# Should I ask out my coworker? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 14, 2011, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384 "2011-06-14T01:46:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/41 "2011-06-14T15:35:06Z")
> [@SecondJudith](#): > > Yes, this. Drop by her office at 4:55pm and say “Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to go for a drink”. I agree that face-to-face is much better than email or phone, both of which are a bit too formal IMO. Too wordy. Swing by her desk and say “you, me, humpy-humpy?” ---
**Author:** ![jonesj2205](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecc23a/32.png) [@jonesj2205](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jonesj2205)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/42 "2011-06-14T16:00:21Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > Catalog party What kind of catalog was this (couldn’t resist)? ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/43 "2011-06-14T16:20:09Z")
> [@jonesj2205](#): > > What kind of catalog was this (couldn’t resist)? Well, here’s the story: I worked in an engineering division of like 50-60 guys and only like 10 women. We’d all been doing the rounds of catalog parties: party-lite candles, pampered chef, southern living, cooking america, blah, blah, blah. Someone suggested we have something different - and elected that I host it (since everyone else had). The group decided on a “romance” party. The emails inviting people to it were very banal - I even invited my boss to it. Nothing offensive, nothing crude. Just a “this time we are doing something different - i understand if you don’t want to go - here’s a link to the site if you want to check it out first.” Even the link was to a very G version of the site - displaying the bath products and only hinting at everything else. 8 of the 10 girls were all excited about the party. 1 of the other 2 found it offensive and forwarded it to corporate. I was let go for “improper use of email.” My boss (I was a contractor) thought it was insane and immediately placed me at another client. But I learned my lesson: if someone at work would find a personal invitation uncomfortable or awkward, I don’t email it - I ask in person or by phone or I just don’t ask. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/44 "2011-06-14T16:28:12Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > So, you’re saying that the unsaid second part of that sentence is “but if you had asked me earlier I would have thought about you differently”? Yup. If you hadn’t become friends, and she cried on your shoulder about all the jerks she was dating, she might have been attracted to you. Now, you’re like a brother to her. Being a woman, I’m not familiar with it from the guy’s side, but this sounds accurate from what my husband has told me (he was a frequent victim of the “friend zone”). ETA: All work emails are discoverable - I only email my husband at his personal email, never at his company email. His company doesn’t need to keep copies of, “Heh heh - yeah, your boss IS a real idiot!” ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/45 "2011-06-14T17:03:57Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Yup. If you hadn’t become friends, and she cried on your shoulder about all the jerks she was dating, she might have been attracted to you. Now, you’re like a brother to her. Being a woman, I’m not familiar with it from the guy’s side, but this sounds accurate from what my husband has told me (he was a frequent victim of the “friend zone”). If I understand correctly, you’re basing the friendzone theory on what you’ve heard from men. Have _you_ felt that way though? Have any women you’ve talked to felt like that? I get the impression that the friendzone theory is something some men use to save their ego; “See, it’s not that she was never interested in being more than friends, it’s that I waited too long.” Do not taunt: The phone is your friend. Easier than in person, does not leave traces like email. Accepted by most people. Just make sure you get to know her a bit before so that she doesn’t wonder “Who is this asking me out?” when you call her. A near-perfect stranger asking me out by phone would be a little strange to me. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/46 "2011-06-14T17:15:36Z")
I say, “No.” I’ve seen so many of these, “But we work in different departments and never see each other.” But in reality, you still will have to run across each other and deal with each other. If you didn’t you wouldn’t have seen her to begin with. You are seeing each other much more than you realize. ---
**Author:** ![Erdosain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/erdosain/32/7284_2.png) [@Erdosain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Erdosain)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/47 "2011-06-14T17:19:29Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > Well, here’s the story: I worked in an engineering division of like 50-60 guys and only like 10 women. > > We’d all been doing the rounds of catalog parties: party-lite candles, pampered chef, southern living, cooking america, blah, blah, blah. > > Someone suggested we have something different - and elected that I host it (since everyone else had). The group decided on a “romance” party. > > The emails inviting people to it were very banal - I even invited my boss to it. Nothing offensive, nothing crude. Just a “this time we are doing something different - i understand if you don’t want to go - here’s a link to the site if you want to check it out first.” > > Even the link was to a very G version of the site - displaying the bath products and only hinting at everything else. 8 of the 10 girls were all excited about the party. 1 of the other 2 found it offensive and forwarded it to corporate. I was let go for “improper use of email.” > > My boss (I was a contractor) thought it was insane and immediately placed me at another client. > > But I learned my lesson: if someone at work would find a personal invitation uncomfortable or awkward, I don’t email it - I ask in person or by phone or I just don’t ask. So…it was a Pampered Chef sex toy party? Calling it a “catalog” party is kind of understating the case. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/48 "2011-06-14T17:24:44Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Do this, but without the contrived excuse. Just go ask her out. She’ll likely be flattered by the directness. You don’t want it to seem like you’re only asking her out because you happened to run into her at that moment, do you? Make the effort and it will be appreciated, even if her answer is no. This. And hurry! I’ve been checking back here all day to see what she said. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/49 "2011-06-14T17:29:46Z")
> [@Do\_Not\_Taunt](#): > > Really? 😕 I’m amazed by this. I’m not opposed in principle to, say, wait for a chance encounter and ask her out, but I just can’t wrap my head around replying to an email she’s sent in the last week, provide some relevant content, and finishing it with an oh-by-the-way as being creepy. Can you elaborate? If you barely know her, then it’s also true that she barely knows _you_. Getting an email from a guy you barely know asking you out for a drink is just creepy. It’s impersonal and IMHO comes across as kind of sad and desperate. If you are truly interested, you’d ask her out in person. As others have said, it’s inappropriate to use company email in this manner. This is her workplace, not an online dating site; she doesn’t \*expect \*to receive these types of emails, nor should she. The workplace email directory isn’t a dating menu. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/50 "2011-06-14T17:43:51Z")
> [@mnemosyne](#): > > If you are truly interested, you’d ask her out in person. Of the people you have asked out on a first date, were you on average more interested in the ones you asked out in person vs the phone? ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/51 "2011-06-14T18:20:19Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Of the people you have asked out on a first date, were you on average more interested in the ones you asked out in person vs the phone? I have never asked someone out on a first date over the phone, by email, text or means other than in person. Second dates, yes, but not first. Then again, I haven’t straight up asked many people out, and I’ve been with my husband since college…though I asked \*him \*out in person. The idiot said no. He changed his mind not much later 🙂 I think, in a workplace situation as described by the OP, even calling her and asking her out would be inappropriate. Again, because I get the feeling the OP doesn’t really know her, so she doesn’t really know him either. Just as the email list isn’t a dating directory, neither is the phone list. She didn’t give him his number. This would be like knowing someone’s name, looking them up in the phone book and calling out of the blue…it is, IMHO, unlikely to succeed in getting a date! ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/52 "2011-06-14T18:52:22Z")
> [@Erdosain](#): > > So…it was a Pampered Chef sex toy party? Calling it a “catalog” party is kind of understating the case. Let’s not sidetrack the discussion at hand - but it was more than just sex toys. The primary part was more about bath & bodywork type products. There was also clothing and “marital aids” included. That being said, this invitation was no different from the others, other than alerting people that the theme was different. If anything, I was more careful than others who had used the corporate email in a similar fashion. [/hijack] ---
**Author:** ![MysteryFellow63427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/53 "2011-06-14T19:27:15Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Of the people you have asked out on a first date, were you on average more interested in the ones you asked out in person vs the phone? Wrong question, grasshopper. Correct question is, of the people you have asked out on a first date over the phone vs. in person, what got you a better response? Ok, today is Tuesday. OP, go by her desk **in person** about 430pm, briefly chat her up, and ask her out. Are you worried that this will be transparently obvious? Don’t be–it is flattering for her! (Think about how tickled you’d be if a reasonably attractive woman from another floor who you kinda new came over to your desk and asked you out.) If you can’t muster up the balls to ask in person, it’s _almost_ not worth doing. There are just so many ways that asking someone out in email can go wrong. The biggest reason of all is you’ll sit there in agony until you get a reply. If you ask her out in person, you’ll find out right then and there if she’s interested! ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/54 "2011-06-14T19:40:53Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > I get the impression that the friendzone theory is something some men use to save their ego; “See, it’s not that she was never interested in being more than friends, it’s that I waited too long.” Not exactly. I mean that can happen too. But really what happens is if you keep acting like you like a girl but never ask her out, she will think you just aren’t that interested (or gay). She will get comfortible with you being around to the point where there just isn’t that “spark” girls look for when they meet that guy they think is “the one”. Anyhow, if you like someone, there isn’t any point in waiting to ask them out. > [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Do not taunt: The phone is your friend. Easier than in person, does not leave traces like email. Accepted by most people. Agreed. Really asking a girl out isn’t like applying for a job. You don’t submit an application for a first date. You start a conversation with a girl and if it goes well, you say “I’m having dinner at that new place, [someplace awesome] wednesday night. You should you join me.” ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/55 "2011-06-14T19:45:52Z")
> [@neuroman](#): > > Wrong question, grasshopper. Correct question is, of the people you have asked out on a first date over the phone vs. in person, what got you a better response? > > If you can’t muster up the balls to ask in person, it’s _almost_ not worth doing. There are just so many ways that asking someone out in email can go wrong. The biggest reason of all is you’ll sit there in agony until you get a reply. If you ask her out in person, you’ll find out right then and there if she’s interested! Take more care in reading her comment and mine before being condescending. Her statement was that not asking in person means you’re not truly interested, which is false. To a fair number of people, more interest results in more anxiety and less willingness to do it in person. Your statement that if you can’t ask in person, it’s not worth doing (you do add “almost”) is also false. I’ve asked people out by phone and it was worth it. Asking for each other’s phone numbers and then later asking for a date by phone is also standard operating procedure and it’s worth doing to many people. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/56 "2011-06-14T20:13:26Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > If I understand correctly, you’re basing the friendzone theory on what you’ve heard from men. Have _you_ felt that way though? Have any women you’ve talked to felt like that? > > I get the impression that the friendzone theory is something some men use to save their ego; “See, it’s not that she was never interested in being more than friends, it’s that I waited too long.”\ > [@msmith537](#): > > Not exactly. I mean that can happen too. But really what happens is if you keep acting like you like a girl but never ask her out, she will think you just aren’t that interested (or gay). She will get comfortible with you being around to the point where there just isn’t that “spark” girls look for when they meet that guy they think is “the one”. What he said. Like I said earlier, the lady in question starts thinking of you as her safe, sexless, brother-like friend, not someone who makes her heart pound and her panties wet (if I may be so crude). You begin to fill a niche in her life that doesn’t include seeing each other naked. Have I felt that way? Yeah, pretty much. When you meet someone new, there’s a window for placement - someone I like, someone I’m attracted to, someone who is a friend, etc. It’s hard to go back to Square One and re-assign someone. I can’t speak for other women. > [@mnemosyne](#): > > \The workplace email directory isn’t a dating menu. But wouldn’t it make life so much simpler if it was? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/57 "2011-06-14T20:38:48Z")
Oh man, while you were posting on a message board for advice on how to ask this girl out - Jake from accounting (who she barely knows!) walked up to her desk, asked her to dinner, and she said yes. They have already planned the hot monkey sex they’re going to be having after the 3rd or 4th date (though they both know it’ll happen sooner than that) and what kind of wedding china they’ll be registering for. They plan on naming their first son Max after the chef at their favorite restaurant (the one they went to on their first date, wouldn’t you know?). ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/58 "2011-06-14T20:50:40Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > What he said. Like I said earlier, the lady in question starts thinking of you as her safe, sexless, brother-like friend, not someone who makes her heart pound and her panties wet (if I may be so crude). you may:D ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/59 "2011-06-14T20:56:09Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > Oh man, while you were posting on a message board for advice on how to ask this girl out - Jake from accounting (who she barely knows!) walked up to her desk, asked her to dinner, and she said yes. They have already planned the hot monkey sex they’re going to be having after the 3rd or 4th date (though they both know it’ll happen sooner than that) and what kind of wedding china they’ll be registering for. They plan on naming their first son Max after the chef at their favorite restaurant (the one they went to on their first date, wouldn’t you know?). D’oh! :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2011, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384/60 "2011-06-14T21:03:29Z")
Man, I wish I could even be conflicted about this. If it were any other setting, I’d have asked out a particular coworker already. Problem is she works under me. (I didn’t hire her, at least.) That’s so far from kosher you can’t even see the line. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-ask-out-my-coworker/585384.md?page=4)