since he’s told you, he’s probably comfortable in confiding in you, and you’d probably be seen as showing your concern… then again, you never really know, so I guess you should be ready to drop it at the slightest hint of discomfort… ---
**Author:** ![Contrary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/db5fbb/32.png) [@Contrary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrary)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2009, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/3 "2009-01-28T15:09:18Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I want to ask him now and then, \ because I want him to know I care about him. Tell him this, and listen to his answer. Then you’ll know what to do. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2009, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/4 "2009-01-28T15:30:25Z")
When I don’t want people to think I’m prying I’ll phrase it like "I hope everything is going okay with \_\_\_. " or “I hope you’ve been feeling better about \_\_\_”. Something that doesn’t put them on the spot with a direct question, but lets them know that they can start talking if they want to. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2009, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/5 "2009-01-28T15:34:36Z")
Well, you don’t want to bellow across a crowded room, “Hey Bob, how’s that no-sperm-count thing working out for you?” But if he thought it was none of your business, he wouldn’t have told you about it. I’d ask him about it sometime, but I’d probably phrase in terms of wondering how he is, rather than wondering what’s going on. I think it expresses more clearly that you’re asking because you care about him, not because you’re nosy. Also, it gives him a clear path to either just say he’s okay if he doesn’t want to talk about it, or to give you all the gory details if he does. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2009, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/6 "2009-01-28T15:40:26Z")
Ask, but do not make a big deal out of it. “Hey Rick, how’s the dysfunctional penis thing working out for you?” is probably just right. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2009, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/7 "2009-01-28T16:08:09Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Well, you don’t want to bellow across a crowded room, “Hey Bob, how’s that no-sperm-count thing working out for you?” But if he thought it was none of your business, he wouldn’t have told you about it. > > I’d ask him about it sometime, but I’d probably phrase in terms of wondering how he is, rather than wondering what’s going on. I think it expresses more clearly that you’re asking because you care about him, not because you’re nosy. Also, it gives him a clear path to either just say he’s okay if he doesn’t want to talk about it, or to give you all the gory details if he does. I’d agree with this. I’d ask how he’s doing or just say something like, “Do you need to talk?” Leaving it open ended allows him an out while showing that you know what he’s going through and care enough to ask. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2009, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/8 "2009-01-28T16:12:52Z")
I like the suggestions. I’ll ask him the next time I see him, gently. I am always unsure and afraid I am going to come off as callous. A little more background: I don’t want to have kids at all, so I always fear some of that will come out in my comment without me meaning to. I want to be understanding. Thank you all. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2009, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/9 "2009-01-28T18:43:23Z")
“I don’t want to pry or make you talk about anything, but know I am here to listen anytime you feel like talking.” Also, your comments don’t have to be constructive, so you don’t have to worry about betraying how you feel about the issue. He would be talking to vent, not because you have to come up with a solution. “That must be really frustrating for you” leaving out the fact that you wouldn’t care. “I’m sorry you’re going through this” even if you can’t imagine what it would be like/won’t experience it yourself. ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2009, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/10 "2009-01-28T18:50:43Z")
If he didn’t want you to ask about it he would never have mentioned it to you in the first place. “So how are things going with the fertility issue you mentioned before? All’s well I hope,” should about cover it. If he wants to chat he will, if not he’ll brush it off and change the subject. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2009, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/11 "2009-01-28T19:21:32Z")
One suggestion, remove the phrase “What’s up?” from your list of greetings. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2009, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/12 "2009-01-28T19:29:39Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > One suggestion, remove the phrase “What’s up?” from your list of greetings. Same with “How’s it hangin’?” ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2009, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/13 "2009-01-28T19:57:18Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Same with “How’s it hangin’?” Or: “Nice shooting, Rex!” ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2009, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/14 "2009-01-28T23:00:07Z")
Not specific to this question, but more to applying to most relationships in general. They’ve brought the subject into conversation so it’s not verboten. So unless they have later expressed an unwillingness to discuss it it’s usually appreciated to bring it up again as a topic you’re sympathetic to and will be supportive of if they want to talk about it more. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/15 "2013-03-21T20:02:28Z")
I found this thread again and wanted to update that my friend had a child! A lovely little girl, who is now three years old. Thanks for all your help! ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2013, 10:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/16 "2013-03-23T10:45:07Z")
I so love happy endings! ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2013, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/17 "2013-03-23T11:12:19Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I found this thread again and wanted to update that my friend had a child! A lovely little girl, who is now three years old. Thanks for all your help! So, did you ever have the conversation? Does she bear a resemblance to him, or the poolboy? (Them that know calls me a wit.:D) ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/18 "2013-03-28T17:33:12Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > So, did you ever have the conversation? I did. I brought it up after this thread, and we talked about it off and on. He told me some of his issues. I listened. I was very happy when they did, eventually get pregnant, after a loooooooooooong time. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-friend-about-this-very-sensitive-topic-see-inside/483382/19 "2013-03-28T21:25:21Z")
That’s awesome!