# Should I ask my (pretty) obviously gay uncle if he is gay? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 26, 2012, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892 "2012-10-26T01:07:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![B.Serum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/b.serum/32/14266_2.png) [@B.Serum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Serum)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 8:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/21 "2012-10-26T08:37:07Z")
No. His sex life is none of your business. If he wants to come out to you, he’ll come out on his own terms. I do suggest that you aren’t shy about your support for homosexuals as fully equal members of society, however. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 9:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/22 "2012-10-26T09:42:10Z")
I asked a cousin that (to me) seemed really obviously gay. She talked about her roommate a lot, and so finally I said 'This family can be really crappy. Is “roommate” the right word?". She said that roommate was, and I really don’t care if she was telling the truth or just saying that she was content with the status quo (though I tend to take her at her word). She didn’t seem offended, but then she’s a very direct, straightforward person. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 9:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/23 "2012-10-26T09:56:14Z")
I am 67, and have been openly gay since I was 18. I am well aware of the world your uncle grew up in. My advice is: Don’t. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/24 "2012-10-26T11:37:05Z")
I had a male friend who I thought was gayer then gay. Single, gay mannerisms, no-coming-on-to-me-as-a girl-vibe; most mutual friends assumed he was gay… In fact that is why I wanted to be friends with him: I thought he could be my gay male friend. Turns out he was straight, just terrible at dating. :o ---
**Author:** ![Vita\_Beata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@Vita\_Beata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vita_Beata)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/25 "2012-10-26T11:44:48Z")
> [@nikonikosuru](#): > > No. You’ll still love him regardless, right? What would you or he have to gain by this discussion? This, exactly. What difference does it make and is it any of your business? ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/26 "2012-10-26T13:17:52Z")
Just for those who are saying “sex life”: he’s not contemplating asking about his sex life. That’s nobody’s business. He’s asking about an identity. If the man is older, he might not acknowledge any gay identity, only a very compartmentalized sex life or even just thoughts and feelings. Or the OP could be totally wrong and it would be a rather grave insult. I’m projecting a little bit—I remember when I came out, I felt really guilty about having “misled” people, and that was one factor that made it really hard to talk about it. I was in my 20s and hadn’t deliberately misled anyone, but that was part of the guilt I felt for not being straight, I guess. This man may have really been leading a double life, since in most times and places you had to. That’s why I say bring it up. It doesn’t sound like the OP is planning to trap or corner the man or push the issue. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/27 "2012-10-26T13:53:03Z")
> [@levdrakon](#): > > What do you mean by “obviously gay?” Everytime he visits the uncle is listening to Liza. And blowing some guy. No there is no reason to bring it up. Its his life. You are not his therapist. ---
**Author:** ![Vita\_Beata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@Vita\_Beata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vita_Beata)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/28 "2012-10-26T14:04:46Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > Just for those who are saying “sex life”: he’s not contemplating asking about his sex life. That’s nobody’s business. He’s asking about an identity. If the man is older, he might not acknowledge any gay identity, only a very compartmentalized sex life or even just thoughts and feelings. Or the OP could be totally wrong and it would be a rather grave insult. > > I’m projecting a little bit—I remember when I came out, I felt really guilty about having “misled” people, and that was one factor that made it really hard to talk about it. I was in my 20s and hadn’t deliberately misled anyone, but that was part of the guilt I felt for not being straight, I guess. This man may have really been leading a double life, since in most times and places you had to. That’s why I say bring it up. It doesn’t sound like the OP is planning to trap or corner the man or push the issue. I appreciate your perspective and advice here. I am wondering how would the question be phrased? ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/29 "2012-10-26T14:13:43Z")
If this man is “over eighty” and “coming down with a degenerative disease,” he may be comforted to know that the OP will stand by him regarding any wishes he has regarding his will, power of attorney, hospital visitation, etc. So if there should happen to be a partner/former partner he hasn’t been telling the family about, the OP might find a way to make it clear he/she would do whatever possible. Without being inquisitive. ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2012, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/30 "2012-10-26T14:57:17Z")
Gay here - and someone who is 81 pretty much missed out of Stonewall and Gay Liberation during their youth and, assuming they were indeed Gay, probably spent most of their younger days in fear/hiding. In Germany they killed Gay people in Concentration Camps and here in the USA, they arrested them and sent them to prison or a psych ward. Not a good time. Not full of good memories. I remember talking with an old man in Berlin in the 1980’s, and he told me of his young love of another young man back in the 1930’s - they were supposed to meet in a local park one night, but the man I was speaking to was late getting there. By the time he arrived at the park, he found out his lover had been arrested by the SS - sent off to a Concentration Camp and was never seen or heard from again. This older man still got tears in his eyes talking about it decades later. Lots and lots of “what ifs…”. You have no idea what memories your uncle might have - and perhaps not something he wants to remember again. Still, if you absolutely feel the need, you might possibly bring up the current election and mention you are wondering about Obama’s support of Gays and Lesbians and the whole Gay Marriage thing, and what does he think of that policy. That is somewhat neutral and would at least make the statement one of policy, not so much personal life. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/31 "2012-10-27T13:17:32Z")
I say stay out of it. He’s lived his life, and has either come to terms with any prevailing attitudes, either for the past or present. If he hasn’t adjusted, I don’t think you would be of any use, therapy-wise. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/32 "2012-10-27T13:34:33Z")
> [@Sigmagirl](#): > > If this man is “over eighty” and “coming down with a degenerative disease,” he may be comforted to know that the OP will stand by him regarding any wishes he has regarding his will, power of attorney, hospital visitation, etc. **So if there should happen to be a partner/former partner he hasn’t been telling the family about** , the OP might find a way to make it clear he/she would do whatever possible. Without being inquisitive. My bold: This seems to be the only possible reason for opening the subject at all. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/33 "2012-10-27T14:26:54Z")
> [@Sigmagirl](#): > > If this man is “over eighty” and “coming down with a degenerative disease,” he may be comforted to know that the OP will stand by him regarding any wishes he has regarding his will, power of attorney, hospital visitation, etc. So if there should happen to be a partner/former partner he hasn’t been telling the family about, the OP might find a way to make it clear he/she would do whatever possible. Without being inquisitive. I had a friend once. He got cancer and died younger than most . He was kinda like me in that he obviously wasn’t a woman chaser. The difference was he was gay and I just had better things to do than chase women (of course that made many people think I was gay:rolleyes:). I didn’t know if he was gay or not. To be honest I never really thought about it one way or another. While he was a good friend that was good to me and most other folks in general as far as I could tell, I wasn’t involved in his life enough to wonder or get random bits of information about his sex life. And he was from the era of if you were gay you at the very least kept a bit low profile about it. Finally he got sick enough he was bedridden and out of it most of the time. At that point I generally gave him a call from work in the late afternoon for a quick chat because that was the best time of day for him. One day I called and he told me he had to say something very important to me. He was gay. And I think he was still afraid even at that point in time it would be a problem for me. Of course I told him it did not matter one bit. He passed a few weeks later. I don’t know if the OP should actually ASK said uncle. But I do think at the least the OP should make it pretty clear that being gay is no big deal to him and give the uncle plenty of chances to “come clean”. To me the risks seem to be along these lines: Its none of you damn business either way. Hey, I’m NOT gay and rather offended you think I am. Yes I am, and I’m so glad to hear you don’t care. While all three (and variations of them) are reasonably possible, IMO three seems to be the one most likely to provide great benifit to the uncle. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim_r.mortiss/32/142_2.png) [@Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_R.Mortiss)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/34 "2012-10-27T14:50:47Z")
While YOU might think he’s gay, and he might even really BE gay, it’s possible that HE doesn’t like to think about himself being gay. Ergo: butt out. Furthermore, he’s an octogenarian. Not people known for liking to make huge changes in their lives. He’s built himself a nice comfortable niche. Don’t try to kick him out of it. Ergo: butt out, with both cheeks. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/35 "2012-10-27T16:00:37Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > If he was comfortable talking about his sexual orientation he’d already be doing it. If you force the issue, you’re doing it for your sake not his. Yes. 100% correct, especially the last part. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/36 "2012-10-27T16:09:19Z")
I’d say no. If he wanted to come out, assuming he actually is gay, then he would. It’s nobody’s business but his own what the man’s sexual orientation is. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/37 "2012-10-27T16:20:50Z")
Go for it, I’m sure gay people loved being pushed out of the closet. /sarcasm ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/38 "2012-10-27T19:40:13Z")
Everyone here is assuming he has made a conscious decision to remain in the closet for positive reasons of his own. It’s possible that he’s closeted because he’s not sure he has a safe space to come out. I don’t think it’s patronizing to hold that out as a possibility. I think the suggestions of opening the topic on very general terms to create that safe space are good. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/39 "2012-10-27T20:02:39Z")
If he wanted you to know, you’d know. ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2012, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892/40 "2012-10-27T20:31:12Z")
> [@Simple\_Linctus](#): > > … > > I should be clear - when I say uncle in this thread, I do not talk about someone literally the sibling of my mother or father. In my family uncle is used rather loosely, and while this man will always be “Uncle X” to me, he is more of a great uncle. > > Nevertheless the words have meaning. I don’t know about how close a normal doper family is but this man and I are very close indeed. He can be regarded as basically a grandfather in terms of a “normal” family when it comes to closeness. No problem. I have referred to someone close to me as “my sister” without mentioning that she is not literally the daughter of my parents. In the end whether it matters is contextual. Chatting with strangers in a bar and mentioning your “sister” - ok. Testifying in Probate Court regarding your father’s will and mentioning your “sister” - not ok. > [@Simple\_Linctus](#): > > Anyway, he’s obviously gay… What is it, specifically, that makes you feel that he’s obviously gay? Remember that acting “girly” or having feminine interests does not always imply an interest in butt piracy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-my-pretty-obviously-gay-uncle-if-he-is-gay/638892.md?page=3)