# Should I check in on my ex-girlfriend? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 16, 2010, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606 "2010-03-16T00:48:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Telcontar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3bc359/32.png) [@Telcontar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telcontar)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/21 "2010-03-16T05:12:55Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > Like I said, it looks like she created a new login - I had blocked the previous one. But other than that, post-breakup she had made a lot of effort to try to stay in touch, but I really had no interest in remaining friends (I’m in total agreement with the “let’s stay friends BS” - I have plenty of friends). But I really do wish her well - I wouldn’t have spent 18 months of my life with someone I had only a selfish interest in. If she really needs to lean on someone, I don’t want to let a breakup be the petty excuse to walk away from this. > > I’ll probably have L contact her and let L decide if any follow-up is needed. It’s what I would do in your place. Hope it works! Kind of surprised that people are being so skeptical of you. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/22 "2010-03-16T05:32:59Z")
I’m chiming in to concur that you need to ignore her. She’s not your responsibility, and she sounds like a mess anyway. I say move on. Whatever her demons are, you can’t save her. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 10:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/23 "2010-03-16T10:42:28Z")
By the ill-advised things that she’s divulged on an open dating forum (STDs, date rape, suggestive photos), she’s desperately seeking attention. Be wary of people who seek drama as they inevitably find it. That’s not the kind of person you want a future with. AND she broke up with you, which means she doesn’t want your chivalry. Put her on your ignore list and move on with your life. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/24 "2010-03-16T10:54:22Z")
If you were still in regular contact with her on a friendship level, I’d say yes. But you say, “After we broke up, we maintained contact for a few weeks,” which leads me to believe you aren’t currently friends. So I’d say no. I mean, what are you going to say to her? ---
**Author:** ![MostlyClueless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@MostlyClueless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MostlyClueless)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 10:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/25 "2010-03-16T10:56:46Z")
Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo- you get the point. ---
**Author:** ![The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_wind_of_my_soul)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/26 "2010-03-16T13:45:53Z")
I think all these “no” responses that you’re getting are from the premise that you should get this girl out of your head. But it seems from your OP that this isn’t a very likely option. Given that she’s bound to be on your mind anyways, and you’re bound to be concerned about her, I would say yes, check in on her. If your options were to forget about her or dwell on her, then yeah, forget about her. But if your options are to either worry about her or actually check in on her to see if she’s okay, it’s better to know how she’s doing than to fret about it. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/27 "2010-03-16T13:47:54Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > I think all these “no” responses that you’re getting are from the premise that you should get this girl out of your head. But it seems from your OP that this isn’t a very likely option. I don’t care if she’s in his head or not. She’s a grown woman. Leave her alone. ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/28 "2010-03-16T14:01:01Z")
The urge to fix the lifestyle of someone with whom the OP hasn’t had contact in several months – especially after the end of an 18 month relationship – is causing my codependency alarm to peg at WARNING. Of course you shouldn’t contact her. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/29 "2010-03-16T14:30:28Z")
> [@Ravenman](#): > > The urge to fix the lifestyle of someone with whom the OP hasn’t had contact in several months – especially after the end of an 18 month relationship – is causing my codependency alarm to peg at WARNING. > > Of course you shouldn’t contact her. I appreciate everyone’s advice. Ravenman - I’m not looking to change her behavior. It just seems to me that there’s a slight possibility something’s not quite right in her world right now based on her behavior, and I wanted input on the wisdom of popping my head in to see if everything’s alright. And “codependent” is about the most inaccurate assessment of our relationship at any point in our history. For those thinking I’m obsessing about this - I’m not. We’re what - 4-5 months from splitting up?, and this is (apart from her trying to call/e-mail for the first month) the first time she’s pinged on my radar, and that’s solely because her picture popped up on my screen a few days ago along with a link to a thread she started called (paraphrasing) “I hate guys that try to sexually force themselves on me”. Things like that tend to get my attention. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/30 "2010-03-16T14:49:19Z")
It sounds like shes doing this for attention. I can’t help but wonder if maybe she is doing this to make Munch somehow jealous/get reinvolved with her in some way. ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/31 "2010-03-16T14:53:14Z")
Run away! Run AWAY! ---
**Author:** ![awldune](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c77e96/32.png) [@awldune](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/awldune)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/32 "2010-03-16T15:00:40Z")
I understand your concern, but it isn’t really your business now and any action on your part is unlikely to be well received. You need to “ignore list” her and move on. ---
**Author:** ![Chris\_Luongo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7cd45c/32.png) [@Chris\_Luongo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chris_Luongo)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/33 "2010-03-16T15:21:38Z")
Munch, I know how you feel. It bothers me too when I see people I care about going down the wrong path, or who seem to be in trouble. I like to help people. As the others here have told you, though, many of these people think everything’s just fine, they don’t need/want your help, and they’re likely to become irritated if you try. There’s another approach that I haven’t heard mentioned here. Could you simply invent some excuse to get in touch with a general “hey, long time no talk, how’s everything with you?” You might use your mutual friend’s new award as an excuse, or maybe you saw a car that looks just like hers in traffic the other day, et cetera. Her response would tell you a lot. You might get the “Oh, nice to hear from you. Everything’s fine, you know, working a lot and stuff” and that’ll be the end of it. Or, you might find that she really wants someone to listen to her, someone she trusts who she can talk to about her problems. You don’t have to mention what you know about her current lifestyle; maybe she’ll come out and tell you. Again, as the others said, keep in mind that the success rate for what you’re thinking of doing is very low. However, I know just how you feel. You want to at least know you tried to do something, so you won’t feel guilty if she gets in more trouble. Just making yourself available, without pushing the issue, might be a good compromise. ---
**Author:** ![GreatStuffMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f04885/32.png) [@GreatStuffMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreatStuffMan)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/34 "2010-03-16T15:30:50Z")
I think it’s very nice of you to even care, don’t know if I would have in your situation. While it may seem a little stalker-ish to say you’ve been checking what she does, and she might take it badly if you contact her about it too, you still have the best of intentions. So sure, do it if you feel you really care and want to make sure everything’s alright. If you’re cool with risking she gets upset with you. ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/35 "2010-03-16T16:16:37Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > Ravenman - I’m not looking to change her behavior. It just seems to me that there’s a slight possibility something’s not quite right in her world right now based on her behavior, and I wanted input on the wisdom of popping my head in to see if everything’s alright. And “codependent” is about the most inaccurate assessment of our relationship at any point in our history. I take you at your word, which is why my meter was pegged at WARNING and not CONFIRMED. Even though you’ve explained it a few times, I just completely fail to understand a reasonable motivation for contacting someone with whom your relationship – both sexual and platonic – has been ended for a matter of months. The only reasons I can think of for such a motivation are nosiness, codependency, or wishing to rekindle the relationship. None of those are good reasons. BTW – I find it odd to say that this person’s promiscuous behavior is out of character when she was clearly plotting another sexual relationship while the one with the OP was ending. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/36 "2010-03-16T16:17:47Z")
> [@](#): > > The only reasons I can think of for such a motivation are nosiness, codependency, or wishing to rekindle the relationship. None of those are good reasons. I’m going with option 4 - empathy. But I’m leaning strongly towards doing nothing, regardless. ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/37 "2010-03-16T17:09:09Z")
good. cut the cord. ---
**Author:** ![Cyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e4f/32.png) [@Cyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyn)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/38 "2010-03-16T18:25:26Z")
Whenever I voiced curiosity about how my ex was doing, my therapist would ask me what I was going to do with that information. When you stop to consider this, you realize how unlikely anything a person says, does or feels can impact a life that is not wholly engaged with yours. One person’s posts might appear as a cry for help to some and bragging to someone else. Sleazy behavior may be the height of a ripping good time to those involved. Strong love and deep friendship may be able to influence risky behaviors but your empathy and concern will be ineffectual. ---
**Author:** ![sugar\_and\_spice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e8c25b/32.png) [@sugar\_and\_spice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sugar_and_spice)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/39 "2010-03-16T18:46:31Z")
If you don’t want to even be friends with her then I don’t see what you can do just by checking in. For one, it would be taken as a sign that you want to keep up a friendship, which you’ve said you don’t. And you’re not her therapist, and it’s doubtful you have any great advice to share that she doesn’t know already. If you’re going to be a supportive person to talk to then you’d need to be her friend – ie, be someone she could call up on a random weeknight, because she wants to talk about her job or her family or whatever. If you’re willing to talk about Major Stuff if she _really_ needs someone, but otherwise you don’t want to hear about her life … I dunno, I’m thinking to times when I’ve been in a rough patch and I don’t see how that would be helpful. If she needs friends then she needs friends, not people from her past who are trying to stay at arms length. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/40 "2010-03-16T19:04:23Z")
What she does with her life is her business. If she wants to get every STD that’s her choice. Really, what is the motovation here? To save her from her own evil ways? 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606.md?page=3)