# Should I be worried about my son? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 13, 2011, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-worried-about-my-son/578234 "2011-04-13T15:36:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2011, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-worried-about-my-son/578234/41 "2011-04-14T20:01:10Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > I think your best bet would be to sit down and talk to your son about what you expect of him when he is with his dad. Explain that you understand that his dad’s new girlfriend seems pretty wonderful but that you are a little concerned about her son and then give him some phrases and tools he can use to keep himself safe and give himself some distance. Practicing saying, “No, I’m not interested dude, but thanks anyway” and spending $8 on a [portable door lock](http://www.defensedevices.com/dolopo.html) in case he feels like he might be in physical danger would go a long way towards keeping him as safe as possible. Also make sure he has a cellular phone or a calling card so if he needs to get away from the house and call you for help he can do that. :eek: The bad seed is going to be 17 when Opal’s kid goes to visit. No 17 year old is going to take time out of his day to harass some loser kid he barely knows when he could be hanging with his friends or attempting to get laid. This all sounds like a big deal over nothing. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2011, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-worried-about-my-son/578234/42 "2011-04-14T22:21:40Z")
I was close friends with some of the ‘bad kids’ in high school, but didn’t get up to too much trouble myself (with the exception of dropping out of high school in the end). I was friends with drug addicts and yet straight-edge at the time, it happens. I was also friends with plenty of nerdy goody-two-shoes. Anyway, some of the nicest people I have known were in and out of juvie at that age, including my own dear sister, who has her problems but is a sweetheart 99% of the time. So I’m not assuming that the GF’s kid is some kind of sociopath, bullying delinquent. Obviously he has some issues, but to me, he’s fairly average based on the info we have. Could be a lovely person. Hell, he and your son could develop a close bond which would benefit both of them! > [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Well, if it was something that _only_ affected them, I’d be right there with you telling her to STFU and butt out. In those things, she doesn’t get a vote. But we’re talking about something with potentially serious consequences for her kid, and she has not just the right but the responsibility to look out for his best interests. If that means laying down the law about what’s going on with the ex, so be it. I mean, if her ex were talking about setting up a meth lab, you’d be okay with her saying “You do what you want, but I’m _not_ sending Dom down there if you do,” right? Because she has a responsibility to protect her son. This is different, yes, but it’s a difference of degree rather than type. I don’t agree that denying visitation when your ex-with-custody is going to be running a meth lab is anywhere close denying or modifying visitation because the ex wants to create a blended family situation. Manufacturing drugs with kids in the house = never okay. Considering moving in with your SO, who has children, some of which may have behavioral problems, and expecting your son to be part of this new family = okay 95% of the time. I do agree that Opal should have an honest discussion with the ex about her concerns, IF it becomes certain that the move-in is happening and the GF’s older son is still in the house (if he already hates school and keeps landing in juvie, he’ll probably get out of the house ASAP so his mom won’t bug him anymore). But language like ‘laying down the law’ and saying that based on the information we have, Opal’s son should only be allowed a weeks visitation at most and only under adult supervision - too aggressive for my taste. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2011, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-worried-about-my-son/578234/43 "2011-04-14T23:54:37Z")
> [@Erdosain](#): > > I’d tell your ex to watch his back. Physically abusive men are not generally understanding when it comes to people dating their exes. Or, in this case, current spouses. That’s another good point. Frankly, I simply wouldn’t get involved in a situation like this - there are plenty of women in the world who _don’t_ have a juvenile delinquent 16 year old son, an abusive soon-to-be-ex-husband, and three other kids. This sounds like exactly the kind of drama that never, ever ends. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-worried-about-my-son/578234/44 "2011-04-15T01:47:33Z")
Well, nothing I say is going to make him not continue to date her. He loves her and can’t say enough good things about her. On the plus side, the kid will be 18 in a couple of years and won’t be as in the picture as he is now. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-worried-about-my-son/578234/45 "2011-04-15T03:06:36Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > That’s another good point. Frankly, I simply wouldn’t get involved in a situation like this - there are plenty of women in the world who _don’t_ have a juvenile delinquent 16 year old son, an abusive soon-to-be-ex-husband, and three other kids. This sounds like exactly the kind of drama that never, ever ends. Wow, well I hope I never end up "damaged goods’ because some asshole decides to batter me! ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-worried-about-my-son/578234/46 "2011-04-15T12:29:56Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Wow, well I hope I never end up "damaged goods’ because some asshole decides to batter me! Yeah, because that’s _exactly_ what she said. Come the fuck on. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2011, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-worried-about-my-son/578234/47 "2011-04-15T16:27:45Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Wow, well I hope I never end up "damaged goods’ because some asshole decides to batter me! It’s more because they haven’t divorced yet. She isn’t fully separate from the abuser. And yes, other people do have a right to choose not to invite that into their lives. In a similar situation, my personal choice would be not to date anyone else until I was free and clear of the bad situation. I have enough integrity not to allow my problems to become someone else’s problems. At least, not my pre-existing ones. Once you’re in, all new problems are ours to share. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-worried-about-my-son/578234/48 "2011-04-18T23:17:38Z")
I met the girlfriend this weekend and really liked her. I hope things work out with her oldest son, because I think she and Rob are a good couple. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-worried-about-my-son/578234/49 "2011-04-19T03:52:21Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Wow, well I hope I never end up "damaged goods’ because some asshole decides to batter me! When I was single, I wouldn’t date someone who had kids, or smoked, or drank too much, or did drugs, or was too religious; everyone judges everyone else all the time. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-worried-about-my-son/578234/50 "2011-04-19T03:55:42Z")
Good luck! I think things will be fine. Things can change a lot in a year when we are talking about teens, and your son might get to the maturity that he’s lacking well before this could become an issues. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-be-worried-about-my-son/578234.md?page=2)