# Should I be..."concerned?" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 21, 2008, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192 "2008-12-21T15:23:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2008, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/41 "2008-12-21T22:20:49Z")
The kid was about the same age. It worked out fine. (And the Ex _really_ **was** crazy. And manipulative.) However, my spouse has a ruthless streak; if the Ex had been thrown out, the Ex would have been on the street. I spent 15 years being warm, friendly, and respectful to my “co-parent”; I called it American polygamy. The Ex spent 15 years speaking foully of me behind my back. Meh. But you and the BF are just letting her play you; rap her on the nose with a rolled up paper and put her in her crate. > [@DianaG](#): > > The only person in the world whose behavior you can change is yours. > > He’s going to do whatever he wants to do. YOU have to decide whether or not you trust him. > > SHE is not an issue, \*\*\*if \*\*\*you trust HIM. (There is no scenario where he is FORCED to go back to her. That is you already excusing him for bad behavior he hasn’t even committed yet, to the best of your knowledge.) > > If you decide that you trust him, stop checking her friggin MySpace page, stop worrying about her, stop making yourself crazy. > > If you decide that you don’t, get out of there, now. Best advice. ---
**Author:** ![KSO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f07891/32.png) [@KSO](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KSO)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2008, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/42 "2008-12-21T22:35:08Z")
Not much to add other than to say that it’s odd she didn’t move back with her mother in the first place, who’s only 3 hours away, instead of moving in with your ex. In other words, she wasn’t really about to end up on the street, despite what your boyfriend said. ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2008, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/43 "2008-12-21T22:42:45Z")
This is what **LilGypsyGirl** said about the BF in the OP. I’m not seeing where – based on this – people think he’s a bad BF or that the relationship is doomed. What are you guys seeing that I’m not? What is this guy doing wrong? There’s no mention of the BF mistreating or deceiving **LilGypsyGirl**. ". . . he was very upfront in telling me that his son and his baby momma were thrown out of their living situation, and had nowhere to go. So instead of letting his child live on the streets, he allowed both his ex and his son to move into his 2-bedroom apartment. He was always open and upfront with me regarding her and how he felt about her. He left HER a few years prior . . . He’s spoken to her about it, and when he does, things usually settle down. For the most part, he ignores her, but obviously, because of the boy, NEEDS to speak to her sort of on a semi-regular basis. He moved out of HIS place to move into our place, leaving her there in his old place back in April. Mind you, he says that would NEVER happen, he left her for a reason, loves me, like crazy, and tells me so at least what feels like 100 times a day. He’d do anything for his son, and it makes me a little nervous. . . . " I’m just not seeing the red flags, except from the crazy ex’s behavior. Sure, it would be better for **LilGypsyGirl** if her BF had no prior attachments, but how many people enter a relationship 100%free of baggage? Not many. ---
**Author:** ![Brandon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f08c70/32.png) [@Brandon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brandon)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2008, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/44 "2008-12-21T22:49:02Z")
> [@Litoris](#): > > When my ex (my daughter’s father) and I were together, he cheated on me repeatedly. I knew he did, and I called him on it a few times. Of course, he denied it, and of course I was young and stupid and in love and forgave him. He also liked to throw me against the wall now and then. When I finally left him over the physical abuse, he (almost immediately) moved in with the skank with whom I had accused him of cheating on me – pretty good at recognising these things, I am. > > At any rate, he of course was still calling me (I moved back to TN from WA) and wanting to have phone sex with me, etc while he was with this woman. Being a bit vindictive, knowing that bitch had known all along that she was sleeping with a man who had a partner and child, I went along with it all. When he came down to visit us, I fucked his brains out – say what you will about him, we had a great sex life. After a few years being with her, he began to beat her and she eventually left him. > > The best part (and the part that makes this story relevant)? Stupid bitch called me to cry on my shoulder. She told me how the only reason she hooked up with him was that he told her all these stories about how horrible I was. That I would sniff his underpants (WTF? seriously, I barely wanted to touch them, let alone smell them!), that I would follow him and stalk all of his ex-girlfriends (again, all of his ex-girlfriends lived in other states, how the fuck could I stalk them?), that I never gave him sex (we had sex 3 - 4 times PER NIGHT on average), and that I was physically abusive to him. She “just couldn’t understand” why he started abusing her, since she “was never a jealous bitch like” me. Yeh, I hung up on her, but not after about wetting myself laughing at her. Goddamn. This post says a whole lot, **Litoris** ; but I don’t think it’s conveying whatever the hell it is you set out to say. Stupefying. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2008, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/45 "2008-12-21T22:51:57Z")
> [@AuntiePam](#): > > What are you guys seeing that I’m not? What is this guy doing wrong? He’s leaving himself open to manipulation by the Ex. I’m not saying he should cut all ties with the mother of his child, but he’s got to keep her at arms length. (So does the OP.) ---
**Author:** ![fisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/da6949/32.png) [@fisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fisha)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2008, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/46 "2008-12-21T23:05:13Z")
Never put yourself in relationships that are difficult form the beginning. Life, kids, situations make love and marriage a hard marathon at times. Don’t cripple yourself before you’re even at the starting line. You think she is a crazy bitch now? Wait until you get married and have a kid or two. Not only will she not take it well, but YOU will be immensely unhappy. I’ve seen quite a few women that were ok with the ex and first children, but after the birth of their own babies, had no tolerance for for any bullshit, and expected the husband to put the new family first. Lots of drama and strife. I wouldn’t volunteer for that, ever. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2008, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/47 "2008-12-21T23:18:47Z")
> [@AuntiePam](#): > > This is what **LilGypsyGirl** said about the BF in the OP. I’m not seeing where – based on this – people think he’s a bad BF or that the relationship is doomed. What are you guys seeing that I’m not? What is this guy doing wrong? There’s no mention of the BF mistreating or deceiving **LilGypsyGirl**. > ". . . he was very upfront in telling me that his son and his baby momma were thrown out of their living situation, and had nowhere to go. So instead of letting his child live on the streets, he allowed both his ex and his son to move into his 2-bedroom apartment. > > He was always open and upfront with me regarding her and how he felt about her. He left HER a few years prior . . . > > He’s spoken to her about it, and when he does, things usually settle down. > > For the most part, he ignores her, but obviously, because of the boy, NEEDS to speak to her sort of on a semi-regular basis. > > He moved out of HIS place to move into our place, leaving her there in his old place back in April. > > Mind you, he says that would NEVER happen, he left her for a reason, loves me, like crazy, and tells me so at least what feels like 100 times a day. > > He’d do anything for his son, and it makes me a little nervous. . . . " > > I’m just not seeing the red flags, except from the crazy ex’s behavior. Sure, it would be better for **LilGypsyGirl** if her BF had no prior attachments, but how many people enter a relationship 100%free of baggage? Not many. You’re assuming that everything the OP says is Gospel truth. Is the ex really 100% evil and crazy? Is the BF really just an innocent victim of a manipulative bitch? I doubt it. Things are rarely that simple. If the BF is such a wonderful trustworthy guy, then what is the OP worried about? I think if the ex was paranoid that he was cheating, then she must have had a reason to be. The underwear sniffing story sounds like a load of crap. It’s not believable. I’m going to go right ahead and say it didn’t happen. BF made it up. Either the guy is really up to something, or The OP is irrationally jealous and insecure, but that’s what she gets for hooking up with a guy who already had a family. And notwithstanding everything else, a year is way too soon to get engaged. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2008, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/48 "2008-12-21T23:31:38Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > The underwear sniffing story sounds like a load of crap. It’s not believable. I’m going to go right ahead and say it didn’t happen. BF made it up. Why? Women do this all the time if they suspect cheating. They sniff shirts, check collars for lipstick. Checking underwear for signs of sexual activity is hardly outside the range of suspicious girlfriend/wife behaviors. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2008, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/49 "2008-12-21T23:35:03Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Why? Women do this all the time if they suspect cheating. They sniff shirts, check collars for lipstick. Checking underwear for signs of sexual activity is hardly outside the range of suspicious girlfriend/wife behaviors. There’s a significant difference between checking a collar and sniffing underwear. If we did a poll of this board for how many women have ever sniffed a guy’s underwear to see if he’s cheating, how many do you think would say yes? ---
**Author:** ![InterestedObserver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@InterestedObserver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InterestedObserver)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2008, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/50 "2008-12-21T23:42:49Z")
Never done that myself (and would I admit to it if I HAD? Um, probably not:dubious:) [http://www.tcpalm.com/news/2008/dec/17/port-st-lucie-police-seek-warrant-alleged-beater-g/](http://www.tcpalm.com/news/2008/dec/17/port-st-lucie-police-seek-warrant-alleged-beater-g/) ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2008, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/51 "2008-12-21T23:44:55Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I think if the ex was paranoid that he was cheating, then she must have had a reason to be. > > The underwear sniffing story sounds like a load of crap. It’s not believable. I’m going to go right ahead and say it didn’t happen. BF made it up. Let’s say for the sake of argument, the underwear story is true. To get to the point where sniffing your spouse’s underwear to see if they’re cheating sounds like a good idea, I’d imagine the BF had already been caught cheating once. It’s just too big of a crazy leap without some proof existing beforehand. ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/52 "2008-12-22T00:17:55Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > You’re assuming that everything the OP says is Gospel truth. Is the ex really 100% evil and crazy? Is the BF really just an innocent victim of a manipulative bitch? I doubt it. Things are rarely that simple. If the BF is such a wonderful trustworthy guy, then what is the OP worried about? The way I read it, she’s not worried about the BF – she’s venting about the ex. > [@](#): > > I think if the ex was paranoid that he was cheating, then she must have had a reason to be. Quite possible. OTOH, some people are insecure and jealous – and crazy. 🙂 > [@](#): > > The underwear sniffing story sounds like a load of crap. It’s not believable. I’m going to go right ahead and say it didn’t happen. BF made it up. That’s possible too. He was exaggerating for effect. That doesn’t make him a liar or a bad guy. > [@](#): > > Either the guy is really up to something, or The OP is irrationally jealous and insecure, but that’s what she gets for hooking up with a guy who already had a family. I’m not getting a jealous or insecure vibe from **LilGypsyGirl**. It appears to me that she wants the ex to lay off the game-playing. She didn’t complain about the BF at all, just the ex. > [@](#): > > And notwithstanding everything else, a year is way too soon to get engaged. I agree with you here. She needs more time to see his things are going to shake out. ---
**Author:** ![Susie\_Derkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@Susie\_Derkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susie_Derkins)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/53 "2008-12-22T00:21:05Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > There’s a significant difference between checking a collar and sniffing underwear. If we did a poll of this board for how many women have ever sniffed a guy’s underwear to see if he’s cheating, how many do you think would say yes? I had a cheating ex, and if I’d thought to sniff his underwear I might have done it. The situation made me that crazy and I should have gotten out way before I let it affect me so much. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/54 "2008-12-22T00:32:52Z")
> [@AuntiePam](#): > > The way I read it, she’s not worried about the BF – she’s venting about the ex. The thread title is “Should I be concerned?” If she really trusts the BF, then why ask the question? As far as venting about the ex – I can’t see anything the ex has done that’s any of her business. > [@](#): > > Quite possible. OTOH, some people are insecure and jealous – and crazy. 🙂 I think the hypothesis that the ex was just irrationally crazy with no grounds at all for suspicion is less likely than the BF just giving a self-serving version of the facts. > [@](#): > > That’s possible too. He was exaggerating for effect. That doesn’t make him a liar or a bad guy. How does lying not make him a liar? > [@](#): > > I’m not getting a jealous or insecure vibe from **LilGypsyGirl**. It appears to me that she wants the ex to lay off the game-playing. She didn’t complain about the BF at all, just the ex. Then why is she asking if she needs to be concerned? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/55 "2008-12-22T00:35:40Z")
> [@Susie\_Derkins](#): > > I had a cheating ex, and if I’d thought to sniff his underwear I might have done it. The situation made me that crazy and I should have gotten out way before I let it affect me so much. Ok, but at least your guy really was cheating. How many women get that paranoid with no justification at all? ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/56 "2008-12-22T00:38:19Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Then why is she asking if she needs to be concerned? Good point. Maybe she’ll come back and fill in some of the blanks. I think she’s just venting, but I’ve been wrong before. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/57 "2008-12-22T00:46:53Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It doesn’t look to me like she’s violating any boundaries. No, the ex isn’t really violating any boundaries because the OP’s boyfriend hasn’t given her any, and that to me is why this relationship is being questioned on a public message board. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/58 "2008-12-22T00:50:32Z")
> [@AuntiePam](#): > > I’m not getting a jealous or insecure vibe from **LilGypsyGirl**. It appears to me that she wants the ex to lay off the game-playing. She didn’t complain about the BF at all, just the ex. No, she didn’t complain about him. She, in fact, took great pains to mention that it’s not HIM, it’s “the crazy ex”. That is, in my experience, exactly the behavior that jealousy and insecurity creates. She can’t see this as having anything to do with HIS behavior, because that would call into question both his character and her judgement. No, it’s all because he’s just a hapless victim of “the crazy ex”. In my honest opinon, she \*doesn’t \*trust him, and there’s probably a damned good reason for it. She’ll be better off once she can admit it, and extricate herself from this mess. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/59 "2008-12-22T02:38:58Z")
Another vote for some Exes really are crazy. No matter what the BF has or hasn’t done, the Ex does appear to be trying to break up this relationship. As for the evils of dating someone with a family, allow me to point out that lots of relationships end, and that does not mean that the people previously in them, and those that later fall in love with them, must embrace a life of blessed singleness. Lots of people get married a second time. No relationship is perfect; we all have former sweeties, crazy families, and various other baggage. As long as you insist that everybody treats everybody else with respect (in public), and you switch off the holidays, things will work out. Well, you can’t bitch about child support, either. And you should wait at least a couple of years before marrying someone with a kid. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2008, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192/60 "2008-12-22T14:24:56Z")
Well, if you truly believed he was such a paragon of virtue, you’d trust him implicitly and wouldn’t be asking this question. And don’t hand me that “I’d trust him with my life” line, either; there are several million people I’d trust with my life, but only a handful I’d trust with my heart. Trusting someone with your life just means you believe they care enough about you not to kill you or stand by and let you die, which frankly isn’t setting the bar very high at all. Trusting someone with your heart means you truly believe they care enough about you to not hurt you, which since the average person is an absolute emotional minefield to be picked carefully through lest something explode unexpectedly in your face is saying a LOT. The fact that you’re asking these questions says to me that you don’t trust him with your heart; if you did it wouldn’t matter what the hell the ex did because he wouldn’t hurt you by going back to her. I’m sorry. I wish I had something more cheerful to tell you, but that would be dishonest, and on some level you already know this anyway. And frankly, even if you weren’t asking these questions, I’d have some pretty grave reservations about this situation. Because of the combination of the alleged underwear-sniffing and letting her move in with him for 6 months. If we take this guy at his word, and the ex was nosing his unmentionables for no reason, with no provocation, she’s crazy. And not in the normal way most guys tell you their exes are crazy. I mean CRAZY like a shithouse rat. Mentally UN-fucking-HINGED. The kind of crazy that makes you put your kid’s bunny in a secured location. You don’t let someone that damn insane have primary custody of your child, and you sure as shit don’t let them live in your house. I don’t care if you have to become homeless to keep 'em out, you keep 'em the fuck out because letting them in is disaster waiting to happen. So the options are that either he lied to you, or he’s stupid. Either way, this ain’t good. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-concerned/478192.md?page=4)