# Should I call the police on this guy, why or why not?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [October 26, 2011, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806 "2011-10-26T01:33:12Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)
#### Post date: [October 26, 2011, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/21 "2011-10-26T15:07:36Z")
> [@chiroptera](#):
>
> A couple of mutual friends and I have talked about this and have basically decided to be clear about our opinions with Mom, draw definite boundaries (so as not to enable) yet keep lines of communication open in case she decides to change and needs support.
Sadly, that seems about all you can do. Frustrating as hell, but in the end it’s her life.
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### Author:  [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)
#### Post date: [October 26, 2011, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/22 "2011-10-26T16:28:25Z")
> [@chiroptera](#):
>
> Two replaced knees (last surgery was two months ago), bad heart, some sort of vascular thing where she faints and has dizzy spells - that’s when she lost her license - shingles, bad back, high bp, etc. She’s simply in poor health, looks and moves 20 years older than she is.
Is she driving around without a license?!
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### Author:  [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)
#### Post date: [October 26, 2011, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/23 "2011-10-26T17:02:14Z")
She owns the vehicle but doesn’t drive at all now. She’s separated from her husband but they’re friendly, he drives her places when she needs to go, for the most part. Druggie son has also driven her to doctors appointments and what not.
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### Author:  [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)
#### Post date: [October 26, 2011, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/24 "2011-10-26T17:05:07Z")
It sounds like she does get some benefit from him being around. He’s driving illegally but he’s driving.
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### Author:  [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)
#### Post date: [October 26, 2011, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/25 "2011-10-26T17:18:42Z")
> [@chiroptera](#):
>
> She owns the vehicle but doesn’t drive at all now. She’s separated from her husband but they’re friendly, he drives her places when she needs to go, for the most part. Druggie son has also driven her to doctors appointments and what not.
What was her work history like before the onset of disability?
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### Author:  [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)
#### Post date: [October 26, 2011, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/26 "2011-10-26T17:24:47Z")
Call whatever the social services agency is. If you don’t know you can ask Social Security. She is being taken advantage of and this should be investigated by social services.
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### Author:  [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)
#### Post date: [October 26, 2011, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/27 "2011-10-26T17:31:12Z")
> [@ratatoskK](#):
>
> Call whatever the social services agency is. If you don’t know you can ask Social Security. She is being taken advantage of and this should be investigated by social services.
Eh, not while co-dependent Mom “will not tolerate any criticism of the situation, and while acknowledging that she is not doing him any favors by enabling his immature and shitty behaviour, pays lip-service only and nothing has changed for several years.”
The best thing the OP can do in the situation is pay for the son’s vasectomy and the girlfriend’s tubal ligation.
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### Author:  [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)
#### Post date: [October 26, 2011, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/28 "2011-10-26T21:45:52Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#):
>
> What was her work history like before the onset of disability?
…asks the disability adjuster! 😃
Fairly menial jobs. House cleaner, aide in an assisted living home, a couple of clerking jobs. By the time I met her she wasn’t working (but was with husband, who was) and was very active in wildlife rehab - she was until recently a federally licensed rehabber - and dog & cat rescue.
Then husband lost his work as a carpenter when the economy crashed, they lost their house and separated, son and druggie girlfriend moved in to the house she’s in, and her life has gone down the toilet ever since. She can’t do rehab any more because she doesn’t have the right space for it, she is still peripherally involved in dog and cat rescue but can’t really afford it now.
> [@](#):
>
> The best thing the OP can do in the situation is pay for the son’s vasectomy and the girlfriend’s tubal ligation.
No shit. Son lost parental rights to his two children because he made no effort to pay child support or see them. Skanky girlfriend appears to be infertile, because she’s never been pregnant and I am damn sure they’re not concerned about using birth control. Hopefully neither will ever manage to breed.
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### Author:  [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)
#### Post date: [October 27, 2011, 11:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/29 "2011-10-27T11:16:16Z")
Do you think the other responsible son is aware of all that is going on? He might be able to help more, being family?
I didn’t notice if you said how old the lady is, but an elder abuse report from another family member might carry some weight.
Just a thought.
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### Author:  [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)
#### Post date: [October 27, 2011, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/30 "2011-10-27T21:27:04Z")
> [@ratatoskK](#):
>
> Call whatever the social services agency is. If you don’t know you can ask Social Security. She is being taken advantage of and this should be investigated by social services.
I can tellya from experience – SS isn’t gonna do anything about it.
Social Services might - MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT - but it’s awfully unlikely. Especially since the woman in question is going to tell 'em everything is hunky dory if/when they show up at her house to investigate.
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### Author:  [@Maserschmidt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maserschmidt)
#### Post date: [October 27, 2011, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/31 "2011-10-27T22:18:27Z")
Given that she’s not even in agreement that there’s a problem, it seems like many of the solutions suggested could backfire and make things worse.
And sure you could always try the approach of an intervention discussion, but what do you picture happening? Even if she agrees in the beginning that there’s a problem, what are the odds that at some point she’ll tell her son what happened? Which will also make things worse.
Short of killing him, I think the odds are high that intervention will backfire…
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### Author:  [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)
#### Post date: [October 27, 2011, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/32 "2011-10-27T22:33:24Z")
> [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](#):
>
> Do you think the other responsible son is aware of all that is going on? He might be able to help more, being family?
>
> I didn’t notice if you said how old the lady is, but an elder abuse report from another family member might carry some weight.
>
> Just a thought.
Responsible son is very aware of what’s going on, and is disgusted rather than sympathetic. I think in part because he’s resentful of supposed favoritism…I get the impression older druggie son has been coddled and spoiled his whole life.
Mom is 56, I haven’t checked but probably not old enough to be considered a vulnerable adult, or whatever the term is.
> [@PandaBear77](#):
>
> I can tellya from experience – SS isn’t gonna do anything about it.
>
> Social Services might - MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT - but it’s awfully unlikely. Especially since the **woman in question is going to tell 'em everything is hunky dory if/when they show up at her house to investigate**.
Yep, good point. She is going to protect druggie son no matter what, I believe.
**Maserschmidt** , we’ve already had a couple of intervention discussions which mainly had Mom in tears and saying she knew she was being “weak” but then followed by a flood of excuses and rationalization. This is going back about two years; nothing has changed.
So, after feedback here and some pondering and talking it over with a mutual friend, I’ve decided to keep my distance. And hope he gets arrested and tossed in jail for a long time but unfortunately that’s unlikely to happen.
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### Author:  [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)
#### Post date: [October 31, 2011, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/33 "2011-10-31T00:51:47Z")
> [@chiroptera](#):
>
> I have **an acquaintance** for whom I alternately feel sympathy for - she is legitimately disabled and lives on $714 a month - and frustration - she allows her 34-year old son and his girlfriend to live in her house without paying a penny towards rent or other living expenses.
>
> The son and the girlfriend refuse to look for work, donate plasma, or basically do _anything_ at all to pay their way. Son has an Android phone, a crack cocaine habit, smokes cigarettes and has comandeered the only family vehicle.
>
> He and the girlfriend do contribute a teensy amount every month through scrapping (often illegally) and between $100 and $200 a month they get from gummint assistance.
>
> However, very often that money is spent on drugs and smokes; son and girlfriend spend a lot of their time driving the lone family vehicle around the north end of the city hanging out with drug dealers, dog-fighters and other assorted low-lifes. Son does not have a drivers license and has at least one warrant out in another county for non-payment of child support.
>
> Acquaintance is often afraid of the son, who throws violent tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants (use of the vehicle, money for smokes, etc) and also, concurrently, has a sick, unhealthy, over-protective, over-attachment to him. IMHO. She will not tolerate any criticism of the situation, and while acknowledging that she is not doing him any favors by enabling his immature and shitty behaviour, pays lip-service only and nothing has changed for several years.
>
> The acquaintance is a good person in many respects - she has dedicated what’s left of her life to volunteer work, she is a kind person, she is weak but not bad.
>
> Here’s my dilemma - I can completely walk away from the relationship at any time, but while **I stop short of calling the the acquaintance a true friend** , I like her and would like to help “fix” the situation. But I wil NOT be another enabler in the situation.
>
> I can call the cops and give them name, address, vehicle license and description - they may or may not pick son up for the warrant, given that it’s in another county - however, if they do, the lone family vehicle will be impounded and there is NO money to reclaim it. Which really screws up my acquaintance, who owns the vehicle and depends on it to get to doctor and physical therapy visits. There is no reliable or viable public transportation where she lives. Also, while I have it on good faith and evidence that he is involved in drugs, dog-fighting (peripherally and by association, not directly) and illegal scrapping, I don’t have enough detail to give the incredibly overworked and under-funded local police department any clear reason to pick him up.
>
> Of course, now that I have this written down, it looks so obvious - continue backing the fuck away from the entire situation and sick family dynamic (I’ve been doing this over the last several months), disengage and don’t look back.
>
> But I _do_ care about the **acquaintance-not friend** , perhaps wrongly, but I _do_. I think there’s an element of domestic abuse - which is not limited to partner-on-partner - and I really think the druggie son and his nasty little girlfriend ought to be removed from the breeding pool for ever and ever. On the other hand, I suspect my acquaintance has some sort of dysfunctional need for these leeches in her life, and my idea that if son and skanky girlfriend were removed from the situation and then everything will be OK may be dead, completely, wrong, McWrong,wrongitty-effing wrong-o.
>
> I just need some perspective on this. Seems my two choices are: try to affect change, or disengage and not give a crap. I’ve been leaning towards the latter for the last couple of months, but keep getting the sneaky thought I ought to try affecting change because I’m a meddling bitch. 🙂
>
> You guys are a smart lot - what do you think?
Bolding mine. You seem pretty clear to me.
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### Author:  [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2011, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/34 "2011-11-30T22:28:50Z")
I’m updating this thread.
Events in the last week have tipped me over the a breaking point and I no longer have sympathy for the “acquaintance” in my OP. Basically she can kiss my cute white ass; I’m a patsy and found out she was lying to me about some fundamental things. Then, I found out that druggie people the son is hanging out with have rented a house not too far from where I live and are using it as a crack house, and druggie son is involved at least to the extent of being the wheelman/delivery driver.
I got the address, vehicle descriptions, names (real and street), who vehicles were registered to and called the township PD. At first the cop I talked to was a bit dismissive, but when I started naming names he put me on hold, then came back and was quite attentive. He told me I was on speaker phone, asked me to repeat everything I’d told him, said they were “familiar” with a couple of the names I gave them, thanked me very much for the information.
So…hopefully this will in fact result in the worthless crackhead son being arrested, but mainly I don’t want a crack house operating anywhere fucking near me…the area I live in isn’t great, but it’s semi-rural and quiet, my neighbors are wonderful and none of us want this shit around here!
Also hopefully I won’t end up getting shot or robbed or something in retaliation. 😕
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### Author:  [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)
#### Post date: [November 30, 2011, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/35 "2011-11-30T23:33:06Z")
Wow.
Do let us know what the result is, please!
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### Author:  [@FlyByNight512](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyByNight512)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2011, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/36 "2011-12-01T00:42:57Z")
Yikes! After reading the thread I was going to suggest that you could spring the car for her if it got impounded, but it sounds like the situation’s moved well beyond that. It sucks to find out that people aren’t as good as you thought they were.
I’m glad to hear the police have gotten interested. Let us know what happens!
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### Author:  [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)
#### Post date: [December 1, 2011, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/37 "2011-12-01T05:26:45Z")
nm
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### Author:  [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)
#### Post date: [December 12, 2011, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/38 "2011-12-12T02:38:36Z")
And…arrested on Thursday, transported to jail up north Saturday. Also the drug house was raided by county cops and is now boarded up.
Currently in jail for not paying child support. Potentially can get 4 years, more likely 30-90 days. Preliminary hearing on Wednesday. Also charges in this county which are secondary to the child-support ones - driving without a license, no insurance, obstruction of license plate, and something to do with tresspassing.
😃
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### Author:  [@aceplace57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aceplace57)
#### Post date: [December 12, 2011, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/39 "2011-12-12T02:44:06Z")
I made the mistake of calling the cops on a drunk guy at my apartment complex. He was outside drunk and sitting in the snow. Couldn’t stand up and walk.
I called the cops because I was worried he’d get frostbite. They came and helped him to his apartment. Apparently the cops ratted me out. Because the guy was very pissed that I called them. Thought it was going to turn into a fight and he was known as a mean drunk. He was the kind of guy that would jump you in the parking lot at midnight.
No one else could have told the guy except the cops. Because I was home alone in my apartment.
That’s the last time I ever called the cops on anybody.
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### Author:  [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)
#### Post date: [December 12, 2011, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-call-the-police-on-this-guy-why-or-why-not/600806/40 "2011-12-12T02:52:39Z")
Well, I figure the opposite of being apathetic and not taking some sort of action: is taking action, even if it’s only calling the cops.
I’d rather go down as someone who was proactive and took a stand than as someone who faffed around on the sidelines, overall.
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