# Should I check in on my ex-girlfriend? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 16, 2010, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606 "2010-03-16T00:48:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/41 "2010-03-16T19:25:41Z")
I think contacting her would be misinterpreted as “still interested” and would be self-serving on the OP’s part. You don’t want to help her or fix her, you want to be the Good Guy. The Rescuer. The Knight in Shining Armor. Go find someone who is more emotionally healthy to role play with. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/42 "2010-03-16T19:29:22Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > I’m going with option 4 - empathy. But I’m leaning strongly towards doing nothing, regardless. All the usual disclaimers: this is really none of my business; I’m sure not qualified to give advice; compared to some of my [decisions](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tpl4Cr3-Tm0&feature=related), the worse-case scenario of your situation would [looks like this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gemCJFFpcsY) , etc., _but_ if you were happily involved in a new relationship, would this thread even exist? ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/43 "2010-03-16T20:01:29Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > if you were happily involved in a new relationship, would this thread even exist? Well no - because I wouldn’t be active on a dating website. 🙂 > [@sugar\_and\_spice](#): > > I dunno, I’m thinking to times when I’ve been in a rough patch and I don’t see how that would be helpful. If she needs friends then she needs friends, not people from her past who are trying to stay at arms length. I think that’s the answer right there. I think I initially wanted to check in because my default is to make sure the people around me are happy. But she’s not around, nor do I want her around (simply because the relationship is over - not because she’s toxic or anything). Anything I do would be for my own piece of mind so that I can say, “well, I tried to lend a hand” if she does go completely off the rails. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2010, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/44 "2010-03-16T20:21:07Z")
> [@Munch](#): > > In the last month, I can see that she’s changed her profile name/personality. **That’s fine.** She’s been very active on the forums there, and described incredibly promiscuous behavior. **That’s also fine -** > > **All that’s fine.** I wouldn’t be too concerned (other than the doctors). But there are two posts today that worry me. ? [Snip & bolding mine] She sounds a little psycho. And that’s fine. I think you shoould ignore her. And that’s also fine. Everything is fine. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Flipshod](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f19dbf/32.png) [@Flipshod](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flipshod)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2010, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/45 "2010-03-17T02:10:53Z")
Munch, you show a good moral and ethical impulse. Direct that at the next woman, and your ex can get her support from the next guy. (You do get good advice here, and the no’s have it–heed that). ---
**Author:** ![clarkstar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@clarkstar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clarkstar)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2010, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/46 "2010-03-17T05:50:31Z")
ignore her, move on with your life. ---
**Author:** ![Perciful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Perciful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Perciful)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2010, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/47 "2010-03-18T01:25:33Z")
What she does now is really none of your business. Just let it go and try and find the right lady for you. You can’t save anyone from themselves. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 9:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/48 "2010-03-19T09:14:51Z")
Why the fuck does it matter that this is an ex? Someone tried to rape her. He knows about this. It is thus his obligation to do something about it. What boggles my mind is those of you trying to moralize your way out of it. The only way doing nothing is moral is if you buy the Ayn Rand bullshit that you only look out for others’ interests if it helps you. And I thought we were better than that. It’s not about being a knight in shining armor. It’s about doing what is right. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2010, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/49 "2010-03-19T15:01:21Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Why the fuck does it matter that this is an ex? Someone tried to rape her. He knows about this. It is thus his obligation to do something about it. > > What boggles my mind is those of you trying to moralize your way out of it. The only way doing nothing is moral is if you buy the Ayn Rand bullshit that you only look out for others’ interests if it helps you. And I thought we were better than that. > > It’s not about being a knight in shining armor. It’s about doing what is right. I’m not going to come right out and accuse the rape story of being a lie. If the story’s true then it’s horrible. But let me just say that she’s exhibiting a pattern of attention-seeking that I’ve seen before. As **Lisa** said: > [@PunditLisa](#): > > By the ill-advised things that she’s divulged on an open dating forum (STDs, date rape, suggestive photos), she’s desperately seeking attention. Be wary of people who seek drama as they inevitably find it. ---
**Author:** ![moonstarssun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@moonstarssun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moonstarssun)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/50 "2010-03-20T02:08:40Z")
I’m going to disagree with everyone else’s advice here. I don’t see any harm in sending her a note saying something like, “Hey, ex, some of your posts appeared on my news feed [or whatever it’s called], and it sounds like you’re going through a difficult time. I’m not interested in restarting our relationship, but I wanted you to know you can talk to me if you need to.” Sometimes just knowing there’s someone out there who will spend a little time listening to you can be a lifesaver. ---
**Author:** ![alexandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@alexandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alexandra)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2010, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606/51 "2010-03-20T21:53:00Z")
Definitely check in. She sounds like she’s having a tough time and needs support. I don’t think she can rely on you for that long-term but she needs to know someone gives a shit. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/should-i-check-in-on-my-ex-girlfriend/532606.md?page=2)